I’m sorry for those of you who read the words “Gwyneth Paltrow aggressive facial” and your mind immediately went to a shameful dark disgusting stomach-turning place. It’s my fault; I’ll grab you some brain bleach and the number for Lacuna Inc.
When her majesty Gwyneth Paltrow wants to tighten up her snobby pores and smooth out the stuck-up wrinkles on her insufferably smug face, she doesn’t pull out a tube of cold-pressed organic dolphin tears or a single-use jar of crème de la white tiger placenta. Why? Because she’s not a bougie bitch, that’s why! Ew, can you even imagine Princess Goopy slathering her precious visage in something as budget as white tiger placenta? No, when Gwyneth Paltrow tells Hello! (via E!) that when she wants to wake up looking smooth and refreshed, she hops into her LX-5 Gleep-Glorp (it’s a very exclusive luxury sedan from Jupiter that you definitely can’t afford, so don’t bother) and zips over to a super-secret snobby rich white lady clinic to get slapped in the face with a laser:
The actress loves the effective but not-so-pleasant Thermage laser treatment. “It’s non-invasive but it’s quite painful, like having your face smacked with a rubber band that has an electric shock in it. But it works.”
The Thermage treatment is also commonly known as the “face-ironing treatment.” The treatment boosts collagen levels in the skin’s lower layers, creating a tightening effect to the top layer.
But even if you’re up for the pain, Thermage laser treatments will cost you. A half-face treatment costs around $3,900, while a full-face treatment comes with the hefty price tag of $5,240.
I bet it doesn’t even hurt that bad normally, but they turn up the laser full-strength when Goopy comes in just so they can experience the satisfying feeling that comes from getting to slap the smug off her face. They’re probably not even using a laser; they’re just covering her eyes and snapping actual elastic bands on her face for 10 minutes while the receptionist runs her credit card through the machine for $5,240. And just like that, I think I’ve found a way for Michael K and I to make a shitload of money off of dumb vain hos and retire at 35 (cut to us one year later at 36 spending our last $20 on a plate of Bacon Ranch Quesadillas at Chili’s and searching the ETC section of Craigslist).
And I’m surprised that Gwyneth didn’t elaborate on her painful experience with facial ironing by comparing it to her face bravely fighting in a war zone.