If you didn’t read any of the names in that headline, you’re probably really confused and wondering why Kate Gosselin circa 2006 is holding hands with Michael Stipe as they make their way to a costume party whose theme is “It Fell Out Of The Butthole Of The 80s.”
This is ScarJo and her sharp-as-all-hell fiancé and the father of her unborn baby Romain Dauriac (that’s “butchering hos with style” in French) strutting through NYC yesterday. The big story here is supposed to be that ScarJo chopped off her hair, dyed it the color of your first-of-the-morning piss and now looks like Mia Michaels. Throw a baggy apron with attached pants (those are no overalls) on her body and she looks like Mia Michaels working as a hostess at a Dexys Midnight Runners theme restaurant that floods a lot. But the real star here is her man’s ensemble. He looks like the new assistant scoutmaster of Troop Beverly Hills.
That ensemble is so wrong it’s right. That outfit is single-handedly ruining every memory you have from the 80s.
1. That hat. In the 80s, you begged and begged your parents to get you a hat like the one Boy George wore. On Christmas morning, you opened up a box and pulled out a hat that wasn’t black and wasn’t at all like Boy George’s. It was all wrong. You wore it anyway and felt like hot shit while doing so. Romain worked that hat better. The memory of your childhood in the 80s is now forever ruined.
2. That shirt. In the 80s, the grandpa you thought hated you came to visit you right after you had your tonsils taken out. He brought you ice cream, read you a story and told you he loved you. He was wearing that shirt, double pleated emerald green pants and green leather loafers. Romain worked that shirt better. The memory of your grandpa in the 80s is now forever ruined.
3. Those shorts. In the 80s, your mom had to come pick you up from summer camp early, because your weak ass was really homesick and caught a little bit of food poisoning. When she got out of the car, you ran toward her, hugged her and accidentally barfed on her shorts. She was wearing those shorts. She told you not to worry about it since she was planning to donate those shorts because they made her crotch look like Jabba the Hutt’s armpit vagina. Romain worked those shorts better. The memories of summer camp, Jabba the Hutt and your mom in the 80s are now forever ruined.
I still have a few of my clothes from the 80s, but I’m going to burn them all now. Because every time I pull out my acid wash jean vest, I’m going to say to myself, “Ugh, ScarJo’s man can work this better.”