Archives: August 2014

Chelsea Handler Got All Her Famous Friends To Say Goodbye To Her Show Last Night

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night was the finale episode of Chelsea Lately, thus ending Chelsea Handler’s 7 year run as E!’s drunk aunt. And to celebrate being free from no longer having to walk the halls at E! and smell the stink of Lucifer’s ball sweat wafting off the Kardashians (or 7 seasons, whatever) she called up all the famous hos in her life and told them to put on something clean-ish and get their asses down to her studio to sing her ass off the stage. And they all showed up, probably because Chelsea’s dog Chuck commanded them to do so with his adorable face. Look at Chuck Handler! I’d rob a liquor store for that dog if he asked me to! No, you’re right, I wouldn’t; but I’d definitely consider it. »

Tyler Perry Is Arthouse

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Tyler Perry stars as attorney Tanner Bolt in the film adaption of that goddamn ever-present Gone Girl book. Madea told Yahoo Movies that she had no idea who director David Fincher was, had never heard of the book, and wouldn’t have done the movie if she’d known how popular the two were. She’s so indie.

“I probably would have walked away from it. If I had known who David Fincher was, and his body of work, or if I’d known the book was so popular, I would have said, No,” he admits. “And my agent knew that! He didn’t tell me until after I signed on!”

I had no idea Tyler lived in a hermetically sealed arthouse cinema which only plays the films of Cassavetes, Bergman, Truffaut, Goddard, and Fellini (I have access to Wikipedia). When did this bitch get so bougie? HES FUCKIKNG MADEA. There are eight Madea films which don’t exactly play at the Brattle in Harvard Square. He didn’t know who David Fincher (Se7en, The Social Network, The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons, Panic Room, need I go on?) was? This bitch inexplicably popped up in the middle of the Star Trek remake and didn’t know who David Fincher was? Those fake tits under that housedress are full of LIES.

I’ll give him Gone Girl cuz’ not everyone’s a reader and I’m guessing he doesn’t take the subway.

Check out the latest trailer for Gone Girl and a couple of pics of Madea stooping to appear in utterly commercial and soulless cinema below. Hallelujer!

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Okay, The Beyhive Can Stop Threatening To Murder The Difficult Brown’s Piece

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

All together now: The HELL kind of GD rejected Fly Girl outfit is that bitch wearing? Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

On Sunday night, the second, third, fourth and final coming of Jesus, Blue Ivy Carter, blessed the VMAs with her holy presence and the halo in the form of a natural afro over her head. Some bitches on Twitter dragged BIC for having natural hair and those people probably woke up with a head full of no hair, because God scalped them all in the night for hating on their successor. One of those bitches was Chris Brown’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again trick Karrueche Tran (pronounced: Bitch You Fucking Dumb For Being With Chris Brown).

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Stage 99 from Models, Inc!

What David Chase, Carlton Cuse, Damon Lindelof, Vince Gilligan,
Matthew Weiner and Shonda Rhimes don’t want to admit is that their #1 source of inspiration for their respective works was Models, Inc! Models, Inc ran from 1994-1995 and was a powerful and provocative look at the “ugly” behind the beauty industry, featuring multi-layered, flawed characters that did the wrong things for the right reasons. Just kidding! It was a piece of shit show that was epically hot featuring a bunch of models who fucked, drank and got stalked and were supposed to be internationally famous but mostly did Montgomery Ward catalog work.

Screen Shot 2014-08-22 at 1.12.24 PM-2

Stage 99 was the VERY EXCLUSIVE nightclub where all the models hung out. It was owned by Adam Louder, played by 1994 sensation James Wilder, who was dating Monique Duran (played by Pinnochio’s sister, Stephanie Romanov). They were boring as hell, but Adam’s ex-wife Grayson was epically hot and played by Emma Samms. Bitch wore hot outfits like this (see attached), tried to kill people, tried to rape Adam and ran Models, Inc as a escort service. Also she had hot lines like this (start at 34:35):

Anyway, the club was a piece of shit but Models, Inc will live forever as the greatest show in American history!

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Birthday Sluts

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Aaron Paul (35)
Blake Jenner (22)
Alexa Vega (26)
Mario (28)
Mase (37)
Sarah Chalke (38)
Jonny Moseley (39)
Cesar Milan (45)
Chandra Wilson (45)
Bobo of Cypress Hill (46)
Yolanda Adams (53)
Tom Ford (53)
Downtown Julie Brown (55)
Diana Scarwid (59)
Peter Stormare (61)
Paul Reubens (62)
Barbara Bach (67)
Tuesday Weld (71)
Daryl Dragon (The Captain from Captain & Tennille) (72)

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Night Crumbs

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Everything about Katherine Heigl’s look at the Emmys screamed GIT (granny in training), from the silk Sears peignoir gown to the just-woke-up-from-a-post-cheesecake-nap hair to the 12lbs of HSN showstopper jewelery. Even the look on her face says “Oh fiddlesticks, I think I forgot to pack a crossword in my clutch”Lainey Gossip

I see Kristin Chevy Cavalier has hired Heidi Montag as her stylist - Hollywood Tuna

Let me guess: the booth comes down with a case of crabs? – OMG Blog

I think this is the first time the words “soaking wet Superman” are being used to describe a video that isn’t gay porn – Towleroad

You know Levi Johnson probably auditioned for this shit – Reality Tea

Today’s definition of cheap and tacky is… – Jezebel

Kelly Osbourne serving up some pastel rockabilly Stepford Wife lace curtain realness, if that’s even a thing – Celebitchy

The hot homeless dude Miley Cyrus brought to the VMAs technically wasn’t ever really homeless – The Superficial

Lindsay Lohan looks like a boozed-up pink poodle on the cover of Wonderland, but that’s not saying much, since she usually looks like a boozed-up poodle – Drunken Stepfather

Hayden Panettierrrrereree is knocked-up with a baby girl – WWTDD

Even Grumpy Cat is over the ice bucket challenge – SOW

Somebody give this toddler some damn attention already! She’s starving!! – Popoholic

#4 asks the important Tinder questions – The Berry

This vintage pic of Tim Matheson is all kinds of Wild Wild West hot, but if that doesn’t do it for you, I guess you could squint a little and try to trick your brain into thinking it’s Paul Rudd?- Boy Culture

But the real question here is: can acupuncture effect your ability to pronounce things properly? – ICYDK

I didn’t know Max Bialystock was hired as a producer for Sons of Anarchy? – Just Jared

2 Broke Girls continues their long and storied tradition of digging through the trash to find guest “stars” – HuffPo

Aaron Paul’s acceptance speech shout-out to the Kind Campaign crashed their website. Better call Saul! He can fix anything – Pajiba

Perfection, thy name is Cicely Tyson throwing subtle shade to Jessica Lange at the Emmys  – Popsugar

Pic: Splash

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Paula Patton Reappeared Last Night Wearing The Slut Dress’ Spinster Aunt

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Paula Patton popped up in public last night at an Emmys party wearing a demure version of the famed forever Slut Dress. Yes, this is basically the Slut Dress’ aunt. She’s the one who travels everywhere with the Slut Dress’ grandmother and has crotched (ooo, I get to type “typo and it stays!”) covers for her Iris Murdoch and Maeve Binchy novels.

If it’s possible, the Amazonian Paula led with her ass last night. I’m not gonna shade her because I saw how she beat the shit out of that little French girl in Mission Impossible 16 or whatever. Chick’s a brute.

According to the NY Daily News, Patton hasn’t been seen since the Vanity Fair Oscars party back in March, which was only days after the announcement that she had left her human roofie of a husband, Robin Thicke. She’s stayed undercover since then, probably burning all of her old clothes. Cuz’ you know whenever Thicke had a trick over she was trying on Paula’s dresses à la crazed Kate Mara hatin’ Robin Wright in House of Cards.

Check out pics of Paula Patton keeping it classy AND assy last night at Craig’s Restaurant in the gallery below.

Pics: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By A Property Brother’s Harlequin Bulge

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

If you asked me which HGTV star I’d want to see in their panties, my first choice would be Scott McGillivray, then Jamie Durie and lastly Suzanne Whang (because one should never forget the first and best voice queen of House Hunters!). Neither of those Property Brothers would be on my list, but I’ll still take it.

Because the Emmys red carpet is crowded and a trick has to pull some stunts to get the photographers to take their cameras off of Christina Hendricks’ magnificent chichis and put it on them, Jonathan Silver Scott, one of the human boxes of Feria for Men known as the Property Brothers, pulled up his kilt and served up some Magic To Do bulge while posing with his brothers Drew and J.D. Scott last night. What’s missing from this picture is the other brother Drew looking at that bulge while saying, “I know, I know, it needs work, but it TOTALLY has potential.

The Property Brothers have always reminded me of this ceramic Jesus statue that my abuelita bought at the border in Tijuana for $3 at most. For some reason, her Jesus statue had short hair and as time went on, it had chips and nicks all over its body and face. So every time I watch the Property Brothers, I think of that Tijuana-made, bootleg, short-haired ceramic Jesus statue in my abuelita’s room. But you know, I still would. Don’t tell my abuelita.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash, Getty

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Irritating Shithead Justin Bieber Won’t Be Charged For Being “Held Back” By His Security Again

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber (seen above trying for “sexy” and ending up with “shart”) has been feeling very liberated after shaving his poopstache so he allegedly tried to grab a cellphone off a guy at Dave & Buster’s in Hollywood last night.

TMZ reports that Asshole and his on-again/off-again girlfriend Chipmunkra (Selena Gomez) were hanging at the chain restaurant/arcade when another patron reportedly started clicking away at them on his phone. Justin refused to be snapped losing to his piece at the giant Connect Four game so he went for the dude’s phone. His security held him back, someone called the authorities, and his ass left before they got there. I hope someone mopped his prize tickets and used them to buy some gum Serves him right. (I never win enough tickets at that bullshit so I always end up getting gum or a plastic bird you can whistle through after adding water.)

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“True Detective” Director Cary Joji Fukunaga Has Moistened The Internet

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

The recipient of the “Breakout Sexy Piece Of This Year’s Emmy Awards Award” is voted for by the Internet and this year it goes to the guy who helmed all of HBO’s occult-y cop show True Detective. His name is Cary Joji Fukunaga and he also won a Best Director Emmy last night! Congrats, Cary. You and your French braid had Twitter fanning its collective nethers all of last night. See, it’s ok to objectify a bitch as long as his ass isn’t spinning around on a platform and dating werewolves for publicity.

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