Archives: August 2014

JLo Says She’ll Get Married Again Because She Doesn’t “Whore Around”

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

It wasn’t that long ago that Jennifer Lopez, the come-to-life human version of a hand-puppet created by a Colorado elementary school student, called it quits with her Sid from Toy Story-looking boyfriend Casper Smart, so when she appeared on Chelsea Lately Thursday night, Chelsea Handler asked her what her game plan was for her dating future and whether or not she’d entertain the idea of getting married for a fourth time. Since her last relationship ended when her kept bitch boy toy seemed to forget who was responsible for slipping prepaid VISA cards into his wallet every night and started sneaking around with bikini models, you’d think the answer would be a big fat NO. But JLo says that when two roads diverge in the pussy woods, she’ll be taking the road less traveled by penises:

“I like being in a relationship. I’m not one to like, whore around, and stuff like that—that’s not my thing.”

I don’t really blame her; JLo has proven time and time again that she needs to start screening her tricks better. If Diddy, Ben Affleck, Cris Judd, Skeletor, and Casper Smart is the result of JLo being “selective”, then I would hate to see the kind of bottom-feeders she’d wrap her pussy lips around if she didn’t give a fuck.

But I do have a problem with her saying the words “whore around” like it’s a bad thing! Excuse you, bitch! You can’t throw shade at people who whore around if you’re guilty of Skeletor-ing around, which is a Class-4 felony when it comes to crimes against fuck parts. I think if you asked any pussy out there if they’d rather have 200 random dicks or 1 that looks like Hordak, I’m pretty sure they’d pick the 200 random dicks. I mean, I would. Hordak is scary! I don’t wanna hump a dick that looks like a skeleton bat!

50 Cent Challenges Floyd Mayweather To Read “Cat In The Hat” On Jimmy Kimmel Live!

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

There was a time when 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather Jr were best brofriends forever, but their bromance ended after a business deal between the two went bad two years ago. Since then, 50 Cent has made it one of his life goals to troll the shit out of Floyd and he continued to troll him hard on Instagram yesterday. While celeb whores keep challenging each other to that Ice Bucket Challenge, Ten Dimes challenged his ex-BFF to something else. A bunch of ice falling on Floyd isn’t a challenge at all, because he’s been hit in the skull so many times that he’s lost all feeling in his head and face. So 50 dared Floyd to complete a really challenging challenge. 50 dared Floyd to read.

Apparently, the noted lady beater has the reading skills of Kendull Jenner and this Christmas he’ll probably find a copy of Hooked on Phonics in his stocking. Floyd reads about as good as 50 Cent throws. On Instagram yesterday, 50 challenged Floyd to read one page from a Harry Potter book. If Floyd can do it without stopping and starting again, 50 promised to donate $750,000 to any charity of his choice. 50 later changed up the challenge when he realized that maybe Harry Potter is a little too advanced for Floyd. 50 is allowing Floyd to read “Cat In The Hat” and Jimmy Kimmel agreed to host the “ALS/ESL challenge” on his show. Oh, 50, that glorious piece of shit asshole.

After 50 Cent challenged Floyd to read, Power 105′s The Breakfast Club played a clip of Floyd struggling to read a handful of words. That’s some Jordan Catalano shit.

Floyd hasn’t publicly responded to 50 Cent yet, but there’s a rumor on Tumblr and Twitter that he tweeted (and deleted) this:

floydmayweather50cent

Floyd can’t read a book, but he can read a bitch.

Mimi Has Told Nick Cannon To STFU And Stop Talking About Their Impending Divorce

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

By now, we all know that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon aren’t living together because their love is deader than dead and that it’s really only a matter of time before Mimi releases a dozen glitter-dipped strawberry-scented pink butterflies in a miniature Hello Kitty hot air balloon from her boudoir window to signal that her marriage is officially over. But until she finishes teaching the smartest butterfly how to operate a hot air balloon, she’s told Nick to keep his goddamn mouth shut regarding the whole thing.

TMZ says that Mimi is pissed that Nick ran his mouth to The Insider about their marriage, so she had her lawyer get together with Nick’s lawyer and draw up a confidentiality agreement preventing him from talking. Yes, it’s that one-sided; Mariah is too busy being an elegant princess-cut pink sapphire to gossip to the press about her impending divorce. But everyone knows that fucking Kim Kardashian puts you at risk for catching a major case of second-hand stupid, so Mimi thought it was best that Nick be given a little legal reminder that spilling the details of their divorce to the press before Mimi says it’s okay is a major no-no and to stick a glitter-covered sock it in. The agreement states that Mariah will be the one to announce their split and that there are “severe financial penalties” if Nick says anything before that.

I see what that sneaky Mimi is doing here. By banning Nick from saying anything about the divorce, she has the upper hand and can keep her mouth shut too. That way, she can be all “Divorce? What divorce?” and keep half her shit. There’s no way Nick is getting his greedy little hands on half of her Lollipop Bling dollars!

The Queen Bee Of Manhattan Has Left NYC!!!!

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

How dreadful!

TMZ delivered some truly devastating news this morning that has rocked the playground social scene of NYC. The grand dame of the Manhattan prep school scene has been tragically forced to give up her throne and move all the way to California. The private school girls of Manhattan are so lost today and they don’t know what to do. Is this season about wearing red quilted Chanel ballet flats with their school uniform or are they supposed to wear navy patent leather Louis Vuitton Mary Jane kitten heels with their school uniform? How can they go on without their queen to guide them? And of course, this is all Katie Holmes’ fault.

According to TMZ, Katie has pulled Suri Cruise out of NYC and has moved them both to L.A. Expect Suri’s Burn Book to have a lot more “like, yeahs” in it, because Katie bought a 6,000 square foot house in Calabasas, CA for almost $4 million. Katie wanted to keep the whole thing on the hush (read: she didn’t want those crazy whores at Scientology to find out) so she made everyone involved in the purchase of the house sign a confidentiality agreement and they agreed to pay $1 million if they violated that shit. Katie moved her and Suri back to CA, because she wants to get better movie roles and thinks she needs to be near Hollywood to do so. Katie also thinks that Calabasas is a good place to raise Suri.

Sometimes when Katie “thinks,” bad things happen (see: signing up for Jack and Jill and moving Suri to Calabasas). I mean, Calabasas is the home turf of the Kartrashians! Do they even have an appointment-only Lanvin Kids boutique in L.A.? Someone should go ahead and file a child abuse claim with the county before things go too far and what I mean by that is before Suri is forced to go to Dash to shop for a dress for her school’s 3rd grade winter ball. Wait, do private schools in Calabasas even have 3rd grade winter balls? What have you done Katie? What you have done???

Well, it could’ve been worse. Suri could’ve been forced to live with Tommy Girl.

Speaking of, here’s TG and his brown Ellen DeGeneres hair ruling the set of Mission Impossible 5 in Vienna, Austria yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com

 

Scott Weiland Says The Scott Weiland Who Got Busted For Meth And Stealing Razors At Rite Aid Isn’t Him

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

“Uh huh, sure” – the look on that guy’s face behind him.

Yesterday, TMZ reported that Scott Weiland - the singer from the Stone Temple Pilots, Velvet Revolver, and former frequent visitor to the all-you-can-eat bad shit buffet – had been arrested four weeks ago and was currently sitting in an L.A. County jail cell. According to TMZ (via Gawker), it all started when Scott got busted by a security guard stealing razors at a Rite Aid in Beverly Hills. Scott made a break for it, but got about halfway down the block before police caught up to him, and when they went to search him, they found his pockets were stuffed with more than Mach3′s; Scott’s pockets were filled with THE METH.

Scott Weiland allegedly pulled the “I’m Scott Weiland from the Stone Temple Pilots” card, but it didn’t do any damn good because they still hauled his ass down to the station and set his bail at $95,000. Rookie mistake! If he’d only have said “I’m the owner of the giant lumpy acid green moose knuckle in the ‘Big Bang Baby’ video”, he probably would have been given $95,000, asked to sign a couple autographs (“To Officer Jenkins – keep up the good work XO Scott Weiland’s dick bulge”), and set free! But he didn’t, and so Scott Weiland was booked for meth possession and burglary and has been sitting in a jail cell for four weeks waiting for Slash or Duff McKagan to post his bail. »

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Marina Abramopug, the performance artist that not only the art world, but the world-at-large, NEEDS!

James Franco, Lady CaCa and Jay-Z’s homegirl Marina Abramovic is considered the most popular and biggest performance artist today and that’s never made sense to me, because the Porn Iguana is a much more prolific and emotional performance artist and the art world never gives her the credit she deserves! But anyway, in case you blocked it out, a few years ago, Marina Abramovic did that “The Artist Is Present” piece where she sat in a chair and stared deep into the eyes of the person sitting across from her. It was the Ice Bucket Challenge of its time, because practically everyone did it. HuffPo says that the grandmother of performance art is now in London doing a piece called “512 Hours” where she stands, stares, sits and does nothing for 65 days straight. Big deal, Marina. I’ve been doing nothing for decades! Where’s my grant from Kodak or wherever? While Marina does nothing at the Serpentine Gallery, her new protégée and future successor, Marina Abramopug is also bringing emotional art to the people of London at Hyde Park. File this under: This is what hipster’s consider “doggy playtime.

Marina Abramopug has rebooted Marina Abramovic’s “The Artist Is Present” and is sitting in a chair where she stares into the soul of the person sitting across from her FOR HOURS (or until she gets bored and starts licking her ass, which usually happens about 2 minutes after her shift begins). Marina Abramopug’s “personal assistant,” comedian and performance artist, Hannah Ballou, said that she’s performed The Artist (And The Dog Fart She Just Pooted Out) Is Present” twice already and there might be more to come:

“She’s open to performing the work again if invited by a suitably prestigious institution. She’s in discussions with rapper Snoop Dogg about a future collaboration, which we think will really shake up the art world.”

Those who have been lucky to sit across from Marina Abramopug have said that they experienced a real emotional breakthrough. They started to cry and their hands shook and mostly because they were resisting the urge to straighten that pug’s wig. Bitch’s wig is crooked!

marinaabramopug1

Pics: Twitter, Tumblr

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Birthday Sluts

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Valerie Harper (75)
James Corden (36)
Rodrigo Santoro (39)
Beenie Man (41)
Howie Dorough (41)
Kristen Wiig (41)
Richard Armitage (43)
Rick Yune (43)
Giada De Laurentiis (44)
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (47)
Ant (47)
Ty Burrell (47)
Andrew Wilson (50)
Tori Amos (51)
Debbi Peterson of The Bangles (53)
Diana Nyad (65)
Cindy Williams (67)
David Chase (69)
Honor Blackman (89)

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V. Stiviano Claims That Donald Sterling Is Gay And She Was Bearding For Him

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Because it’s been approximately 10 minutes since V. Stiviano has gotten any attention and her fame whore spot needed scratching, she filed papers today claiming that she never boned the racist hemorrhoid  known as Donald Sterling, because he loves dick and she was his beard. Donald Sterling’s wife Shelly Sterling is suing V. Stiviano, because she says her husband gave that trollop fancy gifts like cars and a house and he was not authorized to do so. The lawsuit has been going on for a while, but TMZ says that today V. Stiviano decided to add a dose of fuckery to it by giving all of us the image of Donald Sterling’s eyes twinkling with sheer happiness as he fills his mouth with man ass. My prostate just fell out of my ass and I better go run after it before it finds a way to open my front door.

Stiviano states … she was “not ever a sexual partner of Donald T. Sterling” and “believes that [Sterling] is a homosexual and enjoys sexual acts and or sexual congress with males.”

In the legal doc, filed in L.A. County Superior Court, Stiviano says Shelly was “acutely aware of [Donald's] sexual orientation and condoned same as well as acknowledged and approved [Donald's] gifts of money [to Stiviano].”

Stiviano also says the gifts she received were NOT community property — but rather Donald’s separate property.

V. Stiviano has thrown her own lawsuit at the Sterlings for slandering her pristine name by saying that she embezzled money from Donald. She wants at least $10 million.

I don’t know if V. Stiviano is a genius or a complete moron with cold farts for brains. I mean, Donald Sterling had a beard wife AND a beard side piece? A beard wife wasn’t good enough and he wanted to show the world that he’s a super hetero so he got a beard mistress too. That racist sack of burnt foreskins invented double down bearding. John Travolta is getting an ideas.

V. Stiviano is about as trustworthy as a Lohan, but maybe she’s not totally spitting out lies to get attention. He has been accused of doing this:

Donald Sterling would bring women into the locker room after games, while the players were showering, and make comments such as, ‘Look at those beautiful black bodies.’

NOOOOO! NOOO! We don’t want him! You straights take him. We’ll trade him for ANYONE. We’ll take Larry King, okay?

Night Crumbs

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

A rep for the NFL says that the only 2015 Super Bowl Half-Time Show act they’ve ruled out is Janet Jackson. Oh, the NFL, where flashing a harmless lady nipple is an unforgivable sin, but abusing dogs and women isn’t – Lainey Gossip 

A chick on the Vh1 reality shit show Dating Naked is suing for $10 million after her un-blurred chocha appeared on thousands of TV screens. In Vh1′s defense, Scott Baio has been on their network and they never blurred his vagina face – Defamer

Theresa “Gorilla Head” Giudice did the Ice Bucket Challenge and bitch should get used to it, because she’ll be taking a whole lot of cold showers in the clink – Reality Tea

Chelsea Handler doesn’t care about Chuy anymore – WWTDD

The NFL wants singers and musicians to pay for the Half-Time spot and I’ll gladly donate $10 for Charo to get the gig! – Celebitchy

Kirk Cameron delivers another visual Christian sleeping pill to the world – The Superficial

This is supposed to be Vanessa Hudgens on Flaunt MagazineDrunken Stepfather

Alaska Thunderfuck won the Ice Bucket Challenge – Towleroad

And some sucio fuck somewhere will fap to this and that sucio fuck’s name may or may not be Richard GereJezebel

The hell are Rita Ora and Chrissy Teigen doing? – Hollywood Tuna

Pierce Brosnan could’ve been Batman – Pajiba

Hilary Duff walks to her car in front of the paps for the 1,500th time this week and as she does so, she thinks to herself, “This walking to my car in front of the paps thing is real hard” – Popoholic

Vintage Henry Cavill - Boy Culture

In case you forgot, Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp were doing it, but they’re not anymore – ICYDK

A cum gutter buffet - The Berry

Pete Wentz named his son SAINT LAZSLO and somewhere Bronx Mowgli is saying to his new half-brother, “Feel my pain, kid, feel my pain” – Just Jared

Behold, the cinematic jewel that will pull Mischa Barton’s career out of the ashes - OMG Blog

Kristen Stewart did the Ice Bucket Challenge using her dirty bathwater. Yeah, more like the Piss Bucket Challenge, because you know she pees in the tub – Popsugar

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