And now in “It’s not wrong, but it’s not right” news, Fergie – a name I’ll always associate with eyebrow piercings, Von Dutch trucker hats, and those ruffled striped mini skirts – admitted to Chelsea Handler on Chelsea Lately Thursday night that her 11-month son Axl Duhamel is really into French kissing right now, but he’s not practicing his skills on a Playskool Glow Worm like all his other baby friends. Fergie says he’s Frenching on her, and she loves it:
“My son likes to French kiss me a lot. It’s so delicious! He goes in for the kill, but I’ll have to cut that off at a certain age, or else it’ll be weird, a little bit Oediupus.”
Cut to Stephanie Seymour throwing a “Speak for yourself, bitch” side-eye.
Obviously Axl doesn’t know what he’s doing is borderline not-right, because he’s a baby, and babies love to stick their tongues in everything, but I’d be worried about him swallowing excessive amounts of lipstick. Fergie has a face that was built for a trowel and a two-ton tub of spackle, and her mouth is always coated in a thick layer of lead-based paint. No doubt Baby Axl tongues his mama’s alkyd-coated mouth and gets that same dizzy googly-eyed feeling you get when you accidentally sniff too much nail polish, and spends the rest of nap time chasing the Dragon Tales dragons.
But maybe Axl isn’t trying to French kiss her at all; maybe he’s actually searching for leftover tidbits of meth! Axl, no! It’s not worth it! You’re too cute to show up on one of those “Baby Faces of Meth” mug shot collections!