Archives: August 2014

Katherine Heigl Decided To Drop That Lawsuit Against Duane Reade

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Way back in April, the human version of resting bitch face Katherine Heigl slapped NYC drugstore chain Duane Reade with a lawsuit after they tweeted a picture of her leaving Duane Reade, because Katherine was pissed that they used her image (aka the image of “a highly successful television and motion picture actress“) without slipping her some cash, so she demanded restitution to the tune of $6 million. But according to The Hollywood Reporter (via Daily Mail), Katherine has reached some sort of an agreement with Duane Reade and she’s dropped her lawsuit. QUITTER!

Katherine’s rep has said that both parties are keeping their mouths shut regarding the details of the deal, but we do know that Duane Reade is making a donation to the Jason Debus Heigl Foundation in exchange for making the lawsuit disappear. And just like that, papers to dismiss the lawsuit were filed on Tuesday in a New York federal court, which means the saga of Highly Successful Actress vs. Drugstore Social Media Account is officially done.

You know, part of me is glad they settled, because all that hush money will go to a good cause (the JDHF helps dogs and cats, and I can’t throw shade and needy critters) but what I wouldn’t have given to see this mess play out in a court of law. The lawsuit itself was a perfect work of double-glazed delusion, so I can only imagine the sort of ‘pain and suffering’ Katherine could have cooked up with her lawyer. This trick loooooves blaming other people (it’s the only thing that makes her butthole relax enough in order to change the stick she keeps up there), so I bet she would have thought of some real doozies. “Your honor, my client – who is a highly successful film and television actress – was so emotionally distraught over the actions of Duane Reade that she was forced to delay shooting on a very lucrative ZzzQuil commercial!”

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Open Post: Hosted By CoCo’s Demure Barbados Beachside Elegance

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Originally I had a cut-out of Ice-T’s face over CoCo’s stunning butter-basted buttcrack because I thought the sight of CoCo’s delicate g-string covered clamshell may be too much sophistication for some people’s eyes. But Michael K informed me that attempting to censor CoCo’s beauty is considered a Class A felony and he’d call the police on my ass if I dared to commit such a serious crime. So here it is, in all its lubed-up glory, just as God had intended.

Ice-T and CoCo are currently in Barbados on vacation from who cares they don’t need a reason, and as always, CoCo didn’t forget to pack her suitcase full of taste and class. CoCo was spotted (“spotted” – as if you could miss her) frolicking along the beach before asking permission from Poseidon if she could enter the water, because obviously she would’t want to shock the ocean with a high level of refined beauty and kill all the fishes. CoCo is thoughtful like that.

And I’ve just received notice that shortly after CoCo went for a swim, all the mermaids got together and decided to change their name to mercocos.

Pics: Splash

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Kanye West Claims He Can’t Hate The Paps, Because His Father Used To Be One

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

This is when we realize just how much Robin Williams was a part of our culture, because as I was typing the words “used to be one”, my brain immediately cut to the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire where he pretends to be Elsa Immerman. Oh Robin, I am so so sorry to mention your name in the same post as such arrogant trash.

There were so many insane butt nuggets of insanity in Kanye West’s desposition in the case of him grabbing a pap’s camera and trying to whoop a trick, like claiming he’s a celebrity civil rights leader or that the paparazzi are worse than the Nazis, so it should come as no surprise that some crumbs from Kanye’s crazy would fall through the cracks. For instance, TMZ says that Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband played the ‘I don’t hate ___ people, some of my best friends are ___!’ card by claiming that he can’t actually hate the paparazzi, because his father once worked as a paparazzi, and added that his parents didn’t raise him to “be out here wrestling with random paparazzi in front of LAX.” Well, I should hope not! I don’t believe Dr. Benjamin Spock ever said anything about the importance of taking your child to the airport and teaching them to fight with photographers.

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Irritating Shithead Compares Himself To Princess Di

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber was on his way back from another try at beating Chipmunkra’s score at Down the Clown at Dave & Buster’s when some amusing pap rear-ended him. Dickus noted the photographer following him and hit the brakes, getting rear-ended. This went down on Tuesday afternoon in West Hollywood.

Yes, I find his Ferrari being dinged by a Prius induces chuckles. He’s like the villainy cunt in every bad teen movie from the 80s, caring only about himself and his bitchin’ ride and he should be called Chet. Or Chad. Something “CH-.” You just want him to end up wedgied or covered in horseshit or taped into a gorilla suit by the end of the movie. This post just got really kinky.

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Kristen Stewart Blames Her Past Bad Acting On Her Co-Stars

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Ok, I am going to begin this post in an unusual way for DListed. I’m a guest and you know that guest who goes through your medicine cabinet and thinks you don’t hear them rifling through your spermicide and hemorrhoid cream? The guest who comments on your generic brand cream cheese and doesn’t use a coaster even though the fucking coasters ARE RIGHT THERE ON THE  COFFEE TABLE AND CLEARLY NOT DECORATIVE? That’s me right now because I’m going to acknowledge two positives about Kristen Stewart’s interview in the September issue of Vanity Fair France. The first is that she looks really hot in the pics. The second is that she doesn’t come off as a COMPLETE asshole in the interview. In fact, she reads as a less petulant and stank Kristen Stewart than you’ve ever experienced.

Now that that’s out of the way, she DOES tend to suggest that she’s an amazing actress, and also blames any past bad acting on her part on her co-stars. So this is still finger-sucking malcontent Kristen Stewart and you’re still reading DListed in case you were wondering…

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LeAnn Rimes Made A Rape Joke And It Went Over Really Well

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

In a video interview with Joan Rivers, (get well soon!), LeAnn Rimes (accompanied by her equally squinty husband) joked that she lost her virginity by raping her first boyfriend. She also referred to black people as “coloreds,” used the r-word to describe Becky on Glee, and beat her step-children in the checkout line at a K-Mart in Reseda. LeAnn’s a little tone-deaf as to what’s appropriate in society nowadays. (She didn’t actually do the stuff after the rape joke. Yet.)

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Joan Rivers Stopped Breathing And Maybe Went Into Cardiac Arrest During Surgery This Morning (UPDATE)

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

According to TMZ, 81-year-old comedian and life legend Joan Rivers was rushed to the hospital this morning during a throat procedure at a clinic in New York. Joan was having some shit done to her vocal cords when she stopped breathing and was rushed to Mount Sinai. TMZ says that shortly before 10:00am, an emergency call was placed to 911 saying that someone (Joan) was in either cardiac or respiratory arrest. Other than that, the only thing we know is that her daughter Melissa is on her way to the hospital.

No! Not Joan! The walls in my house aren’t long enough for the slow wall slide of sadness I need to do right now, so I’m dropping to the floor and doing the slow floor slide of sadness all the way down my hallway. I don’t care if I get splinters in my ass! Joan is worth it! It might also be worth it if you have a fancy memaw in your life to ask if she has any jewelery from the Joan Rivers for HSN collection that you could borrow (trust me, she does; all fancy memaws do) and form a prayer circle using the most exquisite pieces. Joan’s timeless joo-rey can fix anything.

UPDATE: The NYPD have said that at one point Joan’s heart stopped beating, and that she is currently in critical condition.

UPDATE #2: E! has confirmed that Joanie’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable:

Screen Shot 2014-08-28 at 10.25.36 AM

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BREAKING: Hello Kitty Isn’t Actually A Cat

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Don’t worry, I’m deeply confused too. This is like someone pointing to a picture of Kim Kardashian and trying to convince you that it’s not a picture of a narcoleptic-faced hooker. It makes NO goddamn sense. But according to the Los Angeles Times, Hello Kitty – the cat-looking Japanese cartoon character who’s named after the thing she looks like – is not actually a cat. So what the hell is she then?

According to Christine R. Yano, an anthropologist who is curating a retrospective on Hello Kitty and author of the book Pink Globalization: Hello Kitty’s Trek Across the Pacific, found out during her research from one of the HBICs at Sanrio that Hello Kitty is actually a human British 3rd grade girl named Kitty White. She’s five apples tall, a Scorpio, her parents are George and Mary White, and she has a twin sister named Mimmy. You hear that? Five apples tall, just like a regular human child!

All I have to say to that is: …THE FUCK???? Is this one of those tests they give to see if you’re a serial killer? What kind of person is looking at Hello Kitty and saying “Of course she’s not a cat! Look at her whiskers and cat ears – that’s clearly a human child”? Bitch is named Kitty and has whiskers and paws and kitty ears and LOOKS LIKE A FRIGGIN CAT, but she’s a human? The only explanation for this is that “George and Mary” are British-sounding pseudonyms for Dennis Avner and Jocelyn Wildenstein. One romantic night over a bottle of Chablis and a crystal dish of Fancy Feast, Dennis and Jocelyn made unsettling humanoid cat-love which resulted in Jocelyn giving birth to a litter of two cat-looking babies, Kitty and Mimmy. Then they moved to Japan, where everything is next-level weird and no one would question the existence of two freaky cat people raising cat-looking twin girls that are no taller than five apples. There, that makes much more sense!

Beyoncé’s Dad Sort Of Says The Bey-Z Divorce Rumors Were Made Up In An Attempt To Push Ticket Sales

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Mathew Knowles, the former manager of Her Majesty Beyoncé and current professional sperm-slinging deadbeat pepaw, told Houston 104.1′s The Roula and Ryan Show on Wednesday (via Radar) that he knows the TROOF when it comes to Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s marriage. Take a seat and get ready to learn, because Professor Daddy Knowles is about to school your asses on Publicity Stunting 101!

Mathew says that sometimes a rumor can “ignite” a tour, and when that happens, it’s called a “Jedi mind trick” (cut to Yoda making a “da fuq?” face while using the force to pull out a chair for Mathew to have a seat). According to Mathew, a Jedi mind trick will fool you into thinking that what you see is real. Well, technically he made a “poof” sound, but you get the idea. Then when asked if he thought that Beyoncé pulled an Obi-Wan Kenobi and her Jedi powers to stage the Basement Baby elevator beat-down, Mathew said:

“Everyone’s talking about it. Ticket sales went up. Solange’s album sales went up 200%.”

So basically, Mathew is crazy, THE END. But since I have time to elaborate, what he’s essentially saying is that maybe it was just a coincidence that the Basement Baby elevator beat-down happened right before Beyoncé and Jay-Z were about to kick off the “On The Run” tour and maybe ticket sales went up because people thought they might get to see some drama on stage and maybe everything about Beyoncé is a lie or maybe it’s the truth. Or maybe she’s actually a real-life Jedi, which would sort of make sense, since some of her weaves look like a fine blend of 100% Wookiee-Ewok hair.

And here’s Beyoncé’s daddy sounding like a stoned-ass teenager talking about Star Wars on the Roula and Ryan Show, if you need something to get second-hand high off of this morning:

Pic: Instagram

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The Guy Who Was Suing Bryan Singer For Sexually Abusing Him Dropped His Lawsuit

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night in the backyard of a mansion in The Valley somewhere, creepy-faced Bryan Singer dove head first into a pool full of white, barely legal naked twinks and later snorted a lot of coke out of a lot of barely legal twink hole, because that rape lawsuit against him was dropped. Bitch was celebrating.  (“Um, so does that mean I can watch Jack the Giant Slayer without feeling a thickness of creepiness covering my skin?” – you “You should feel that anyway, because that wreck is an unwatchable mess.” – the entire world)

The wave of lawsuits against X-Men director Bryan Singer started when Michael Egan sued Bryan and two other Hollywood types (including the dream killer responsible for that horrific He-Man movie that murdered my childhood) for allegedly turning him into their toy and butt raping him from Hollywood to Hawaii starting when he was just 15 years old. Michael Egan was being represented by lawyer Jeff Herman, but things started to fall apart back in May when Jeff asked to be dismissed from the case.

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