Lana Del Rey Doesn’t Want Anyone To Listen To Her Music

July 16, 2014 / Posted by:

“Can someone crush up a handful of speed into some Meow Mix? I’ve already snorted 8 kitty-sized lines of coke, but I’m having a real hard time staying awake here, you guys” – that cat.

Heavily-sedated professional karaoke girl Lana Del Rey gave an interview for Rolling Stone (I guess they’re trying to break into the lucrative sleep disorder clinic waiting room market). Even though Rolling Stone named her “the saddest, baddest diva in rock”, she must be aware that everyone else calls her “drowsy filler-faced human molasses”, because she drooled out that she doesn’t care that you don’t appreciate her monotone moans. They’re not for you, they’re for Lana Del Rey:

I just don’t want them to hear it at all. I’m very selfish. I make everything for me, kind of. I mean, every little thing, down to the guitar and the drums. It’s just for me… I don’t want them to hear it and think about it. It’s none of their business!”

She also threw shade at the haters who thought her now-infamous SNL performance was about as exciting as an ASMR video and told their agents to forward all her calls to voicemail:

“It wasn’t dynamic, but it was true to form. Everyone I knew suddenly wasn’t so sure about me. They were like, ‘Maybe I don’t want to be associated with her – not a great reputation.'”

Rolling Stone also asked Lana Del Dumb about the time she told The Guardian that she wished she was dead, then tried to deny it, then tried to blame the interviewer:

“Well, I feel fucking crazy. But I don’t think I am. People make me feel crazy. I find that most people I meet figure I kind of want to kill myself anyway. So, it comes up every time.”

However, Lana did prove that she’s at least a little self-aware, because she asked Rolling Stone the same question we’re all asking ourselves: WHY ARE WE STILL TRYING TO MAKE LANA DEL REY HAPPEN?!?

“I’m not sure if they should run this story… I feel like maybe we should wait until there’s something good to talk about. You know? I just wish you could write about something else. There has to be someone else to be the cover story. Like, there has to be. Anybody.”

Literally. Anybody. Did nobody look in the lunchroom first? I would have picked up an issue with a half-eaten turkey sub on the cover. Then again, that’s not saying much, since turkey subs are extremely relevant to my interests.

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