Jewel And Her Real-Life Cowboy Husband Are Calling It Quits

July 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Maybe it’s all the BBQ maple leaves I ate yesterday, but that hat sort of looks like a friendly penis stingray.

Former homeless Alaskan folk singer and current owner of some serious Magic Eye tittiesJewel, has confirmed in a blog post published Wednesday (TIL: Jewel has a blog) that after 16 years together, she and her professional bull riding husband Ty Murray are getting divorced. Damn, if a squinty snaggle-toothed yodeller and a sassy lil’ cowboy pixie can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us??

“Ty and I have always tried to live the most authentic life possible, and we wanted our separation as husband and wife to be nothing less loving than the way we came together. For some time we have been engaged in private and difficult, but thoughtful and tender undoing of ourselves. Allowing ourselves the time and space to redefine what we are to each other with love rather than with malice.”

I guess “tender undoing” is the country version of “conscious uncoupling”. As much as I want to believe that they’re calling it quits because Ty was caught getting a hand-job from a bull, I think it’s more likely the result of hooking up in 1998. Nothing good came out of 1998! That was the year that gave us both Furbys AND the Matthew Broderick Godzilla. Literally the only non-turd from 1998 was Rose McGowan at the VMAs, but everyone knows an ass that looks like two melons in a plastic grocery bag is never a sure sign that love is meant to last.

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