Even though Miley Cyrus is a former A-list Disney child star turned current world-touring drug-gobbling coochie-poppin millionaire, and the daughter of a cultural icon (I’m of course referring to horse-faced hyacinth blossom Tish Cyrus), she’s always more than happy to remind us that she’s just a G-droppin’ banjo-pickin’ chicken-fried Mountain Dew-dipped down-home hillbilly river rat at heart. This weekend, Miley attended a hillbilly hootenanny in the woods with her ol’ pal (literally, too old to be hanging out with her ass) Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips where they dressed up like meth-smoking hicks and got drunk on moonshine. And of course, Miley made sure to Instagram all of it, including a picture of her pissing on a tree. Thank god! I’ve always been curious about what the glue-huffing dirtbag teenage son of the Blair Witch looked like.
But Miley’s “Ah is so cuntry, y’all!” act didn’t end with marking her territory against an oak tree in a pair of cut-offs. No, Miley managed to one-up her own faux-hillbilly self by adopting a pet pig that she named Bubba Sue.
Bubba Sue Cyrus is hot for the following reasons:
1. She looks like she’s trying to hide her face in Miley’s shirt, which tells me she’s deeply embarrassed to be seen with Miley Cyrus
2. She sounds like the no-nonsense nightshift manager at a knock-off Waffle House called Griddle Trailer
3. Her name is Bubba Sue Cyrus
Bubba Sue joins Miley’s 5 other dogs, Emu, Bean, Penny Lane, Mary Jane, and Happy. A pig really ups her country credibility, but if she wanted to go full-on redneck, she would have adopted a snake. Rednecks fuckin’ love snakes; I once knew a guy who had a snake named Nascar. One day it ate an entire can of WD-40 and had to have emergency snake surgery. Needless to say, a lot of Alan Jackson was played in the garage that day.
Thankfully, it wasn’t all Cracker Barrel kisses and Bud Light dreams. Miley took a break from playing Hee Haw to throw up a picture of Hannah Montana as Nicki Minaj:
Cut to her floppy raw chicken breast asscheeks softly weeping: “It’s beautiful!”
And because you NEED Bubba Sue Cyrus in your life, here’s more of Miley snuggling up to her adorable bouncing bundle of bacon: