Mathew Knowles, the former manager of Her Majesty Beyoncé and current professional sperm-slinging deadbeat pepaw, told Houston 104.1′s The Roula and Ryan Show on Wednesday (via Radar) that he knows the TROOF when it comes to Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s marriage. Take a seat and get ready to learn, because Professor Daddy Knowles is about to school your asses on Publicity Stunting 101!
Mathew says that sometimes a rumor can “ignite” a tour, and when that happens, it’s called a “Jedi mind trick” (cut to Yoda making a “da fuq?” face while using the force to pull out a chair for Mathew to have a seat). According to Mathew, a Jedi mind trick will fool you into thinking that what you see is real. Well, technically he made a “poof” sound, but you get the idea. Then when asked if he thought that Beyoncé pulled an Obi-Wan Kenobi and her Jedi powers to stage the Basement Baby elevator beat-down, Mathew said:
“Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%.”
So basically, Mathew is crazy, THE END. But since I have time to elaborate, what he’s essentially saying is that maybe it was just a coincidence that the Basement Baby elevator beat-down happened right before Beyoncé and Jay-Z were about to kick off the “On The Run” tour and maybe ticket sales went up because people thought they might get to see some drama on stage and maybe everything about Beyoncé is a lie or maybe it’s the truth. Or maybe she’s actually a real-life Jedi, which would sort of make sense, since some of her weaves look like a fine blend of 100% Wookiee-Ewok hair.
And here’s Beyoncé’s daddy sounding like a stoned-ass teenager talking about Star Wars on the Roula and Ryan Show, if you need something to get second-hand high off of this morning:
Last night in the backyard of a mansion in The Valley somewhere, creepy-faced Bryan Singer dove head first into a pool full of white, barely legal naked twinks and later snorted a lot of coke out of a lot of barely legal twink hole, because that rape lawsuit against him was dropped. Bitch was celebrating. (“Um, so does that mean I can watch Jack the Giant Slayer without feeling a thickness of creepiness covering my skin?” – you “You should feel that anyway, because that wreck is an unwatchable mess.” – the entire world)
The wave of lawsuits against X-Men director Bryan Singer started when Michael Egan sued Bryan and two other Hollywood types (including the dream killer responsible for that horrific He-Man movie that murdered my childhood) for allegedly turning him into their toy and butt raping him from Hollywood to Hawaii starting when he was just 15 years old. Michael Egan was being represented by lawyer Jeff Herman, but things started to fall apart back in May when Jeff asked to be dismissed from the case.
I know, I hate myself too for posting this. If you put your ear up to it, you can hear Bruce Jenner’s high-pitched wail before it grabs onto your ear and pulls it off of your head. When it gets to its lair, it will spit your ear out, melt down the cartilage and inject that shit into Kim Kartrashian’s face.
Pimp Mama Kris’ kamel toe of destruction showed itself while leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood with Dean Cain yesterday. Isn’t Dean Cain supposed to be 90s Superman? Obviously, he was a fake the entire time, because if he was really Superman, he would be on the ground, screaming for mercy from being exposed to PMK’s kryptonite kamel toe. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to run to the nearest church to burn my retinas on a saint candle. You do too? I’ll save you a spot.
If you were praying to God on Saturday for whatever reason and wondering why it felt like nobody was on the other line, it’s because God was doing better things. God was busy giving away his successor at her wedding. AP spit this out on Twitter this morning:
Okay, God and all the saints didn’t walk St. Angie down the aisle, but Maddox and Pax did, which is the next best thing. Here’s the only details we know so far. I’m sure new details will be printed into the newest edition of the Bible and the pictures will appear in stained glass form on the windows of Notre-Dame Cathedral:
Jolie and Pitt wed Saturday in a small chapel in a private ceremony attended by family and friends. In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Pitt and Jolie also obtained a marriage license from a local California judge. The judge also conducted the ceremony in France.
The couple’s children took part in the wedding. Jolie walked the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax. Zahara and Vivienne threw petals. Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers, the spokesman says.
Brad Pitt said a million years ago that he and St. Angie wouldn’t get married until everyone could get married. This means that gay marriage must be legal EVERYWHERE. Thank you, Brangelina! Thank you!
Lisa (as played by Stacey Keanan) from the 1990 movie Lisa!
Once upon a time, people used phones to communicate. And nobody loved using phones more than teenagers, especially teenage girls (or baby homos like me). In middle school I’d sit on the phone with friends for hours and just watch TV, but not even fucking talk!
Lisa, starring early 90s sensation Stacey Keanan, is a teenager but thinks her life is SO UNFAIR because her mom won’t let her go out and date. Also, her mom is played by Cheryl Ladd in a GROUNDBREAKING performance. Anyway, because she’s pissed and bored, Lisa looks up men’s phone numbers based on their license plates (don’t ask) and then anonymously calls them and talks sexy. One trick turns psycho and tries
to kill her ass!
Lisa taught an entire generation about the dangers of phone sex! Somebody call Harvey Weinstein and get Courtney Stodden to star in the sequel about the dangers of sexting! They can call it “Madison” or some shit.
Jason Priestley (45)
Kyle Massey (23)
Andreja Pejić (23)
Cassadee Pope (25)
Armie Hammer (28)
Florence Welch (28)
Sarah Roemer (30)
LeAnn Rimes (32)
Carly Pope (34)
Todd Eldredge (43)
Jack Black (45)
Billy Boyd (46)
Shania Twain (49)
David Fincher (52)
Jennifer Coolidge (53)
Emma Samms (54)
Scott Hamilton (56)
Luis Guzmán (58)
Veteran news journalist Sheila Weller’s book titled The News Sorority about Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric and Christiane Amanpour’s rise to the top is coming out in a minute and to sell that shit, her publisher gave The Daily Beast (via UsWeekly) some of the book’s juiciest highlights. In the book, Sheila claims that when Diane Sawyer was the queen of Good Morning America and Katie Couric was the queen of Today, they hated each other and regularly battled it out for scoops. Katie was the Alexis to Diane’s Krystle, basically. At one point, Katie allegedly said (or joked) that Diane sucks dick for interviews. Who knew that Diane Sawyer was the Rita Ora of morning news shows?
Sheila writes that Katie once tried to get an interview with one of Diane’s famous friends and when Diane found out about it, she got her husband Mike Nicholas to call the friend and let them know that their friendship would be over if they went on Today. Some source also told Sheila that when Diane scooped Katie for an interview with a 57-year-old woman who birthed out twins, Katie showed her jealous ass by hating on Diane’s immaculate head game.
Robert Pattinson, Tom Sturridge, and Rob’s new “mystery girl” (she’s hiding behind Rob, because she’s ~so~ mysterious) went to lunch in New York, but all I really care about is why RPattz is dressed like a the broken condom hipster baby of Mickey Knox and Steve Zissou? – Lainey Gossip
You can always count on Backdoor Farrah to keep bringing the next-level delusion – Reality Tea
I know it looks like North West is giving a high-five, but it’s actually her non-verbal way of communicating “Please, take me with you” - Celebitchy
May god strike me down for ever thinking that Liv Tyler from the back looks like a Kardashian – Hollywood Tuna
Donatella Versace did the ALS ice bucket challenge, but what I REALLY want to see is Maya Rudolph as Donatella Versace taking the ice bucket challenge – Towleroad
Miley Cyrus wants you to know that even though the hot homeless dude she brought to the VMAs wasn’t homeless-homeless, he was homeless enough for her – WWTDD
While Mimi was busy strutting the streets of New York like a dynamic high-society HBIC, Nick Cannon was shuffling around in the same outfit all the boys in my 1st grade class wore - The Superficial
Here’s Sofia Vergara flashing one of her nipples to human-looking snapping turtle Derek Hough, if you need that in your life – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Apparently, choosy sluts choose guys named Mark – Jezebel
Won’t somebody PLEASE give this toddler some attention???? – Popoholic
Wheelchair Jimmy and Nicki Minaj went on a snack run and WJ paid for everything, because he knows the quickest way to a girl’s butt is though her stomach (ew, what does that even mean?) – Popsugar
#15, would still totally eat – The Berry
Personally, I’m a Matt Damon girl myself, but I’m confident enough in my Mattsuality to admit that Ben Affleck looks like a total DILF here - ICYDK
Gross! Hasn’t the ocean suffered enough? – Just Jared
fired suspended: the person-who-wrote-Kar-hoochie Tran’s-Blue Ivy-hair-joke-for-106 & Park edition – HuffPo
Replace every drawing with dicks wearing berets, and you’ve got all my French textbooks from grades 4 through 10 – OMG Blog
My say something nice is that Lady Gaga reminds me of Otto from The Simpsons here, and I can’t with a good conscience ever hate on Otto – SOW
Whatever happened to the days of getting stoned off your ass on Gravol before a flight and just blissing the fuck out? – Boy Culture
During an interview with Carson Daily on the Today show Wednesday morning, the world’s most famous forever alone Jennifer Aniston was asked by the talking blue-eyed peanut himself about interviewing Gloria Steinem for the MAKERS Conference back in February where she touched on the fact that everybody cares SO MUCH whether or not Jenny’s womb has a fetus in it by saying “Being a woman, your value and worth is associated with marital status or whether or not you’ve procreated.” Rachel from Friends explained that just because a screaming baby hasn’t dropped from her crotch doesn’t mean she’s nothing more than a useless Smartwater-filled sack with a good set of highlights. »
Just when you were starting to think that the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge hit peak fame whore and had officially gone from the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge to the Ay! Look At Me Ice Bucket Challenge, the intergalactic space flower Bai Ling has taken it to new levels of MESS.
The delicate and demure sphinx cat who mutated into an alien when a flaming asteroid hit it many years ago was challenged by her overlord E.T. (at least I think that’s what she said) and she did the challenge on the beach in Santa Monica, CA in front of the paps she called while wearing a white tank midriff SANS bikini top. Because nothing brings awareness to ALS like Bai Ling’s gigantic, wet baby pacifier nipples. If it rains in L.A. today, it’s from Lou Gehrig crying out buckets of tears, because he’s so moved and touched by Bai Ling’s act of charity for ALS.
Before and after the challenge, Bai did a sexy, bikini photo shoot (because DUH) and she also wrote about it on Facebook and compared it to Chinese Water Torture:
Cookie: Lets take the challenge in life, no matter what it will be. Even if it is a water torture like the I had. Cause the experience will add something in your spirit.
“Yes, something in my spirit was definitely added while watching this video,” said some perv fapping to it.
The camera guy shouting, “Let me see your face,” at Bai like he’s a Bang Bus camera guy shouting at a girl who just got a money shot to the mug really adds an elegant touch to this inspirational video. Only Bai, only Bai….