Katy Perry Says She Doesn’t Cultural Appropriate, She Cultural Appreciates

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

After boring us all into a coma last month with human chloroform-soaked rag Lana Del Zzzzz, Rolling Stone decided to violently shake our asses awake by putting a migraine-triggering Katy Perry on the cover this month. I wasn’t entirely sold on the whole “90s Claire’s sale rack realness” until I saw those gorgeous squared-off French tip acrylics she has on her fingers. Exquisite porn star blow job nails are always the look.

But for those of you looking at Katy’s nails and that choker made from anal beads like “I see this bitch has resorted to snatching at porn star culture now”, Katy Perry would like you to know she’s not blatantly ripping off shit because she’s a clueless middle-class white chick from Santa Barbara. She’s ripping off Egypt and Geishas because she appreciates shit at a deeper level. Like when she dressed up her backup dancers as Nicki Minaj-looking mummies; they weren’t supposed to be hoochie mamas, they were an homage to surgery-obsessed Beverly Hills-types:

“As far as the mummy thing, I based it on plastic surgery. Look at someone like Kim Kardashian or Ice-T’s wife, Coco. Those girls aren’t African-American. But it’s actually a representation of our culture wanting to be plastic, and that’s why there’s bandages and it’s mummies. I thought that would really correlate well together… It came from an honest place. If there was any inkling of anything bad, then it wouldn’t be there, because I’m very sensitive to people.”

Although she understands that some people took offense to it, so from now on, she’ll only do white people things, like wearing Tevas and pouring ranch dressing on everything:

“I guess I’ll just stick to baseball and hot dogs, and that’s it. I know that’s a quote that’s gonna come to fuck me in the ass, but can’t you appreciate a culture? I guess, like, everybody has to stay in their lane? I don’t know.”

And it doesn’t matter that you think she’s a sloppy copycat, because Katy Perry says Katy Perry is the hardest working bovine in the business:

“Every show day, from the moment I wake up, it’s just prep for that night. It’s like I’m a Kobe beef cow.”

But one thing she isn’t ready to culturally appropriate just yet is mom jeans and pregnancy farts, because she’s too busy playing dress-up to catch a case of fetus fever:

“I want to be doing that in the right time. And that’s not in the next two years, you know? Maybe it’s in a five-year plan, but I need to really be able to focus 100 percent of my attention on it. I don’t really want to take the child on tour. Not until, like, birth through five is over.”

I’m glad Katy doesn’t want to take a baby on tour, because I can’t imagine how confused that baby would be. “So, is my mom the Cleopatra-looking one, or the pastel LSD fairy, or the budget Hot Topic Catra? Where’s the one who shoots whipped cream from her tits? I want that one. Baby’s hungry.”

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