Archives: August 2014

Charlize Theron Feels Young People Are Unwise, Is Dating Sean Penn

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Charlize Theron’s stock continues to plummet. She was such a hot piece! I don’t mean her looks. I mean she had a past, she beat up Teri Hatcher, she had Meryl Streep taking several seats after what she pulled off in Monster, and, well, Young Adult. She even threw shade at a Sister, Sister and that’s just funny. But Sean Penn. And then she compared gossip about her to rape. And now this interview…

And then for some reason our society just wants to go…it’s like a dead flower. [She pulls a flower from a vase.] It’s like we wilt for some reason. 

Yeah, it’s that bad. She used props.


John Stamos Is One Step Closer To Making A “Full House” Revival Happen

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

When I heard the news that sexy yogurt hustler John Stamos was trying to bring back Full House, a show that’s been dead for nearly 20 years, I made the exact same face as Kimmy Gibbler above: a combination of shock, disgust, and confusion, with just a hint of “Da fuq??”. But it sounds like Uncle Jesse can stop trying to make it happen, because it’s probably definitely going to happen. Again, Kimmy Gibbler says what we’re all thinking. Kimmy Gibbler is us.

According to TV Guide, Warner Bros. TV has shown serious interest in bringing Full House back. Original producer Bob Boyette (hands up if you just said “Full House is a Miller-Boyette production” in Uncle Joey’s voice) has signed on, and creator Jeff Franklin has already started writing. Candace Cameron Bure, Jodie Sweetin, and Andrea Barber (YAAAASSSSSS!!!) are all on board for the reboot, while Bob Saget and Dave Coulier have agreed to be involved in some capacity (writing, acting, directing, voicing annoying woodchuck puppets).

It sounds like everyone and the attic are ready to come back and take a messy dump all over the Full House legacy, except for you-know-who. Obviously the Too-Good-For-This-Shit Twins, Mary Kate and Ashley, are far too busy being fancy troll pants fashion designers and vanguards of Urban Blair Witch style to grace our televisions with their presence. Well, guess what? We don’t need you either! All John Stamos needs is an eBay account connected to a valid credit card, and he can replace them with two vintage Talking Michelle dolls. Sure, they’re a poor substitute for the real thing, but the real thing would scare the shit out of children. You’re trying to make Full House, not American Horror Story: Full House.

There’s also no word on whether or not they’ll be bringing back such beloved Full House B-characters like Vicky Larson, Nicky and Alex, that hot bitch Kathy Santoni, or that scene-stealing hotter bitch Comet, but chances are pretty good that they won’t have any scheduling conflicts. One thing is for sure: they better not bring back that asshole Yankee Doodle Derek! Ugh, I’m getting ragey just thinking about his smug face and that shit-eating grin!

Natasha Lyonne And Fred Armisen Are Doing It

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Us Weekly, reformed life mess Natasha Lyonne and Elisabeth Moss’ ex-piece Fred Armisen have started finger-banging in the communal shower (for the OITNB fans) and/or putting a bird on it (for all 10 of the Portlandia fans). For fans of neither, what I’m trying to say is that these two are together, hump-wise.

An eyewitness says they saw Nicky and Fericito being “very flirty and talking very closely” aka they were (don’t say it Allison) canoodling (damn you) at the Variety/Women in Film Emmy nominee celebration on Saturday.  Then on Monday, the two attended the Emmys together and a bunch of after-parties, and another source claims they were linking arms and chuckling. Linking arms and giggling? Oh my god, GET A ROOM.

When Fred Armisen first hooked up with Peggy Olson 1,408 years ago, it was like random had a baby with questionable, but Fred and Natasha make a lot more sense to me. Sure, there’s still an age difference (47 for him, 35 for her) but it’s redundant, because Natasha has the voice of a 58-year-old longshoreman. And sure, Natasha has always given me some gayelle vibes. But they’re both secret weirdos. You know the kind, where they seem like they’re normal on the outside, and then you go to their house and discover they’re into DIY taxidermy or collecting pictures of strangers or they don’t have a toilet? What do you mean that’s never happened to you? You’re clearly not finding the right people on Tinder.

Chelsea Handler Got All Her Famous Friends To Say Goodbye To Her Show Last Night

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night was the finale episode of Chelsea Lately, thus ending Chelsea Handler’s 7 year run as E!’s drunk aunt. And to celebrate being free from no longer having to walk the halls at E! and smell the stink of Lucifer’s ball sweat wafting off the Kardashians (or 7 seasons, whatever) she called up all the famous hos in her life and told them to put on something clean-ish and get their asses down to her studio to sing her ass off the stage. And they all showed up, probably because Chelsea’s dog Chuck commanded them to do so with his adorable face. Look at Chuck Handler! I’d rob a liquor store for that dog if he asked me to! No, you’re right, I wouldn’t; but I’d definitely consider it. »

Tyler Perry Is Arthouse

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Tyler Perry stars as attorney Tanner Bolt in the film adaption of that goddamn ever-present Gone Girl book. Madea told Yahoo Movies that she had no idea who director David Fincher was, had never heard of the book, and wouldn’t have done the movie if she’d known how popular the two were. She’s so indie.

“I probably would have walked away from it. If I had known who David Fincher was, and his body of work, or if I’d known the book was so popular, I would have said, No,” he admits. “And my agent knew that! He didn’t tell me until after I signed on!”

I had no idea Tyler lived in a hermetically sealed arthouse cinema which only plays the films of Cassavetes, Bergman, Truffaut, Goddard, and Fellini (I have access to Wikipedia). When did this bitch get so bougie? HES FUCKIKNG MADEA. There are eight Madea films which don’t exactly play at the Brattle in Harvard Square. He didn’t know who David Fincher (Se7en, The Social Network, The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons, Panic Room, need I go on?) was? This bitch inexplicably popped up in the middle of the Star Trek remake and didn’t know who David Fincher was? Those fake tits under that housedress are full of LIES.

I’ll give him Gone Girl cuz’ not everyone’s a reader and I’m guessing he doesn’t take the subway.

Check out the latest trailer for Gone Girl and a couple of pics of Madea stooping to appear in utterly commercial and soulless cinema below. Hallelujer!


Okay, The Beyhive Can Stop Threatening To Murder The Difficult Brown’s Piece

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

All together now: The HELL kind of GD rejected Fly Girl outfit is that bitch wearing? Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

On Sunday night, the second, third, fourth and final coming of Jesus, Blue Ivy Carter, blessed the VMAs with her holy presence and the halo in the form of a natural afro over her head. Some bitches on Twitter dragged BIC for having natural hair and those people probably woke up with a head full of no hair, because God scalped them all in the night for hating on their successor. One of those bitches was Chris Brown’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again trick Karrueche Tran (pronounced: Bitch You Fucking Dumb For Being With Chris Brown).


Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Stage 99 from Models, Inc!

What David Chase, Carlton Cuse, Damon Lindelof, Vince Gilligan,
Matthew Weiner and Shonda Rhimes don’t want to admit is that their #1 source of inspiration for their respective works was Models, Inc! Models, Inc ran from 1994-1995 and was a powerful and provocative look at the “ugly” behind the beauty industry, featuring multi-layered, flawed characters that did the wrong things for the right reasons. Just kidding! It was a piece of shit show that was epically hot featuring a bunch of models who fucked, drank and got stalked and were supposed to be internationally famous but mostly did Montgomery Ward catalog work.

Screen Shot 2014-08-22 at 1.12.24 PM-2

Stage 99 was the VERY EXCLUSIVE nightclub where all the models hung out. It was owned by Adam Louder, played by 1994 sensation James Wilder, who was dating Monique Duran (played by Pinnochio’s sister, Stephanie Romanov). They were boring as hell, but Adam’s ex-wife Grayson was epically hot and played by Emma Samms. Bitch wore hot outfits like this (see attached), tried to kill people, tried to rape Adam and ran Models, Inc as a escort service. Also she had hot lines like this (start at 34:35):

Anyway, the club was a piece of shit but Models, Inc will live forever as the greatest show in American history!


Birthday Sluts

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Aaron Paul (35)
Blake Jenner (22)
Alexa Vega (26)
Mario (28)
Mase (37)
Sarah Chalke (38)
Jonny Moseley (39)
Cesar Milan (45)
Chandra Wilson (45)
Bobo of Cypress Hill (46)
Yolanda Adams (53)
Tom Ford (53)
Downtown Julie Brown (55)
Diana Scarwid (59)
Peter Stormare (61)
Paul Reubens (62)
Barbara Bach (67)
Tuesday Weld (71)
Daryl Dragon (The Captain from Captain & Tennille) (72)


Night Crumbs

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Everything about Katherine Heigl’s look at the Emmys screamed GIT (granny in training), from the silk Sears peignoir gown to the just-woke-up-from-a-post-cheesecake-nap hair to the 12lbs of HSN showstopper jewelery. Even the look on her face says “Oh fiddlesticks, I think I forgot to pack a crossword in my clutch”Lainey Gossip

I see Kristin Chevy Cavalier has hired Heidi Montag as her stylist - Hollywood Tuna

Let me guess: the booth comes down with a case of crabs? – OMG Blog

I think this is the first time the words “soaking wet Superman” are being used to describe a video that isn’t gay porn – Towleroad

You know Levi Johnson probably auditioned for this shit – Reality Tea

Today’s definition of cheap and tacky is… – Jezebel

Kelly Osbourne serving up some pastel rockabilly Stepford Wife lace curtain realness, if that’s even a thing – Celebitchy

The hot homeless dude Miley Cyrus brought to the VMAs technically wasn’t ever really homeless – The Superficial

Lindsay Lohan looks like a boozed-up pink poodle on the cover of Wonderland, but that’s not saying much, since she usually looks like a boozed-up poodle – Drunken Stepfather

Hayden Panettierrrrereree is knocked-up with a baby girl – WWTDD

Even Grumpy Cat is over the ice bucket challenge – SOW

Somebody give this toddler some damn attention already! She’s starving!! – Popoholic

#4 asks the important Tinder questions – The Berry

This vintage pic of Tim Matheson is all kinds of Wild Wild West hot, but if that doesn’t do it for you, I guess you could squint a little and try to trick your brain into thinking it’s Paul Rudd?- Boy Culture

But the real question here is: can acupuncture effect your ability to pronounce things properly? – ICYDK

I didn’t know Max Bialystock was hired as a producer for Sons of Anarchy? – Just Jared

2 Broke Girls continues their long and storied tradition of digging through the trash to find guest “stars” – HuffPo

Aaron Paul’s acceptance speech shout-out to the Kind Campaign crashed their website. Better call Saul! He can fix anything – Pajiba

Perfection, thy name is Cicely Tyson throwing subtle shade to Jessica Lange at the Emmys  – Popsugar

Pic: Splash


Paula Patton Reappeared Last Night Wearing The Slut Dress’ Spinster Aunt

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Paula Patton popped up in public last night at an Emmys party wearing a demure version of the famed forever Slut Dress. Yes, this is basically the Slut Dress’ aunt. She’s the one who travels everywhere with the Slut Dress’ grandmother and has crotched (ooo, I get to type “typo and it stays!”) covers for her Iris Murdoch and Maeve Binchy novels.

If it’s possible, the Amazonian Paula led with her ass last night. I’m not gonna shade her because I saw how she beat the shit out of that little French girl in Mission Impossible 16 or whatever. Chick’s a brute.

According to the NY Daily News, Patton hasn’t been seen since the Vanity Fair Oscars party back in March, which was only days after the announcement that she had left her human roofie of a husband, Robin Thicke. She’s stayed undercover since then, probably burning all of her old clothes. Cuz’ you know whenever Thicke had a trick over she was trying on Paula’s dresses à la crazed Kate Mara hatin’ Robin Wright in House of Cards.

Check out pics of Paula Patton keeping it classy AND assy last night at Craig’s Restaurant in the gallery below.

Pics: Splash

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