Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy, and for some reason Zoe Saldana showed up wearing one of Jane Fonda’s old high-waisted workout thongs over a sequinned skirt. I’m so confused. Doesn’t she know that if you’re going to wear a rib-grazing throwback thong, you need to give it the attention it deserves? Maybe you wear it over a pair of thick brown Hooters girl tights, but that’s it. Besides, a pair of high-waisted coochie-stranglers aren’t a fashion statement; they’re a symbol. A symbol that represents the Van Halen groupies and Daytona Beach strippers and the 90s beer commercial girls and all the other glamorous raunchy sluts across this great nation. Show some respect for your foreskanks, Zoe! Even Miley Cyrus knows that a front wedgie (NSFW-ish) is an honor and a privilege.
But I will say this – I do enjoy that if you cover the top half of her body and her legs, it looks like a t-bone steak that Liberace would order (“Extra glitter with a side of pizzazz, please”).
Here’s more of Zoe making the questionable decision to wear her underwear on the outside of her clothes but her bra underneath at the GotG premiere last night. Also there was former-pudding bodied hottie Chris Pratt with his muscle-hating wife Anna Faris, a very Tom Cruise-looking Bradley Cooper, and Vin Diesel, who must have huffed the exhaust fumes from his limo on the way there, because he was serving some wasted uncle at the family reunion realness.