If you were praying to God on Saturday for whatever reason and wondering why it felt like nobody was on the other line, it’s because God was doing better things. God was busy giving away his successor at her wedding. AP spit this out on Twitter this morning:
Okay, God and all the saints didn’t walk St. Angie down the aisle, but Maddox and Pax did, which is the next best thing. Here’s the only details we know so far. I’m sure new details will be printed into the newest edition of the Bible and the pictures will appear in stained glass form on the windows of Notre-Dame Cathedral:
Jolie and Pitt wed Saturday in a small chapel in a private ceremony attended by family and friends. In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Pitt and Jolie also obtained a marriage license from a local California judge. The judge also conducted the ceremony in France.
The couple’s children took part in the wedding. Jolie walked the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax. Zahara and Vivienne threw petals. Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers, the spokesman says.
Brad Pitt said a million years ago that he and St. Angie wouldn’t get married until everyone could get married. This means that gay marriage must be legal EVERYWHERE. Thank you, Brangelina! Thank you!
Lisa (as played by Stacey Keanan) from the 1990 movie Lisa!
Once upon a time, people used phones to communicate. And nobody loved using phones more than teenagers, especially teenage girls (or baby homos like me). In middle school I’d sit on the phone with friends for hours and just watch TV, but not even fucking talk!
Lisa, starring early 90s sensation Stacey Keanan, is a teenager but thinks her life is SO UNFAIR because her mom won’t let her go out and date. Also, her mom is played by Cheryl Ladd in a GROUNDBREAKING performance. Anyway, because she’s pissed and bored, Lisa looks up men’s phone numbers based on their license plates (don’t ask) and then anonymously calls them and talks sexy. One trick turns psycho and tries
to kill her ass!
Lisa taught an entire generation about the dangers of phone sex! Somebody call Harvey Weinstein and get Courtney Stodden to star in the sequel about the dangers of sexting! They can call it “Madison” or some shit.
Jason Priestley (45)
Kyle Massey (23)
Andreja Pejić (23)
Cassadee Pope (25)
Armie Hammer (28)
Florence Welch (28)
Sarah Roemer (30)
LeAnn Rimes (32)
Carly Pope (34)
Todd Eldredge (43)
Jack Black (45)
Billy Boyd (46)
Shania Twain (49)
David Fincher (52)
Jennifer Coolidge (53)
Emma Samms (54)
Scott Hamilton (56)
Luis Guzmán (58)
Veteran news journalist Sheila Weller’s book titled The News Sorority about Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric and Christiane Amanpour’s rise to the top is coming out in a minute and to sell that shit, her publisher gave The Daily Beast (via UsWeekly) some of the book’s juiciest highlights. In the book, Sheila claims that when Diane Sawyer was the queen of Good Morning America and Katie Couric was the queen of Today, they hated each other and regularly battled it out for scoops. Katie was the Alexis to Diane’s Krystle, basically. At one point, Katie allegedly said (or joked) that Diane sucks dick for interviews. Who knew that Diane Sawyer was the Rita Ora of morning news shows?
Sheila writes that Katie once tried to get an interview with one of Diane’s famous friends and when Diane found out about it, she got her husband Mike Nicholas to call the friend and let them know that their friendship would be over if they went on Today. Some source also told Sheila that when Diane scooped Katie for an interview with a 57-year-old woman who birthed out twins, Katie showed her jealous ass by hating on Diane’s immaculate head game.
Robert Pattinson, Tom Sturridge, and Rob’s new “mystery girl” (she’s hiding behind Rob, because she’s ~so~ mysterious) went to lunch in New York, but all I really care about is why RPattz is dressed like a the broken condom hipster baby of Mickey Knox and Steve Zissou? – Lainey Gossip
You can always count on Backdoor Farrah to keep bringing the next-level delusion – Reality Tea
I know it looks like North West is giving a high-five, but it’s actually her non-verbal way of communicating “Please, take me with you” - Celebitchy
May god strike me down for ever thinking that Liv Tyler from the back looks like a Kardashian – Hollywood Tuna
Donatella Versace did the ALS ice bucket challenge, but what I REALLY want to see is Maya Rudolph as Donatella Versace taking the ice bucket challenge – Towleroad
Miley Cyrus wants you to know that even though the hot homeless dude she brought to the VMAs wasn’t homeless-homeless, he was homeless enough for her – WWTDD
While Mimi was busy strutting the streets of New York like a dynamic high-society HBIC, Nick Cannon was shuffling around in the same outfit all the boys in my 1st grade class wore - The Superficial
Here’s Sofia Vergara flashing one of her nipples to human-looking snapping turtle Derek Hough, if you need that in your life – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Apparently, choosy sluts choose guys named Mark – Jezebel
Won’t somebody PLEASE give this toddler some attention???? – Popoholic
Wheelchair Jimmy and Nicki Minaj went on a snack run and WJ paid for everything, because he knows the quickest way to a girl’s butt is though her stomach (ew, what does that even mean?) – Popsugar
#15, would still totally eat – The Berry
Personally, I’m a Matt Damon girl myself, but I’m confident enough in my Mattsuality to admit that Ben Affleck looks like a total DILF here - ICYDK
Gross! Hasn’t the ocean suffered enough? – Just Jared
fired suspended: the person-who-wrote-Kar-hoochie Tran’s-Blue Ivy-hair-joke-for-106 & Park edition – HuffPo
Replace every drawing with dicks wearing berets, and you’ve got all my French textbooks from grades 4 through 10 – OMG Blog
My say something nice is that Lady Gaga reminds me of Otto from The Simpsons here, and I can’t with a good conscience ever hate on Otto – SOW
Whatever happened to the days of getting stoned off your ass on Gravol before a flight and just blissing the fuck out? – Boy Culture
During an interview with Carson Daily on the Today show Wednesday morning, the world’s most famous forever alone Jennifer Aniston was asked by the talking blue-eyed peanut himself about interviewing Gloria Steinem for the MAKERS Conference back in February where she touched on the fact that everybody cares SO MUCH whether or not Jenny’s womb has a fetus in it by saying “Being a woman, your value and worth is associated with marital status or whether or not you’ve procreated.” Rachel from Friends explained that just because a screaming baby hasn’t dropped from her crotch doesn’t mean she’s nothing more than a useless Smartwater-filled sack with a good set of highlights. »
Just when you were starting to think that the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge hit peak fame whore and had officially gone from the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge to the Ay! Look At Me Ice Bucket Challenge, the intergalactic space flower Bai Ling has taken it to new levels of MESS.
The delicate and demure sphinx cat who mutated into an alien when a flaming asteroid hit it many years ago was challenged by her overlord E.T. (at least I think that’s what she said) and she did the challenge on the beach in Santa Monica, CA in front of the paps she called while wearing a white tank midriff SANS bikini top. Because nothing brings awareness to ALS like Bai Ling’s gigantic, wet baby pacifier nipples. If it rains in L.A. today, it’s from Lou Gehrig crying out buckets of tears, because he’s so moved and touched by Bai Ling’s act of charity for ALS.
Before and after the challenge, Bai did a sexy, bikini photo shoot (because DUH) and she also wrote about it on Facebook and compared it to Chinese Water Torture:
Cookie: Lets take the challenge in life, no matter what it will be. Even if it is a water torture like the I had. Cause the experience will add something in your spirit.
“Yes, something in my spirit was definitely added while watching this video,” said some perv fapping to it.
The camera guy shouting, “Let me see your face,” at Bai like he’s a Bang Bus camera guy shouting at a girl who just got a money shot to the mug really adds an elegant touch to this inspirational video. Only Bai, only Bai….
Ever since Nick Cannon started running his mouth off to the press about how his marriage is one flush away from going down the drain, Mariah Carey (seen here looking like if Rodeo Drive Vivian had a baby with Miss Piggy that grew up to be Carmen Sandiego if she quit the thief game and became a Real Housewife) hasn’t really had much to say. Why? Because Mimi is a classy, sophisticated silk floral arrangement who doesn’t go blabbing her life drama to anyone who will listen, or worse, staging tired publicity stunts in a desperate attempt to drag out the drama for as long as possible. No, Mimi is a refined lady, and she doesn’t need to resort to such low-class foolery.
Which is why she waited a full week before calling the paps to take some totally natural shots of her looking like an effortless high-society uptown Muppet diva while taking Dem Babies (who are technically Dem Toddlers now) out to lunch in New York. Mimi isn’t even divorced yet, and already she’s serving up some First Wives Club realness. Mimi is Brenda, Elise, AND Annie! Well, maybe not Annie. Maybe not Brenda or Elise either. Mimi is more like Phoebe, Shelly, and Duarto. Still hot! And, believe it or not, but she managed to get even hotter throughout the day. This is what Mimi looked like at lunch, and by dinner she was looking like this:
If that isn’t the face of a sassy day-drinking divorcee, I don’t know what is. Mimi’s right eye is all “I’m keeping an eye on you! Wink!” while her left is all “HALP ME, I’VE LOST MY PANTS.” Mimi at Mimi’s finest. Oh shit, imagine if Mimi made a vodka and named it Mimi’s Finest? I should be in marketing.
Here’s more of Mimi doing Sexy Single Manhattan Mommy Mimi yesterday in New York. She looks so dramatic! I feel like at any second, she’s going to storm into a courtroom in the 80s, point an exquisitely manicured fingernail at Nick Cannon and haughtily shout “I’ll see to it that you don’t get a dime!”
Oprah Winfrey will play Richard Pryor’s whorehouse madam grandma in The Butler director Lee Daniels’ upcoming biopic of the legendary comedian. There was already a sorta Pryor biopic that Richard himself was involved in and it had the best title I’ve ever heard – JoJo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling. Lee and Oprah (and Mike Epps, who has been cast as Pryor) aren’t going to top that title.
That flick was an “inspired by” take on it, but this one will be the real thing. Pryor was actually raised in Nana Marie Carter’s brothel in Peoria, Illinois (anyone would be a comedian after that experience) and TMZ reports that Oprah is looking to play “gritty” this time because she’s already exhausted “inspiring,” “spiritual,” and “book club.”
I don’t think playing a lady pimp is going be challenge enough for Oprah. I want to see O play Richard! Imagine the only deity that matters playing Richard on the set of The Toy, wondering just what the fuck he was thinking? Imagine Oprah catching fire while trying to freebase? Imagine Oprah opposite Maggie Gyllenhaal as Gene Wilder filming See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989)? (Wow, Richard went through some shit.)
Check out pics of O from the premiere of The Hundred-Foot Journey in NYC earlier this month below.
Because ABC’s selections for The Bachelor are always predictable as fuck (white, white, built, and white), I’m going to attempt to blindly guess as much about the newest bachelor as I can, based solely on my rudimentary knowledge of The Bachelor. I solemnly swear to Dorioto Jesus (my deity of choice) that I know nothing about this new bachelor except that his teeth look like pieces of Dentyne Ice gum and he loves pastels.
1. His name is probably Andrew or Craig. He looks like he could also be a Brad.
2. He’s either a management consultant, professional (re: played one pre-season game before getting benched, then cut) baseball/football player, or the ever-popular “entrepreneur”.
3. He’s from the east coast, maybe Boston. Or a bit further south, like Virgina or Georgia.
4. He’s between the ages of 32 and 34.
Okay, so now let’s see how close I got! According to People, ABC’s newest bachelor is named Chris Soules (damn, I was so close with Craig!), a 32-year-old farmer from Iowa. Farmer from Iowa? That’s not a bullshit made-up job like “synergy consultant” or “merchandising analyst” (both code for “unemployed actor”). Is everything alright, ABC? A farmer from Iowa doesn’t sound like an aspiring future fame whore, aka the only reason why anyone agrees to be on The Bachelor. But that over-styled hair and Zoomed-to-hell-and-back set of blindingly white chompers tells me there’s potential, so I’m not too worried about his fame-humping game.
I didn’t watch the 10th season of The Bachelorette (aka Andi Dorfman tries to find love after meeting the world’s worst dude) but apparently, Chris is one of Andi’s leftovers who got the boot right before the finale because bitch didn’t want to pull a Green Acres and move to Iowa. Which means he’s still trying to reach for that fame rainbow, or he legit wants to find somebody to love and he needs help because the OkCupid selection in Iowa is limited to single-and-ready-to-mingle dairy cows and DTF bundles of hay. What do you have against slutty bundles of hay, Chris? Hay needs love too!