It is a great day for the makers of fake eyelashes for babies and for gold diggers who need some inspiration, because yesterday in a luxurious birthing suite in a hospital in L.A. somewhere, a baby was pulled out of Xtina’s body as her fiancé Matt Rutler did the Morristown, New Jersey “Happy” lottery winner dance and nurses prepared the rhinestone-covered staples that her doctor used to close up her C-section slit. Both People and UsWeekly say that 33-year-old Xtina gave birth to her second kid and Matt Rutler’s first. What a proud moment for Matt Rutler. I’d love to see his face beam with several layers of pride as he carefully held the membership card he got from The Gold Diggers Club for producing his first adorable ATM.
UsWeekly says that Xtina gave birth to her first daughter via C-section at Cedars-Sinai in L.A. That’s the only detail we have. The only detail any of us really care about (THAT KID’S NAME) is not known. I’m sure we’ll learn Xtina’s kid’s name when the Photoshopped-into-another-dimension pictures of her and her daughter getting their first spray-tan together come out in People in a couple of weeks. Xtina played it safe with her first kid, who’s now 6, by naming him Max. So hopefully she won’t disappoint us all again and she’ll really reach to new levels of baby name fuckery while naming her second kid.
I really hope Xtina pays tribute to her real love by naming her daughter Red Lipstick Aguilera. Better yet, I really hope Xtina throws my favorite name ever, “Concepción,” somewhere into her baby’s full name, because every time a famous whore gives birth, I always scream, “Please name it Concepción!” The world definitely needs more Concepcións in it.
I also can’t wait to see Bronzer Concepción Aguilera Rutler’s nursery, because it’s going to be a mess. This is what Max’s nursery looked like:
To this day, Max can’t look at a banana or a crescent moon without screaming in terror, because he spent so many of his first nights praying to God to not let that terrifying, dark-sided, busted brow-having banana moon eat his innocent soul whole.