Paris Hilton Did An Interview, Because Apparently There Are Still People Who Care About Paris Hilton
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I guess news in the UK is slower than the lazy eye of a slow-moving skank, because The Telegraph has published an interview they did with world-famous DJ and former clinic-famous human crotch rash Paris Hilton. The interview was conducted by Helena de Bertodando, aka the shady cunt who carried around a newspaper clipping for nine years so she could call out Emily Blunt to her face. Sadly, Helena never whips out a copy of 1 Night in Paris and asks her to take us back to the glory years of 2004. Instead she just lets Paris free-associate and spit out a rancid Heiress-scented Valtrex cloud of nonsense.
A deluded trick with only two barely-working brain cells had an awful lot to say, so it’s all after the cut.
On how being a stupid spoiled whore isn’t actually the real Paris:
“The princess Barbie [image] is a fun character but in real life I’m very chill and down-to-earth normal.”
On how she’s really good at pressing buttons in iTunes:
“I killed it. I feel like DJs are the new rock stars.”
On how you can make a lot of money selling cheap perfume that smells like a sick cat took a piss on a pile of crusty panties:
“We’ve done over $1.8 billion in sales [on my fragrances]. I have 16 other product lines [including] clothing, sunglasses, shoes, lingerie, swimwear, eyelashes, nails, my own motorcycle team, dog clothes… I have 60 Paris Hilton stores that carry all my products.”
On how she wanted to give people the option of sleeping somewhere more shameful than a filthy bench at the bus station, so she opened her own hotel:
“It’s called Paris, not Hilton, just me. Because I don’t want people to think it’s my family’s. It’s mine.”
On how you can put a smile on Paris’s face by calling her a skanky Squidward-looking wonk-eyed mouth breathing tramp:
“If people want to be mean, that’s their problem. It used to be really hurtful. I would call and cry to my mom all the time, but now I just laugh.”
On how she didn’t actually set the gold standard for famewhoring sluts everywhere by releasing her own sex tape:
“If I was going to do something like that I would look hot. I looked gross in that video.”
On how the only babies she plans on holding are ones given to her from random strangers and not any that fell from her open sewer cooter:
“I wouldn’t have time right now… I’m only in LA maybe 20 per cent of the time.”
On proving that astrology is total bullshit:
“We [Aquarians] are social butterflies, humanitarians, geniuses: Einstein was one.”
So if you’ve ever wondered what years of jizz-rot will do to a brain of a has-been, now you know. Apparently, you get a little less famous, but a lot more delusional. There must be a scientific formula for that. X = (delusion x trash) – √2005 (vacant + slut).
Here’s more of DJ Dumb Skank Barbie at Chris Brown’s charity kick ball game in Glendale last night chatting with the half-sisters of her old barnacle. Aw, it’s a real shame the Marla Hooch one doesn’t know as much about baseball as her namesake, otherwise she’d have known to tell PMK that it’s impossible to run the bases in hooker boots.