Every religion issued a joint statement today saying that August 23rd is now the holiest holiday of the year (Sorry, Christmas! Sorry, Yom Kippur! Sorry, Eid al-Fitr! Sorry, Bea Arthur’s birthday!), because the holiest couple in history became husband and wife in the holiest union of the century and everybody who witnessed that blessed event has been declared a saint (“Um, but I was declared a saint as soon as I was pulled out of my mom’s bony snatch.” – Shiloh). But one trick who wasn’t declared a saint was Jon Voight, because Jon Voight wasn’t there and he found out about it when we all did. Jon Voight was being interviewed by Inside Edition this morning and the reporter talking to him told him the news that his daughter married her third husband and the only thing he had to say was, “That’s nice.” You know your daughter hates you more than she hates wearing a color that’s not black or beige when you find out about her wedding from an Inside Edition reporter. Not even Entertainment Tonight! Inside Edition!
Jessica Alba says her non-toxic eco-friendly soap/detergent/skin care line, The Honest Co., is reportedly valued at $1 billion. Yes, $1 billion. Dollars. But she might have fudged the numbers a bit and she’s not actually worth that much. Either way, if she’s making anywhere near $1 billion, why is she still trying to act??? Focus on the soap! It’s clearly the thing you’re good at! - Lainey Gossip
Dancing with the Stars continues to play fast and lose with the definition of the word “stars” – Reality Tea
All of Ariana Grande Latte’s “memories” of the 90s clearly came from a BuzzFeed article about the 90s – Celebitchy
BREAKING: Hilary Duff walked to her car – Hollywood Tuna
Rachel, Phoebe, and a rubber Monica mask all reunited on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night – HuffPo
Harry Styles wore a Michael Sam jersey during a show in St. Louis. Cut to Taylor Swift texting Harry “Who’s this Sam chick? She sounds hideous” – Towleroad
Kendull Jenner is just going by Kendull now, because she knows the last name Jenner doesn’t mean shit unless it’s accompanied by the name Bruce – WWTDD
Sorry Lara Bingle, but the position of Hot Nearly-Naked Ho on a Beach has already been filled by CoCo. Put on your shirt, it’s time to go home – The Superficial
Lizzie Caplan reminding us she’s more Gretchen Wieners than Janis Ian – Drunken Stepfather
But for why is Ciara dressed like a hat-less Carmen Sandiego? – Popsugar
Jessica Chastain looks like she wants to either sell me a house or a really smart set of luggage at Macy’s – Popoholic
Oh, here go hell come; you don’t EVER fuck with Donna Meagle! – Jezebel
I think this is also how Michelle Duggar’s uterus reacts every time she announces she’s pregnant – The Berry
…and speaking of uteri, Shakira has a baby living in hers – ICYDK
Blake Lively managed to find a wannabe-GOOPy way to write about getting attacked by bees – Just Jared
If only the cast of Rocky the Musical has performed dressed like this, their show might not have closed – (NSFW-ish) OMG Blog
David Fincher is directing normcore ads for The Gap now (“Who???” – Tyler Perry) – Pajiba
Way back in April, the human version of resting bitch face Katherine Heigl slapped NYC drugstore chain Duane Reade with a lawsuit after they tweeted a picture of her leaving Duane Reade, because Katherine was pissed that they used her image (aka the image of “a highly successful television and motion picture actress“) without slipping her some cash, so she demanded restitution to the tune of $6 million. But according to The Hollywood Reporter (via Daily Mail), Katherine has reached some sort of an agreement with Duane Reade and she’s dropped her lawsuit. QUITTER!
Katherine’s rep has said that both parties are keeping their mouths shut regarding the details of the deal, but we do know that Duane Reade is making a donation to the Jason Debus Heigl Foundation in exchange for making the lawsuit disappear. And just like that, papers to dismiss the lawsuit were filed on Tuesday in a New York federal court, which means the saga of Highly Successful Actress vs. Drugstore Social Media Account is officially done.
You know, part of me is glad they settled, because all that hush money will go to a good cause (the JDHF helps dogs and cats, and I can’t throw shade and needy critters) but what I wouldn’t have given to see this mess play out in a court of law. The lawsuit itself was a perfect work of double-glazed delusion, so I can only imagine the sort of ‘pain and suffering’ Katherine could have cooked up with her lawyer. This trick loooooves blaming other people (it’s the only thing that makes her butthole relax enough in order to change the stick she keeps up there), so I bet she would have thought of some real doozies. “Your honor, my client – who is a highly successful film and television actress – was so emotionally distraught over the actions of Duane Reade that she was forced to delay shooting on a very lucrative ZzzQuil commercial!”
Originally I had a cut-out of Ice-T’s face over CoCo’s stunning butter-basted buttcrack because I thought the sight of CoCo’s delicate g-string covered clamshell may be too much sophistication for some people’s eyes. But Michael K informed me that attempting to censor CoCo’s beauty is considered a Class A felony and he’d call the police on my ass if I dared to commit such a serious crime. So here it is, in all its lubed-up glory, just as God had intended.
Ice-T and CoCo are currently in Barbados on vacation from who cares they don’t need a reason, and as always, CoCo didn’t forget to pack her suitcase full of taste and class. CoCo was spotted (“spotted” – as if you could miss her) frolicking along the beach before asking permission from Poseidon if she could enter the water, because obviously she would’t want to shock the ocean with a high level of refined beauty and kill all the fishes. CoCo is thoughtful like that.
And I’ve just received notice that shortly after CoCo went for a swim, all the mermaids got together and decided to change their name to mercocos.
This is when we realize just how much Robin Williams was a part of our culture, because as I was typing the words “used to be one”, my brain immediately cut to the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire where he pretends to be Elsa Immerman. Oh Robin, I am so so sorry to mention your name in the same post as such arrogant trash.
There were so many insane butt nuggets of insanity in Kanye West’s desposition in the case of him grabbing a pap’s camera and trying to whoop a trick, like claiming he’s a celebrity civil rights leader or that the paparazzi are worse than the Nazis, so it should come as no surprise that some crumbs from Kanye’s crazy would fall through the cracks. For instance, TMZ says that Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband played the ‘I don’t hate ___ people, some of my best friends are ___!’ card by claiming that he can’t actually hate the paparazzi, because his father once worked as a paparazzi, and added that his parents didn’t raise him to “be out here wrestling with random paparazzi in front of LAX.” Well, I should hope not! I don’t believe Dr. Benjamin Spock ever said anything about the importance of taking your child to the airport and teaching them to fight with photographers.
Justin Bieber was on his way back from another try at beating Chipmunkra’s score at Down the Clown at Dave & Buster’s when some amusing pap rear-ended him. Dickus noted the photographer following him and hit the brakes, getting rear-ended. This went down on Tuesday afternoon in West Hollywood.
Yes, I find his Ferrari being dinged by a Prius induces chuckles. He’s like the villainy cunt in every bad teen movie from the 80s, caring only about himself and his bitchin’ ride and he should be called Chet. Or Chad. Something “CH-.” You just want him to end up wedgied or covered in horseshit or taped into a gorilla suit by the end of the movie. This post just got really kinky.
Ok, I am going to begin this post in an unusual way for DListed. I’m a guest and you know that guest who goes through your medicine cabinet and thinks you don’t hear them rifling through your spermicide and hemorrhoid cream? The guest who comments on your generic brand cream cheese and doesn’t use a coaster even though the fucking coasters ARE RIGHT THERE ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND CLEARLY NOT DECORATIVE? That’s me right now because I’m going to acknowledge two positives about Kristen Stewart’s interview in the September issue of Vanity Fair France. The first is that she looks really hot in the pics. The second is that she doesn’t come off as a COMPLETE asshole in the interview. In fact, she reads as a less petulant and stank Kristen Stewart than you’ve ever experienced.
Now that that’s out of the way, she DOES tend to suggest that she’s an amazing actress, and also blames any past bad acting on her part on her co-stars. So this is still finger-sucking malcontent Kristen Stewart and you’re still reading DListed in case you were wondering…
In a video interview with Joan Rivers, (get well soon!), LeAnn Rimes (accompanied by her equally squinty husband) joked that she lost her virginity by raping her first boyfriend. She also referred to black people as “coloreds,” used the r-word to describe Becky on Glee, and beat her step-children in the checkout line at a K-Mart in Reseda. LeAnn’s a little tone-deaf as to what’s appropriate in society nowadays. (She didn’t actually do the stuff after the rape joke. Yet.)
Joan Rivers Stopped Breathing And Maybe Went Into Cardiac Arrest During Surgery This Morning (UPDATE)
According to TMZ, 81-year-old comedian and life legend Joan Rivers was rushed to the hospital this morning during a throat procedure at a clinic in New York. Joan was having some shit done to her vocal cords when she stopped breathing and was rushed to Mount Sinai. TMZ says that shortly before 10:00am, an emergency call was placed to 911 saying that someone (Joan) was in either cardiac or respiratory arrest. Other than that, the only thing we know is that her daughter Melissa is on her way to the hospital.
No! Not Joan! The walls in my house aren’t long enough for the slow wall slide of sadness I need to do right now, so I’m dropping to the floor and doing the slow floor slide of sadness all the way down my hallway. I don’t care if I get splinters in my ass! Joan is worth it! It might also be worth it if you have a fancy memaw in your life to ask if she has any jewelery from the Joan Rivers for HSN collection that you could borrow (trust me, she does; all fancy memaws do) and form a prayer circle using the most exquisite pieces. Joan’s timeless joo-rey can fix anything.
UPDATE: The NYPD have said that at one point Joan’s heart stopped beating, and that she is currently in critical condition.
UPDATE #2: E! has confirmed that Joanie’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable:
Don’t worry, I’m deeply confused too. This is like someone pointing to a picture of Kim Kardashian and trying to convince you that it’s not a picture of a narcoleptic-faced hooker. It makes NO goddamn sense. But according to the Los Angeles Times, Hello Kitty – the cat-looking Japanese cartoon character who’s named after the thing she looks like – is not actually a cat. So what the hell is she then?
According to Christine R. Yano, an anthropologist who is curating a retrospective on Hello Kitty and author of the book Pink Globalization: Hello Kitty’s Trek Across the Pacific, found out during her research from one of the HBICs at Sanrio that Hello Kitty is actually a human British 3rd grade girl named Kitty White. She’s five apples tall, a Scorpio, her parents are George and Mary White, and she has a twin sister named Mimmy. You hear that? Five apples tall, just like a regular human child!
All I have to say to that is: …THE FUCK???? Is this one of those tests they give to see if you’re a serial killer? What kind of person is looking at Hello Kitty and saying “Of course she’s not a cat! Look at her whiskers and cat ears – that’s clearly a human child”? Bitch is named Kitty and has whiskers and paws and kitty ears and LOOKS LIKE A FRIGGIN CAT, but she’s not a cat? The only explanation for this is that “George and Mary” are British-sounding pseudonyms for Dennis Avner and Jocelyn Wildenstein. One romantic night over a bottle of Chablis and a crystal dish of Fancy Feast, Dennis and Jocelyn made unsettling humanoid cat-love which resulted in Jocelyn giving birth to a litter of two cat-looking babies, Kitty and Mimmy. Then they moved to Japan, where everything is next-level weird and no one would question the existence of two freaky cat people raising cat-looking twin girls that are no taller than five apples. There, that makes much more sense!