I Thought Small Children Were Required To Wear A Life Jacket?

July 4, 2014 / Posted by:

Maybe I need to brush up on my boating safety, but it was my understanding that any child under 90 lbs or 12 years of age was required by law to wear a PFD with one of those foam headrest things and a crotch belt. Then again, would it even matter? The rules don’t apply to Caillou’s spoiled Stratford cousin Justin Bieber. Forget wearing a life jacket, I bet it was difficult enough getting him to wear his Little Swimmers.

It looks like Justin Bieber is spending Independence Day chartering the S.S. Douchecanoe around Miami. Since I’m a maple-dipped dum-dum, I don’t know much about Independence Day, but what I’ve pieced together from beer commercials and Jeopardy! is that July 4th is the day Benjamin Franklin dumped several crates of tea into Boston Harbour and then got into a fist-fight with Uncle Sam. Then Betsey Ross (who I think is George Washington’s daughter?) made the American flag, and also something about a guy named Yankee Candle Dandy and flying a kite in a thunderstorm? Anyways, what I’m trying to get at is that I have no idea if you’re supposed to celebrate Independence Day in your underwear on a rented boat surrounded by bodyguards and budget Kardashian-looking call girls like Justin Bieber has chosen to do, but it seems about right to me.

Here’s more of Justin Bieber celebrating America’s Birthday (I think??) on a boat with some hoes. In the event they aren’t hookers (they are, but whatever, let’s pretend), that one in the red mesh swimsuit needs to take a good look in the mirror and ask herself why in the hell would she spend a day hanging out with Justin Bieber in taped-up nipples for free?? And don’t say it was for the booze; for $0 she could have gotten drunk in Mr. Turtle the backyard without torturing her nipple bumps with electrical tape. Rip off that tape and set your nipples free, bitch! It’s America Day! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Pics: Splash

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