No, you don’t need to double-check what today’s date is on the calendar; W Magazine did, in fact, make an Austin Powers “Yeah, baby!” joke in 2014. I just got very sad.
Mila “Don’t Ask Me About My Pregnancy” Kunis is in this months W Magazine talking about, what else, her pregnancy. But also about her relationship with human pair of crusty-crotched Hollister boxer briefs Ashton Kutcher. Specifically, how she never wanted to get married, but changed her mind after getting douchematized by Ashton’s vinegar-scented penis:
“I never wanted to get married. From the age of 12, I prepared my parents for no marriage. Then things changed—I found the love of my life. Now my theory on weddings is: Don’t invite anyone. Do it privately and secretly. My parents are okay with that. They’re just excited that I said yes.”
Then, in a move that should have made the interviewer pick up the phone and place a collect call to the hospital from Girl, Interrupted, Mila admitted that out of every Tiger Beat poster she could have torn out and taped up on her bedroom wall, she picked the dry turkey sandwich from Dude, Where’s My Car?:
“We all get movie star crushes. I’m marrying mine.”
Damn, that’s embarrassing as hell, but I’m in no position to throw shade; I had a movie star crush on the guy who played Peter Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie, which seemed pretty fucking embarrassing until I hit up IMDB and discovered he’s now a producer for Bad Girls All-Star Battle. So for those of you side-eyeing Mila for crushing on the asshole from My Boss’s Daughter, just remember that there’s always a chance Ashton Kutcher could redeem himself by working on high art like a Bad Girls Club spin-off. PS – call me if you need a date to the Emmys, Peter Brady!
Here’s more of Mila looking like one of Don Draper’s Season 7 side pieces in W: