Adam Levine Is Somebody’s Husband Now

July 20, 2014 / Posted by:

A strange thing happened in Mexico yesterday. Adam Levine didn’t pick up one of his fiancee’s bridesmaids, do her in the bathroom and leave Behati Prinsloo on the altar before texting her these words, “Sorry, babe, found new coochie.” Adam Levine actually went through with it and married Victoria’s Secret model Behati Prinsloo at Flora Farms in Los Cabos, Mexico. Well, I guess Adam feels like the divorce rates aren’t high enough, so he’s doing his part to change that.

After being engaged for a year, the 35-year-old douche bottle full of lukewarm smugness married the 24-year-old South African panties model in front of 300 guests including Robert Downey Jr., Jonah Hill, Jason Segel, Coco Rocha, Candice Swanepoel and his Maroon 5 bandmates. ROBERT DOWNEY JR.?!!!! I know RDJ has been sober for a billion years, but reading about him being a guest at Adam Levine’s wedding makes me want to ask him, “Bitch, are you snorting up the bad shit again?” UsWeekly says that Behati’s bridesmaids were mostly Victoria’s Secret models, because Adam wanted a potential rebound close by in case he got cold feet. Behati wore a dress made for her by Marchesa and she and Adam asked their guests to give a donation to The Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles instead of giving them an ice cream maker they’ll never use. E! News has more riveting details:

Wedding festivities began Friday night, when 100 guests were shuttled from their hotel to El Dorado for a party on the beach that was set up in front of Mike Meldman’s home, a source told E! News exclusively.

Casually dressed attendees mingled at a large bar and relaxed with margaritas and wine. There was also lounge furniture situated on the beach, along with small tee pees for additional seating. Tables were adorned with red flowers, and once it got dark, candles and white twinkle lights were glowing.

But more importantly, Stevie Nicks was there as a “special guest” and she performed. The answer to the question, “WHY, STEVIE, FOR WHY???“, is probably, “Because she’s a mentor on The Voice and friends with Adam.” But if the real answer is, “Because she needs a check and that mortgage payment on her vacation house is due,” then Stevie should know that if she ever needs cash, she should just beg her fans for some on Kickstarter. It’s less embarrassing than performing at Adam Levine’s first pre-divorce ceremony.

But bitterness aside, congratulations to Adam Levine on getting his first wife, congratulations to divorce lawyers in the L.A. area who might have a new client in the near future and congratulations to Behati Prinsloo who I’m hoping married his ass without a prenup. And a pre-congratulations to the Instagram model who will one day soon make a quick dollar from The National Enquirer when she sells the pictures of Adam’s peen that he texted her before they boned in his dressing room at The Voice. Congratulations to them all!

IMPORTANT UPDATE THAT I’M SURE YOU CARE ABOUT: Here’s some pictures of Nina Agdal, the piece that Adam Levine dumped through a text message after he got engaged to Behati, crying onto the shoulder of some hot piece in Miami on Adam’s wedding day.

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