Because the only thing that comes out of San Diego Comic-Con are either pictures of Z-listers dressed up in janky superhero costumes or movie trailers, here’s the official trailer for Mad Max: Fury Road, starring a buff-as-shit Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron looking like the broken condom baby of Lori Petty and The Terminator, and a two-headed lizard. Obviously, my favorite part was the lizard. What’s that lizard’s story? How did it get two heads? Is he related to the Geico lizard? Is the lizard Mad Max’s sassy two-headed sidekick? These are the important questions.
I have no idea how the nerds reacted when they saw this trailer, but Mad Max: Fury Road looks like both a damn mess (bad) and an amazing shit show (good). First of all, all that black makeup on Charlize’s forehead makes her look like what I imagine Teresa Giudice will look like 3 weeks into her prison sentence if her cellmate refuses to smuggle her in some Nair. It’s gorgeous. And a big round of applause for Lindsay Lohan, who was clearly the source material for the production designer. From the thick layer of toxic orange grime that’s coating everything to the dusty all-white dudes who looked like roided-up coke boogers, I truly felt like I was trapped inside Blohan’s left nostril. Well done.
My only issues are with the following:
1. Nowhere in that trailer do I see Tom Hardy snuggling a dog. Do dogs no longer exist in future Mad Max times?
2. WHERE IN SWEET SASSY BARTERTOWN IS TINA TURNER?!?! You can’t leave out the hottest Fraggle-haired ho from the Mad Max franchise. Without Tina Turner, who will sing the power ballad to Mad Max: Fury Road, which I assume is called: “We Don’t Need Another Hero, But Hollywood Is Running Out Of Ideas, So Here’s The Follow-Up To Beyond The Thunderdome That No One Asked For”.