Archives: August 2014

Mimi Makes Her First Appearance Since Her Glitter-Dipped Marriage To Nick Cannon Hit The Skids

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Ever since Nick Cannon started running his mouth off to the press about how his marriage is one flush away from going down the drain, Mariah Carey (seen here looking like if Rodeo Drive Vivian had a baby with Miss Piggy that grew up to be Carmen Sandiego if she quit the thief game and became a Real Housewife) hasn’t really had much to say. Why? Because Mimi is a classy, sophisticated silk floral arrangement who doesn’t go blabbing her life drama to anyone who will listen, or worse, staging tired publicity stunts in a desperate attempt to drag out the drama for as long as possible. No, Mimi is a refined lady, and she doesn’t need to resort to such low-class foolery.

Which is why she waited a full week before calling the paps to take some totally natural shots of her looking like an effortless high-society uptown Muppet diva while taking Dem Babies (who are technically Dem Toddlers now) out to lunch in New York. Mimi isn’t even divorced yet, and already she’s serving up some First Wives Club realness. Mimi is Brenda, Elise, AND Annie! Well, maybe not Annie. Maybe not Brenda or Elise either. Mimi is more like Phoebe, Shelly, and Duarto. Still hot! And, believe it or not, but she managed to get even hotter throughout the day. This is what Mimi looked like at lunch, and by dinner she was looking like this:

Mariah Carey heads out of her apartment in NYC

If that isn’t the face of a sassy day-drinking divorcee, I don’t know what is. Mimi’s right eye is all “I’m keeping an eye on you! Wink!” while her left is all “HALP ME, I’VE LOST MY PANTS.” Mimi at Mimi’s finest. Oh shit, imagine if Mimi made a vodka and named it Mimi’s Finest? I should be in marketing.

Here’s more of Mimi doing Sexy Single Manhattan Mommy Mimi yesterday in New York. She looks so dramatic! I feel like at any second, she’s going to storm into a courtroom in the 80s, point an exquisitely manicured fingernail at Nick Cannon and haughtily shout “I’ll see to it that you don’t get a dime!”

Pics: Splash

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Oprah Winfrey, Your Life Is Calling

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Oprah Winfrey will play Richard Pryor’s whorehouse madam grandma in The Butler director Lee Daniels’ upcoming biopic of the legendary comedian. There was already a sorta Pryor biopic that Richard himself was involved in and it had the best title I’ve ever heard – JoJo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling. Lee and Oprah (and Mike Epps, who has been cast as Pryor) aren’t going to top that title.

That flick was an “inspired by” take on it, but this one will be the real thing. Pryor was actually raised in Nana Marie Carter’s brothel in Peoria, Illinois (anyone would be a comedian after that experience) and TMZ reports that Oprah is looking to play “gritty” this time because she’s already exhausted “inspiring,” “spiritual,” and “book club.”

I don’t think playing a lady pimp is going be challenge enough for Oprah. I want to see O play Richard! Imagine the only deity that matters playing Richard on the set of The Toy, wondering just what the fuck he was thinking? Imagine Oprah catching fire while trying to freebase? Imagine Oprah opposite Maggie Gyllenhaal as Gene Wilder filming See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989)? (Wow, Richard went through some shit.)

Check out pics of O from the premiere of The Hundred-Foot Journey in NYC earlier this month below.

Pics: Splash

This Is ABC’s Next Bachelor For “The Bachelor”

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Because ABC’s selections for The Bachelor are always predictable as fuck (white, white, built, and white), I’m going to attempt to blindly guess as much about the newest bachelor as I can, based solely on my rudimentary knowledge of The Bachelor. I solemnly swear to Dorioto Jesus (my deity of choice) that I know nothing about this new bachelor except that his teeth look like pieces of Dentyne Ice gum and he loves pastels.

1. His name is probably Andrew or Craig. He looks like he could also be a Brad.

2. He’s either a management consultant, professional (re: played one pre-season game before getting benched, then cut) baseball/football player, or the ever-popular “entrepreneur”.

3. He’s from the east coast, maybe Boston. Or a bit further south, like Virgina or Georgia.

4. He’s between the ages of 32 and 34.

Okay, so now let’s see how close I got! According to People, ABC’s newest bachelor is named Chris Soules (damn, I was so close with Craig!), a 32-year-old farmer from Iowa. Farmer from Iowa? That’s not a bullshit made-up job like “synergy consultant” or “merchandising analyst” (both code for “unemployed actor”). Is everything alright, ABC? A farmer from Iowa doesn’t sound like an aspiring future fame whore, aka the only reason why anyone agrees to be on The Bachelor. But that over-styled hair and Zoomed-to-hell-and-back set of blindingly white chompers tells me there’s potential, so I’m not too worried about his fame-humping game.

I didn’t watch the 10th season of The Bachelorette (aka Andi Dorfman tries to find love after meeting the world’s worst dude) but apparently, Chris is one of Andi’s leftovers who got the boot right before the finale because bitch didn’t want to pull a Green Acres and move to Iowa. Which means he’s still trying to reach for that fame rainbow, or he legit wants to find somebody to love and he needs help because the OkCupid selection in Iowa is limited to single-and-ready-to-mingle dairy cows and DTF bundles of hay. What do you have against slutty bundles of hay, Chris? Hay needs love too!

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Charlize Theron Feels Young People Are Unwise, Is Dating Sean Penn

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Charlize Theron’s stock continues to plummet. She was such a hot piece! I don’t mean her looks. I mean she had a past, she beat up Teri Hatcher, she had Meryl Streep taking several seats after what she pulled off in Monster, and, well, Young Adult. She even threw shade at a Sister, Sister and that’s just funny. But Sean Penn. And then she compared gossip about her to rape. And now this interview…

And then for some reason our society just wants to go…it’s like a dead flower. [She pulls a flower from a vase.] It’s like we wilt for some reason. 

Yeah, it’s that bad. She used props.

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John Stamos Is One Step Closer To Making A “Full House” Revival Happen

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

When I heard the news that sexy yogurt hustler John Stamos was trying to bring back Full House, a show that’s been dead for nearly 20 years, I made the exact same face as Kimmy Gibbler above: a combination of shock, disgust, and confusion, with just a hint of “Da fuq??”. But it sounds like Uncle Jesse can stop trying to make it happen, because it’s probably definitely going to happen. Again, Kimmy Gibbler says what we’re all thinking. Kimmy Gibbler is us.

According to TV Guide, Warner Bros. TV has shown serious interest in bringing Full House back. Original producer Bob Boyette (hands up if you just said “Full House is a Miller-Boyette production” in Uncle Joey’s voice) has signed on, and creator Jeff Franklin has already started writing. Candace Cameron Bure, Jodie Sweetin, and Andrea Barber (YAAAASSSSSS!!!) are all on board for the reboot, while Bob Saget and Dave Coulier have agreed to be involved in some capacity (writing, acting, directing, voicing annoying woodchuck puppets).

It sounds like everyone and the attic are ready to come back and take a messy dump all over the Full House legacy, except for you-know-who. Obviously the Too-Good-For-This-Shit Twins, Mary Kate and Ashley, are far too busy being fancy troll pants fashion designers and vanguards of Urban Blair Witch style to grace our televisions with their presence. Well, guess what? We don’t need you either! All John Stamos needs is an eBay account connected to a valid credit card, and he can replace them with two vintage Talking Michelle dolls. Sure, they’re a poor substitute for the real thing, but the real thing would scare the shit out of children. You’re trying to make Full House, not American Horror Story: Full House.

There’s also no word on whether or not they’ll be bringing back such beloved Full House B-characters like Vicky Larson, Nicky and Alex, that hot bitch Kathy Santoni, or that scene-stealing hotter bitch Comet, but chances are pretty good that they won’t have any scheduling conflicts. One thing is for sure: they better not bring back that asshole Yankee Doodle Derek! Ugh, I’m getting ragey just thinking about his smug face and that shit-eating grin!

Natasha Lyonne And Fred Armisen Are Doing It

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Us Weekly, reformed life mess Natasha Lyonne and Elisabeth Moss’ ex-piece Fred Armisen have started finger-banging in the communal shower (for the OITNB fans) and/or putting a bird on it (for all 10 of the Portlandia fans). For fans of neither, what I’m trying to say is that these two are together, hump-wise.

An eyewitness says they saw Nicky and Fericito being “very flirty and talking very closely” aka they were (don’t say it Allison) canoodling (damn you) at the Variety/Women in Film Emmy nominee celebration on Saturday.  Then on Monday, the two attended the Emmys together and a bunch of after-parties, and another source claims they were linking arms and chuckling. Linking arms and giggling? Oh my god, GET A ROOM.

When Fred Armisen first hooked up with Peggy Olson 1,408 years ago, it was like random had a baby with questionable, but Fred and Natasha make a lot more sense to me. Sure, there’s still an age difference (47 for him, 35 for her) but it’s redundant, because Natasha has the voice of a 58-year-old longshoreman. And sure, Natasha has always given me some gayelle vibes. But they’re both secret weirdos. You know the kind, where they seem like they’re normal on the outside, and then you go to their house and discover they’re into DIY taxidermy or collecting pictures of strangers or they don’t have a toilet? What do you mean that’s never happened to you? You’re clearly not finding the right people on Tinder.

Chelsea Handler Got All Her Famous Friends To Say Goodbye To Her Show Last Night

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night was the finale episode of Chelsea Lately, thus ending Chelsea Handler’s 7 year run as E!’s drunk aunt. And to celebrate being free from no longer having to walk the halls at E! and smell the stink of Lucifer’s ball sweat wafting off the Kardashians (or 7 seasons, whatever) she called up all the famous hos in her life and told them to put on something clean-ish and get their asses down to her studio to sing her ass off the stage. And they all showed up, probably because Chelsea’s dog Chunk commanded them to do so with his adorable face. Look at Chunk Handler! I’d rob a liquor store for that dog if he asked me to! No, you’re right, I wouldn’t; but I’d definitely consider it. »

Tyler Perry Is Arthouse

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Tyler Perry stars as attorney Tanner Bolt in the film adaption of that goddamn ever-present Gone Girl book. Madea told Yahoo Movies that she had no idea who director David Fincher was, had never heard of the book, and wouldn’t have done the movie if she’d known how popular the two were. She’s so indie.

“I probably would have walked away from it. If I had known who David Fincher was, and his body of work, or if I’d known the book was so popular, I would have said, No,” he admits. “And my agent knew that! He didn’t tell me until after I signed on!”

I had no idea Tyler lived in a hermetically sealed arthouse cinema which only plays the films of Cassavetes, Bergman, Truffaut, Goddard, and Fellini (I have access to Wikipedia). When did this bitch get so bougie? HES FUCKIKNG MADEA. There are eight Madea films which don’t exactly play at the Brattle in Harvard Square. He didn’t know who David Fincher (Se7en, The Social Network, The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons, Panic Room, need I go on?) was? This bitch inexplicably popped up in the middle of the Star Trek remake and didn’t know who David Fincher was? Those fake tits under that housedress are full of LIES.

I’ll give him Gone Girl cuz’ not everyone’s a reader and I’m guessing he doesn’t take the subway.

Check out the latest trailer for Gone Girl and a couple of pics of Madea stooping to appear in utterly commercial and soulless cinema below. Hallelujer!

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Okay, The Beyhive Can Stop Threatening To Murder The Difficult Brown’s Piece

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

All together now: The HELL kind of GD rejected Fly Girl outfit is that bitch wearing? Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

On Sunday night, the second, third, fourth and final coming of Jesus, Blue Ivy Carter, blessed the VMAs with her holy presence and the halo in the form of a natural afro over her head. Some bitches on Twitter dragged BIC for having natural hair and those people probably woke up with a head full of no hair, because God scalped them all in the night for hating on their successor. One of those bitches was Chris Brown’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again trick Karrueche Tran (pronounced: Bitch You Fucking Dumb For Being With Chris Brown).

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Stage 99 from Models, Inc!

What David Chase, Carlton Cuse, Damon Lindelof, Vince Gilligan,
Matthew Weiner and Shonda Rhimes don’t want to admit is that their #1 source of inspiration for their respective works was Models, Inc! Models, Inc ran from 1994-1995 and was a powerful and provocative look at the “ugly” behind the beauty industry, featuring multi-layered, flawed characters that did the wrong things for the right reasons. Just kidding! It was a piece of shit show that was epically hot featuring a bunch of models who fucked, drank and got stalked and were supposed to be internationally famous but mostly did Montgomery Ward catalog work.

Screen Shot 2014-08-22 at 1.12.24 PM-2

Stage 99 was the VERY EXCLUSIVE nightclub where all the models hung out. It was owned by Adam Louder, played by 1994 sensation James Wilder, who was dating Monique Duran (played by Pinnochio’s sister, Stephanie Romanov). They were boring as hell, but Adam’s ex-wife Grayson was epically hot and played by Emma Samms. Bitch wore hot outfits like this (see attached), tried to kill people, tried to rape Adam and ran Models, Inc as a escort service. Also she had hot lines like this (start at 34:35):

Anyway, the club was a piece of shit but Models, Inc will live forever as the greatest show in American history!

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