After losing a bunch of weight by handcuffing herself to a treadmill set to ‘Usain Bolt’ and drinking nothing but water-flavored water blended with water (sorry…Weight Watchers. She lost it with Weight Watchers) Jessica Simpson realized that somewhere along the line her ass said “Bye, bitch!” and took off. And I don’t blame it! If I were being denied buttered Pop Tarts, I’d quit too.
Now Jessica wants it back, but she can’t have it back! Her old butt has gained a bunch of self-esteem by listening to nothing but Mary J. Blige and it’s not about to go crawling back to the cruel oppressor who forced it do power squats until it was so tight Papa Joe could bounce quarters off it. NO MORE DRAMA! If Jessica wants a new booty, she’s going to have to buy one. And according to the National Enquirer (via Radar) she’s already started skimming off the top of Eric Johnson’s allowance, because an insider claims Jessica is obsessed with Kim Kardashian’s exquisite silicone-stuffed ass and she’s ready to do anything to get it.
“Jessica has always felt competitive with Kim, but since she got her figure back it’s gone up another level. She’s been poring over photos of Kim’s butt for weeks, studying it from as many angles as she can,” an insider told The National Enquirer.
“But Jess realizes there’s no way she could get a sexy booty like Kim’s with just exercise. So she’s been looking into fillers and various butt lift options to see which procedure will give her the same shape. She’s checking out all other options first before going under the knife, but Jessica wants people to be talking about her booty before the end of the year.”
I don’t remember there being a thing about Jessica vs. Kim, but I for one welcome Jessica’s obsession with Kim! There’s nothing better than watching someone keep reaching for that never-ending rainbow of plastic perfection by slowly morphing into the cartoon version of themselves. Jessica is (don’t hate me) gorgeous, but how infinitely more glamorous would she be if her butt matched her boobs? She’d be like a perfect S. She could be her own logo!
Although I feel like she’ll have a hard time finding a doctor to perform the surgery, since I believe there’s a line somewhere in the Hippocratic Oath that says “If a patient admits they want to look like the narcoleptic hooker queen, I will take them directly to an insane asylum.”