Archives: July 2014

The First Into The Woods Trailer Is Here And Why Aren’t They Singing???!?

July 31, 2014 / Posted by:

The heads of theater queens are exploding everywhere, because the first trailer for the Disney-fied Into the Woods movie is FINALLY here, but it’s missing one sort of major thing: SINGING. There’s Meryl Streep looking like a blue-haired Sookeh in 20 years, Chris Pine with stunningly luscious blown-out Walter Mercado hair and Johnny Depp finally looking hot again and I’m only saying that because he’s covered in CGI and his nails have never looked cleaner. But there’s no hos yodeling out musical notes!

There’s just Anna Kendrick burping out “I wish” over and over again. You know what I wish? I wish you’d start singing, bitch, because this is supposed to be a musical.

And here’s a few stills in case you missed them yesterday. My abuelita wishes she had that picture of Chris Pine in the 80s to give to her stylist at the JCPenney salon, because his hair is very “grandma of the 1980s bride” and that is the hair of her dreams.

It’s A Gross Thing: Martha Stewart Calls Terry Richardson “Cute”

July 31, 2014 / Posted by:

Um, those two dogs on the left making a “This Is Not What I Signed Up For” face should really tell their Chow Chow friend, Genghis Khan II, that opening his mouth when Terry Richardson is around is never a good idea. Or maybe GK2 is silently screaming and shutting his eyes because he can’t with this mess. Probably the latter.

The woman who Blake NotSoLively will one day skin alive and wear posed for a spread in Net-A-Porter’s print magazine Porter and before the shoot, she was given a list of photographers to choose from. Fashionista (via Jezebel) says that Terry Richardson was on that list. If you were doing a shoot for Porter Magazine and they gave you a list with Uncle Terry’s name on it, you’d probably say, “Why are you giving me the National Sex Offender Registry? Give me that list of photographers!” Martha didn’t do that and out of all the photographers on the list, she went with the human chloroform rag. Either the name Terry Richardson hasn’t penetrated through the mint green bubble that Martha lives in or she figured that since she’s all out of Creme De La Mer, she might as well try a new facial cream. Porter says that after the come-to-life stock photo of a pedophile shot her, she told everyone he was “cute.” This is the reason why the Strawberry Shortcake bar I ate last night is crawling up my throat:

“It is the first time these two controversy-hounds have met but it is, like so much in Stewart’s life, no accident. After debating over a long list of photographers, America’s house-mother superior insisted that Richardson shoot her. ‘Oh, he is cute,’ she will say later, when he comes to say goodbye.”

The only thing more WTF-ish than Uncle Terry shooting Martha Stewart is Martha Stewart calling Uncle Terry “cute.” Calling Terry Richardson “cute” is like calling a hairy ass wart that a rat chewed off “adorable.” But anybody who has seen the disgusting plates of barf-covered diarrhea that Martha has tweeted knows that she’s blind when it comes to nasty crap.

And I hope that Martha thinking that Uncle Terry is cute isn’t going to lead to a more “intimate” photo shoot, because my eyeballs were not built to take in the sight of Uncle Terry’s leaky dick on Martha Stewart’s forehead.

marthauncleterryporter2

Charlize Theron’s Smart Friends Are Warning Her To Think Twice About Marrying Sean Penn

July 31, 2014 / Posted by:

I know I specified it was Charlie Theron’s smart friends who are warning her about making it legal with human-sized rectal prolapse Sean Penn, but I’m sure that even the dumbest, slowest mouth breathers in her life would be like “Damn bitch, do you need a lobotomy??”

Last week, Charlize was spotted wearing a fancy ring on THAT FINGER while strolling through the airport, and while she hasn’t commented on it (I’m sure the official statement will just be the words Oh my god and a bitchy eye-roll), most are speculating that Sean Penn got down on one brittle beef jerky knee and popped the question. But according to the National Enquirer, Charlize’s friends are nervously tugging at their collars, because they’re afraid her life will turn into a remake of Sleeping with the Enemy:

Friends are concerned that the fairy-tale romance between the “Monster” actress and the “Milk” star could lead to a nightmare marriage. In 1987, Sean was sentenced to 60 days in jail for punching a movie extra in the face numerous times on the set of “Colors.” That same year, he was also charged with domestic assault after he whacked then-wife Madonna across the head with a baseball bat. In 2012, Sean uttered an amazing understatement: “I don’t control my temper well.”

“They’re urging her to think twice before finally heading down the aisle with Sean.”

Charlize’s friends sound like they mean well, but when your friend is Stage-10 dickmatized to a raging deep-fried asshole like Sean Penn, you need to do a lot more than “urge” them to think twice about getting married. You need to book them an appointment with an old timey hypnotist who can wipe their memory clean of his angry squished nutsac of a face. And if that doesn’t work, you force her to watch Shanghai Surprise, Clockwork Orange-style, over and over and over until the mere sight of his face makes her shudder with second-hand embarrassment.

And I hope Sean Penn’s friends are also warning him to “think twice” about marrying a TGIF-hating bitch like Charlize. He does know she committed an act of extreme disrespect by hissing at 1/2 of Sister Sister, right???

Alicia Keys Is Knocked Up Again

July 31, 2014 / Posted by:

Professional Alexis Mateo impersonator Alicia Keys posted this picture of her and her husband Swizz Beatz looking like Restoration Hardware’s version of The Heart Family to Instagram last night (via UsWeekly) to announce that he’d pumped her full of jizz beatz and she caught a case of fetus fever. Alicia captioned the photo:

What in the hell is that joorey he’s wearing around his neck? He looks like a damn Dracula.

NO! She said this:

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life @therealswizzz!! And to make it even sweeter we’ve been blessed with another angel on the way!! You make me happier than I have ever known! Here’s to many many more years of the best parts of life!

Alicia Keys and Swizz Cheese have been married for four years now and already have a 3-year-old son named Egypt Daoud Dean, so I fully expect them to bring the fuckery when it comes to naming baby number two. They picked an African country for the first name and a weird spelling of a common name for the middle, so currently my money is on Libya Maolissa if it’s a girl and Djibouti Kevoin for a boy. Or maybe they’ll stick with the Egypt theme, in which case I hope they name the baby Sphinx Ankh [symbol of a guy doing this] Mummy Dean (“Oh please oh please oh please let me help you design the nursery???”Katy Perry).

Pic: Instagram

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 31, 2014 / Posted by:

This philanthropist of hotness who has been gifting the eyes of Facebook with her piping hot, extra sweet, nipple hardening dance moves! 

I don’t know if this video was shot in the 90s (But I’m pretty sure portrait mode didn’t exist in the 90s. It was a better time.) or if it was shot in current day Bushwick, but it doesn’t really matter. Because her moves, style and charisma are timeless. While looking like the 90s spit its backwash all over her, this goddess of dance Pumps Up The Jam all the way up and is the reason why Technotronic was created. She throws down moves you’ve never seen like the “mental patient on meth trying to shake out of a straitjacket” move (at the 0:02 mark), the “malfunctioning zombie robot” move (at the 0:10 mark), the “quadriplegic T-rex trying to swim as bees attack it” move (at the 0:26 mark), the “fanning my queef fumes away” move (at the 0:33 mark) and the “fanning my butt fumes away” move (at the 0:56). She looks like a gorilla who was taught the history of 90s dance moves and was asked to perform them right after her veins were injected with liquid bath salts. THIS IS DANCE!

After watching this mistress of moves, FOX has announced that they’re changing the name of “So You Think You Can Dance?” to “So You Think You Can Dance Better Than That Pump Up The Jam Girl? Well, You Can’t, But Maybe You Can Be Second Best?

via Buzzfeed

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