Nicolas Cage Is A Grandpa Now

On July 1st, crazy-faced insanity weasel Nicolas Cage walked into Walgreens, picked up the big bag of Werther’s Originals and one of those wooden beaded car seat covers, tried to pay for his $20 purchase with a handful of 200-year-old Prussian thalers, then drove his 1965 gold-plated Coupe DeVille through the locked gates of his local lawn bowling club, where he proceeded to rip off his shirt, crush butterscotch hard candies into his chest hair, and scream “I AM ONE OF YOU NOW!”.

I’m sure you’re thinking: “So?? Isn’t that what Nic Cage does every day?”, but on this particular day, he was celebrating the birth of his grandson. On July 1st, Nicolas Cage’s equally-crazy son Weston Cage and his wife Danielle became the parents to a baby boy they named Lucian Augustus Coppola Cage. A rep for Weston (so, basically Weston?) told Us Weekly that the baby was born at 3:14pm, that he’s named after Nic’s dad August Cage, and that he came out wearing smudged black eyeliner and giving the sign of the horns. I might have made that last part up, but until I see photographic evidence that it didn’t, I’m choosing to believe newborn Lucian Cage moshed out of Danielle’s uterus to Lamb of God. Prove he didn’t, Weston Cage!

And I can’t wait for 10 years from now when Nicolas Cage is a little older and very much crazier, and he decides to re-create the “Me and Julio” scene from The Royal Tenenbaums. But instead of go-karts and shoplifting chocolate milk, he’ll be teaching little Luci how to put a rattlesnake in a sleeper hold and where to find the best peyote.