World-famous freckled liar Lindsay Lohan gave an interview to the Daily Mail, and I bet you already know where I’m going with this, right? You’re like “Yes Allison, we know, she told them all about how she’s totally sober and wants to get back to work and hasn’t missed a single rehearsal for Speed-The-Plow and how the producers fired her understudy because the Apricot Ashtray is doing such an amazing job, right?” And guess what? You’re WRONG! She didn’t mention a single thing about being sober or showing up to rehearsals, because she was saving all her lies for a long-ass conversation about her former fuck partner and human greasy feeling James Franco.
The Daily Mail asked LiLo if she’d care to comment on that stupid short story James Franco wrote for Vice’s fiction issue called Bungalow 89 where he talks about a character named “James” being stalked by a delusional horny freckled slut mess named “Lindsay Lohan” at the Chateau Marmont. Lindsay begins by acting like she’s SO above gossip and would NEVER talk shit about anyone else:
“I don’t think about it. When people say things about other people I don’t think it’s necessary, I’ve never talked about anyone else and I never will.”
Please remember that quote; we’ll be coming back to it later. Sorry, did I say later? I meant pretty much immediately. So remember how Lindsay says she’s never talked shit about anyone else and never will? Surprise! She starts talking shit about the shady bitches who did her dirty by stealing the sex list she made in rehab and releasing it to the world:
“Here’s the thing it’s very short and very simple. I was in Betty Ford at the time. I was in AA and that’s a really personal thing and there are steps and processes that you go through. I don’t want to say too much because there is anonymity between people and mine was broken. I was moving to go back to New York from LA. I had some friends over that I probably should have questioned a bit but I don’t like to see the bad in people, I like to see the good [Allison's Note: "See the good" means "See if they have good drugs for me"] so I ignored it and then someone must have stolen it and that’s a really personal thing, that’s something I would never do to anyone.”“That goes to one person and then it gets ripped up and then it’s done. So it was really violating. I’ve been robbed by kids [Allison's Note Pt.2: "I've been robbed by kids" should read "I've robbed a lot of kids and adults and jewelery stores and drug dealers"], a lot of things like that have happened to me in my life and that didn’t feel very good and I’ve lost friends from that and that’s really unfortunate.”“That’s one of the hardest steps, that’s something that is uncomfortable to have to say to anyone, let alone for it to be posted everywhere, so it’s not a joke, it wasn’t funny, it was cruel, it’s bad karma for whoever did it. It was shitty.”
Oh my god, for someone who doesn’t want to think about it or talk about other people or spend any negative energy and namaste and shit, bitch sure does have a lot to say. But hold on to your hats (no literally, hold on to them so she doesn’t try to steal them and sell them for the coke under someone’s fingernails) because she keeps on talking. Remember how she said she didn’t want to talk about James Franco’s short story? Well, she sort of lied about that too:
“When I started working we didn’t have Twitter, we didn’t have any of this shit, it’s a different world now. We didn’t have Instagram, we didn’t have camera phones for god sake, it’s really different now. If someone wants to do that for their own reasons there’s nothing to say, I’m not in their head. I would never do that. I didn’t read it.”
Even though she is SO DONE discussing the dramatic whores in her life, she goes on to talk about her current friends, aka the dramatic whores who have yet to write short stories about how she tried to drunkenly wrap her filler-filled lip slugs (no disrespect to slugs)(and I’ll let you decide which lips I’m talking about) around their penises or leak her sex lists to the press:
“Friends that I have in my life and I’m fine with having very few friends because I can trust them with my life and they are there for me if I need them. My friends don’t bring that stuff up to me because they are with me and they know the truth and they know what’s happened, and why bring up something that might hurt your friend, so I don’t pay attention to it.”
They don’t bring shit up because Lindsay does it for them! Even when they try to discuss something boring like the weather, she probably finds a way to make it about the dramatic shit in her life, then claims she doesn’t want to talk about it. Yes, she’s that friend on Facebook who posts some dramatic shit like “Looks like you can’t trust anyone…”, and then when you ask what’s wrong, they write this whole long thing about “I don’t want to get into it, because I don’t like drama and I’m so above backstabbing cunts who say they’re going to come to your Scentsy party and then they don’t fucking show up, but then they post a picture of chicken bellagio to Instagram and are all like “Romantic dinner with Josh!” and it’s like, sorry, but bailing on a friend’s Scentsy party for The Cheesecake Factory with your boyfriend is fucking low-class, but I’m NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT, because I don’t talk shit about people.”
Except instead of a chick from high school named Kendra ranting on Facebook, it’s Lindsay Lohan with the Daily Mail.