Star Magazine’s cover story this week is filled with tricks who claimed they dated an A-lister and are spilling everything. The stories are one hundred percent real and they were not written by interns who are majoring in fanfiction writing. One dude claims that he went out with the least popular Lalaloopsy doll Taylor Swift and she talked about her cats the entire time and some trick claims that Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s got a Titanic-sized dick and he came after one minute. But the best totally authentic and real tidbit came from some curvy blonde who says that her twat went where the entire Internet wants to go: Ryan Gosling’s peen. The curvy blonde tells Star that she bumped wet parts with Ryan after meeting at a club. She says the sex was good, but afterward, so many emotions filled Ryan’s sensitive soul that tears poured out of his eyes. Ryan’s one of those post-cum criers. Us cold-hearted sluts avoid those the same way hair avoids Justin Bieber’s upper lip, because what are you supposed to do with a naked, crying dude with a soft peen? (“Um, use his tears as lube and ask him if he wants to go again. Duh.” – you)
Ryan’s one-night trick put it like this (via Celebitchy):
“He was the best lover I’ve ever had,” recalls a curvy blonde, who shared a night of passion with Ryan after meeting him at a nightclub. But once the lovemaking was over, things took a turn.
“I thought I heard him sniffling,” she says. “Then I realized he had tears gushing down his face. I asked if he was all right, and he said he gets emotional sometimes.”
Ryan Gosling cried, because as he sat on the edge of that bed, he realized that since he is Ryan Gosling, he’ll never ever get to experience the beautiful magic of fucking Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling cried for himself, because it’s physically impossible for him to look up and see Ryan Gosling’s perfectly chiseled adonis face staring back at him as Ryan Gosling does him good missionary-style. Ryan Gosling continued to weep, because he knows that science still has a long way to go before humans can be cloned, which means that he won’t be able to clone himself anytime soon. Ryan cried for himself and cried for science. You can’t blame him. You would cry too if it was physically and scientifically impossible for you to fully fuck Ryan Gosling. Let’s all cry for Ryan Gosling.
And here’s Ryan Gosling’s new wax statue at Madame Tussaud’s in London. It needs more post-cum tears.