Goopy Paltrow is slumped over the solid marble bathtub in the middle of her bedroom and weeping into a hand cut crystal vial held by her nighttime maid (she can sell that vial for $56,000 on GOOP), because her reign as the most pretentious blonde twat with the most insufferable lifestyle blog is in danger now that Blake NotSoLively’s highly-anticipated (by no one) site has finally arrived on the scene.
After months and months of telling everyone about her totally original, one-of-a-kind lifestyle blog for people who crave a curated life (read: assholes), the humanized drop of tap water on a white paper cup has launched Preserve.us. Blake didn’t get a dot com, because dot coms are for Volkaswagen-driving, Trader Joe’s-shopping, Old Navy-wearing mainstream regulars and Preserve is for unique souls who take the off-beaten path through a lavender field to a giant pear tree where they’ll strung a homemade banjo they bought from an old blind man in the Tennessee mountains while their fedora-wearing boyfriend feeds them goat cheese he made himself. Preserve is basically a Portlandia skit come to life.
The design of Preserve (which sadly isn’t a blog about jams) is all black, beige and squiggly. It looks like an artisanal shit that came out of a hipster’s ass after he ate Anthropologie. On the front page of that artisanal skid mark is a video about dreams (or some shit), a Tumblr-esque article about sundaes that makes me heave (and anything involving sundaes shouldn’t make a ho heave, that’s illegal) and some drooly stuff about a tattooed ginger hipster. There’s also an editor’s letter and at first I didn’t think that Blake actually wrote that mess, but it’s obvious that it came from her brain since it reads like something a 12-year-old wrote on their LiveJournal in 2000. I’m not going to post the whole letter, because it’s long, but these two lines sum it up perfectly:
I am hungry, though… not just for enchiladas.
I’m hungry for experience.
And now I’m hungry for enchiladas, because I need to cleanse my palate of Preserve.
Preserve wouldn’t be a GOOP knock-off if it didn’t sell overpriced shit, so Blake is selling all sorts of crap like a $7 bottle of ketchup, a $70 “everyday” bowl and an $18 spoon that’s described like this:
There is hardly a more fitting place for a subtly suggestive hint than the bowl of a vintage silver plated spoon. A request for the very love act named for its curvature is hand engraved here in an innocent old-time typewriter font. In case there was any question, a tiny heart seals the deal. Food useable, this special bit of flatware is a constant reminder to cuddle up.
Who ever wrote that shit forgot to throw in a line about how that spoon is the perfect spoon to smoke basil honey-infused crack off of since that’s what they did before writing that description.
And on that note, it was nice hating on you, GOOP, but there’s a new messy lifestyle blog to hate!