Billy-Tom O’Connor’s dick situation was already Hammaconda-sized, but he wanted a monster peenzilla that would make jaws break and vaginas close up just by looking at it, so he went to a plastic surgeon and asked for a salchicha that can be seen from Google Earth. I know, a man with a gloriously exquisite mullet, two first names and a dick that can poke your bladder out when he sticks the tip in? That shivering sensation you’re feeling down below isn’t from your sex parts shaking over the thought of taking on Billy-Tom’s crotch monster, it’s the feeling of being in love with this adonis.
Billy Ray Cyrus’ Irish-Traveller cousin and his plastic surgeon were on the British talk show This Morning to talk about how he took his dick from a kielbasa to an entire Hillshire Farms factory. Billy-Tom’s plastic surgeon said that there’s two kinds of penoplasty surgeries. A dude can either make his dick longer or he can make it girthier. Since Billy-Tom’s peen is as naturally as long as a toddler’s (or Matthew McConaughey’s) arm, he went thicker. Billy-Tom’s plastic surgeon lipo’d out fat from other areas of his body and pumped it into his dick. Billy-Tom ended up with a loch ness monster of a peen that’s 10 inches long and 7 and a half inches wide. It’s as big as this can of hairspray.
Billy-Tom’s got one of those multi-purpose dicks. So many uses! If somebody breaks in, just get Billy-Tom hard and then whack that thief in the head. If you and your friends want to play an impromptu game of baseball and you don’t have a bat, just use Billy-Tom’s dick. If a mongoose is in your kitchen and refuses to leave, just flash Billy-Tom’s dick at it, and that Rikki-Tikki-Tavi motherfucker will mistake it for a cobra on CGH (cobra growth hormones) and run away.
Billy-Tom does a little porn, but that’s not the reason why he Super-Sized his dick. Billy-Tom did it for him. And he said that some ladies throw holy water at it and run to the nearest church, but most love it.
“On two occasions I have got to the point where they’ve seen it and they’ve refused me…they just point blank said they’re not willing to go any further with that. But most other girls absolutely loved it.”
He went on to say, “Yeah, most of them died from death by impalement, but they loved it while they were on it!”
And since British morning television is so much better than American morning television, This Morning showed a picture of Billy-Tom’s peen in a sleeping state before and after he plumped it up. Click here to get a serving of that. And yes, yes, I’d hit it, but it’d probably hit me first.
Here’s Billy-Tom on This Morning. I hope this TV appearance leads to a producer setting up a Pay-Per-View wrestling match between The Hammaconda and Billy-Tom’s monster, because I need that in my life.
via Metro UK