Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Angelica (as played by Jacqueline Obradors) from Six Days, Seven Nights, the mess of a movie from 1998 that I watched in its entirety last night, because 11pm on a Friday night is when I’m most vulnerable and will literally watch anything that is put in front of my eyeballs.

Before Anne Heche had a mental breakdown in the desert and a mixture of Ecstasy and natural craziness transformed her into Celestia, the half-sister of Jesus and the daughter of God, she was almost a movie star. In 1998, she starred in Return to Paradise, that dried vomit copy cat remake of Psycho and Six Days, Seven Nights. I actually watched Six Days, Seven Nights when it came out in the theaters in the olden times, so I have no idea why I watched it again last night (SPOILER ALERT: It was because of weed, weed, evil weed!)

Six Days, Seven Nights (read the plot here if you have no idea what it’s about) is a wreck for many reasons. Harrison Ford basically plays Indiana Jones: The Centrum Silver Years, Anne Heche does the worst impersonation of Janet from Three’s Company and David Schwimmer plays an even more punch-able Ross Gellar. Harrison Ford and Anne Heche have the chemistry of Kim Kardashian’s mouth and a white dick, and the pirates are about as threatening as Tweety Bird as a pirate. It’s an entertaining mess. But there is one bright, shining, emerald cut diamond amongst all the trash. The breakout star is Jacqueline Obradors (star of important cinematic classics like Deuce Bigelow and Problem Child 3) who plays Angelica.

Angelica is Harrison Ford’s girlfriend/co-pilot who’s also a tiki dancer at the resort where Anne Heche and David Schwimmer stay. Angelica is Six Days, Seven Nights’ most important character, because she’s a proud slut who knows that there’s never a wrong time to not be a slut. After the search party fails to find Harrison Ford and Anne Heche and everyone figures that they’re probably dead, Angelica mourns the loss of her man by seducing Ross Gellar, because she knows that in a time of sadness, the best thing to do is jump on a new dick even if that dick belongs to Ross Gellar.

Angelica is also the only complex character in that shit. Angelica is supposed to be a native of the South Pacific, but Jacqueline Obradors is an Argentinean-America. Obviously Jacqueline Obradors decided to play Angelica as though Angelica was born and raised in the South Pacific, but one day she was hit on the head with a coconut and after she woke up, she suddenly spoke with a stereotypical spanish accent. Such a controversial decision. Has Meryl Streep ever made a bold move like that? I don’t think so. The Oscars are a joke, so of course they didn’t recognize Jacqueline Obradors for giving a multi-layered performance like this:

What a riveting scene. What a riveting character. Riveting!

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