Oh the trials and tribulations of a jealous toddler. Justin Bieber is apparently pouting in his treehouse with a Wizards of Waverly Place doll because he thinks Selena Gomez has replaced his bratty ass. According to UK’s Star (via Radar), Justin doesn’t really care that Selena might be humping on Jessica Szohr’s former fuck buddy; he’s actually more upset that she’s spending so much time with well-known coochie wrangler and model Cara Delevingne. A insider claims that Justin’s Fisher-Price Chatter Telephone hasn’t taken a break since Cara entered the picture, because that nosy little toddler is spending his nap times ringing her up and bitching her out for attempting to take his place as Selena’s butchy blonde tatted-up kewpie doll-looking bottom bitch:
“Justin has called Cara on more than one occasion, wanting to know what’s going on. It’s been clear that he’s had a drink beforehand, too.”
Today’s image of greatness comes from that wonderful insider, who just made me picture a surly Justin Bieber sitting in the dark in a Blue’s Clues chair, swirling sizzurp in a brandy snifter and hissing into the phone: “WHORE! You’re nothing but bushy-eyebrowed British TRASH! She doesn’t love you!“, then slamming the receiver down and screaming “YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, SELENA!”
That bratty skidmark is probably just pissed off that Selena managed to find a prettier version of him. Cara has nicer hair, better abs, softer skin, is potty trained, orders off the adult menu when they go out to restaurants, doesn’t get scared when she hears thunder. Hell, I’m sure she could grow a better moustache if she tried (if she needs any tips on managing facial hair, she could probably call up her ex, Michelle Rodriguez, who seems to know her way around a beard situation).
Here’s more of a sans-Cara Selena strolling around Hollywood looking like both a budget Vanessa Hudgens and a high-end Kylie Jenner. No, you’re right – comparing her to the Marla Hooch-looking Jenner is incorrect; Selena is obviously more of a Betty Spaghetti: