O.J. Simpson Is Obsessed With Kim Kardashian, Says He’s Going To Marry Her When He Gets Out Of Prison
“Terrific! Are you interested in the 3 month or 6 month marriage option? I’ll have Satan fax you over a Kardashian Kontract as soon as possible!” – Pimp Mama Kris.
According to Radar, O.J. Simpson (who sort of looks like Jabba the Hutt being choked by Leia in this picture, right?) has all the other dudes in prison writing letters to Kim Kardashian that start with the words: “Hooker, you in danger girl”, because he’s been saying some next-level creepy shit about his former defense attorney’s daughter. A prison insider (SNITCH!) claims that O.J. has wallpapered his cell with pictures from Kim’s 2007 Playboy spread, reads every magazine article about her that he can get his hands on, and demands silence every time Kim’s airbrushed Droopy Dog face appears on the television. But wait! It gets creepier!
“O.J. said he always thought she was a cute girl when she was younger,” the source said, “but it has only been since he’s been in prison his infatuation with her has grown to a full-blown obsession.”
Ew ew ew ew. Now is a good time to remind you that O.J. and his then-wife Nicole Brown-Simpson used to go on vacation with the Kardashian family all the time in the 80s and 90s, which means O.J. Simpson WAS that pervert friend of their dad (“Hey Kim, I bet you $20 you can’t touch your elbows behind your back!”). The source also goes on to say that O.J. thinks he’s got a chance with Kim, because bitch has a type:
Simpson joked to a pal, “She likes black ball players, I am a Hall of Famer — and I still have my Heisman award,” a dig at Kardashian’s former boyfriend Reggie Bush, who gave back his college football Heisman trophy after it came to light of some unethical dealings he was involved during his college playing days.
And according to the source, it doesn’t matter that Kim is kurrently married to Kanye West; O.J. is eligible for parole in 2017 and he’s already fixin’ on becoming Husband #7 if he’s let out (I think it’s safe to assume that Kim will have been married another 4 times between now and 2017).
“As long as I am in prison, I can’t be with her, so Kanye can have her for now. But when I get out she’s mine.”
Damn, even Marky Mark in Fear is like “Take it easy Juice, you’re coming off a little crazy.” But the thing that’s making me crawl into the fetal position is that Pimp Mama Kris is probably back at Kastle Kardashian weighing out the pros and cons as we speak. “Pro: Publicity. Con: It’s O.J. Simpson. Pro: Attention. Con: Still O.J. Simpson. Hmmm…this is a tough one.”
And here’s the rotten road apple of O.J. Simpson’s eye in the Hamptons having lunch with Khloe Kardashian (who almost flashed us her Wookiee pouch) and the come-to-life Salacious B. Crumb Jonathan Cheban.