I used to work in an advertising office (don’t ask me if I was the Joan, I was more like the Meredith) and every summer, people used to take out their brains, pack them into storage, and sing “See yoooou in September”. It was practically company policy that nobody did any damn work till Labor Day. And it looks like everyone at Vogue does the same thing! Nothing says “I’ve spent the past 4 weeks getting day drunk at my desk” like putting The Tepid Tapwater Princess Blake Lively on the cover of Vogue.
Know how else I can tell everyone stopped giving a fuck on July 1st? That color! There’s too much of it! Blake has NEVER looked that lively. Thankfully I was able to get my hands on the original:
That’s MUCH better, except I can see why they airbrushed out the oatmeal. It’s hard to focus on Blake when that exciting bowl of lukewarm oats is hogging all of the attention.
Blake has a lot to say, so it’s all after the cut.
Because Vogue is officially the bible for basic bitches, it’s mandatory that Bland Lively appear as many times a year as possible. Lucky for them, she ACTUALLY has something to promote this time. That’s right, Vogue gave Blake the August issue so she could talk about her lifestyle website Preserve, and how it’s NOTHING like GOOP, even though they’re both blogs written by basic boring rich WASP-y yellow-haired American actresses:
Lively is quick to point out that she is “not trying to show you the perfect life or the aspirational life. It’s real life. It’s the thing that blindsides you on an idle Tuesday that’s tragic but that also makes you who you are. It’s not about me. And it’s not about watching my journey of learning how-to, it’s about me sharing that with you so we all sort of learn together.”
You hear that? It’s real life! Like hand-crafting a tragic rustic tart from inspirational artisanal peaches and rare raw lavender honey collected from the organic beehives in your backyard. You know, a typical Tuesday night. Are you not so excited?!? Blake’s BFF Ivanka Trump sure is!
“I am really excited about it,” says Ivanka Trump, another willowy workaholic who knows a thing or two about brand extension. “Through curation, storytelling, nurturing creativity, she’s really sharing another side of herself with a much larger audience…Her ability to story-tell is something that she’s clearly cultivated since childhood.”
Ah yes, who could forget the classic storytelling of The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. Of course, Blake couldn’t do it alone (Blake strikes me as the type that has trouble doing a lot of things on her own). She admits that Ryan Reynolds is basically the Anna Wintour of Preserve:
“He’s a part of it because everything we do in life we do together. If I’m working on a movie, he helps me with my character; I do the same with him. Picking out a coffee table. What we’re going to eat. He’s a beautiful writer—he’s written a lot of stuff for us. And he’s got a great barometer and he knows me, so he will tell me if it’s not as good as it can be.”
But if only there was some way she could sum-up just how bad Preserve will be in a few words:
“I like things that have a fairy-tale aspect, but with a sinister twist.”
You did it Blake!
Here’s more of Blake in Vogue looking like the den mother of Boy’s Ranch and trying to avoid getting eaten by a dog. It’s not the dog’s fault! She’s so white and bland, it thinks she’s a rawhide bone.