Stage 99 from Models, Inc!
What David Chase, Carlton Cuse, Damon Lindelof, Vince Gilligan,
Matthew Weiner and Shonda Rhimes don’t want to admit is that their #1 source of inspiration for their respective works was Models, Inc! Models, Inc ran from 1994-1995 and was a powerful and provocative look at the “ugly” behind the beauty industry, featuring multi-layered, flawed characters that did the wrong things for the right reasons. Just kidding! It was a piece of shit show that was epically hot featuring a bunch of models who fucked, drank and got stalked and were supposed to be internationally famous but mostly did Montgomery Ward catalog work.
Stage 99 was the VERY EXCLUSIVE nightclub where all the models hung out. It was owned by Adam Louder, played by 1994 sensation James Wilder, who was dating Monique Duran (played by Pinnochio’s sister, Stephanie Romanov). They were boring as hell, but Adam’s ex-wife Grayson was epically hot and played by Emma Samms. Bitch wore hot outfits like this (see attached), tried to kill people, tried to rape Adam and ran Models, Inc as a escort service. Also she had hot lines like this:
Anyway, the club was a piece of shit but Models, Inc will live forever as the greatest show in American history!
Aaron Paul (35)
Blake Jenner (22)
Alexa Vega (26)
Sarah Chalke (38)
Jonny Moseley (39)
Cesar Milan (45)
Chandra Wilson (45)
Bobo of Cypress Hill (46)
Yolanda Adams (53)
Tom Ford (53)
Downtown Julie Brown (55)
Diana Scarwid (59)
Peter Stormare (61)
Paul Reubens (62)
Barbara Bach (67)
Tuesday Weld (71)
Daryl Dragon (The Captain from Captain & Tennille) (72)
Everything about Katherine Heigl’s look at the Emmys screamed GIT (granny in training), from the silk Sears peignoir gown to the just-woke-up-from-a-post-cheesecake-nap hair to the 12lbs of HSN showstopper jewelery. Even the look on her face says “Oh fiddlesticks, I think I forgot to pack a crossword in my clutch” – Lainey Gossip
I see Kristin Chevy Cavalier has hired Heidi Montag as her stylist - Hollywood Tuna
Let me guess: the booth comes down with a case of crabs? – OMG Blog
I think this is the first time the words “soaking wet Superman” are being used to describe a video that isn’t gay porn – Towleroad
You know Levi Johnson probably auditioned for this shit – Reality Tea
Today’s definition of cheap and tacky is… – Jezebel
Kelly Osbourne serving up some pastel rockabilly Stepford Wife lace curtain realness, if that’s even a thing – Celebitchy
The hot homeless dude Miley Cyrus brought to the VMAs technically wasn’t ever really homeless – The Superficial
Lindsay Lohan looks like a boozed-up pink poodle on the cover of Wonderland, but that’s not saying much, since she usually looks like a boozed-up poodle – Drunken Stepfather
Hayden Panettierrrrereree is knocked-up with a baby girl – WWTDD
Even Grumpy Cat is over the ice bucket challenge – SOW
Somebody give this toddler some damn attention already! She’s starving!! – Popoholic
#4 asks the important Tinder questions – The Berry
This vintage pic of Tim Matheson is all kinds of Wild Wild West hot, but if that doesn’t do it for you, I guess you could squint a little and try to trick your brain into thinking it’s Paul Rudd?- Boy Culture
But the real question here is: can acupuncture effect your ability to pronounce things properly? – ICYDK
I didn’t know Max Bialystock was hired as a producer for Sons of Anarchy? – Just Jared
2 Broke Girls continues their long and storied tradition of digging through the trash to find guest “stars” – HuffPo
Aaron Paul’s acceptance speech shout-out to the Kind Campaign crashed their website. Better call Saul! He can fix anything – Pajiba
Perfection, thy name is Cicely Tyson throwing subtle shade to Jessica Lange at the Emmys – Popsugar
Paula Patton popped up in public last night at an Emmys party wearing a demure version of the famed forever Slut Dress. Yes, this is basically the Slut Dress’ aunt. She’s the one who travels everywhere with the Slut Dress’ grandmother and has crotched (ooo, I get to type “typo and it stays!”) covers for her Iris Murdoch and Maeve Binchy novels.
If it’s possible, the Amazonian Paula led with her ass last night. I’m not gonna shade her because I saw how she beat the shit out of that little French girl in Mission Impossible 16 or whatever. Chick’s a brute.
According to the NY Daily News, Patton hasn’t been seen since the Vanity Fair Oscars party back in March, which was only days after the announcement that she had left her human roofie of a husband, Robin Thicke. She’s stayed undercover since then, probably burning all of her old clothes. Cuz’ you know whenever Thicke had a trick over she was trying on Paula’s dresses à la crazed Kate Mara hatin’ Robin Wright in House of Cards.
Check out pics of Paula Patton keeping it classy AND assy last night at Craig’s Restaurant in the gallery below.
If you asked me which HGTV star I’d want to see in their panties, my first choice would be Scott McGillivray, then Jamie Durie and lastly Suzanne Whang (because one should never forget the first and best voice queen of House Hunters!). Neither of those Property Brothers would be on my list, but I’ll still take it.
Because the Emmys red carpet is crowded and a trick has to pull some stunts to get the photographers to take their cameras off of Christina Hendricks’ magnificent chichis and put it on them, Jonathan Silver Scott, one of the human boxes of Feria for Men known as the Property Brothers, pulled up his kilt and served up some Magic To Do bulge while posing with his brothers Drew and J.D. Scott last night. What’s missing from this picture is the other brother Drew looking at that bulge while saying, “I know, I know, it needs work, but it TOTALLY has potential.”
The Property Brothers have always reminded me of this ceramic Jesus statue that my abuelita bought at the border in Tijuana for $3 at most. For some reason, her Jesus statue had short hair and as time went on, it had chips and nicks all over its body and face. So every time I watch the Property Brothers, I think of that Tijuana-made, bootleg, short-haired ceramic Jesus statue in my abuelita’s room. But you know, I still would. Don’t tell my abuelita.
Justin Bieber (seen above trying for “sexy” and ending up with “shart”) has been feeling very liberated after shaving his poopstache so he allegedly tried to grab a cellphone off a guy at Dave & Buster’s in Hollywood last night.
TMZ reports that Asshole and his on-again/off-again girlfriend Chipmunkra (Selena Gomez) were hanging at the chain restaurant/arcade when another patron reportedly started clicking away at them on his phone. Justin refused to be snapped losing to his piece at the giant Connect Four game so he went for the dude’s phone. His security held him back, someone called the authorities, and his ass left before they got there. I hope someone mopped his prize tickets and used them to buy some gum Serves him right. (I never win enough tickets at that bullshit so I always end up getting gum or a plastic bird you can whistle through after adding water.)
The recipient of the “Breakout Sexy Piece Of This Year’s Emmy Awards Award” is voted for by the Internet and this year it goes to the guy who helmed all of HBO’s occult-y cop show True Detective. His name is Cary Joji Fukunaga and he also won a Best Director Emmy last night! Congrats, Cary. You and your French braid had Twitter fanning its collective nethers all of last night. See, it’s ok to objectify a bitch as long as his ass isn’t spinning around on a platform and dating werewolves for publicity.
On second thought, Kerry Washington’s Emmy dress isn’t exactly Project Runway-levels of WTF (there’s not nearly enough peplums or random-ass fabric “flowers”). It’s actually closer in range to something Tina Knowles would have thrown together last-minute for Michelle Williams, if Tina Knowles ran out of satin, denim, neon lace, redundant belt buckles, fringe, and only had a bolt of busted Tang-colored jersey, some leftover ribbon scraps, and a pair of Beyoncé’s old sequined hot pants. Even Kerry Washington knows she looks not-great. Her face is like: “HAAAAAY! I’m a mess, but everyone loves me, so haters to the left!”
It’s a scientific fact that Kerry Washington can’t ever look bad, so technically this look falls into the category of ‘Not exactly a home-run’. But sometimes you just say fuck it, I’m wearing black-tie bike shorts and a dress with weird seams that make it look like I’m a reflection in a Fun House mirror, and applying some dusty blue garage doors to my eyelids and if I have time, I’ll finger-comb some Batiste dry shampoo through my hair in the limo, because YOLO. Or LIGAF. Or whatever the acronym for “fuck effort, I’m only here for the booze” is.
But my say something nice is that she kind of looks like what the lazy sluts do on Halloween when they forgot to get a costume and all they have to work with is an orange dress from Bebe, so they just go out to the club as “Sexy..uh…Halloween Girl?“, which is literally my favorite thing ever.
Here’s more of Kerry, as well as all the other fancy-dressed hos from the Emmys in no particular order. Just kidding! I put the hottest first! Jon Hamm (the whole gallery should be pictures of Jon Hamm from various angles, but I don’t wanna be a creep)(too late)! Christina “Chichi Queen” Hendricks! Peter Dinklage! Donna from That 70s Show!
Before I get into Sarah Paulson’s dress, I need to tell the story about the time I had bedbugs. Two years ago, the apartment building I was living in had an outbreak of Satan’s dingleberries (aka bedbugs) and I was one of the lucky ones who got them. I only had 4 or 5 bedbugs move in with me, but they were not as cute as that “Goodnight, sleep tight” rhyme makes them out to be. Even though an exterminator came in and murdered those little fuckers, I was still super paranoid that they’d come back. Every night I thought I could still feel them crawling on me, so I started wearing socks and mittens and a balaclava to bed to make sure they didn’t crawl on me, but I was still too paranoid to sleep.
Eventually I got into sleeping pills, but my dumb ass didn’t do any research and I ended up using some shit with a low-dose of heroin, which meant I was even more paranoid. It got to the point where I had convinced myself the bedbugs were living under my skin (yes, I went full-Lohan) and was forced to go to a friend’s place in the country to dry out. And she searched my bag when I got there, too! Bitch was acting like she was running a low-budget Betty Ford. Anyways, I got over my phobia of bedbugs and only have the odd nightmare now.
But once I saw Sarah Paulson’s Emmy dress, it was like American Horror Story: BEDBUGS and all my fears came crawling back. Those little red dots remind me of bug bites and bugs and that black mesh looks like it feels like bugs crawling on skin. I literally just deep-scratched my arm. Part of me wants to take a cold shower, and the other part of me wants to high-tail it to Rite Aid to see if I can’t find some over-the-counter bad shit. Not cool Sarah! Your dress should come with a trigger warning!
This year was a tough year for the “In Memoriam” segment of the Emmys; it was like an all-you-can-weep sadness buffet. Some of television’s best flew up to TV heaven this year: Alice from The Brady Bunch. Don Pardo. Meshach Taylor!!! But of course, the most time was dedicated to Robin Williams, and he was given a really sweet eulogy by Billy Crystal, followed by a couple of clips from various appearances on TV. Billy also told a story about the time he, Whoopi, and Robin were at Shea stadium for Comic Relief day and he asked Robin – who knew nothing about baseball – what his favorite baseball team was, and he answered “The San Franciscos”. Everybody in the audience laughed like “LOL classic Robin“, but I’m with Robin Williams – is The San Franciscos the wrong answer? The San Franciscos sounds right to me.
But the cutest tribute of the night goes to Jimmy Kimmel, who wore rainbow suspenders under his tuxedo in honor of Mork from Ork. Oh god, did it just get dusty with onions in here or something?? Pass me the Kleenex, my eyes are watering.
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) August 25, 2014