War Machine, the roided-up human garbage person and MMA fighter who attempted to rape/succeeded in beating the shit out of his ex-girlfriend, porn star Christy Mack, has finally been apprehended after spending a week running from the Las Vegas police like a Monster-fueled fugitive coward. And remember how Dog the Bounty Hunter said he was going to be the one to do it? Yeah, never happened. TMZ says that War Machine was captured yesterday almost 300 miles away at a hotel in Simi Valley, California by U.S. Marshals (hands up if you also imagined he was pursued by Tommy Lee Jones), who found him sitting alone on a hotel bed with a pizza and a small amount of cash. Pizza and cash? He definitely seems more like a bag of Jack Links and a prepaid VISA card kind of dude to me.
So Dog the Hairgel Hunter didn’t end up catching War Machine, but he wasn’t entirely useless (no man who brings us the gift that is chichi goddess Beth Chapman ever is). Dog managed to track down and apprehend War Machine’s two pet snakes at his home in San Diego. Well, technically the cops caught the snakes, but Dog was totally there watching them. THAT’S WHAT I CALL BOUNTY HUNTIN, BRAH!
But despite not being able to catch War Machine or War Machine’s snakes, he did manage to congratulate himself on a job well done:
No other word on War Machine, but let’s hope he’s been sent to the Phantom Zone, because that guy needs the type of prison he can’t ‘roid rage his way out of.
But the biggest question of all (besides “Really Dog, what would you say you do here?“) is what is going to happen to War Machine’s snakes?!? I don’t wanna see poor little Micro and Miami Sound get shuffled back and forth between a bunch of foster homes for pet snakes. After living in a house with War Machine – who probably fed them nothing but deep-fried rats and bottles of 5-Hour Energy – they need a home with structure and love, so they can rise up and become productive members of snake society. Put them in the right environment, and one of them could become the snake president one day. Maybe we could convince Kyle Kingsbury to adopt them?