Zoe Saldana Would Like To Thank The Media For Invading Her Privacy By Reporting About The Babies In Her Womb

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Anybody with the sense of sight who has seen recent pictures of Zoe Saldana could see that her body is currently leasing out space to a growing fetus who will hopefully inherit its father’s stunningly, luscious mane. So most of us let out a collective “duuuuuurrrrr” when UsWeekly said that Zoe Saldana has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! and we even “meh’d” when E! News said that two babies checked into her uterus. UsWeekly was basically just stating the obvious. But Zoe Saldana is disgusted and grossed out by the media violating her life by reporting a piece of information that her publicist probably gave them so she’d get attention days before her big summer movie comes out. How dare they! Zoe slapped at the media on Twitter yesterday and quoted former Polish President Lech Walesa while doing so.

Since we’re on the subject of “thank yous,” lets all give thanks to Zoe Saldana.

My stomach would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating it and bringing it pain by making me laugh so goddamn hard when she starred in totally natural and not-at-all choreographed photo-op pictures with noted beard whisperer Bradley Cooper.

Nina Simone’s daughter would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating her wishes by doing blackface to play her mother.

The entire wig industry would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating them and making them look bad by wearing that busted, 2 cent Rosemary’s Baby wig.

And finally, I’d like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating my eyeballs in a good way by introducing them to her hipster Fabio-like husband who could make my nipples pass out by flipping his gorgeous hair in the wind. Thank you, fucking Zoe Saldana!

Here’s some pictures from last night’s London premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy including some of Zoe Saldana’s fetus dome. But don’t look at it! Don’t look at the bump that’s obviously grow growing babies in it. Don’t look at it and shut your trash mouth, we’re not supposed to talk about it!

Pics: Wenn.com

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