Archives: August 2014

Night Crumbs

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Robert Pattinson’s Ice Bucket Challenge video involves him getting hosed down, pelted with ice repeatedly and hit with Solo Cups. Big deal, the same thing happens to me when I loudly sing along to a Selena song at a family barbecue. They’re serious about their Selena – Popsugar

Kim Kardashian continues to be a selfless and charitable modern day St. Vincent de Paul – Gawker

Johnny Depp’s daughter got cast in a Kevin Smith movie, because of her talent and charisma and mostly because she was once one of Johnny Depp’s sperm – Lainey Gossip

Jackie Chan needs to smoke some good shit from his son’s stash and calm down – WWTDD

Lisa Hochstein from Real Housewives of Miami shared drawings of her new house and it looks like a 4-star Las Vegas hotel that is very popular with the douche demographic – Reality Tea

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson pressed pause on their marriage for a month and it would be completely reasonable to blame it all on Chet HazeCelebitchy

Isn’t the Ice Bucket Challenge a little mainstream for the avant-garde, forward artist James Franco?  - Towleroad

Cara Delawhatever got naked and took a bath in flowers for Tom Ford – Drunken Stepfather

Tina Fey and Beverly D’Angelo give FACE in a selfie – The Superficial

Why is Selena Gomez wearing the shorts I wore in the 4th grade and doesn’t she know they’re meant to be worn with a Body Glove tank and British Knights? – Hollywood Tuna

Jessica Alba’s dress grew a hangnail – Popoholic

I’ll like this “Reasons God Made Girls” song a whole lot more when two queens LIP SYNCH FOR THEIR LIVES to it on RuPaul’s Drag Race - Jezebel

Taylor Swift, who was alive for 10 seconds in the 80s, misses the 80s – ICYDK

Emma Stone will pop her pussy in lingerie as Sally Bowls in Cabaret on Broadway – Pajiba

What some of that Hunger Games money bought Liam HemsworthThe Berry

Wait, Lisa Rinna’s wearing a mask in that picture? – SOW

Katie Holmes doesn’t think being a Stepford Beard hurt her career – Just Jared


Open Post: Hosted By “Anna Wintour” Doing The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I call shenanigans! There’s no way that’s the real Anna Wintour. That’s obviously a fraudulent Anna Wintour in a Ricky’s wig and Chinatown sunglasses. If that was the real Anna Wintour, one of four things would’ve happened:

1. She would’ve melted.

2. The water would’ve instantly froze as soon as it hit the top of her ice queen bob.

3. The water would’ve never left those buckets, because it knew that if it got Anna Wintour wet, she’d destroy it and its family.

4. She would’ve changed into her original form and multiplied. None of you would be reading this right now, because one of her clones would’ve already hunted you down and dragged you back to her nest with the rest of humanity.

Nice try, Anna.

via Lainey


Zac Efron And Michelle Rodriguez Aren’t A Thing Anymore

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

There will be no 0 carat, princess cut crack rock engagement rings. There will be no wedding where the guests will gasp when Michelle Rodriguez lifts Zac Efron’s veil and reveals his stunningly made up wedding day face. There will be no baby that’s a giant six pack with brows. There will be none of that, because Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez are done doing whatever it is they were doing for the past 2 months.

Several multiple sources (read: Zac’s PR bitch, Michi’s PR bitch, that Italian daddy, etc) tell UsWeekly that they had a major fight in Ibiza and left the shattered pieces of their genuine love on the shores of Spain.

“Michelle is going to do her own thing. Zac knew this about her when he got with her,” a second source tells Us. “He’s very into her though, and perhaps more than she’s into him.”

Indeed, despite calling it quits, Efron, 26, hasn’t lost hope on the relationship. “Zac still wants to be with her,” the first source adds.

He’s very into her” translates into “She gets the best kind of bad shit.”

Sadly for all of us, this shit ended without them leaking some kind of sex tape. Damn that Zac for ruining EVERYTHING. Damn him for making his scissor sister mad by stealing her stash. Or maybe Michelle’s the one who screwed up by cheating on him badly when she used the double-sided dildo they shared on another whore. Damn them both.

Here’s MRod mourning the loss of Zachelle by partying with some hot chicks at Nikki Beach Club in Marbella a few days ago.

Mariah Carey And Nick Cannon’s Glitter-Coated Marriage Is Probably Dead And They’re Living In Seperate Houses

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

It feels like over the past 12 months, there have been a billion barely-even blind items (more like near-sighted items or items in which you might need a pair of cheaters and better lighting) that start with “Which cast member from The Nick Cannon Show might be splitting from his agelessly-glamorous butterfly muppet wife?”, but I kept ignoring them, because imagining Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon getting a divorce got me super bummed out for some reason. I know, I should NOT have admitted that out loud. My brain is very embarrassed for me right now.

But Page Six says the rumors are true and we should all prepare for a rhinestone-crusted meltdown sometime in the near future, because Mr. Mariah Carey and the human Diamond Candle are two-thirds of the way to a divorce. A source claims it all started when Mimi hired a security guard to keep an eye on Nick at a Las Vegas pool party and make sure that he stayed away from the booze, because apparently he goes sniffing for strange when he gets drunk, and she didn’t want him firing his trouser cannon into any random pool skanks. Eventually shit got too tense and he moved out of their home and into a hotel. The two haven’t been photographed together in months, Mimi hasn’t Instagrammed or tweeted anything about Nick since June, and they put their Bel Air mansion up for sale in July. Despite all this, Nick was spotted at a club on Monday night wearing his wedding ring.

On one hand, I never want to see anyone split up, because true love and soul mates and bla bla bla, but on the other hand, I do love watching a crazy trick try to get her groove back after a divorce. If Mimi is truly ready to rip-up the Hello Kitty marriage license she had custom-made from pressed pixie wings, then I cannot wait to see what kind of turbo-sexy a post-Nick Cannon she has in store. $10 says she wears nothing but bedazzled denim coochie cutters and a pink bikini top for an entire year.

Pic: Instagram

It’s A Tragic Day In Gold Digging History: Anna Nicole Smith’s Estate Has Lost The Battle For J. Howard Marshall’s Millions

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

After almost 20 years of fighting for a piece of the Marshall family fortune, Team Anna Nicole has lost for the last time and sadly this story won’t end with Dannielynn Birkhead sitting on top of a mountain of diamonds, gold coins and bricks of cash. A gold digger-hating U.S. District judge named Judge David O. Carter put an end to Team Anna Nicole’s attempts at getting some of that Marshall money. Dannielynn Birkhead will probably never see one penny from the Marshall family, because Anna Nicole’s estate is all out of moves.

This gold digging saga started in 1995 when Anna Nicole’s 90-year-old Texas billionaire husband of one year J. Howard Marshall II died and left his entire $1.6 billion estate to his son E. Pierce Marshall and left nothing to Anna and his other son J. Howard Marshall III. Anna Nicole and J. Howard Marshall III fought to overturn the will. They lost. Anna later declared bankruptcy and a bankruptcy court awarded her $475 million. The judge ruled that she had a right to that money due to “E. Pierce Marshall’s improper interference with his father’s estate.” But E. Pierce Marshall appealed and it went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court where the judgement from the bankruptcy court was overturned twice.

E. Pierce Marshall died in 2006 and Anna Nicole followed him a year later. But the saga continued.


Gwyneth Paltrow Is Schooling Beyoncé In The Art Of The Perfect Goopy Divorce

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Now that the “On The Run” tour has wrapped up (well, almost – the people of France still get to hiss out a bored “Le sigh” when the Stunt Twins bring their tired TWOO WUV act to town) Beyoncé has started to shift her energy from trying desperately to convince everyone that her marriage to Jay-Z is rock solid on Instagram to waterproofing her weave cellar in preparation for the inevitable tsunami of Bumble Bey tears that will drown North America when she announces there’s trouble in Camel-lot.

First she started looking for a new house, and now Us Weekly claims she’s looking for divorce advice. But instead of going to a marriage counselor or a lawyer, a source says she’s pulling up an imported marble foot stool hand-carved from the head of Michelangelo’s David and taking lessons from the world’s greatest best friend Gwyneth Paltrow in how to announce your divorce in the most obnoxious better-than-your-divorce way possible.

The “Crazy in Love” singer “has sought Gwyneth Paltrow’s advice as she plans her split,” the insider says. Multiple sources tell Us that Queen Bey and Jay will separate in the fall, after completing their On The Run tour dates. Blue Ivy’s mom is planning for the breakup to echo the Goop founder’s amicable “conscious uncoupling” from Chris Martin, the first source says.

“The day after the announcement, Bey and Jay will be spotted together,” adds the insider. “The two will be all lovey-dovey.”

But what if Beyoncé wants to continue her education and learn more about being an insufferably snobby twat? Thankfully, The Goop Institute of Elitism offers a variety of post-divorce programs. For $500,000, students may enroll in any of the following classes personally taught by Professor Gwyneth K. Paltrow herself: General Snobbery, Perfection, Advanced Cluelessness, Living As A Struggling Single Mother, Billionaire Hunting, TV/VCR Repair, Bookkeeping, Auto Mechanics, Business Management, AND MORE! To receive a brochure from the prestigious GIoE, call 1-800-SNOB-4-ME, and please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.

Pic: Instagram

Michelle Duggar Compared Child Molesters To Trans Women

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Two Duggar posts in one day. It’s like a double gift from Hell!

Both of Michelle Duggar’s eyes are giving birth to a litter of teardrops today, but they’re crying for different reasons. Michelle’s left eye is crying tears of pure happiness, because the world finally knows that the Duggar army is growing even more. Michelle Duggar’s right eye is crying tears of bigoted sadness, because the anti-discrimination ordinance that she was trying to keep from passing, passed.

Early this morning, the City Council of Fayetteville, Arkansas passed an anti-discrimination ordinance that protects citizens from being discriminated against because of their age, gender, sexual orientation, marital status, gender identity, gender expression, race, religion, nationality, veteran status, disability and how much money they’ve got their bank account. It makes sense, but of course some bitches tried to stop it from going forward. One of those bitches was Michelle Duggar.


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Whoopi Goldberg Doesn’t Want To Be On The View Anymore

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Apparently it’s Ass Day today at Dlisted (although, when isn’t it ass day, really? Everyday should be ass day). First Nicki Minaj releases a 5-minute long infomercial for her over-inflated bouncy castle ass, then Jessica Simpson is thinking about upgrading her butt balls to a set of DDs, and now Whoopi Goldberg apparently doesn’t want to sit her ass at The View’s Hot Topics table anymore. According to The National Enquirer, a source close to Whoopi says that even though she just signed a 4-year contract, she’s already looking for a box in which to put her things (Crocs, linen caftan shirts, the zero fucks she gives on a daily basis) and shuffle her ass out of the hen house.

“Whoopi regrets roping herself in like that and is trying to figure a way out,” said a source close to the Oscar winner. “She wants out to do other projects, and feels network honchos are holding her back.”

Another source added: “Whoopi is sick of all the drama surrounding The View.”

There’s a very obvious solution to Whoopi’s problem. You’d think that acting like an irrational ball of dramatic crazy would be enough to get you fired, but the producers of The View get off on that shit (I believe their mission statement is “The Crazier, The Better”). So how does one get fired from The View? Well, Jenny McCarthy got her ass fired for being a human snooze button, which means that – in theory – the easiest way for Whoopi to get cut is to start showing up to work drowsy on Ambien and chugging from a thermos filled with NyQuil. Two minutes in to Hot Topics, and that bitch will be asleep for the rest of the show. Besides, she already dresses like she’s ready for a nap on the couch, so it will be an easy transition.

The only downside I can see is if Whoopi is a talker. I sometimes talk in my sleep, and I say some next-level crazy shit. If Whoopi starts muttering like a sleep crazy, then she’s doomed; sleep crazy is crazier than awake crazy, and no doubt the second she starts babbling incoherent drugged-up sleep crazy, they’ll sign her ass to another 4 more years.

The Duggar Family’s Newest Baby-Making Machine Didn’t Waste Any Time….

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

All the letters of the alphabet are shaking in fear and preparing themselves to be overused, because another Duggar has started the spawning….

On 23-year-old Jill Duggar’s wedding day, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar took her aside and tearfully gave her the white sheet with the hole in it that they used on their wedding day and then Michelle gave her the crotchless bridal panties that she wore during her first time. Michelle gently stroked the future baby machine’s cheek and told her that 10 seconds after her husband’s hummingbird beak touches her flower (Michelle gave him 10 seconds to cum, she was being generous), she needs to throw her legs up to God and hang upside down so the spawning can begin. Jill must’ve done everything her parents said, because 2 months after she got married on June 21st, she’s got the 4,000th Duggar growing in her womb. Jill and her 25-year-old husband Derick didn’t waste any time in barebacking their way to a baby and they also didn’t waste any time in running off to People to let it be known that the world is another step closer to being covered in nothing but Duggars.



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