Amateur hillbilly stripper chipmunk Miley Cyrus is on the cover of V Magazine’s “Rebel Issue”, which sort of makes sense, since she’s damn near re-wrote every chapter in the book of Former Disney Ho Rebellion. Slutty shower pics? Check. Smoking drugs? Check. Humping everything that moves? Check. More drugs? Oh, you betcha. The issue doesn’t come out until September 10th, but V Magazine decided to tease the cover a little early, because who wouldn’t want to see Miley laying on a pile of stuffed animals dressed like Beast Man’s skanky glue-sniffing half-sister?
But who’s responsible for this busted bowling alley claw game mess? Why that would be kunty tastemaker Karl Lagerfeld. Karl shot Miley and her Muppet fur-covered pork rinds for the cover, and it’s actually not the worst. Sure, it kind of looks like she’s posing for a sleazy ad that would run in the back pages of Sesame Street’s weekly free newspaper and, sure, that shark is giving “Help Me” eyes, but at least he managed to keep her clothes on, right?
Oh, for fucks sakes! As usual, I spoke too soon. It appears that Karl Lagerfeld also took a picture of Miley reaching for a slice of poontang pie with her backwoods pudding balloons out, because of course he did! It probably wasn’t even his choice! I bet Karl was all ready to pack up his shit when a naked-ass Miley lept in front of the door like a freon-huffing gazelle and hollered “Where do you think you’re going, Gay Dracula? We ain’t even done no nudes yet!”. Meanwhile, cut to that pile of stuffed animals all silently wishing for the incinerator from Toy Story 3.
Do yourself a favor and get into these clips from Lifetime’s Brittany Murphy biopic. This shit is so low-budget that I think it might be a prank. I was waiting for Jimmy Kimmel, no scratch that – Seth Meyers to walk out. This is Lifetime’s attempt to grab ahold of that Sharknado-type viral success, right? No one can act, that girl looks not a thing like the much-missed Murphy, and holy shite, THAT WIG ON “ALICIA SILVERSTONE.” Did someone from The Craft cast a curse on that girl? What in hell does she have going on under there that required that on her head? I think it’s still attached to whatever animal died for it. And that animal has peed many times and it’s dried. They couldn’t afford an actual blonde? Did they spent too much (a Tan-O-Rama Groupon)) hiring the girl in the Mayam Bialik chapeau? Maybe they put the money aside in case Brittany’s trashbag dad actually sues and (jn a surreal moment) wins?
The other clip is Brittany having a fainting spell in the canyons or something with a guy who I assume is supposed to be Ashton Kutcher. But maybe it is supposed to be her also-dead husband Simon Monjack. I don’t think the people involved in this production have ever seen any movies or even photos of their subjects. The Blohan/Liz Taylor biopic just put a quarter in this one’s raggedy coffee cup, shook its head and thought “there but for the grace of God…” as it went about its day.
UPDATE - It’s come to our attention that some of you fine-ass bitches can’t play the vids. That’s a tragedy. It’s not the same but check out the trailer and some screen caps of THAT WIG below.
Either someone has it out for director Bryan Singer or dude immediately needs to be ensconced in something with bars. Buzzfeed reports that Detective Olivia Benson and those two tricks that could never hope to replace Elliot Stabler are currently investigating the X-Men: Days of Future Past director on an sexual assault claim. The alleged victim is described as a 20-something NYC man, and the incident reportedly took place in March of last year. Not a minor this time? Upgrade for Bryan!
Acting on a tip, Buzzfeed dropped by the NYPD with a basket of muffins and a Diamond Candle, and just happened to innocently ask if Singer was being investigated by them. That’s so weird, now that you mention it, yes!
When it was reported yesterday that Joan Rivers had been rushed to the hospital after her heart stopped beating and her lungs stopped breathing during a throat procedure at a clinic, my first reaction was to scream out NOOOOO! while clutching at an egg of Sully Putty and praying the Rosary on the fine craftsmanship and exquisite detail of a Joan Rivers for HSN beaded necklace. But my second reaction was the same as J Harveys: we both immediately cried “WHAT ABOUT MELISSA?!?”, because what the hell would Melissa Rivers do without her mom?
Thankfully we don’t have to cross that bridge just yet, but it sounds like we shouldn’t disassemble our prayer shrines either. Us Weekly says that Joan is currently in a medically-induced coma, while Melissa has released a statement via a rep from Mount Sinai (the hospital where Joan is laid up) that her mom is doing okay for now:
“I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming love and support for my mother. She is resting comfortably and is with our family. We ask that you continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers.”
Joan has been in the hospital for around 24-hours, and already her condition has been upgraded twice from “critical’ to “stable” to “resting comfortably”. Bitch works fast! I’m hoping that at this rate, her condition will be upgraded to “watching reruns of House Hunters on HGTV” before Sunday. Then on Monday morning, she’ll appear on HSN hustling her new line of exquisitely crafted 14K rose gold IV catheters and hissing insults about how hideous her nurse’s scrubs were on Fashion Police (what am I saying? She’s probably already doing that from her hospital bed).
Pour out a bowl of cheese grits this morning, because the love between Britney Spears and her normal boyfriend Normal Guy Dave (born name: David Lucado) is as dead as a melted Frapp (“Oooh, give it here, I’ll still drink it!” – Brit Brit). According to TMZ, Brit Brit dumped Normal Guy Dave after someone (Chester Cheetah working under the alias Deep Flamin’ Hot Throat) tipped off Daddy Spears to the existence of a video showing Normal Guy Dave cheatin’ on the world’s most precious little chicken-fried steak dumplin’ Brit Brit Spears. ESCANDALO, Y’ALL! »
Queen Valanice from King’s Quest!
King’s Quest was a series of computer games released in the 80s/early 90s that told the story of King Graham going on quests and fighting goblins and dragons and all that shit. They were puzzle games, which mostly meant that you walked around and picked up items like dead fish because later it would open a lock.
Anyway, Valanice was the queen of Daventry (yes, I remember this shit) who looked like the evil stepmother from Cinderella. Mostly she just hung out in the background but in King’s Quest VII she took CENTER STAGE! The game features Valanice nagging her dumb bitch daughter Rosella to get hitched and stop fucking singing, only to have Rosella fall down some hole and into another land, so Valanice goes after her BECAUSE SHE WANTS A WEDDING. They fall into another land, where Valanice searches for her daughter while yelling at little kids and turning a tree into a lady that looks like Bianca from Beverly Hills Teens.
This game was so damn addictive, that my friend Sarah and I left a New Year’s Eve party junior year of high school by faking she got her period so we could go home and play this until 3 in the morning. Anyway, here’s the intro to King’s Quest VII featuring a beautiful song that is destined to be a Demi Lovato hit someday.
Courtney Stodden (20)
Lucas Cruishank (21)
Liam Payne (21)
Lea Michele (28)
William Levy (34)
Carla Gugino (43)
Meshell Ndegeocello (46)
Frances Ruffelle (49)
Todd English (54)
Rebecca De Mornay (55)
Mark Morris (58)
Deborah Van Valkenburgh (62)
Temple Grandin (67)
Robin Leach (73)
Joel Schumacher (75)
Elliot Gould (76)
John McCain (78)
William Friedkin (79)
Richard Attenborough (91)
Michael Jackson (1958-2009)
Every religion issued a joint statement today saying that August 23rd is now the holiest holiday of the year (Sorry, Christmas! Sorry, Yom Kippur! Sorry, Eid al-Fitr! Sorry, Bea Arthur’s birthday!), because the holiest couple in history became husband and wife in the holiest union of the century and everybody who witnessed that blessed event has been declared a saint (“Um, but I was declared a saint as soon as I was pulled out of my mom’s bony snatch.” – Shiloh). But one trick who wasn’t declared a saint was Jon Voight, because Jon Voight wasn’t there and he found out about it when we all did. Jon Voight was being interviewed by Inside Edition this morning and the reporter talking to him told him the news that his daughter married her third husband and the only thing he had to say was, “That’s nice.” You know your daughter hates you more than she hates wearing a color that’s not black or beige when you find out about her wedding from an Inside Edition reporter. Not even Entertainment Tonight! Inside Edition!
Jessica Alba says her non-toxic eco-friendly soap/detergent/skin care line, The Honest Co., is reportedly valued at $1 billion. Yes, $1 billion. Dollars. But she might have fudged the numbers a bit and she’s not actually worth that much. Either way, if she’s making anywhere near $1 billion, why is she still trying to act??? Focus on the soap! It’s clearly the thing you’re good at! - Lainey Gossip
Dancing with the Stars continues to play fast and lose with the definition of the word “stars” – Reality Tea
All of Ariana Grande Latte’s “memories” of the 90s clearly came from a BuzzFeed article about the 90s – Celebitchy
BREAKING: Hilary Duff walked to her car – Hollywood Tuna
Rachel, Phoebe, and a rubber Monica mask all reunited on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night – HuffPo
Harry Styles wore a Michael Sam jersey during a show in St. Louis. Cut to Taylor Swift texting Harry “Who’s this Sam chick? She sounds hideous” – Towleroad
Kendull Jenner is just going by Kendull now, because she knows the last name Jenner doesn’t mean shit unless it’s accompanied by the name Bruce – WWTDD
Sorry Lara Bingle, but the position of Hot Nearly-Naked Ho on a Beach has already been filled by CoCo. Put on your shirt, it’s time to go home – The Superficial
Lizzie Caplan reminding us she’s more Gretchen Wieners than Janis Ian – Drunken Stepfather
But for why is Ciara dressed like a hat-less Carmen Sandiego? – Popsugar
Jessica Chastain looks like she wants to either sell me a house or a really smart set of luggage at Macy’s – Popoholic
Oh, here go hell come; you don’t EVER fuck with Donna Meagle! – Jezebel
I think this is also how Michelle Duggar’s uterus reacts every time she announces she’s pregnant – The Berry
…and speaking of uteri, Shakira has a baby living in hers – ICYDK
Blake Lively managed to find a wannabe-GOOPy way to write about getting attacked by bees – Just Jared
If only the cast of Rocky the Musical has performed dressed like this, their show might not have closed – (NSFW-ish) OMG Blog
David Fincher is directing normcore ads for The Gap now (“Who???” – Tyler Perry) – Pajiba
Way back in April, the human version of resting bitch face Katherine Heigl slapped NYC drugstore chain Duane Reade with a lawsuit after they tweeted a picture of her leaving Duane Reade, because Katherine was pissed that they used her image (aka the image of “a highly successful television and motion picture actress“) without slipping her some cash, so she demanded restitution to the tune of $6 million. But according to The Hollywood Reporter (via Daily Mail), Katherine has reached some sort of an agreement with Duane Reade and she’s dropped her lawsuit. QUITTER!
Katherine’s rep has said that both parties are keeping their mouths shut regarding the details of the deal, but we do know that Duane Reade is making a donation to the Jason Debus Heigl Foundation in exchange for making the lawsuit disappear. And just like that, papers to dismiss the lawsuit were filed on Tuesday in a New York federal court, which means the saga of Highly Successful Actress vs. Drugstore Social Media Account is officially done.
You know, part of me is glad they settled, because all that hush money will go to a good cause (the JDHF helps dogs and cats, and I can’t throw shade and needy critters) but what I wouldn’t have given to see this mess play out in a court of law. The lawsuit itself was a perfect work of double-glazed delusion, so I can only imagine the sort of ‘pain and suffering’ Katherine could have cooked up with her lawyer. This trick loooooves blaming other people (it’s the only thing that makes her butthole relax enough in order to change the stick she keeps up there), so I bet she would have thought of some real doozies. “Your honor, my client – who is a highly successful film and television actress – was so emotionally distraught over the actions of Duane Reade that she was forced to delay shooting on a very lucrative ZzzQuil commercial!”