Madonna’s 13th studio album isn’t expected to be released till like, Christmas or 2016 or some shit (whenever she takes a break from Instagramming sexy memaw selfies in the bathroom, really), but the details of one track have already been leaked, and I’m sure it was totally by accident and not carefully choreographed, because Madonna would never pull such a cheap stunt to drum up publicity for an upcoming album. Never!
According to the Daily Mail, the cunty diss-hissing Madonna of days past makes a return during a song called “Two Steps Behind Me” (aka where the assistant who was hired solely to administer her daily Botox injections is at all times) which is rumored to be about unauthorized Madonna impersonator Lady Gaga. And just like Lady Gaga, the a sampling of the lyrics shows that “Two Steps Behind Me” is destined to be a busted mess:
“You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty? You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that. But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look.”
“Did you study me hard enough? You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me. Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out? In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.”
“You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.”
Oh my god, I love bitchy Madonna as much as the next person, but this song sounds like it was written by Regina George coming out of a Kalteen Bar coma. NO! Regina George would be more creative than that! This is the song Kim Kardashian would write about the “haters” if she knew how to write. It’s so bad. But you know the video will be way worse, and I’m actually really excited about that. Madonna is about as subtle as a shit in a shoe, so the video will definitely have a low-budget Lady Gaga (“So a low-budget Madonna?” – You) spying on Madge with binoculars and tearing Vogue-era pictures of out of magazines and hanging them on her wall. It’s going to be a melodramatic middle school-looking disaster. I can’t wait!
Former New Kids On The Block hotel room arsonist and current guy who sells hamburgers on a reality show Donnie Wahlberg is getting married to the human equivalent to getting your period during a cross-country road trip Jenny McCarthy today in New York, an event which will surely bring out the who’s who of top-tier celebrities. However, TMZ says that one A-list brother will NOT be attending the wedding: MAHKY MAHK. Donnie, say hi to your mother for Mark; he won’t be there to do it himself. »
Picky Picky from the Ramona Quimby Books!
In Beverly Cleary’s Ramona books (Ramona The Pest, Ramona the Brave, Ramona and her Mother, etc), Picky Picky was the family cat. Picky Picky was old, dirty, bitchy and didn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything unless they had food. Sort of like Sally Struthers. Picky Picky died in Ramona Forever, probably because she was so sick of looking at Ramona’s dirty-ass bowl cut.
The Quimbys were so fucking poor, but they were like dumb poor. Remember when they forgot to plug the crock-pot in, so when they came home they had to eat peanut butter or some shit for supper? Why the hell didn’t they go to McDonald’s? I may have been seven when I read the damn book, but I knew that even Mr. and Mrs. Quimby could shell out $5 for a family size value meal. Plus it was the 80s – things were cheaper! Also, remember how Mr. Quimby went back to school to be an art teacher? Like that would up the income bracket (no offense to art teachers). The only smart one in the whole series was Willa Jean, because all she did was rip kleenex out of the box all day. Which is really just performance art when you think about it.
Cameron Diaz (42)
Andy Roddick (32)
Gabriel Aubry (39)
Lisa Ling (41)
Frederique Van Der Wal (47)
Michael Michele (48)
Michael Chiklis (51)
Paul Oakenfold (51)
David Paymer (60)
Timothy Bottoms (63)
Lewis Black (66)
Peggy Lipton (68)
Elizabeth Ashley (75)
Warren Buffet (84)
Pic: V Magazine
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were spotted holding hands in Canada, but it looks more like he’s pulling her aside to whisper: “Girl, you need to start doing a creep sweep before you exit the plane, ’cause that camel toe is out of control” – Lainey Gossip
Pimp Mama Kris just signed Shrek Montana as a “client”, which means a Wookiee/Ogre sex tape will be burning our eyes in no time – Reality Tea
Huge shocking surprise: “Mega pop superstar” Ariana Grande Latte is a difficult fetus-faced diva – Celebitchy
Alessandra Ambrosia Salad reminds us what she looks like when she’s not wearing a bikini – Hollywood Tuna
Ageless Smoky Mountain wildflower Dolly Parton did the ice bucket challenge and – DUH – it was adorable – Towleroad
Brit Brit had the kind of day that even a trenta white chocolate mocha Frappucinno couldn’t fix – WWTDD
Every time I see Rihanna in a bikini, it always looks like that Isis tattoo has volunteered to hold her tits up, like “Here, allow me” – The Superficial
I bet all the ice cubes in that bucket were like “Ew, you go first!” “No, you go first!” – Drunken Stepfather
Jackie from That 70s Show: still pregnant – Popoholic
These are either the first pics of Angelina Jolie since she got hitched or Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove on vacation (they’re blurry and it’s hard to tell) – Popsugar
#26 automatically wins, because PUPPEH!!! – The Berry
Kendull Jenner (sorry…Kendull) klaims she was bowing her head – not checking her phone – during the moment of silence for Ferguson during the VMAs. This just in: Kendull Jenner is as good at lying as she is at reading – ICYDK
Vanessa Hudgens did a good – Just Jared
Lena Dunham looks like one of the Golden Girls waking up from a post-cheesecake nap on the lanai (well, not Blanche – Blanche would never wake up looking anything less than a freshly bloomed magnolia blossom) – SOW
The dancers from Cirque du Soleil’s Michael Jackson: One made a music video for the single “A Place With No Name“, and it’s the definition of a beautiful low-budget desert circus raver stripper ANTM mess (aka PERFECTION) – Boy Culture
“Totes awky mo mo” sounds like something Miley Cyrus would name one of her dogs – Pajiba
Jesus take the wheel. Take the everything! This is definitely one of those ‘One set of footprints on the beach’ moments where Jesus needs to pick his ass up and start searching his pockets for PCP, because Snoop Dogg has clearly cut his good shit with the kind of bad shit that makes terrifying nightmares come to life.
Apropos of nothing, Snoop posted a bunch of pictures to Instagram of himself dressed up as his white alter-ego Snoop Todd. Snoop didn’t explain why he was dressed up like Walter White fucked a bag of flour and a Diane Sawyer wig, and quite frankly, the less I know, the better. Snoop Todd looks like the type of guy who is required by law to introduce himself to everyone on the street when he moves into a new neighborhood. Snoop Todd looks like a sex offender with scurvy. Snoop Todd would also sort of look like my high school librarian if you shaved off the facial hair (save for a couple under the chin) and dangled a delicate gold cross from Costco out of the top of that turtleneck.
I don’t know if people will react to Snoop Dogg in whiteface like they reacted to Nick Cannon in whiteface, but can whatever Snoop is doing really be considered whiteface? It’s more like Elmer’s wood filler face. Or expired foundation from Dollar Tree face. Regardless of what it is, Jackie Rogers Jr. isn’t here for Snoop trying to jack his look:
Here’s more of
Snoop Dogg Snoop Lion Snoop Todd serving up FACE! WIG! NIGHTMARES!, because clearly there’s not enough disturbing shit on the Internet.
Who would have though that a video of a chihuahua blissing the fuck out while napping under a tiny Korean newspaper as a set of rotating rubber testicles gently massage away his little leg-humping worries would be the most relaxing thing I’d see all week? This video is more relaxing than taking a Calgon bath with Bob Ross while a basket of kittens dump a bucket of cotton balls over your head. Part of me wishes I could wake up every morning to the image of this little butterscotch nugget resting comfortably on two sets of battery-operated Truck Nutz (really, what even is that massager), but I’m afraid it might make me too calm. I don’t want to start writing shit like “Blessed be, it’s ethereal goddess Kim Kardashian exuding gentle energy and soulful light while posing with her tits out in an Instagram selfie.” And trust, nobody wants that less that me.
The only thing that could make this video any more perfect than it already is would be to set it to some Enya and loop it so that it played for at least 60 minutes. That way, I could bring it with me the next time I go to the dentist and really namaste away all my stress. Or just let me bring that dog with me when I go? Hit me up, hypnotic chihuahua!
Ugh, surfbort. Beyoncé shot some pics and co-wrote a poem about her favorite subject (herself) for CR Fashion Book. Beyhivers, please copy down this latest missive from on high onto your sacred scrolls with your gold-tipped feather pens. This the word of your Lord (when Oprah’s off that day), thanks Bey to God.
In “Bey The Light” (words by Beyonce, “remixed” by poet Forrest Gander – whatever the eff that means), Beyonce spills intimate details about her life with the not-fake husband (?) and the baby. Did you know she has to channel Sasha Fierce when she gets on that hump?
I learned at a very young age,
when I need to tap some extra strength,
to put my persona, Sasha, on stage.
Though we’re different as blue and red,
I’m not afraid to draw from her
in performance, rifts, and even in bed
There’s a lot more were that came from, but what’s really interesting is the confirmation that Kanye West definitely hates her. Because his down-low dude Riccardo Tisci styled this shoot. Which means not only did he cover her face up in one pic (how Bey allowed someone to cover up her extra-worldly glory for even a minute we’ll never know), but he had her wear stretch pants and wrestle with a giant, exploded Mickey Mouse doll (?) in another. What the hell? I understand the concept of not ready-to-wear but you’d look really silly trying to enter establishments in that. You’d get stuck and they’d have to call the fire department.
That sound you hear is Tisci and Kanye tee-hee-heeing over her dumb ass. You know Riccardo got an extra tug or two for a job well done.
Check out more pics of Beyoncé’s photoshoot for CR Fashion Book below.
Amateur hillbilly stripper chipmunk Miley Cyrus is on the cover of V Magazine’s “Rebel Issue”, which sort of makes sense, since she’s damn near re-wrote every chapter in the book of Former Disney Ho Rebellion. Slutty shower pics? Check. Smoking drugs? Check. Humping everything that moves? Check. More drugs? Oh, you betcha. The issue doesn’t come out until September 10th, but V Magazine decided to tease the cover a little early, because who wouldn’t want to see Miley laying on a pile of stuffed animals dressed like Beast Man’s skanky glue-sniffing half-sister?
But who’s responsible for this busted bowling alley claw game mess? Why that would be kunty tastemaker Karl Lagerfeld. Karl shot Miley and her Muppet fur-covered pork rinds for the cover, and it’s actually not the worst. Sure, it kind of looks like she’s posing for a sleazy ad that would run in the back pages of Sesame Street’s weekly free newspaper and, sure, that shark is giving “Help Me” eyes, but at least he managed to keep her clothes on, right?
Oh, for fucks sakes! As usual, I spoke too soon. It appears that Karl Lagerfeld also took a picture of Miley reaching for a slice of poontang pie with her backwoods pudding balloons out, because of course he did! It probably wasn’t even his choice! I bet Karl was all ready to pack up his shit when a naked-ass Miley lept in front of the door like a freon-huffing gazelle and hollered “Where do you think you’re going, Gay Dracula? We ain’t even done no nudes yet!”. Meanwhile, cut to that pile of stuffed animals all silently wishing for the incinerator from Toy Story 3.
Do yourself a favor and get into these clips from Lifetime’s Brittany Murphy biopic. This shit is so low-budget that I think it might be a prank. I was waiting for Jimmy Kimmel, no scratch that – Seth Meyers to walk out. This is Lifetime’s attempt to grab ahold of that Sharknado-type viral success, right? No one can act, that girl looks not a thing like the much-missed Murphy, and holy shite, THAT WIG ON “ALICIA SILVERSTONE.” Did someone from The Craft cast a curse on that girl? What in hell does she have going on under there that required that on her head? I think it’s still attached to whatever animal died for it. And that animal has peed many times and it’s dried. They couldn’t afford an actual blonde? Did they spent too much (a Tan-O-Rama Groupon)) hiring the girl in the Mayam Bialik chapeau? Maybe they put the money aside in case Brittany’s trashbag dad actually sues and (jn a surreal moment) wins? »