Again, cut to the real Martin Lawrence wondering: “Damn Gina! – I mean, Damn Gwynnie! When the hell did we have a problem???”
When it was announced that Chris Martin was slow-humping (you know that bitch has to make sex a ~soulful~ experince) on America’s Kewlest Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence, most of us gleefully shot our eyes to the direction of Gwyneth Paltrow in anticipation for some kind of free-range hand-carved imported organic basic bitch meltdown upon learning that she’d been replaced by the cooler 24-year-old version of herself. But sadly, we’re not about to get one. Well, at least not for the time being. E! news says that Goopy is actually legit happy that her former partner in insufferable self-importance is getting his dick wet:
“Gwyneth is very happy for Chris, that he has moved on and found someone else,” a source tells E! News. “Their split has been remarkably amiable and they both just want the best for one another.”
Moreover, Gwyneth “can see why Jennifer is a good match for Chris,” our source adds. “Chris is very drawn to her personality, and ambition and talent. There are actually some amazing similarities between Jennifer and Gwyneth and how they view life and career, and so Gwyneth knows that ultimately Jennifer has the power to make Chris happy in the long term.
“And that’s all Gwyneth wants for Chris,” the insider reiterates. “They might not be a couple anymore, but they will always be co-parents and best friends.”
Gwyneth’s “source” (Hi Jessica Seinfeld!) used an awful lot of words, when really, they could have saved themselves some time by saying “Gwyneth is too busy fucking that weird looking dude from Glee to care what Chris Martin is doing. The End. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick up Gwyneth’s weekly order of hand-picked North African crocus stems, or else she won’t have anything to filter her imported sperm whale sweat with, and would you spritz your face with unfiltered sperm whale sweat? Yeah, I didn’t think so.”