Archives: August 2014

Night Crumbs

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Everything about Katherine Heigl’s look at the Emmys screamed GIT (granny in training), from the silk Sears peignoir gown to the just-woke-up-from-a-post-cheesecake-nap hair to the 12lbs of HSN showstopper jewelery. Even the look on her face says “Oh fiddlesticks, I think I forgot to pack a crossword in my clutch”Lainey Gossip

I see Kristin Chevy Cavalier has hired Heidi Montag as her stylist - Hollywood Tuna

Let me guess: the booth comes down with a case of crabs? – OMG Blog

I think this is the first time the words “soaking wet Superman” are being used to describe a video that isn’t gay porn – Towleroad

You know Levi Johnson probably auditioned for this shit – Reality Tea

Today’s definition of cheap and tacky is… – Jezebel

Kelly Osbourne serving up some pastel rockabilly Stepford Wife lace curtain realness, if that’s even a thing – Celebitchy

The hot homeless dude Miley Cyrus brought to the VMAs technically wasn’t ever really homeless – The Superficial

Lindsay Lohan looks like a boozed-up pink poodle on the cover of Wonderland, but that’s not saying much, since she usually looks like a boozed-up poodle – Drunken Stepfather

Hayden Panettierrrrereree is knocked-up with a baby girl – WWTDD

Even Grumpy Cat is over the ice bucket challenge – SOW

Somebody give this toddler some damn attention already! She’s starving!! – Popoholic

#4 asks the important Tinder questions – The Berry

This vintage pic of Tim Matheson is all kinds of Wild Wild West hot, but if that doesn’t do it for you, I guess you could squint a little and try to trick your brain into thinking it’s Paul Rudd?- Boy Culture

But the real question here is: can acupuncture effect your ability to pronounce things properly? – ICYDK

I didn’t know Max Bialystock was hired as a producer for Sons of Anarchy? – Just Jared

2 Broke Girls continues their long and storied tradition of digging through the trash to find guest “stars” – HuffPo

Aaron Paul’s acceptance speech shout-out to the Kind Campaign crashed their website. Better call Saul! He can fix anything – Pajiba

Perfection, thy name is Cicely Tyson throwing subtle shade to Jessica Lange at the Emmys  – Popsugar

Pic: Splash


Paula Patton Reappeared Last Night Wearing The Slut Dress’ Spinster Aunt

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Paula Patton popped up in public last night at an Emmys party wearing a demure version of the famed forever Slut Dress. Yes, this is basically the Slut Dress’ aunt. She’s the one who travels everywhere with the Slut Dress’ grandmother and has crotched (ooo, I get to type “typo and it stays!”) covers for her Iris Murdoch and Maeve Binchy novels.

If it’s possible, the Amazonian Paula led with her ass last night. I’m not gonna shade her because I saw how she beat the shit out of that little French girl in Mission Impossible 16 or whatever. Chick’s a brute.

According to the NY Daily News, Patton hasn’t been seen since the Vanity Fair Oscars party back in March, which was only days after the announcement that she had left her human roofie of a husband, Robin Thicke. She’s stayed undercover since then, probably burning all of her old clothes. Cuz’ you know whenever Thicke had a trick over she was trying on Paula’s dresses à la crazed Kate Mara hatin’ Robin Wright in House of Cards.

Check out pics of Paula Patton keeping it classy AND assy last night at Craig’s Restaurant in the gallery below.

Pics: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By A Property Brother’s Harlequin Bulge

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

If you asked me which HGTV star I’d want to see in their panties, my first choice would be Scott McGillivray, then Jamie Durie and lastly Suzanne Whang (because one should never forget the first and best voice queen of House Hunters!). Neither of those Property Brothers would be on my list, but I’ll still take it.

Because the Emmys red carpet is crowded and a trick has to pull some stunts to get the photographers to take their cameras off of Christina Hendricks’ magnificent chichis and put it on them, Jonathan Silver Scott, one of the human boxes of Feria for Men known as the Property Brothers, pulled up his kilt and served up some Magic To Do bulge while posing with his brothers Drew and J.D. Scott last night. What’s missing from this picture is the other brother Drew looking at that bulge while saying, “I know, I know, it needs work, but it TOTALLY has potential.

The Property Brothers have always reminded me of this ceramic Jesus statue that my abuelita bought at the border in Tijuana for $3 at most. For some reason, her Jesus statue had short hair and as time went on, it had chips and nicks all over its body and face. So every time I watch the Property Brothers, I think of that Tijuana-made, bootleg, short-haired ceramic Jesus statue in my abuelita’s room. But you know, I still would. Don’t tell my abuelita.

Pics:, Splash, Getty


Irritating Shithead Justin Bieber Won’t Be Charged For Being “Held Back” By His Security Again

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber (seen above trying for “sexy” and ending up with “shart”) has been feeling very liberated after shaving his poopstache so he allegedly tried to grab a cellphone off a guy at Dave & Buster’s in Hollywood last night.

TMZ reports that Asshole and his on-again/off-again girlfriend Chipmunkra (Selena Gomez) were hanging at the chain restaurant/arcade when another patron reportedly started clicking away at them on his phone. Justin refused to be snapped losing to his piece at the giant Connect Four game so he went for the dude’s phone. His security held him back, someone called the authorities, and his ass left before they got there. I hope someone mopped his prize tickets and used them to buy some gum Serves him right. (I never win enough tickets at that bullshit so I always end up getting gum or a plastic bird you can whistle through after adding water.)


“True Detective” Director Cary Joji Fukunaga Has Moistened The Internet

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

The recipient of the “Breakout Sexy Piece Of This Year’s Emmy Awards Award” is voted for by the Internet and this year it goes to the guy who helmed all of HBO’s occult-y cop show True Detective. His name is Cary Joji Fukunaga and he also won a Best Director Emmy last night! Congrats, Cary. You and your French braid had Twitter fanning its collective nethers all of last night. See, it’s ok to objectify a bitch as long as his ass isn’t spinning around on a platform and dating werewolves for publicity.


What In Project Runway Secret Bedazzled Bike Shorts Hell?

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

On second thought, Kerry Washington’s Emmy dress isn’t exactly Project Runway-levels of WTF (there’s not nearly enough peplums or random-ass fabric “flowers”). It’s actually closer in range to something Tina Knowles would have thrown together last-minute for Michelle Williams, if Tina Knowles ran out of satin, denim, neon lace, redundant belt buckles, fringe, and only had a bolt of busted Tang-colored jersey, some leftover ribbon scraps, and a pair of Beyoncé’s old sequined hot pants. Even Kerry Washington knows she looks not-great. Her face is like: “HAAAAAY! I’m a mess, but everyone loves me, so haters to the left!”

It’s a scientific fact that Kerry Washington can’t ever look bad, so technically this look falls into the category of ‘Not exactly a home-run’. But sometimes you just say fuck it, I’m wearing black-tie bike shorts and a dress with weird seams that make it look like I’m a reflection in a Fun House mirror, and applying some dusty blue garage doors to my eyelids and if I have time, I’ll finger-comb some Batiste dry shampoo through my hair in the limo, because YOLO. Or LIGAF. Or whatever the acronym for “fuck effort, I’m only here for the booze” is.

But my say something nice is that she kind of looks like what the lazy sluts do on Halloween when they forgot to get a costume and all they have to work with is an orange dress from Bebe, so they just go out to the club as “Sexy..uh…Halloween Girl?“, which is literally my favorite thing ever.

Here’s more of Kerry, as well as all the other fancy-dressed hos from the Emmys in no particular order. Just kidding! I put the hottest first! Jon Hamm (the whole gallery should be pictures of Jon Hamm from various angles, but I don’t wanna be a creep)(too late)! Christina “Chichi Queen” Hendricks! Peter Dinklage! Donna from That 70s Show!

Pics: Splash,

I Feel Itchy

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Before I get into Sarah Paulson’s dress, I need to tell the story about the time I had bedbugs. Two years ago, the apartment building I was living in had an outbreak of Satan’s dingleberries (aka bedbugs) and I was one of the lucky ones who got them. I only had 4 or 5 bedbugs move in with me, but they were not as cute as that “Goodnight, sleep tight” rhyme makes them out to be. Even though an exterminator came in and murdered those little fuckers, I was still super paranoid that they’d come back. Every night I thought I could still feel them crawling on me, so I started wearing socks and mittens and a balaclava to bed to make sure they didn’t crawl on me, but I was still too paranoid to sleep.

Eventually I got into sleeping pills, but my dumb ass didn’t do any research and I ended up using some shit with a low-dose of heroin, which meant I was even more paranoid. It got to the point where I had convinced myself the bedbugs were living under my skin (yes, I went full-Lohan) and was forced to go to a friend’s place in the country to dry out. And she searched my bag when I got there, too! Bitch was acting like she was running a low-budget Betty Ford. Anyways, I got over my phobia of bedbugs and only have the odd nightmare now.

But once I saw Sarah Paulson’s Emmy dress, it was like American Horror Story: BEDBUGS and all my fears came crawling back. Those little red dots remind me of bug bites and bugs and that black mesh looks like it feels like bugs crawling on skin. I literally just deep-scratched my arm. Part of me wants to take a cold shower, and the other part of me wants to high-tail it to Rite Aid to see if I can’t find some over-the-counter bad shit. Not cool Sarah! Your dress should come with a trigger warning!


Billy Crystal Paid Tribute To Robin Williams At The Emmys Last Night

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

This year was a tough year for the “In Memoriam” segment of the Emmys; it was like an all-you-can-weep sadness buffet. Some of television’s best flew up to TV heaven this year: Alice from The Brady Bunch. Don Pardo. Meshach Taylor!!! But of course, the most time was dedicated to Robin Williams, and he was given a really sweet eulogy by Billy Crystal, followed by a couple of clips from various appearances on TV. Billy also told a story about the time he, Whoopi, and Robin were at Shea stadium for Comic Relief day and he asked Robin – who knew nothing about baseball – what his favorite baseball team was, and he answered “The San Franciscos”. Everybody in the audience laughed like “LOL classic Robin“, but I’m with Robin Williams – is The San Franciscos the wrong answer? The San Franciscos sounds right to me.

But the cutest tribute of the night goes to Jimmy Kimmel, who wore rainbow suspenders under his tuxedo in honor of Mork from Ork. Oh god, did it just get dusty with onions in here or something?? Pass me the Kleenex, my eyes are watering.

Putting Sofia Vergara On A Spinning Pedestal Wasn’t Sexist, Says Sofia Vergara

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

If you successfully made it into the second hour of the Emmys last night without falling into a sleep coma or throwing on the Food network to watch something more interesting, like a rerun of Chopped, then you saw Sofia Vergara assist the Television Arts and Sciences President Bruce Rosenblum as he gave a speech on their commitment to diversity in television by serving up FACE! BOOBS! ASS! on a rotating platform and spinning like a car at an auto show. The speech ended with a joke about “always giving the viewers something compelling to look at” as Sofia worked the kind of pageant smile that says “This shit better win me Outstanding Supporting Actress next year.” In general, it felt like the sort of thing my friend’s horny grandpa who always says “Ha-cha-cha!” would have loved, or the type of guys who ask “Do you come with the car?” at car shows. It was dated as hell, but everyone sort of shrugged their shoulders and moved on. »


Sarah Silverman Was Probably (Read: Definitely) High As Hell At The Emmys

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

For those of you looking at the toes poking out of the bottom of Sarah Silverman’s dress and wondering “Did that crazy bitch go barefoot?”, the answer is yes, that crazy bitch went barefoot. Okay sure, she might not actually be barefoot; she could be wearing a pair of JJ Casuals. But since it’s human cloud of weed smoke Sarah Silverman we’re talking about, it’s probably safest to assume she’s barefoot.

As always, the Emmys were a snore-filled snooze fest last night, but luckily there was a brightly shining stoned star who guided us safely through that never-ending mess. The second Sarah Silverman arrived, I knew everything was going to be alright. First she sashayed onto the red carpet looking like a sedated avocado with her tits out, which is always the look. Then she got freaked out by a talking blonde grasshopper (Giuliana Rancic) and forgot how a microphone works. Then she started fighting with the grasshopper while trying to fix her tits, at which point, Giuliana Rancic opened her gold clutch to explain what she brought with her to the Emmys (good idea, distract the stoner with something shiny) and inside it was a vape full of liquid pot. Sorry, did I say full? I mean about 1/3 full, since she clearly inhaled most of it on the way to the Emmys.

Thankfully, that wasn’t the last we saw of a high-as-hell Sarah Silverman. She came back a little while later when she won the award for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special, which she accepted by running to the stage barefoot, leaping up the stairs like Stoned Jesus, rambling about space and molecules, and thanking her boyfriend “Mr. Fancy Pants Sheen” (Michael Sheen). Afterwards in the press room, some adorable innocent naive cherub asked Sarah if had smoked weed before the show (aw, stay sweet, you). She answered that she likes to “have a puff as a treat, at appropriate times” (which I guess is the “Bitch I might be” for more formal occasions), but really, did she even need to answer? Bitch was barefoot! That’s all the answer you need.


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