Even though that’s the kind of ice-cold stare that says “Well, technically I am, but you’ll never know about it until a delivery van pulls up to your house with an old busted stationary bike from the 80s and an envelope taped to the seat containing the cut-up pieces of your SoulCycle membership card and the words ‘This is your cycle now, bitch’ scrawled in Sharpie on a VHS copy of Mighty Joe Young.”
Earlier this week it was reported that some Hollywood actress named Charlize Theron was trying to get WB Legend Tia Mowry banned from her SoulCycle class after Tia told everyone the story about the time Charlize was an Academy Award-winning eye-rolling Grade-A cunt to her. However, E! says that a source close to Charlize (Sean Penn’s talking beef jerky balls) claims the South African earth angel would NEVER, and that the rumor that she’s trying to strong-arm SoulCycle into making one-half of Sister, Sister disappear “is totally fabricated and completely not true.”
The source then added: “Charlize would never deny a nobody who was famous 20 years ago the opportunity to pretend to ride a bike beside one of the greatest living actresses of our time. It’s just not true. Charlize is a humanitarian. Why just last week she bought Cody from Step-by-Step a juice.”
I know that this source claims Charlize is cool with Tia and nobody’s trying to get anybody banned from SoulCycle and bla bla bla, but if I were Tia, I’d be suspicious the next time Rita from Arrested Development waves her over and invites her to take a seat on the bike next to hers. Don’t do it, Tia! There’s probably a bolt missing or the tension is all fucked up! It’s probably best she starts bringing that genius brother of hers along to her SoulCycle classes from now on to inspect all the bikes for Oscar-scented sabotage. If anyone can sniff out a shady bitch, it’s Teddy from Full House!