In order to look convincing as a Seal Team Six super soldier in Zero Dark Thirty and super space soldier Star-Lord in the upcoming film Guardians of the Galaxy (I could have just written “Nerd nerd in comic book nerd nerd” and it would have meant the same thing, right?) Chris Pratt had to retire his voluptuous vanilla pudding body and replace it with that of a roided-up gym rat. And since the superficial whores of Hollywood get a boner for oiled-up xylophone abs, Chris confessed to Glamour UK (via Belflast Telegraph) that even though his wife, Anna Faris, likes humping a human pillow, he might keep his new super-ripped body around because it’s getting him better work:
“I think I was a little naive when I first started acting, maybe ten years ago, and didn’t quite realise the impact the way you look has on the people who are making casting decisions. I thought for a while I was going to find a career playing the fat friend, and that was totally fine – it keeps you from waiting tables.”
“But doing Zero Dark Thirty opened my eyes to the idea that I could be taken more seriously as a leading man character and so I thought I’d try that. But who knows, maybe this will be the last movie I’ll be in shape for and then I’ll get fat again. My wife would appreciate it. She likes me fat.”
And Iiiiiiii don’t blaaaame her! It’s not exactly a secret that I get the vapours for bacon-stuffed butter bodies, so “Would you hit it?” doesn’t even begin to cover the feelings I have for this picture of a pre-ripped Chris Pratt. I’d hit it (with some Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce), wrap it in a can of Pillsbury crescent dough, and cancel my plans for the next 4 days. Yes, B-cup moobs with weird Skittle-sized nipples and all. My down-lows give the thumbs up to a body that looks like a mattress stuffed with marshmallows and cookie dough. And for those of you wondering “Ew, even Jonah Hill?”, the answer is a very shameful yes (acknowledge your demons).