The Duggar Family’s Newest Baby-Making Machine Didn’t Waste Any Time….

All the letters of the alphabet are shaking in fear and preparing themselves to be overused, because another Duggar has started the spawning….

On 23-year-old Jill Duggar’s wedding day, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar took her aside and tearfully gave her the white sheet with the hole in it that they used on their wedding day and then Michelle gave her the crotchless bridal panties that she wore during her first time. Michelle gently stroked the future baby machine’s cheek and told her that 10 seconds after her husband’s hummingbird beak touches her flower (Michelle gave him 10 seconds to cum, she was being generous), she needs to throw her legs up to God and hang upside down so the spawning can begin. Jill must’ve done everything her parents said, because 2 months after she got married on June 21st, she’s got the 4,000th Duggar growing in her womb. Jill and her 25-year-old husband Derick didn’t waste any time in barebacking their way to a baby and they also didn’t waste any time in running off to People to let it be known that the world is another step closer to being covered in nothing but Duggars.

Michelle and Jim Bob must’ve had their ear to the door of Jill and Derick’s “honeymoon suite” and as soon as they heard his orgasm grunt, they called up People. Jill told People that she’s 8 weeks knocked up and found out she was knocked a month after her wedding:

After taking several pregnancy tests that came back negative, Jill was persuaded by her sisters to take one of her mom Michelle’s tests while she and Derick were visiting her parents’ home. This test gave her a very different result – it was positive!

“It was surreal,” says Derick. “We were shocked. Both of us are so excited.”

The happy couple, who are due in March, have been having fun sharing their news with their family.

“About 30 days after Jill and Derick got married they gathered everyone in the living room and shared the news,” Jim Bob, 49, tells PEOPLE. “Everyone was clapping and cheering, and we were in shock, too.”

“In shock…” Right. It’s so shocking that Jill and Derick made a baby on the wedding date that her parents chose because it perfectly aligned with her ovulation cycle. But seriously, something in the milk ain’t clean and that something is pre-marital jizz. Those sinful sluts were probably raw doggin’ it before their wedding night. We’ll all hear Lucifer’s cackle if their baby is born two months “premature.”

I wonder what Michelle’s “special” pregnancy test is? My guess is that she put her ear up to Jill’s belly and when she heard her daughter’s uterus weep over its future, a maniacal twinkle appeared in her eye, because her and Jim Bob’s grand plan to take over the world is in full effect.

And I’m with Lauren Bacall. I’m side-eyeing the shit out of People for kicking her to the side to make way for a damn Duggar.