In “Things that should never, ever happen, so please stop making it happen” news, The Hollywood Reporter has confirmed that Lifetime, the people responsible for such embarrassing works of low-budget made-for-tv train wreck trash as Liz & Dick and the upcoming Whitney Houston biopic (oh come on, like we don’t already know that it’s going to be a fucking mess), will air a two-hour television movie titled “The Brittany Murphy Story” on September 6th. Yes, September 6th of this year, which means they threw this shit together faster than 13-year-old me throwing together a science fair project on smoking the night before by asking a friend’s mom to smoke a bunch of filtered and unfiltered cigarettes and describe which tasted smoother (I got a B+).
29-year-old Amanda Fuller of Last Man Standing will portray Brittany Murphy and ageless onyx-haired rose petal Sherilyn Fenn (Twin Peaks, the 90s) will play Brittany’s sort-of crazy mother Sharon Murphy. No word on who plays Brittany’s husband Simon Monjack, but if it’s anyone other than Oliver Platt, I’ll be seriously pissed. The film will follow Brittany’s rise to stardom, which means we can look forward to a dollar store-looking Tai and Cher from Clueless and a knock-off Ashton Kutcher, all the way to her tragic death in 2009. Lifetime hasn’t revealed the source of the script material, but that Sharon Murphy was not consulted, nor cooperated with the production in any way.
There aren’t enough Leslie Knope NO! gifs to sum up how I feel about a Brittany Murphy biopic. Brittany Murphy was a beautiful collagen-lipped butterscotch pixie and there is no way Lifetime will do anything but take a giant stinky dump on her memory. Thank god she’s probably too busy teaching a class on adorable giggling to the angels in Heaven to notice that this shit is happening.