A Woman Has Filed A Lawsuit Against Beyoncé And Jay-Z In Which She Claims To Be Blue Ivy’s Real Mother

August 15, 2014 / Posted by:

According to The Hollywood Gossip, a woman named Tina Seals has filed a maternity lawsuit in Manhattan that claims she is the real mother of The Illuminati Princess, Blue Ivy Carter (oh, here go hell come). The document alleges that Tina Seals – who sounds like a long-lost member of The Get Along Gang – was “previously associated” with Beyoncé and Jay-Z, and is seeking to verify whether she is the biological mother of Blue Ivy.“Nice to meet you Tina! Sorry we didn’t get a a chance to speak in the delivery room, but I was busy being removed and put into storage” the pillow.

Typically a woman knows whether or not a baby fell out of her vagina, so maternity lawsuits are uncommon. However, what’s more unusual that filing a maternity suit is filing several maternity suits. Tina has also filed maternity suits claiming to be the real mother of North West, Mariah Carey’s twins Monroe and Moroccan, and Baby Prince George. In case you’re not yet convinced that Tina Seals *might* be a bundle of cray-cray, she also tried to sue the U.S. government for $5 million because (according to her) President Barack Obama is claiming she’s an AWOL congresswoman, whatever the fuck that means. Basically Tina Seals is a completely credible source, and I’m very curious to see what other celebrity babies she claims to have given birth to.

But Tina Seals might be on to something. Imagine you file 100 lawsuits against 100 celebrity moms claiming to have given birth to one of their kids. Now, 99 will roll their eyes and throw it in the trash, but since Hollywood is filled with not-smarts, there’s bound to be at least 1 celebrity mom dumb enough to fall for it. Imagine, if you will, a Cheeto-chomping Frapp-guzzling busted weave-wearing Louisiana lilac blossom opening a letter and going “Dang it y’all, this here lady says she done birthed out Jayden James and I owe her a million dollars! Better get out my check book….”. It could work!

And I would have loved to have seen the slow look of confusion wash over Kim Kardashian’s narcoleptic hooker face when she received her lawsuit from Tina Seals. “Baby? What baby?”

Pic: Instagram

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