One year ago, the definition of random was redefined when Nickelback’s douche-dipped growly chanteuse Chad Kroeger married the neon pink Hot Topic urchin princess Avril Lavigne. Most people assumed their wedding was either a mistake or an accident or a mistake, so to celebrate beating the odds and staying married for a full year, Chad got on his Kawasaki Ninja and zipped over to Russell Oliver, where he picked out the most obnoxiously tacky ring in honor of his obnoxiously tacky wife. And even though it’s not covered in hot pink splatter paint or safety pins or Hello Kitty Jack Skellingtons, it looks like she loved it. Avril Lavigne tweeted this picture of her snuggling up to her maple sugar daddy with the caption:
“I still can’t believe my 1 year anniversary gift. 17 carat emerald cut. Wow. I love my hubby.”
I don’t know where Chad bought that ring, but if I was Avril, I’d feel really guilty about keeping it and probably take it back; any diamond purchased with Nickelback money is a conflict diamond. Then again, I doubt anyone will confuse her ring for an actual diamond. First of all, it looks like something found in the sale bin at Claire’s along with One Direction hair scrunchies and glow-in-the-dark frog earrings. Secondly, do Avril and Chad even have the kind of money that can buy 17-carat diamond rings? If so, then why the hell does Chad still use knock-off Sun-In from the 99¢ Store to lighten his hair? Upgrade to the Clairol Frost & Tip already, you budget bitch!
And pawn shop owners everywhere should start studying this picture now, because you’ll definitely be seeing the ring in person when Avril’s next album goes triple pyrite (100 copies in Manitoba) and she tries to sell it.
I knew Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker used a surrogate, but I didn’t know it was Nathan Lane. – daisy100
Kevin Federline can knock up anyone. – Sheena
Auntie Fee (government name: Felicia O’Donnell), overnight YouTube star and the cooking show host the world needs but doesn’t deserve!
While trying to watch a show on the Food Network that isn’t a competition show or doesn’t star Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, I usually never make it past 5 minutes, because the host loses me by cooking some crap I’ll never cook (although that’s not saying much because even Rachael Ray’s microwave bacon recipe is some Le Cordon Bleu shit to me). But finally, a cooking hero has come along! Auntie Fee opened up her YouTube emporium of culinary and real-talk treasures on July 30th and in just a couple of days, she’s already the butter-filled, pan-fried sweet treat of the Internet and has over 37,000 subscribers and hundreds of thousands of views.
The Julia Child of our time teaches her students how to feed a family of 7 with just $3.35. If I had to feed a family of 7 with just $3.35, I’d put a giant bowl of Top Ramen, popcorn and ketchup packet stew in the middle of the table and tell everyone to stick their heads in and mouth fight for the fake chicken cubes. But Auntie Fee can whip up a culinary masterpiece fit for the chef’s table at Denny’s. If you’re looking for something sweet for the fuckin’ kids and shit, Auntie Fee has the perfect treat for them, but don’t do what her nephew/cameraman Tavis did and ask her the name of it, because she doesn’t know what the fuck it is. It’s just something sweet for the fuckin’ kids, alright?
One of the worst things about cooking, besides the cooking itself, is the clean-up, but Auntie Fee has you covered. You don’t need a bunch of bowls, pans and cutting boards to make some good ass chicken. All you need is a kitchen sink. Presenting Auntie Fee’s Kitchen Sink Chicken!
For those of you heaving at that chicken in the sink while thinking to yourself, “Eww, I don’t want any Ebola-encrusted chicken or Salmonella Surprise,” shut up! Do not question Auntie Fee’s cooking methods. Just do it, but make sure you serve a Purell dipping sauce with that kitchen sink chicken.
Raise a kitchen sink drumstick to Auntie Fee who I’m sure will be the biggest star and president of the Food Network in about a week!
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