I guess Nicki Minaj’s
Tupperware GladWare titties were tired of playing second fiddle to her spotlight-stealing bulbasaur ass, because last night during her performance of “Bang Bang” with Jessie J and Frankie Grande’s “mega mega popstar” sister Ariana (who looked sort of like a slutty toddler version of Julia Roberts at the 2001 Oscars) at the VMAs, her boobs broke free and tried to steal the show. When it came time for Nicki to change from her “Anaconda” costume of Poison Ivy’s underwear to a black zip-up dress for “Bang Bang”, Us Weekly says that shit backstage turned into the scene from Mean Girls where Karen struggles to zip Regina George into her Spring Fling dress, because a source claims that bitch was trying to make a too-small dress happen, and it was NOT going to happen.
“She could never get into that dress,” the insider told Us of the lack of time for a complete costume change mid-performance. “During the dress rehearsal she did the number numerous times and could not make it into the dress zipped up even once. I’ve no idea why she didn’t just decide to wear something else. She just didn’t have the time to change from one outfit into another, there was no way.”
The source then added: “Maybe she should have tried Sears.” NO! They never said that (but I bet at least one bitch thought it). So of course, the second she hit the stage, the zipper on her dress said “Fuck this, I’m out” as her titties squealed “WE’RE FREE!!!” and she was forced to sing “Bang Bang” clutching at her dress in a desperate attempt to prevent the audience from getting an eyefull of her Crank Yankers puppet nipples.
Half of me believes this busted dress situation is the result of an attention-hungry stunt queen, but the other half – the half that loves a good conspiracy theory – believes Nicki’s wardrobe malfunction is the result of SNAKE SABOTAGE! Us Weekly says that Nicki cut the anaconda who bit one of her dancers from her VMA performance, so I bet it was that sneaky snake out for revenge. “Nobody firessssss me!” – that snake, as he constricted her dress into a smaller size.
And here’s what Nicki’s dress is supposed to look like when it’s being held together with a hope and a prayer instead of hands, as well as Nicki on the red carpet wearing the snake she skinned after she caught it fucking with her dress: