Archives: August 2014

Mariah Carey And Nick Cannon’s Glitter-Coated Marriage Is Probably Dead And They’re Living In Seperate Houses

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

It feels like over the past 12 months, there have been a billion barely-even blind items (more like near-sighted items or items in which you might need a pair of cheaters and better lighting) that start with “Which cast member from The Nick Cannon Show might be splitting from his agelessly-glamorous butterfly muppet wife?”, but I kept ignoring them, because imagining Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon getting a divorce got me super bummed out for some reason. I know, I should NOT have admitted that out loud. My brain is very embarrassed for me right now.

But Page Six says the rumors are true and we should all prepare for a rhinestone-crusted meltdown sometime in the near future, because Mr. Mariah Carey and the human Diamond Candle are two-thirds of the way to a divorce. A source claims it all started when Mimi hired a security guard to keep an eye on Nick at a Las Vegas pool party and make sure that he stayed away from the booze, because apparently he goes sniffing for strange when he gets drunk, and she didn’t want him firing his trouser cannon into any random pool skanks. Eventually shit got too tense and he moved out of their home and into a hotel. The two haven’t been photographed together in months, Mimi hasn’t Instagrammed or tweeted anything about Nick since June, and they put their Bel Air mansion up for sale in July. Despite all this, Nick was spotted at a club on Monday night wearing his wedding ring.

On one hand, I never want to see anyone split up, because true love and soul mates and bla bla bla, but on the other hand, I do love watching a crazy trick try to get her groove back after a divorce. If Mimi is truly ready to rip-up the Hello Kitty marriage license she had custom-made from pressed pixie wings, then I cannot wait to see what kind of turbo-sexy a post-Nick Cannon she has in store. $10 says she wears nothing but bedazzled denim coochie cutters and a pink bikini top for an entire year.

Pic: Instagram

It’s A Tragic Day In Gold Digging History: Anna Nicole Smith’s Estate Has Lost The Battle For J. Howard Marshall’s Millions

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

After almost 20 years of fighting for a piece of the Marshall family fortune, Team Anna Nicole has lost for the last time and sadly this story won’t end with Dannielynn Birkhead sitting on top of a mountain of diamonds, gold coins and bricks of cash. A gold digger-hating U.S. District judge named Judge David O. Carter put an end to Team Anna Nicole’s attempts at getting some of that Marshall money. Dannielynn Birkhead will probably never see one penny from the Marshall family, because Anna Nicole’s estate is all out of moves.

This gold digging saga started in 1995 when Anna Nicole’s 90-year-old Texas billionaire husband of one year J. Howard Marshall II died and left his entire $1.6 billion estate to his son E. Pierce Marshall and left nothing to Anna and his other son J. Howard Marshall III. Anna Nicole and J. Howard Marshall III fought to overturn the will. They lost. Anna later declared bankruptcy and a bankruptcy court awarded her $475 million. The judge ruled that she had a right to that money due to “E. Pierce Marshall’s improper interference with his father’s estate.” But E. Pierce Marshall appealed and it went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court where the judgement from the bankruptcy court was overturned twice.

E. Pierce Marshall died in 2006 and Anna Nicole followed him a year later. But the saga continued.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Is Schooling Beyoncé In The Art Of The Perfect Goopy Divorce

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Now that the “On The Run” tour has wrapped up (well, almost – the people of France still get to hiss out a bored “Le sigh” when the Stunt Twins bring their tired TWOO WUV act to town) Beyoncé has started to shift her energy from trying desperately to convince everyone that her marriage to Jay-Z is rock solid on Instagram to waterproofing her weave cellar in preparation for the inevitable tsunami of Bumble Bey tears that will drown North America when she announces there’s trouble in Camel-lot.

First she started looking for a new house, and now Us Weekly claims she’s looking for divorce advice. But instead of going to a marriage counselor or a lawyer, a source says she’s pulling up an imported marble foot stool hand-carved from the head of Michelangelo’s David and taking lessons from the world’s greatest best friend Gwyneth Paltrow in how to announce your divorce in the most obnoxious better-than-your-divorce way possible.

The “Crazy in Love” singer “has sought Gwyneth Paltrow’s advice as she plans her split,” the insider says. Multiple sources tell Us that Queen Bey and Jay will separate in the fall, after completing their On The Run tour dates. Blue Ivy’s mom is planning for the breakup to echo the Goop founder’s amicable “conscious uncoupling” from Chris Martin, the first source says.

“The day after the announcement, Bey and Jay will be spotted together,” adds the insider. “The two will be all lovey-dovey.”

But what if Beyoncé wants to continue her education and learn more about being an insufferably snobby twat? Thankfully, The Goop Institute of Elitism offers a variety of post-divorce programs. For $500,000, students may enroll in any of the following classes personally taught by Professor Gwyneth K. Paltrow herself: General Snobbery, Perfection, Advanced Cluelessness, Living As A Struggling Single Mother, Billionaire Hunting, TV/VCR Repair, Bookkeeping, Auto Mechanics, Business Management, AND MORE! To receive a brochure from the prestigious GIoE, call 1-800-SNOB-4-ME, and please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.

Pic: Instagram

Michelle Duggar Compared Child Molesters To Trans Women

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Two Duggar posts in one day. It’s like a double gift from Hell!

Both of Michelle Duggar’s eyes are giving birth to a litter of teardrops today, but they’re crying for different reasons. Michelle’s left eye is crying tears of pure happiness, because the world finally knows that the Duggar army is growing even more. Michelle Duggar’s right eye is crying tears of bigoted sadness, because the anti-discrimination ordinance that she was trying to keep from passing, passed.

Early this morning, the City Council of Fayetteville, Arkansas passed an anti-discrimination ordinance that protects citizens from being discriminated against because of their age, gender, sexual orientation, marital status, gender identity, gender expression, race, religion, nationality, veteran status, disability and how much money they’ve got their bank account. It makes sense, but of course some bitches tried to stop it from going forward. One of those bitches was Michelle Duggar.

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Whoopi Goldberg Doesn’t Want To Be On The View Anymore

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Apparently it’s Ass Day today at Dlisted (although, when isn’t it ass day, really? Everyday should be ass day). First Nicki Minaj releases a 5-minute long infomercial for her over-inflated bouncy castle ass, then Jessica Simpson is thinking about upgrading her butt balls to a set of DDs, and now Whoopi Goldberg apparently doesn’t want to sit her ass at The View’s Hot Topics table anymore. According to The National Enquirer, a source close to Whoopi says that even though she just signed a 4-year contract, she’s already looking for a box in which to put her things (Crocs, linen caftan shirts, the zero fucks she gives on a daily basis) and shuffle her ass out of the hen house.

“Whoopi regrets roping herself in like that and is trying to figure a way out,” said a source close to the Oscar winner. “She wants out to do other projects, and feels network honchos are holding her back.”

Another source added: “Whoopi is sick of all the drama surrounding The View.”

There’s a very obvious solution to Whoopi’s problem. You’d think that acting like an irrational ball of dramatic crazy would be enough to get you fired, but the producers of The View get off on that shit (I believe their mission statement is “The Crazier, The Better”). So how does one get fired from The View? Well, Jenny McCarthy got her ass fired for being a human snooze button, which means that – in theory – the easiest way for Whoopi to get cut is to start showing up to work drowsy on Ambien and chugging from a thermos filled with NyQuil. Two minutes in to Hot Topics, and that bitch will be asleep for the rest of the show. Besides, she already dresses like she’s ready for a nap on the couch, so it will be an easy transition.

The only downside I can see is if Whoopi is a talker. I sometimes talk in my sleep, and I say some next-level crazy shit. If Whoopi starts muttering like a sleep crazy, then she’s doomed; sleep crazy is crazier than awake crazy, and no doubt the second she starts babbling incoherent drugged-up sleep crazy, they’ll sign her ass to another 4 more years.

The Duggar Family’s Newest Baby-Making Machine Didn’t Waste Any Time….

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

All the letters of the alphabet are shaking in fear and preparing themselves to be overused, because another Duggar has started the spawning….

On 23-year-old Jill Duggar’s wedding day, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar took her aside and tearfully gave her the white sheet with the hole in it that they used on their wedding day and then Michelle gave her the crotchless bridal panties that she wore during her first time. Michelle gently stroked the future baby machine’s cheek and told her that 10 seconds after her husband’s hummingbird beak touches her flower (Michelle gave him 10 seconds to cum, she was being generous), she needs to throw her legs up to God and hang upside down so the spawning can begin. Jill must’ve done everything her parents said, because 2 months after she got married on June 21st, she’s got the 4,000th Duggar growing in her womb. Jill and her 25-year-old husband Derick didn’t waste any time in barebacking their way to a baby and they also didn’t waste any time in running off to People to let it be known that the world is another step closer to being covered in nothing but Duggars.

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Jessica Simpson Wants To Stuff Her Butt Full Of Silicone To Make It Look Just Like Kim Kardashian’s

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

After losing a bunch of weight by handcuffing herself to a treadmill set to ‘Usain Bolt’ and drinking nothing but water-flavored water blended with water (sorry…Weight Watchers. She lost it with Weight Watchers) Jessica Simpson realized that somewhere along the line her ass said “Bye, bitch!” and took off. And I don’t blame it! If I were being denied buttered Pop Tarts, I’d quit too.

Now Jessica wants it back, but she can’t have it back! Her old butt has gained a bunch of self-esteem by listening to nothing but Mary J. Blige and it’s not about to go crawling back to the cruel oppressor who forced it do power squats until it was so tight Papa Joe could bounce quarters off it. NO MORE DRAMA! If Jessica wants a new booty, she’s going to have to buy one. And according to the National Enquirer (via Radar) she’s already started skimming off the top of Eric Johnson’s allowance, because an insider claims Jessica is obsessed with Kim Kardashian’s exquisite silicone-stuffed ass and she’s ready to do anything to get it.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

The back-up dancer, who is a proud graduate of The Fuck Effort Academy, from Nicki Minaj’sAnaconda” video!

After what felt like months of Nicki Minaj sticking just the tip in by releasing stills and clips from her “Anaconda” video, she finally stuck it in balls deep at midnight. As expected, that mess is filled with ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS and more ASS. Just when you start to think your face has been hit with ASS for the last time, you get more ASS. It’s what a proctologist dreams about when they take a Viagra before going to bed. Shit’s got more airborne asses than a Bryan Singer pool party. The entire video looks like a Gilligan’s Island porn parody by Brazzers.

There’s plenty of shots of Nicki winking at modern science by jiggling the soil jelly she injected into her nalgas and that ASStravaganza ends with her giving Wheelchair Jimmy a lapdance as he thinks to himself, “Um, can we switch places, because my culo really wants to get to know your tongue.” There’s police tape around Amanda Bynes’ crotch this morning, because the sight of Nicki and Drake having dry butt sex made her vagina murder itself.

Nicki’s Jell-O Jigglers ass tried to get all the attention, but the breakout star of her “Anaconda” video is the back-up dancer who stole my heart by not giving a shit. While Nicki and the other dancers are doing the “You on a first date,” she’s doing the, “Errrr, nope, not today.”  After the cut is a GIF of my new favorite back-up dancer in action:

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Birthday Sluts

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Amy Adams (40)
Demi Lovato (22)
Alex Newell (22)
Andrew Garfield (31)
Ben Barnes (33)
Jamie Cullum (35)
Misha Collins (40)
Santino Rice (40)
Jonathan Ke Quan (43)
David Walliams (43)
Fred Durst (44)
Carole Radziwill (51)
James Marsters (52)
David O. Russell (56)
Joan Allen (58)
Al Roker (60)
Robert Plant (66)
Connie Chung (68)
Don King (83)

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