Archives: August 2014

Night Crumbs

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Rihanna sat courtside at a charity basketball game that Chris Brown played in, and if she was really feeling charitable, she should have used the force to take that levitating basketball and smack Breezy in the face – Lainey Gossip

Lena Dunham teases the 4th season of Girls by showing us that she’s reached the level of success where she can now hire someone to eat shit on a bike for her – Pajiba

“Hey sexy, you want something a little stronger? I got a couple cold brewskis back in my shed”The Deaner to every woman who came to his kids’ lemonade stand – ICYDK

It looks like the front of Tara Reid’s top has been forced to choose sides in the feud between her two titties – HuffPo

Backdoor Farrah bought a $99,770 Mercedes Benz, which means the “research” she’s doing at a Texas strip club must be going well – Reality Tea

Kim Kardashian klearly has the same korset tool in Photoshop that Khloe has – Celebitchy

Pamela Anderson serving up some classic Pammy elegance (well, as much as she can serve without a pair of stripper heels and a giant hat) – Hollywood Tuna

The Dominican Republic isn’t here for Miley Cyrus or her faux-gayelle hillbilly antics – Towleroad

If you’re going to try to bribe Canadian border officials, don’t insult them by offering backstage passes to see their country’s most shameful export – WWTDD

Those aren’t man titties on Bruce Jenner, it’s just a surplus of charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent exiting his body through his nipples – The Superficial

Here’s what 1/2 of the Pretty Little Liars chicks look like running down the middle of a highway buck-naked – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

That shiba inu who runs a Japanese convenience store could teach these lazy cats a thing or two about customer service – Jezebel

Don’t worry Vanessa Hudgens, nobody’s looking at your face when you’re wearing those fugly patent-leather Birkenstocks – Popoholic

Jackie from That 70s Show is still very very pregnant – Popsugar

Alex Trebek throws shade at one of the contestants on Jeopardy! for spending $5,000 on a camera to take pictures of his cats, which makes me throw just as much shade at Alex Trebek as the time I did when she shaved off his moustache – The Berry

But doesn’t Nathan Fillion always look like that? – SOW

Adele Dazeem does the Ice Brooket Charmingle – Just Jared

Pic: Splash

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Programming Note: I’m Going On Vacation!

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

If you replaced Kate Moss’ bikini with a lime green extra tight Speedo and replaced that lit fag (I set that joke up for you) with a straw sticking out of a margarita and replaced that yacht floating off of the coast of Formentera, Spain with a plastic lounge chair, that picture would be me next week!

The VMAs are on Sunday and the Emmys are on Monday, so it’s a WONDERFUL time to go away and check into a hotel whose WiFi might be slower than Kourtney Kardashian’s speech pattern. You can always count on me to make smart decisions. I booked this trip months ago at the same time I scheduled my endoscopy thing (which happened last week) because I figured that THE SCOPE would poke out the burping hamster stuck in my chest and then I’d be able to celebrate by drinking all the tequila. THE SCOPE didn’t poke out the burping hamster stuck in my chest, but I did read on WebMD that massive amounts of tequila cures acid reflux (or is it makes it worse? I don’t remember), so I’m going to Cancun. While there, I also plan to have a commitment ceremony with THE SCOPE that throat boned me last week. We’re really in love.

Anyway, I plan to fart up crap about the VMAs on Sunday and Monday and throw up some Emmy shit on Monday night and Tuesday. Allison will be here and J. Harvey is going to help out until Labor Day, because somebody has to make a dick cheese joke. His ass will start on Sunday. My friend and the godbitch of Hot Slut of the Day, Lahoma, is also helping me out by doing a few HSOTDs. After Tuesday, I’ll be blogging here and there. I’ll be back full-time on Labor Day so make sure you have the broken crack pipes, empty wine cooler bottles and cum stains removed from the place before then. Hmmm, on second thought, leave the cum stains.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

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Open Post: Hosted By Bendadick Cumsinbatches’ Ice Bucket Challenge Video

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

People have almost died from doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge and it’s made silicone flower Pamela Anderson mad, but yet celeb whores are still doing it and they’ll keep doing it until we officially run out of water and our government has to start importing ice cold ocean water from Antarctica so celeb whores can keep doing it. When that ice cold imported ocean water runs out, they’ll find ways to keep doing it. Approximately, 4,895,789 celeb whores have done it and today, Benedict Cumberbatch became celeb whore #4,895,790 to do it. Since Bendadryl is a highly esteemed thespian and a real AC-TOR, he can’t do just a regular, boring, mundane Ice Bucket Challenge video. Benedict’s video is 2 minutes long and is filled with several scenes. It took 2 directors, 4 camera people, 1 costumer, 3 stunt doubles, 1 cinematographer, 3 caterers and a location scout to put it together. I’m surprised that at the end of it, there wasn’t a note stating that all the water was CGI’d in during post-production. It’s like the Gone with the Wind of Ice Bucket Challenge videos.

Does drool count as water? If it does, the drought over! Because while watching their alien amphibian god get splashed in the shower, his Cumberbitches drooled out gallons of drool from every orifice. The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge should become the ALS Cumberbitch Drool Challenge since we have plenty of that now.

If you can only stand to watch one more goddamn Ice Bucket Challenge video, watch Patrick Stewart doing it the way it was meant to be done.

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Stacy Keibler Had A Baby

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above letting out a post-poot laugh after dropping a pregnancy fart on her husband’s dick, Stacy Keibler birthed out the baby she made with the dude she rebounded with right after she lost her job as George Clooney’s award season escort. Being with George Clooney for so long made Stacy’s ovaries extra hungry so as soon as he pink-slipped her ass, she wrapped her vagine around the first raw dick she saw and humped it until a fetus checked into her womb. That raw dick she humped on belongs to her friend Jared Pobre. Stacy and Jared dated for three months before they made a baby together and they got married four months after that. Bitch took rebounding to the next level.

Stacy announced on her website today (via People) that she and her Mr. Peanut-looking ass husband, whose last name is a Spanish gold digger’s nightmare, are parents to a baby girl they named Ava Grace.

Jared and I have been blessed with the new love of our lives. Ava Grace Pobre was born at home on Wednesday, August 20th. We’ve never experienced a level of joy and happiness like this before! Thank you so much for all of the special wishes and positive energy.

Every time I go out in public, my friends and family refer to me as “you dumb bitch,” because the name fits and because I don’t respond to “Michael” when outside. What’s the point? Every trick is named Michael, so if I turned around every time I heard my name I’d wear out my neck muscles. Since 98% of the American population will name or has named their daughter Ava, Ava Grace Poor will soon know my pain.

Stacy says that she’s never experienced a level of “happines like this before,” but I don’t know if I’d use the word “happiness.” She should’ve used the word “awkward.” Because it was probably really weird when Baby Ava started to come out of Stacy’s body and Stacy grabbed her head while shouting, “Not today! Not today! Clooney doesn’t get married until September. You’re a month early. How am I going to steal his thunder now? Get the hell back in there!

Pic: Instagram

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JLo Says She’ll Get Married Again Because She Doesn’t “Whore Around”

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

It wasn’t that long ago that Jennifer Lopez, the come-to-life human version of a hand-puppet created by a Colorado elementary school student, called it quits with her Sid from Toy Story-looking boyfriend Casper Smart, so when she appeared on Chelsea Lately Thursday night, Chelsea Handler asked her what her game plan was for her dating future and whether or not she’d entertain the idea of getting married for a fourth time. Since her last relationship ended when her kept bitch boy toy seemed to forget who was responsible for slipping prepaid VISA cards into his wallet every night and started sneaking around with bikini models, you’d think the answer would be a big fat NO. But JLo says that when two roads diverge in the pussy woods, she’ll be taking the road less traveled by penises:

“I like being in a relationship. I’m not one to like, whore around, and stuff like that—that’s not my thing.”

I don’t really blame her; JLo has proven time and time again that she needs to start screening her tricks better. If Diddy, Ben Affleck, Cris Judd, Skeletor, and Casper Smart is the result of JLo being “selective”, then I would hate to see the kind of bottom-feeders she’d wrap her pussy lips around if she didn’t give a fuck.

But I do have a problem with her saying the words “whore around” like it’s a bad thing! Excuse you, bitch! You can’t throw shade at people who whore around if you’re guilty of Skeletor-ing around, which is a Class-4 felony when it comes to crimes against fuck parts. I think if you asked any pussy out there if they’d rather have 200 random dicks or 1 that looks like Hordak, I’m pretty sure they’d pick the 200 random dicks. I mean, I would. Hordak is scary! I don’t wanna hump a dick that looks like a skeleton bat!

50 Cent Challenges Floyd Mayweather To Read “Cat In The Hat” On Jimmy Kimmel Live!

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

There was a time when 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather Jr were best brofriends forever, but their bromance ended after a business deal between the two went bad two years ago. Since then, 50 Cent has made it one of his life goals to troll the shit out of Floyd and he continued to troll him hard on Instagram yesterday. While celeb whores keep challenging each other to that Ice Bucket Challenge, Ten Dimes challenged his ex-BFF to something else. A bunch of ice falling on Floyd isn’t a challenge at all, because he’s been hit in the skull so many times that he’s lost all feeling in his head and face. So 50 dared Floyd to complete a really challenging challenge. 50 dared Floyd to read.

Apparently, the noted lady beater has the reading skills of Kendull Jenner and this Christmas he’ll probably find a copy of Hooked on Phonics in his stocking. Floyd reads about as good as 50 Cent throws. On Instagram yesterday, 50 challenged Floyd to read one page from a Harry Potter book. If Floyd can do it without stopping and starting again, 50 promised to donate $750,000 to any charity of his choice. 50 later changed up the challenge when he realized that maybe Harry Potter is a little too advanced for Floyd. 50 is allowing Floyd to read “Cat In The Hat” and Jimmy Kimmel agreed to host the “ALS/ESL challenge” on his show. Oh, 50, that glorious piece of shit asshole.

After 50 Cent challenged Floyd to read, Power 105′s The Breakfast Club played a clip of Floyd struggling to read a handful of words. That’s some Jordan Catalano shit.

Floyd hasn’t publicly responded to 50 Cent yet, but there’s a rumor on Tumblr and Twitter that he tweeted (and deleted) this:

floydmayweather50cent

Floyd can’t read a book, but he can read a bitch.

Mimi Has Told Nick Cannon To STFU And Stop Talking About Their Impending Divorce

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

By now, we all know that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon aren’t living together because their love is deader than dead and that it’s really only a matter of time before Mimi releases a dozen glitter-dipped strawberry-scented pink butterflies in a miniature Hello Kitty hot air balloon from her boudoir window to signal that her marriage is officially over. But until she finishes teaching the smartest butterfly how to operate a hot air balloon, she’s told Nick to keep his goddamn mouth shut regarding the whole thing.

TMZ says that Mimi is pissed that Nick ran his mouth to The Insider about their marriage, so she had her lawyer get together with Nick’s lawyer and draw up a confidentiality agreement preventing him from talking. Yes, it’s that one-sided; Mariah is too busy being an elegant princess-cut pink sapphire to gossip to the press about her impending divorce. But everyone knows that fucking Kim Kardashian puts you at risk for catching a major case of second-hand stupid, so Mimi thought it was best that Nick be given a little legal reminder that spilling the details of their divorce to the press before Mimi says it’s okay is a major no-no and to stick a glitter-covered sock it in. The agreement states that Mariah will be the one to announce their split and that there are “severe financial penalties” if Nick says anything before that.

I see what that sneaky Mimi is doing here. By banning Nick from saying anything about the divorce, she has the upper hand and can keep her mouth shut too. That way, she can be all “Divorce? What divorce?” and keep half her shit. There’s no way Nick is getting his greedy little hands on half of her Lollipop Bling dollars!

The Queen Bee Of Manhattan Has Left NYC!!!!

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

How dreadful!

TMZ delivered some truly devastating news this morning that has rocked the playground social scene of NYC. The grand dame of the Manhattan prep school scene has been tragically forced to give up her throne and move all the way to California. The private school girls of Manhattan are so lost today and they don’t know what to do. Is this season about wearing red quilted Chanel ballet flats with their school uniform or are they supposed to wear navy patent leather Louis Vuitton Mary Jane kitten heels with their school uniform? How can they go on without their queen to guide them? And of course, this is all Katie Holmes’ fault.

According to TMZ, Katie has pulled Suri Cruise out of NYC and has moved them both to L.A. Expect Suri’s Burn Book to have a lot more “like, yeahs” in it, because Katie bought a 6,000 square foot house in Calabasas, CA for almost $4 million. Katie wanted to keep the whole thing on the hush (read: she didn’t want those crazy whores at Scientology to find out) so she made everyone involved in the purchase of the house sign a confidentiality agreement and they agreed to pay $1 million if they violated that shit. Katie moved her and Suri back to CA, because she wants to get better movie roles and thinks she needs to be near Hollywood to do so. Katie also thinks that Calabasas is a good place to raise Suri.

Sometimes when Katie “thinks,” bad things happen (see: signing up for Jack and Jill and moving Suri to Calabasas). I mean, Calabasas is the home turf of the Kartrashians! Do they even have an appointment-only Lanvin Kids boutique in L.A.? Someone should go ahead and file a child abuse claim with the county before things go too far and what I mean by that is before Suri is forced to go to Dash to shop for a dress for her school’s 3rd grade winter ball. Wait, do private schools in Calabasas even have 3rd grade winter balls? What have you done Katie? What you have done???

Well, it could’ve been worse. Suri could’ve been forced to live with Tommy Girl.

Speaking of, here’s TG and his brown Ellen DeGeneres hair ruling the set of Mission Impossible 5 in Vienna, Austria yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com

 

Scott Weiland Says The Scott Weiland Who Got Busted For Meth And Stealing Razors At Rite Aid Isn’t Him

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

“Uh huh, sure” – the look on that guy’s face behind him.

Yesterday, TMZ reported that Scott Weiland - the singer from the Stone Temple Pilots, Velvet Revolver, and former frequent visitor to the all-you-can-eat bad shit buffet – had been arrested four weeks ago and was currently sitting in an L.A. County jail cell. According to TMZ (via Gawker), it all started when Scott got busted by a security guard stealing razors at a Rite Aid in Beverly Hills. Scott made a break for it, but got about halfway down the block before police caught up to him, and when they went to search him, they found his pockets were stuffed with more than Mach3′s; Scott’s pockets were filled with THE METH.

Scott Weiland allegedly pulled the “I’m Scott Weiland from the Stone Temple Pilots” card, but it didn’t do any damn good because they still hauled his ass down to the station and set his bail at $95,000. Rookie mistake! If he’d only have said “I’m the owner of the giant lumpy acid green moose knuckle in the ‘Big Bang Baby’ video”, he probably would have been given $95,000, asked to sign a couple autographs (“To Officer Jenkins – keep up the good work XO Scott Weiland’s dick bulge”), and set free! But he didn’t, and so Scott Weiland was booked for meth possession and burglary and has been sitting in a jail cell for four weeks waiting for Slash or Duff McKagan to post his bail. »

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