Growing Up Pretty Was Hard: The Kate Upton Edition

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Let’s all put our money together and hire a bunch of wailing women to cry for Kate Upton, because when the poor thing was a kid she suffered from a severe disability called being pretty. Before Kate Upton used her huge tits and looks to make millions upon millions of dollars, she was just a regular Florida farm girl whose prettiness was an “inconvenience.” (“Inconvenience?!  You’d think the prettiest cow in the farm would get all the attention and be saved from the slaughter house every time.” – Carol Alt)

Kate Upton, the future chairwoman of the We Survived Being Pretty Foundation, tells Elle UK (via E!) that she was always pretty, but when she was a girl, being pretty hurt her rather than helped her. That isn’t the only thing that will pull at your eye rolling muscle. Kate also said that she’d happily give up all her millions and fame to go back to living a simple life on the farm. The Anna Nicole of this generation (sans charisma, smarts and a hot side kick like Assistant Kimmy) spit out these dingles to Elle UK:

On growing up pretty: “Living on a farm, beauty doesn’t get you anywhere. Because I was pretty didn’t mean I could convince my sister to do my chores. It was kind of inconvenient to be pretty, growing up.”

On how money means nothing to her: “I feel like I’m rich because I love my family and friends. I love my horse and my dog. I would be fine leaving all of this behind and living on a farm somewhere.”

On how she thanked God when her gigantic chichis popped up on her chest: “I was really excited about becoming a woman. Because I’m from Florida, it’s all about being in bathing suits. It’s a different view of beauty there. You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body. And I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought, ‘Yessss!’ And then people say, ‘Oh, wow, you’re healthy.’ And you’re like, ‘Wait – what?’ I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!’”

Inconvenient” doesn’t mean what Kate Upton thinks it means, but I’ll give her a pass. During that interview, words and definitions got mixed up in that empty helium tank head of hers, because she was really frazzled from reliving the traumatic experience of growing up pretty. Those of us who were awkward, homely and a mess as kids looked at the pretty, white girls and figured they had it good. We were not only wrong to judge, but we were flat-out wrong. They had it worse! That Twilight Zone episode is real. Thank you, Kate Upton, for bringing this taboo subject to the surface. Kate Upton is so brave and so courageous. #NotAllPrettyGirls

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