While a bunch of youngins (and some toddlers) were spending their Sunday strutting their fast metabolisms and wrinkle-free faces and ability to get hammered without also getting a 2-day hangover (seriously why does that happen to me now) at the VMAs, former Full House hottie and current stone-cold Greek yogurt fox John Stamos was proudly taking half-naked bathroom selfies of his 51-year-old body. Sorry 21-year-olds! You may be able to eat a McGangBang without needing a nap and a Lipitor, but you can’t compete with the panty-dropping power of a shirtless (and almost pantsless) Uncle Jesse!
John Stamos uploaded this picture of himself pulling a classic ‘dad who just discovered Match.com’ pose to Instagram with the caption: “51 no filters F’ it”, and I know that means 51-years-old, no filters, and fuck it, but it’s more fun to pretend he’s using AOL chatroom shorthand to describe his dick. “HabMursay51: Hey u, wanna party? 51 centimeters (Stamos uses the metric system), no filters (circumcised), F it (one size fits most). Message me if u want some greek yogurt, if u know what i mean.”
This is usually where Michael K would ask “Would you hit it?”, but that question seems redundant, since you’d have to have a brain made from Kimmy Gibler’s nasty socks not to want to hit it to the attic and back. So instead I’ll ask “Would you like to know what the hell is going on with John Stamos’s belly button?”. Because I sure as hell would! Why is it so close to his nipples? Why is it so far away from The Rippers (aka his dick and balls)? Speaking of balls, why does it look like a tiny pair of chihuahua testicles? (“…and would you hit it?” – Michael K).