“We all co-sign that.” – the world
Many mothers would jump out of their coochies and freak out if they were about to become George Clooney’s mother-in-law, because they’d get to party in Lake Como, do bong hits with Brad Pitt and suck tequila shots off of Rande Gerber’s tit. But Amal Alamuddin’s mom Baria Alamuddin isn’t excited and thinks her successful human-rights lawyer daughter is marrying down by getting with Booker from Roseanne. Whenever Baria sees George Clooney, she makes the same disgusted “Look at the low-class trash my kid dragged in” face that a boyfriend’s mother throws at me when I meet her for the first time.
A source tells The Daily Mail that it’s not really about George Clooney being George Clooney. Amal is a born and raised Druze and her family is really respected in the Druze community. Baria really wants her daughter to marry a Lebanese Druze man instead of a Catholic trick from Kentucky. Druze aren’t supposed to marry non-Druze, so when Amal breaks the planet by marrying George Clooney sometime this Fall, she’ll be kicked out of her religion. The source said this:
“You would think Amal has hit the jackpot with George Clooney, but Baria is not happy. She thinks Amal can do better. She has been telling half of Beirut, in fact anyone that will listen, there are five hundred thousand Druze. Are none of them good enough for her?”
The Mail (where I get all my religious information from) also says that the Druze people are so serious about their own marrying outside of their religion that if a Druze marries a non-Druze, they will spit on that ho and cut them off the same way I’ll cut off one of my family members if I catch them genuinely enjoying an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians while sober. Last year, the male relatives of a Druze woman chopped off the dick of the non-Druze man she married and Amal’s family joked that the same thing is going to happen to George.
“There have a been a few jokes in the family about the same thing happening to George!”
Since Amal is dating one of the most seasoned man sluts in Hollywood, she’s as much of a Druze as I am a Catholic. But really, it would be truly tragic if Amal’s family Christ Bear’d George Clooney at the wedding, because then he’d really, really have a hard time making the kids he doesn’t want. Wait a minute, I see George’s grand plan now!