Archives: August 2014

Adrienne Bailon Defends Talking Shit About Rob Kardashian And Takes A Nasty Swipe At Kim Kardashian While Doing So

August 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Earlier this week, Latina magazine released an interview they did with Rob Kardashian’s ex-girlfriend Adrienne Bailon (seen here looking like a factory second from Pimp Mama Kris’s Diskount Kim Warehouse) in which she referred to being associated with the Kardashians as “hurtful” to her career. Because she has nothing better to do, Kim Kardashian responded to Adrienne’s remarks by coming for her on Twitter. Instead of tweeting back “Calm down hooker, go take care of your kid” and calling it a day, Adrienne wrote a long-ass message and posted it to Instagram in an attempt to clarify her comments about Rob, but also to hiss hot fire back in Kim’s flammable face:

“Fame and a Career are two different things. I’ve always had a career. I have been working hard since I was 15 years old. Being someone’s “girlfriend” was never what I wanted to be famous for.

What makes you “famous” isn’t always what you want to be “labeled” as, or known for. If anyone should understand that…It should be you.

I also stated in the article that none of this would have stopped me from being in love and being in that relationship. I just would have gone about it differently. You can love someone just as much in private. We all learn from our first loves.”

Ooooh, that second line! Insert latriceroyaleshade.gif here. At first I didn’t think much of Adrienne, having fucked The Sock One and all, but now I want to send her a muffin basket filled with all blueberry crumbles (no raisin brans for that subtle shade-throwing bitch!). The library is open Kim, and your narcoleptic porn star ass just got READ. Ironically, that’s probably the first time Kim has ever been in a library.

And as much as I love Adrienne, and I really do, bitch has GOT TO STOP talking about the Kardashians! If I were in her position, I would go to my grave denying that I ever dated one of Kris Jenner’s krotch goblins.

Speaking of, here’s the Silly Putty-faced pimp herself along with her two best hookers leaving for Ibiza yesterday. Kris must have figured that if LiLo was there, it must be crawling with wealthy johns, so she packed up her highest-earning bitches. Click clack!

Pics: InstagramSplash

Open Post: Hosted By Selena Gomez’s Nalgas

August 1, 2014 / Posted by:

“Oh, look, I just found my new Twitter profile pic!” said Orlando Bloom.

As her soiled diaper lint of an ex-boyfriend Justin Bieber scraps with and throws Instagram taunts at the delicate elf Orlando Bloom, Selena Gomez proves that she’s above all that trash by going to a business meeting in L.A. in coochie-cutting denim panties. If you’re looking at Selena’s chipmunk ass cheeks and are thinking to yourself, “The hell kind of GD business meeting outfit is that?”, you need to immediately update your definition of “business meeting outfit.” I don’t go to that many business meetings, but when I do have to go to a business meeting, I always show up in serious business man shorty shorts, which explains why I’m always escorted out of the building by security.

Selena Gomez usually looks like a rejected member of the Chippettes playing dress up in her mother’s clothes, so I am shocked that she’s actually working a look I fully approve of. Selena looks like a Texas rest stop hooker whore who is hitchhiking and hooking her way through the state in hopes of getting to Las Vegas where she plans to become a dancer in a casino show but will end stripping for quarters at a drive–thru strip club in Reno (think Showgirls without the happy ending). The bruise and the ponytail (which looks like a raggedy dog’s dingle-filled tail) really elevate this look to the upper echelons of class. Selena’s jean coochie cutters is where elegance and demure meet.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

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Ryan Gosling Cried After A One-Night Stand, So Says Star Magazine

August 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Star Magazine’s cover story this week is filled with tricks who claimed they dated an A-lister and are spilling everything. The stories are one hundred percent real and they were not written by interns who are majoring in fanfiction writing. One dude claims that he went out with the least popular Lalaloopsy doll Taylor Swift and she talked about her cats the entire time and some trick claims that Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s got a Titanic-sized dick and he came after one minute. But the best totally authentic and real tidbit came from some curvy blonde who says that her twat went where the entire Internet wants to go: Ryan Gosling’s peen. The curvy blonde tells Star that she bumped wet parts with Ryan after meeting at a club. She says the sex was good, but afterward, so many emotions filled Ryan’s sensitive soul that tears poured out of his eyes. Ryan’s one of those post-cum criers. Us cold-hearted sluts avoid those the same way hair avoids Justin Bieber’s upper lip, because what are you supposed to do with a naked, crying dude with a soft peen? (“Um, use his tears as lube and ask him if he wants to go again. Duh.” – you)

Ryan’s one-night trick put it like this (via Celebitchy):

“He was the best lover I’ve ever had,” recalls a curvy blonde, who shared a night of passion with Ryan after meeting him at a nightclub. But once the lovemaking was over, things took a turn.

“I thought I heard him sniffling,” she says. “Then I realized he had tears gushing down his face. I asked if he was all right, and he said he gets emotional sometimes.”

Ryan Gosling cried, because as he sat on the edge of that bed, he realized that since he is Ryan Gosling, he’ll never ever get to experience the beautiful magic of fucking Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling cried for himself, because it’s physically impossible for him to look up and see Ryan Gosling’s perfectly chiseled adonis face staring back at him as Ryan Gosling does him good missionary-style. Ryan Gosling continued to weep, because he knows that science still has a long way to go before humans can be cloned, which means that he won’t be able to clone himself anytime soon. Ryan cried for himself and cried for science. You can’t blame him. You would cry too if it was physically and scientifically impossible for you to fully fuck Ryan Gosling. Let’s all cry for Ryan Gosling.

And here’s Ryan Gosling’s new wax statue at Madame Tussaud’s in London. It needs more post-cum tears.

Pics: Wenn.com

Julia Roberts Doesn’t Think She Could Handle The Internet Haters If She Was A Young Star Today

August 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Even though Julia Roberts is a stone-cold bitch of the highest order who could shut a trick down just by squinting in their general direction, she confessed to Matt Lauer (serving up some “sleazy dad who hits on the babysitter when he drives them home” realness, as usual) this morning on the Today show (via Radar) that she’s glad she never had to deal with the biggest bitch of all – social media. Julia says she probably would have called up her agent and yelled “I QUIT” if she had to read the mean shit people said about her on Twitter or see grainy pictures of her looking like a drunk mess at the club with Kiefer Sutherland on Instagram:

“I don’t think I’d survive. It’s just too nasty…it’s the sport of ugliness. I’d pull out of it. I wouldn’t have the stomach for it. I’m so happy that, for me, the timing of when I started off in the business and how it all worked out for me.”

I totally agree with her; social media would not have been kind to Pretty Woman-era Julia Roberts. It would totally suck. If all the social media that existed now existed in the early 90s, someone asshole would have created a Tumblr called Julia Roberts is a Basic Bitch or Julia Roberts’s giant mouth. She’d Instagram a selfie on the set of The Pelican Brief and all the comments would be like “YR HAIR IS SO FUG AND YOU R BORING”. And imagine what Twitter would have looked like when the cast of Hook was announced? There would be a million angry people tweeting shit like “@StevenSpielberg: Are you serious? Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell???? #dumb #childhoodruined #somanytears”. 

And if you want to see what Julia’s “I quit this bitch” face looks like in slow-mo, here’s Julia on The Tonight Show last night playing a game called Face Balls with Jimmy Fallon. Even Jimmy Fallon’s face is like “Really? We’re throwing inflatable balls at each other’s faces now? Could we not throw together a Brian Williams rap instead?”

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Larry King Doesn’t Know How Bi-Sexuality Works, Anna Paquin Schools Him On It

August 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Larry King is older than sand and he was Spartacus‘ au pair, so you think that because he lived during the Roman Empire he’d be an expert on bisexuality, but the no-neck lizard has no idea how bisexuality works. Magnets, how do they work? Bisexuality, how does it work? While talking to Anna Paquin on his show Larry King Now, Larry asked her if she considers herself a non-practicing bi-sexual (Unimportant side note: One of my friends in high school had the thickest ass Chinese accent and she’d pronounce bi-sexual as “bi-sesh-ooh-ull”, so now I say it as “bi-sesh-ooh-ull,” because it just feels better on my tongue)  since she’s married to a dude. Larry seems to think that as soon as Anna married Beeeeeeehl, her craving to puss and her attraction to ladies went dormant. Anna and Beeeehl sent her bi-sexuality to a farm where it runs around and plays with the former bi-sexualities of others and they keep meaning to visit it on the weekends, but they just haven’t found the time. Anna let Larry King know that just because she’s married to a guy and is staying true to him doesn’t mean her nipples don’t get hard for ladies anymore. Educate that lizard, Soookeh! via The Advocate

Larry: “Are you a non-practicing bisexual?”

Sookeh: “Well, I am married to my husband and we are happily monogamously married.”

Larry: “But you were bisexual?”

Sookeh: “Well, I don’t think it’s a past-tense thing.”

Larry: “No?”

Sookeh: “No. Are you still straight if you are with somebody — if you were to break up with them or if they were to die, it doesn’t prevent your sexuality from existing. It doesn’t really work like that.”

Awkward IS Sookeh teaching Larry King about bi-sexuality. I watched the clip (at the 11:02 mark) and I still don’t know if Larry King got it. Sookeh should’ve broken it down in a way that Larry King understood. Sookeh should’ve told him that as a lizard, he probably really loves crickets and mango slices. He loves mango slices as much as he loves crickets. His tongue gets a boner for both of them. Let’s say that one day, Larry’s caretaker only gave him crickets and from that day on, he only got crickets for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yes, Larry would be perfectly happy, because he loves crickets, but that doesn’t mean he’d stop thinking about or stop craving mango slices. Sookeh should’ve put it like that. On second thought, that’s a bad idea, because that would’ve given Larry the hungries and then his lizard tongue would’ve shot out of his mouth and searched her teef for any food bits.

But seriously, bless Sookeh for educating the pepaws on one’s love of peen and poon. She should continue to do good things for the world by making sure that Sookeh and Beeehl die slow, painful deaths on the finale of True Blood, because they’ve been so goddamn annoying and the audience needs some satisfaction.

Here’s Sookeh still working that Mermista hair while leaving a spa in West Hollywood the other day and leaving LAX with her husband and one of her twins a couple of weeks ago.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Suave Pepaw Joe Biden Likes To Go Skinny Dipping

August 1, 2014 / Posted by:

“Listen babe, what you see is what you get – little JB don’t get no shrinkage. It goes in looking like a pool noodle and it stays looking like a pool noodle. Next question? Yeah, you in the red with the sweet rack. Stand up sugar, let Joey B get a good look at ya.”

According to the soon-to-be released tell-all, The First Family Detail (via NY Daily News) some loose-lipped Secret Service agents have spilled the T on a bunch of higher-up Washington types, like the President and Hillary Clinton, but the best dirt is about Vice President Joe Biden. Apparently, America’s sexy septuagenarian stud muffin likes to kick back at the end of a long day by stripping out of his suit, grabbing an ice-cold brewski and floating around naked in the pool. Unfortunately, some members of the Secret Service don’t much care for seeing Joe Biden’s bare ass:

Biden is portrayed as being more interested in coming off as a “regular Joe” than being potentially responsible for the nation’s nuclear codes.

“Agents say that, whether at the vice president’s residence or at his home in Delaware, Biden has a habit of swimming in his pool nude. Female Secret Service agents find that offensive.”

I understand that seeing the flaccid wrinkled penis and saggy silver-haired balls of a 71-year-old isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but how bad could Joe Biden’s junk be? It probably looks like a sleepy little hairless mouse nestled in a fluffy pile of cotton. I feel like the real reason they’re offended is that no one has invented time travel yet and they can’t watch this hot young version of Joe Biden go skinny dipping instead:

joebiden younghot

Pics: Splash, Instagram

The Photoshop Awards: Xtina’s Naked Pregnant Body In V Magazine

August 1, 2014 / Posted by:

The last time Xtina had a baby growing in her body, she took off all her maternity panties, got her minions to roll her in a kiddie pool full of Tang and posed bump ass naked in a cover photo shoot for Marie Claire that Photoshop is still recovering from. Since Xtina is currently carrying Matt Rutler’s future blank check, she has once again taken off all her clothes while Photoshop shakes with fear over all the work that’s about to come. Because what is the point of being a knocked up famous ho if you’re not going to show off your knocked up naked body in a magazine? If you’re a knocked up famous ho and you don’t pose naked for public eyes, are you really pregnant?

Xtina tells V Magazine that before she births out the adorable ATM that will make sparkly dollar signs shine in Matt Rutler’s eyes, she wanted one of her favorite photographers Brian Bowen Smith to capture her pregnant body and she also felt like too much time has passed since she’s made Photoshop scream for mercy. In the above shot, Xtina’s trying to look like she’s gracefully covering her salad plate nipple while she airs out her armpit and bathes her body in light bulb rays sunlight, but she’s obviously making veins in her butt lips burst by holding in a pregnant fart hard and she’s thinking about how a bitch needs to give her a chair, because she doesn’t know how much more her swole ankles can take. In another shot, Xtina’s trying to look like she’s gracefully lying on her back as her ass crack-flashing piece delicately kisses her upside/down, but it looks like her throat is throbbing from holding in an acid reflux burp. So artistic. So beautiful. So special.

Xtina said this to V about being pregnant:

“As a woman, I’m proud to embrace my body through all stages of life, staying fearless and confident in surrendering to the unknowns the future has in store.”

Translation: “I’m proud to embrace my body, but only if it’s Photoshopped to the next dimension and back. I’m also happy to give Photoshop some work. Adobe can’t put all their eggs in Mimi’s basket.”

And here’s a few more of Xtina’s pregnant naked body. Warning: PREGNANT NIPPLES AHEAD!

Chad Kroeger Got Avril Lavigne A Giant Tacky-Ass Ring For Their 1 Year Anniversary

August 1, 2014 / Posted by:

One year ago, the definition of random was redefined when Nickelback’s douche-dipped growly chanteuse Chad Kroeger married the neon pink Hot Topic urchin princess Avril Lavigne. Most people assumed their wedding was either a mistake or an accident or a mistake, so to celebrate beating the odds and staying married for a full year, Chad got on his Kawasaki Ninja and zipped over to Russell Oliver, where he picked out the most obnoxiously tacky ring in honor of his obnoxiously tacky wife. And even though it’s not covered in hot pink splatter paint or safety pins or Hello Kitty Jack Skellingtons, it looks like she loved it. Avril Lavigne tweeted this picture of her snuggling up to her maple sugar daddy with the caption:

“I still can’t believe my 1 year anniversary gift. 17 carat emerald cut. Wow. I love my hubby.”

I don’t know where Chad bought that ring, but if I was Avril, I’d feel really guilty about keeping it and probably take it back; any diamond purchased with Nickelback money is a conflict diamond. Then again, I doubt anyone will confuse her ring for an actual diamond. First of all, it looks like something found in the sale bin at Claire’s along with One Direction hair scrunchies and glow-in-the-dark frog earrings. Secondly, do Avril and Chad even have the kind of money that can buy 17-carat diamond rings? If so, then why the hell does Chad still use knock-off Sun-In from the 99¢ Store to lighten his hair? Upgrade to the Clairol Frost & Tip already, you budget bitch!

And pawn shop owners everywhere should start studying this picture now, because you’ll definitely be seeing the ring in person when Avril’s next album goes triple pyrite (100 copies in Manitoba) and she tries to sell it.

Pic: Twitter

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Auntie Fee (government name: Felicia O’Donnell), overnight YouTube star and the cooking show host the world needs but doesn’t deserve!

While trying to watch a show on the Food Network that isn’t a competition show or doesn’t star Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, I usually never make it past 5 minutes, because the host loses me by cooking some crap I’ll never cook (although that’s not saying much because even Rachael Ray’s microwave bacon recipe is some Le Cordon Bleu shit to me). But finally, a cooking hero has come along! Auntie Fee opened up her YouTube emporium of culinary and real-talk  treasures on July 30th and in just a couple of days, she’s already the butter-filled, pan-fried sweet treat of the Internet and has over 37,000 subscribers and hundreds of thousands of views.

The Julia Child of our time teaches her students how to feed a family of 7 with just $3.35. If I had to feed a family of 7 with just $3.35, I’d put a giant bowl of  Top Ramen, popcorn and ketchup packet stew in the middle of the table and tell everyone to stick their heads in and mouth fight for the fake chicken cubes. But Auntie Fee can whip up a culinary masterpiece fit for the chef’s table at Denny’s. If you’re looking for something sweet for the fuckin’ kids and shit, Auntie Fee has the perfect treat for them, but don’t do what her nephew/cameraman Tavis did and ask her the name of it, because she doesn’t know what the fuck it is. It’s just something sweet for the fuckin’ kids, alright?

One of the worst things about cooking, besides the cooking itself, is the clean-up, but Auntie Fee has you covered. You don’t need a bunch of bowls, pans and cutting boards to make some good ass chicken. All you need is a kitchen sink. Presenting Auntie Fee’s Kitchen Sink Chicken!

For those of you heaving at that chicken in the sink while thinking to yourself, “Eww, I don’t want any Ebola-encrusted chicken or Salmonella Surprise,” shut up! Do not question Auntie Fee’s cooking methods. Just do it, but make sure you serve a Purell dipping sauce with that kitchen sink chicken.

Raise a kitchen sink drumstick to Auntie Fee who I’m sure will be the biggest star and president of the Food Network in about a week!

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