Archives: August 2014

An Anaconda Bit One Of Nicki Minaj’s Dancers During Their Rehearsal For The VMAs

August 23, 2014 / Posted by:

TMZ says that during a rehearsal for the VMAs on Sunday, one of Nicki Minaj’s dancers got a little too close to a not-the-one snake and got bit. Nicki was on stage performing “Anaconda” when an actual anaconda must have confused one of her dancers for Jon Voight and bit her ass. Well, we don’t know if the snake bit her ass, but if snakes are drawn to movement and it all went down during a rehearsal for “Anaconda”, then it’s probably safe to say he took a chunk out of her butt meat.

Anacondas aren’t venomous, but they do carry all sorts of bad shit and getting bit by one is like making out with Lindsay Lohan, so the dancer was taken to hospital where she’s being treated for whatever gross bacteria that snack-hungry snake left behind. No word on whether or not the anaconda got fired, but something tells me coming for a dancer isn’t the sort of thing that looks good on a snake-resume. So yeah, that reptilian bitch probably got escorted off the property by security. Also not known is which of Nicki’s dancers got bit, but if natural selection has taught me anything, it was probably this one.

Getting bit by a snake is no joke, but I’m just glad the snake didn’t try to sink his teefs into Nicki’s busted rubber-stuffed butt. That poor snake! His little snake fangs would have gotten stuck, not to mention that CyberClean (which I believe is the material Nicki injects her ass with) is probably highly toxic to snakes.

But secretly, I bet that clever reptile planned the whole thing. He knew the VMAs are going to be a damn mess, and he did whatever he could to get out of it. Bite a dancer, eat one of the twinks from Five Seconds of Summer, take a dump in Drake’s shoes, whatever it takes!

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JWoww Swears Her Exquisite Face Has Never Been Touched By A Doctor’s Scalpel

August 23, 2014 / Posted by:

The last time we saw Jenni “JWoww” Farley, her face definitely looked a little…off. It was sort of like JWoww was wearing a knock-off JWoww mask from Party City that had half-melted in the trunk of her car. It truly was a “Jesus take the wheel, and drive the car as far away from the plastic surgeon’s office as possible, cause this bitch is DONE” moment. Radar also felt the same way, so they talked to a couple of “doctors” (aka Nick Riviera and the staff at Hollywood Upstairs Medical College) to find out what the fuck she’s been doing to her face. And yes, the general consensus was 50-CCs of Fix-A-Flat injections and a whole lot of NO, STAHP.

But the demure silicone mermaid of the Jersey Shore herself says she hasn’t touched her damn face and what you see is 100% all-natural, so STFU and leave her gorgeous melting candle face alone, haters! JWoww took to Instagram (via Daily Mail) to post a sans-fards selfie of what she claims is her real face along with the following sarcasm-dipped message to Radar:

“Very flattered radar online that u think I had all that work done but I’m just a plain jane mom with wrinkles without makeup… But kudos to u and ur site awesome material… Very riveting”

All I have to say is: HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?!!?

jwowwnatural

My brain tells me it’s JWoww, but my heart says this is an imposter. If JWoww looks like this when she’s at home, then why does she look like the Snickers lady’s long-lost daughter when she goes outside? It doesn’t make any sense! Wait a minute..no, it makes perfect sense. Either JWoww is a shape-shifting rubber-faced Werepanther (totally plasusible) or JWoww’s home is experiencing some sort of plastic surgery-based paranormal phenomenon. On the outside of the house, you look like a Botoxed mess, but once you cross the threshold, your face reverts back to its original form. Call Mulder and Scully, I think I’ve solved the mystery!

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 23, 2014 / Posted by:

The most elegant and sophisticated of all jewelery from the 90s, Friendly Plastic!

If you spent a lot of time in the early 90s at Hobby Lobby or Michaels or White Rose (“Sorry, I was too busy being cool and popular, nerd” – You), then you know that crafts in the early 90s were absolutely terrifying and insane. Mop Dolls. Sand Art. Those straw hats with dried flowers and ribbons glue-gunned around the brim that you’d hang on the wall next to a collection of hand-painted ceramic harlequin masks. But nothing could hold a hand-rolled beeswax candle to the exquisite WTF majesty of Friendly Plastic!

Friendly Plastic came in long hard bars that looked like shitty shoehorns in a variety of gorgeous colors ranging from light metallic to dark metallic, and every shade of metallic in between. You’d cut it into shapes, then throw it in some hot water or hit it with a hairdryer and work it into the shape of a puddle of projectile vomit. If you were very fancy, you’d stick on some giant plastic gems with glitter glue into your plastic barf pile, and if you were very VERY fancy, you’d make your puddle of vomit plastic large enough to attach a barrette onto the back so you could wear that shit in your hair.

Friendly Plastic was everywhere in my elementary school, but by middle school, only the teachers were still wearing that shit. Then by high school, Friendly Plastic had pretty much disappeared. But where did it go? Well, it went where all unwanted trends go: FLORIDA! You can walk into any Publix or swap meet and you’ll find at least 10 memaws still rocking Friendly Plastic puke pile pins and earrings and hair clips. And it’s better off there. Only the style vanguards of Florida can appreciate the true beauty and class of Friendly Plastic!

Pic: FriendlyPlastic.com

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Birthday Sluts

August 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Rick Springfield (65)
Jeremy Lin (26)
Skyler Gordy (28)
Annie Ilonzeh (31)
Natalie Coughlin (32)
Kobe Bryant (36)
Andrew Rannells (36)
Julian Casablancas (36)
Nicole Bobek (37)
Scott Caan (38)
Shifty Shellshock (40)
Ray Park (40)
Bone Crusher (43)
Jay Mohr (44)
Ant (47)
Wendy Pepper (50)
Charles Busch (60)
Queen Noor (63)
Shelley Long (65)
Barbara Eden (83)
Vera Miles (84)
Marian Seldes (86)

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Night Crumbs

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Rihanna sat courtside at a charity basketball game that Chris Brown played in, and if she was really feeling charitable, she should have used the force to take that levitating basketball and smack Breezy in the face – Lainey Gossip

Lena Dunham teases the 4th season of Girls by showing us that she’s reached the level of success where she can now hire someone to eat shit on a bike for her – Pajiba

“Hey sexy, you want something a little stronger? I got a couple cold brewskis back in my shed”The Deaner to every woman who came to his kids’ lemonade stand – ICYDK

It looks like the front of Tara Reid’s top has been forced to choose sides in the feud between her two titties – HuffPo

Backdoor Farrah bought a $99,770 Mercedes Benz, which means the “research” she’s doing at a Texas strip club must be going well – Reality Tea

Kim Kardashian klearly has the same korset tool in Photoshop that Khloe has – Celebitchy

Pamela Anderson serving up some classic Pammy elegance (well, as much as she can serve without a pair of stripper heels and a giant hat) – Hollywood Tuna

The Dominican Republic isn’t here for Miley Cyrus or her faux-gayelle hillbilly antics – Towleroad

If you’re going to try to bribe Canadian border officials, don’t insult them by offering backstage passes to see their country’s most shameful export – WWTDD

Those aren’t man titties on Bruce Jenner, it’s just a surplus of charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent exiting his body through his nipples – The Superficial

Here’s what 1/2 of the Pretty Little Liars chicks look like running down the middle of a highway buck-naked – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

That shiba inu who runs a Japanese convenience store could teach these lazy cats a thing or two about customer service – Jezebel

Don’t worry Vanessa Hudgens, nobody’s looking at your face when you’re wearing those fugly patent-leather Birkenstocks – Popoholic

Jackie from That 70s Show is still very very pregnant – Popsugar

Alex Trebek throws shade at one of the contestants on Jeopardy! for spending $5,000 on a camera to take pictures of his cats, which makes me throw just as much shade at Alex Trebek as the time I did when she shaved off his moustache – The Berry

But doesn’t Nathan Fillion always look like that? – SOW

Adele Dazeem does the Ice Brooket Charmingle – Just Jared

Pic: Splash

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Programming Note: I’m Going On Vacation!

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

If you replaced Kate Moss’ bikini with a lime green extra tight Speedo and replaced that lit fag (I set that joke up for you) with a straw sticking out of a margarita and replaced that yacht floating off of the coast of Formentera, Spain with a plastic lounge chair, that picture would be me next week!

The VMAs are on Sunday and the Emmys are on Monday, so it’s a WONDERFUL time to go away and check into a hotel whose WiFi might be slower than Kourtney Kardashian’s speech pattern. You can always count on me to make smart decisions. I booked this trip months ago at the same time I scheduled my endoscopy thing (which happened last week) because I figured that THE SCOPE would poke out the burping hamster stuck in my chest and then I’d be able to celebrate by drinking all the tequila. THE SCOPE didn’t poke out the burping hamster stuck in my chest, but I did read on WebMD that massive amounts of tequila cures acid reflux (or is it makes it worse? I don’t remember), so I’m going to Cancun. While there, I also plan to have a commitment ceremony with THE SCOPE that throat boned me last week. We’re really in love.

Anyway, I plan to fart up crap about the VMAs on Sunday and Monday and throw up some Emmy shit on Monday night and Tuesday. Allison will be here and J. Harvey is going to help out until Labor Day, because somebody has to make a dick cheese joke. His ass will start on Sunday. My friend and the godbitch of Hot Slut of the Day, Lahoma, is also helping me out by doing a few HSOTDs. After Tuesday, I’ll be blogging here and there. I’ll be back full-time on Labor Day so make sure you have the broken crack pipes, empty wine cooler bottles and cum stains removed from the place before then. Hmmm, on second thought, leave the cum stains. They’ll blend in with the others.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

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Open Post: Hosted By Bendadick Cumsinbatches’ Ice Bucket Challenge Video

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

People have almost died from doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge and it’s made silicone flower Pamela Anderson mad, but yet celeb whores are still doing it and they’ll keep doing it until we officially run out of water and our government has to start importing ice cold ocean water from Antarctica so celeb whores can keep doing it. When that ice cold imported ocean water runs out, they’ll find ways to keep doing it. Approximately, 4,895,789 celeb whores have done it and today, Benedict Cumberbatch became celeb whore #4,895,790 to do it. Since Bendadryl is a highly esteemed thespian and a real AC-TOR, he can’t do just a regular, boring, mundane Ice Bucket Challenge video. Benedict’s video is 2 minutes long and is filled with several scenes. It took 2 directors, 4 camera people, 1 costumer, 3 stunt doubles, 1 cinematographer, 3 caterers and a location scout to put it together. I’m surprised that at the end of it, there wasn’t a note stating that all the water was CGI’d in during post-production. It’s like the Gone with the Wind of Ice Bucket Challenge videos.

Does drool count as water? If it does, the drought over! Because while watching their alien amphibian god get splashed in the shower, his Cumberbitches drooled out gallons of drool from every orifice. The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge should become the ALS Cumberbitch Drool Challenge since we have plenty of that now.

If you can only stand to watch one more goddamn Ice Bucket Challenge video, watch Patrick Stewart doing it the way it was meant to be done.

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Stacy Keibler Had A Baby

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above letting out a post-poot laugh after dropping a pregnancy fart on her husband’s dick, Stacy Keibler birthed out the baby she made with the dude she rebounded with right after she lost her job as George Clooney’s award season escort. Being with George Clooney for so long made Stacy’s ovaries extra hungry so as soon as he pink-slipped her ass, she wrapped her vagine around the first raw dick she saw and humped it until a fetus checked into her womb. That raw dick she humped on belongs to her friend Jared Pobre. Stacy and Jared dated for three months before they made a baby together and they got married four months after that. Bitch took rebounding to the next level.

Stacy announced on her website today (via People) that she and her Mr. Peanut-looking ass husband, whose last name is a Spanish gold digger’s nightmare, are parents to a baby girl they named Ava Grace.

Jared and I have been blessed with the new love of our lives. Ava Grace Pobre was born at home on Wednesday, August 20th. We’ve never experienced a level of joy and happiness like this before! Thank you so much for all of the special wishes and positive energy.

Every time I go out in public, my friends and family refer to me as “you dumb bitch,” because the name fits and because I don’t respond to “Michael” when outside. What’s the point? Every trick is named Michael, so if I turned around every time I heard my name I’d wear out my neck muscles. Since 98% of the American population will name or has named their daughter Ava, Ava Grace Poor will soon know my pain.

Stacy says that she’s never experienced a level of “happines like this before,” but I don’t know if I’d use the word “happiness.” She should’ve used the word “awkward.” Because it was probably really weird when Baby Ava started to come out of Stacy’s body and Stacy grabbed her head while shouting, “Not today! Not today! Clooney doesn’t get married until September. You’re a month early. How am I going to steal his thunder now? Get the hell back in there!

Pic: Instagram

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JLo Says She’ll Get Married Again Because She Doesn’t “Whore Around”

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

It wasn’t that long ago that Jennifer Lopez, the come-to-life human version of a hand-puppet created by a Colorado elementary school student, called it quits with her Sid from Toy Story-looking boyfriend Casper Smart, so when she appeared on Chelsea Lately Thursday night, Chelsea Handler asked her what her game plan was for her dating future and whether or not she’d entertain the idea of getting married for a fourth time. Since her last relationship ended when her kept bitch boy toy seemed to forget who was responsible for slipping prepaid VISA cards into his wallet every night and started sneaking around with bikini models, you’d think the answer would be a big fat NO. But JLo says that when two roads diverge in the pussy woods, she’ll be taking the road less traveled by penises:

“I like being in a relationship. I’m not one to like, whore around, and stuff like that—that’s not my thing.”

I don’t really blame her; JLo has proven time and time again that she needs to start screening her tricks better. If Diddy, Ben Affleck, Cris Judd, Skeletor, and Casper Smart is the result of JLo being “selective”, then I would hate to see the kind of bottom-feeders she’d wrap her pussy lips around if she didn’t give a fuck.

But I do have a problem with her saying the words “whore around” like it’s a bad thing! Excuse you, bitch! You can’t throw shade at people who whore around if you’re guilty of Skeletor-ing around, which is a Class-4 felony when it comes to crimes against fuck parts. I think if you asked any pussy out there if they’d rather have 200 random dicks or 1 that looks like Hordak, I’m pretty sure they’d pick the 200 random dicks. I mean, I would. Hordak is scary! I don’t wanna hump a dick that looks like a skeleton bat!

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