Here’s our new Henry Cavill and Kaley Cuckoo gently and delicately kissing each other in front of a pap at Miami International Airport yesterday. After getting on a flight from LAX, Joe ManJello and Sofia Vergara walked outside, stood on the marked X on the sidewalk where their PR whores told them to stand and stuck with the script by softly touching each other’s lips. The Hell kind of choreographed kiss is that?! Joe and Sofia are supposed to make genitals explode and bring on a panty pudding tsunami with their joint hotness and that’s how they kiss in front of the paps? That is the soft, cold, wet dick of kisses.
I want to travel back in time to yesterday, take my ass to the Miami International Airport, find the van that Sofia’s PR bitch is in, take away the walkie they’re using to feed instructions into the earpiece she’s wearing and scream at her to wrap her tongue around Joe’s entire head, suck his tonsils out with her mouth, rip his clothes off with her bare teeth, rip a hole in the crotch of her jeans with her nails, mount him and then bone him until his dick falls off. Then after his dick falls off, she needs to pull it out of her, sew it back onto his crotch with help from the sewing kit in her purse and bone him some more. That’s the proper and natural way to show “love” to Joe ManJello after getting off of a long flight. Instead they’re giving us this weak, lovey dovey bullshit.
Joe’s delicately kissing her the same way he’d kiss a fragile abuelita on the forehead and she’s holding onto her phone instead of holding onto his peen. There’s something seriously wrong with that picture. Sell it harder, whores! Do it with FEELING.