After Katie Holmes formally submitted her “I quit this bitch” notice as Tom Cruise’s vacant-eyed robo-bride, she did what most of us would do when leaving an awful job: she grabbed her shit, said some Half Baked-style good-byes to the Scientology HR department, and escaped to freedom. Naturally, once you leave a shitty job, the first thing you want to do is covertly meet with one of your old co-workers and gossip about the drama you left behind (“Does that nosy bitch Barb still count everyone’s calories at lunch?? Is Jerry still stealing ethernet cables? TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!!!”)
But as Katie Holmes told Matt Lauer on the Today show (via UsWeekly) this morning, once she terminated her contract to Tommy Girl, she also terminated her interest in that time in her life. When asked if she would trade any of the fame she received during her five-year stint as Scientology’s chosen Bride of Xenu to go back and be the person she was before, Katie answered:
“You know what, I never really look back. I always…I just approach life, I take it one day at a time, and I’m really excited about where I am right now…and I’ve had some really wonderful, creative experiences. And so I’m just excited about the future.”
In the event you don’t speak polite bullshit, allow me to translate:
“You know what, my chiropractor has advised me not to look back at that embarrassing time in my life, because it makes me cringe so hard and it throws my spine out of alignment. Do you remember when Tom and I rode in to the premiere of War of the Worlds on a motorcycle? Oh my god, that was so – SHIT, MY NECK! Ow ow ow, call Dr. Shapiro and tell him I need adjustment.”
And in case you forgot what the face of freedom looks like, here’s Suri’s mom in New York this morning looking a million times more present and life-like than she ever did during the five years she was married to Maverick from Top Gun.