On Wednesday night, Drake hosted the ESPY Awards (who won? Basketball won, I dunno) and even though he’s no longer rolling around the halls of Degrassi High, he still managed to bring the bitchy high school drama. During an original song titled “Honorable Mentions/Side Pieces”, Wheelchair Jimmy yanked on his emergency brake and left a set of skid marks all over Macklemore’s Grammy win for Best Rap Album by singing “Real talent doesn’t always win championships, like real music doesn’t always win Grammys” as a giant picture of Macklemore was projected behind him.
No, you didn’t fall into a time suck: the Grammys happened six fucking months ago, and Wheelchair Jimmy already threw a bunch of shade at Macklemore back in February. And I was fine with it then, but not now; Drake has NO RIGHT calling anyone out while wearing a pair of linen capri pants and a floaty casual tunic from Chico’s. Drake looks like he’s auditioning for the lead role in a Nancy Meyers movie. Bitch looks like a human hot flash.
Thankfully Drake dried his tears long enough to film a sketch with Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers called “Drake vs Blake (or Blake vs Drake)”, which was funny for the first 2 minutes and 4 seconds, but then Chris Brown’s ugly malnourished weasel mug popped into frame and I stopped laughing:
Chris Brown was pretending to be a surgeon who was about to operate on Drake. Makes sense – he’s a pro at putting people in the hospital.
And RIP to Normal Guy Dave, because the second Drake described Blake Griffin as looking like “a black guy that jumped into a pile of Cheetos”, Britney Spears told him she’s found someone new and began frantically searching the internet for a giant net and the location of the Clippers locker room.