All the letters of the alphabet are shaking in fear and preparing themselves to be overused, because another Duggar has started the spawning….
On 23-year-old Jill Duggar’s wedding day, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar took her aside and tearfully gave her the white sheet with the hole in it that they used on their wedding day and then Michelle gave her the crotchless bridal panties that she wore during her first time. Michelle gently stroked the future baby machine’s cheek and told her that 10 seconds after her husband’s hummingbird beak touches her flower (Michelle gave him 10 seconds to cum, she was being generous), she needs to throw her legs up to God and hang upside down so the spawning can begin. Jill must’ve done everything her parents said, because 2 months after she got married on June 21st, she’s got the 4,000th Duggar growing in her womb. Jill and her 25-year-old husband Derick didn’t waste any time in barebacking their way to a baby and they also didn’t waste any time in running off to People to let it be known that the world is another step closer to being covered in nothing but Duggars.
After losing a bunch of weight by handcuffing herself to a treadmill set to ‘Usain Bolt’ and drinking nothing but water-flavored water blended with water (sorry…Weight Watchers. She lost it with Weight Watchers) Jessica Simpson realized that somewhere along the line her ass said “Bye, bitch!” and took off. And I don’t blame it! If I were being denied buttered Pop Tarts, I’d quit too.
Now Jessica wants it back, but she can’t have it back! Her old butt has gained a bunch of self-esteem by listening to nothing but Mary J. Blige and it’s not about to go crawling back to the cruel oppressor who forced it do power squats until it was so tight Papa Joe could bounce quarters off it. NO MORE DRAMA! If Jessica wants a new booty, she’s going to have to buy one. And according to the National Enquirer (via Radar) she’s already started skimming off the top of Eric Johnson’s allowance, because an insider claims Jessica is obsessed with Kim Kardashian’s exquisite silicone-stuffed ass and she’s ready to do anything to get it.
Jason Statham is really regretting his decision to guest on Running Wild With Bear Grylls.- loozer
Guyaking. – Tyler Harrell
Because we live in a strange world where ass crack might be considered not safe for your work, the uncensored, ass crack-filled pic is after the cut.
The back-up dancer, who is a proud graduate of The Fuck Effort Academy, from Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” video!
After what felt like months of Nicki Minaj sticking just the tip in by releasing stills and clips from her “Anaconda” video, she finally stuck it in balls deep at midnight. As expected, that mess is filled with ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS and more ASS. Just when you start to think your face has been hit with ASS for the last time, you get more ASS. It’s what a proctologist dreams about when they take a Viagra before going to bed. Shit’s got more airborne asses than a Bryan Singer pool party. The entire video looks like a Gilligan’s Island porn parody by Brazzers.
There’s plenty of shots of Nicki winking at modern science by jiggling the soil jelly she injected into her nalgas and that ASStravaganza ends with her giving Wheelchair Jimmy a lapdance as he thinks to himself, “Um, can we switch places, because my culo really wants to get to know your tongue.” There’s police tape around Amanda Bynes’ crotch this morning, because the sight of Nicki and Drake having dry butt sex made her vagina murder itself.
Nicki’s Jell-O Jigglers ass tried to get all the attention, but the breakout star of her “Anaconda” video is the back-up dancer who stole my heart by not giving a shit. While Nicki and the other dancers are doing the “You on a first date,” she’s doing the, “Errrr, nope, not today.” After the cut is a GIF of my new favorite back-up dancer in action:
Amy Adams (40)
Demi Lovato (22)
Alex Newell (22)
Andrew Garfield (31)
Ben Barnes (33)
Jamie Cullum (35)
Misha Collins (40)
Santino Rice (40)
Jonathan Ke Quan (43)
David Walliams (43)
Fred Durst (44)
Carole Radziwill (51)
James Marsters (52)
David O. Russell (56)
Joan Allen (58)
Al Roker (60)
Robert Plant (66)
Connie Chung (68)
Don King (83)
Goopy Paltrow stars in a commercial for Hugo Boss’ new perfume and in it, she raises her nose at the regulars while giving off a look that says, “Like I’d ever wear this wretched peon water. I’m just shilling this shit to pay for the caviar farm I’m having built on my land.” – Lainey Gossip
TLC keeps unleashing basic cable’s greatest monster on the world – Celebitchy
Kate Upton put as much effort into the Ice Bucket Challenge as she puts into acting – The Superficial
Oh please, we all know that the mold problem in Kourtney Kardashian’s house started when Kim came over and queefed – Reality Tea
Tara Reid’s tits look like they’re fighting again – Drunken Stepfather
Cut to the pile of virgins that Christie Brinkley sucked the blood out of to stay looking like that – Hollywood Tuna
At first I read this headline as “Benedict Cumberbatch to Voice Chaka Khan“ and I thought to myself that Hollywood really is casting his ass in everything - Jezebel
Zoe Saldana’s pregnant nipples went to Sprinkles – WWTDD
David Letterman pays tribute to Robin Williams – Towleroad
Birkenstocks: Vanessa Hudgens is still trying to make them happen again – Popoholic
If there was a Wonky McValtrex High, this would be an actual class and it would be mandatory – The Berry
Tommy Girl does the Ice Bucket Challenge even though he thinks that ALS can be cured with herbs and auditing – Popsugar
Oh, don’t mind Madge, she’s just covering all of her vampire skin so the sun won’t burn it off – ICYDK
Christopher Meloni did the Ice Bucket Challenge and he didn’t record it and he didn’t do it topless. Boo. Do over. - Boy Culture
The Texas T-Rex’s fanny pack is probably filled with a bong, weed and cans of Lone Star – HuffPo
FYI: The tip of Frankie Grande’s peen looks like this – (NSFW) OMG Blog
Phil Hartman will get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame – Pajiba
Casper the Friendly Gold Digger might be back on JLo’s payroll again – Just Jared
The Walls Of The Celebrity Big Brother House Won’t Be Able To Contain All This Glamour, Star Power And Sophistication For Long
The spit, cum, pigeon shit and half-broken Ikea dowels that hold together the walls of the Celebrity Big Brother UK house are trying to keep it together, but it’s only a matter of time before they completely lose it while trying to contain all the throbbing mega servings of talent, prestige and perfection in there. The Detective La Toya in me thinks this season’s casting decisions are all part of an insurance scheme. Channel 5 knows that if they shove that much status and class into one house, the walls won’t be able to take it for long and they’ll blow right off. Then Channel 5 can collect the studio owners insurance money. I’m on to you, Channel 5.
The 14th season of CBB UK started up again last night and while assembling the cast, Channel 5 and the producers really reached high up into the galaxy to grab the brightest and biggest stars. The all-star A-list cast is led by Gary Busey and it includes the French dew drop from Rock of Love 2 Frenchy, Stephanie Pratt, Kelly Brook’s piece David McIntosh, Edele Lynch from B*witched, Leslie Jordan (Leslie Jordan, has it come to this?!) and a bunch of hos I don’t know.
Do Brits even know who Frenchy is? Whores like me know who Frenchy is, because she’s done pizza porn, Rock of Love 2 and a few other Vh1 shows, but I didn’t think she was known at all in the UK. What am I saying? Of course you Brits know who this jewel of France is. Duchess Kate has said many times that Frenchy, the reincarnation of Marie Antoinette, is her style and beauty icon.
If I had to put my weekly weed money on a winner, I’d put it all on Frenchy. The game will end in less than 10 hours and Frenchy will be the last one standing. Because as soon as she gets completely naked (which she will if she hasn’t already) and reveals her natural goddess body to the house, the houseguests will immediately pass out and will have to be rushed to the hospital to be treated for exposure to potent amounts of sheer beauty. Frenchy for the win!
Because every single celebrity in the universe is doing it, Ben Affleck did the Ice Bucket Challenge and let his wife do the honors. Something tells me that Jennifer Garner has dumped water on Ben’s head before and something tells me she’s done it after he came home late at night smelling like random twat, cigarette smoke and defeat (aka like a night out at the casino). After Jennifer Garner ice bucket’d Ben’s ass, he grabbed her and pulled her into the pool with him. Well, that puts an end to the rumors that she’s knocked up with another baby. If she was pregnant, Ben would never pull her into the pool, because if he did their unborn baby would drown!
Mischa Barton is showing Lindsay Lohan that she isn’t the only has-been mess who will blow off a job (an actual job, “Job” is not a new name for “john“) to party it up in Europe. 2003′s Blake Lively has pretty much only done direct-to-nowhere movies in the past few years and it seems like her bank account is lying in the same grave as her career, so one would think that she’d take any check she can get. But nope! Mischa doesn’t care about working and she doesn’t care about saving her house from being eaten up by the vicious cunt known as foreclosure, because she’s too busy doing better things like living it up in Europe.
TMZ says that back in March, Mischa was supposed to begin production on a movie called “Promoted.” Long before the start date, the producers tried to contact her to let her know that shooting was going to begin on March 4th and to also set up a date for a costume fitting. Mischa ignored their asses. The day before shooting was supposed to start, Mischa’s mom emailed producers to tell them that she was still in Europe and wouldn’t be able to start working on the movie until March 20th.
Jenni “JWoww” Farley, who may or may not be slowly morphing into the Snickers lady’s long-lost daughter, made an appearance on HuffPost Live to promote the horror comedy film she produced called Jersey Shore Massacre (aka JWoww’s New Face). Since JWoww only gave birth to her daughter a little over a month ago, the conversation turned to the massacre that happened when she pushed an 8lb baby out of her Botoxed to the shore and back vagina. The ghost of Rocky Dennis (copyright: The Superficial) said that while everything is back to normal down there, she’s not exactly open for business:
“I’m not going to have sex for another year or two” she told host Caitlyn Becker. Meilani, her daughter, was born five weeks ago, but the reality star’s remained celibate “because doctors advise waiting until the six-week mark.”
Although she and Roger haven’t cozied up to one another since the beginning of her pregnancy, JWoww admitted she’s not looking forward to resuming sexual activity.
“It’s like virgin status,” she affirmed. “[Roger's] like, ‘Come on!’ and I’m like ‘No — I was stitched. You have to wait!’”
The only thing more unsettling than JWoww’s eye holes (for real, WHAT is going ON with her eye hole situation?!?!?) is hearing JWoww casually say the words “I was stitched” at the 20:00 mark. I just cringed, clamped, clenched, shuddered, all of it. And forget about my vagina; it heard the words “I was stitched”, immediately fell into an unresponsive catatonic state. It’s currently curled into the fetal position on the floor. RIP pussy, it was nice knowing you.
Here’s more of JWoww serving up some entry-level Lil’ Kim realness/melting dollar store cat candle eleganza in New York yesterday.