In the early 2000s, Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck were best brofriends forever, but then Jennifer Garner came along and took a sledgehammer to their happy bromance home. Kevin was in San Diego last week for Comic-Con and Yahoo! Movies asked him if Ben Affleck was in town to promote that Batman v. Superman mess and Kevin used that time to call out Jennifer Garner for being a bromance-wrecking killer of dude bro dreams and friendships. Kevin says that Jennifer doesn’t like seeing his face or hearing him talk and she’s pretty much the reason why Ben Affleck kicked him out of his life the same way Southwest kicked him off of their plane for being too fat to fly.
“Great question. I don’t know, because we’re not fucking tight. I have not been [close with him] in decades. That’s old Ben. He’s got a wife that don’t care for me at all [Laughs]. And plus, honestly, he probably don’t care for me at all anymore. He’s a triple-A-list movie star and shit like that. If he’s Jimmy Carter, I’m Billy Carter, to put it in ’70s terms. And I’m not even related and shit.”
Kevin Smith obviously still holds onto the half-broken BFFs4EVA heart pendant that he and Ben bought together at Claire’s, because he can’t let go. Yahoo! Movies also points out that during his Silent Bob Speaks show at Carnegie Hall earlier this month, Kevin’s XXXXXL denim culottes twisted up into his asshole when he told the audience that Jennifer Garner’s funny bone was replaced with a stick up her ass and she sucked the raunchiness out of Ben:
“Jennifer does not share the same sense of humor as me — she did not like my jokes. I was picking on Ben Affleck making fun of him because I’ve known him for a really long time — I was talking smack — and Jennifer goes, ‘You know, if you keep saying stuff about him, I’m going to kick your ass.’ And she could — I’ve seen Alias. She has a real girly sense of humor and didn’t understand that I was kidding.
I remember talking to Ben and being like, ‘I know your lady is not finding me amusing. Ben, I’ve known you for years, and you are far sicker than I am!’ His jokes are way dirtier than mine. He’s made jokes to me, and I’ve been like, ‘Ben, you need to go to church.’”
It’s the worst when a friend’s new ho hates you. My best friend in high school dated this asshole-wrapped cunt burger who controlled her completely and didn’t want her to have any friends. True story, he once cut a slit in the Tasmanian Devil stuffed toy she kept on her bed and put some of his hair in it, because he wanted her to hug a piece of him at night. He was like Marky Mark in Fear without the six-pack. We fought all the time and he told me once that I just wanted to fuck her. After he said those words to me, I immediately punched out the address to the nearest hospital in Braille on a piece of paper and gave it to him, because his eyeballs obviously needed emergency medical attention since he couldn’t see that I look like the last person who wants to get intimate with a coochie.
But really, Kevin Smith is so full of shit. A trick with the initials JG is the reason why his and Ben’s friendship died, but it’s not Jennifer Garner. It’s Jersey Girl! That smegma-covered turd destroyed friendships, lives and everything else.
Elizabeth Banks may be married with two kids, but today she’s an honorary shameless slut of the highest order (I’m glueing together a crafty construction paper award ribbon with glitter and Astroglide as we speak). Elizabeth, who I bet goes by “Dirty Liz” when she’s feeling extra horny, spoke to New You magazine (via HuffPo) and explained that she believes the children are our future, and we must teach them the blissful joy that comes from happily rubbing your down-lows against another boner or pussy pocket, and also to stop throwing them judgemental side-eyes as if they were promiscuous trampy gutter trash:
“It’s a huge disservice to young people to put shame into the equation. That’s what bothers me the most about it and why I speak so openly about sex. I promote safe sex, always, and abstinence until you are madly in love. But at the same time I have no desire to shame any young person about what’s going on in their life or about general sexuality or their bodies.”
I’m not sure what sex-ed is like in America, since I was taught the “one beaver to one maple syrup” system in Canada, but I think what Elizabeth Banks is saying about sex makes plenty of sense, and I for one would love to see her create a nationwide standardized sex-ed curriculum. She covers all the bases! Abstinence for the religious kids, “madly in love” sex for the kids who plan on marry their high school sweetheart two seconds after they graduate, safe sex for the kids who want to get some decent experimenting in before they leave for college, and guilt-free no-string-attached fucking for the future hos of this great country. Let us teach the next generation of horny sluts to be proud of their unquenchable thirst for peens and poons. Stand tall! Hold your head high! You know, for pride, but also so you don’t get an eye-full of hot jizz.
I always seem to forget that Martha Stewart is a grand master at whipping up a bowl of subtle hate and baking it at 110 degrees shady before force feeding it into the mouths of the dehydrated slices of Jicama that try to come for her title. Martha reminded me that she’s got a black belt in shade throwing when she looked Goopy Paltrow up and down and let that soggy, rotting, bread-less fishstick know that she’s the one who invented the whole lifestyle thing. And now, Martha is reminding us once again that she can verbally slap down a copy + paste trick with her white glove and smugly smile while doing so.
One-time line reciter, Ryan Reynold’s wife and literary genius Blake NotSoLively has let it be known many times that Martha is her idol and she wants to be her. Blake became the Jennifer Jason Leigh (if Jennifer Jason Leigh was possessed by the spirit of a Styrofoam cup) to Martha Stewart’s Bridget Fonda when she bought a house right around the corner from Martha’s. Blake was on Martha’s show and she gave Martha’s magazine pictures of her wedding. But just because Blake’s sucked on Martha’s ass doesn’t mean that Martha’s going to return the favor and suck on hers. At the Atlantic City Food and Wine Festival in New Jersey on Saturday, HuffPo asked Martha about Ryan and Blake and asked her if she’s laid her eyes on Blake’s “Pinterest on artisanal Ambien” lifestyle blog.
“They’re very friendly, very nice people. In a way, kind of shy — not shy on the screen, at all, if you’ve seen any of Blake’s movies — but very shy in person. But she’s a baker and a homemaker and now she’s starting her own blog [Preserve] … I haven’t seen it yet.”
“Not shy on the screen, at all, if you’ve seen any of Blake’s movies” is the Martha’s way of saying, “We all saw her look like a comatose mackerel while Tim Riggins boned her in that movie that Salma Hayek wears a busted wig in.” And Martha threw in the line “I haven’t seen it yet,” because she knows that when Blake isn’t writing masterful lines of poetry like, ““The smoky scent of sandalwood burning on a wick, the ‘ahh’ of a warm bath,” she’s using her binoculars to peek into Martha’s home office to see if her GODDESS is looking at her blog. Martha barely even knows that Blake’s blog is alive.
HuffPo wanted to milk a little more shade out of Martha, so they asked her what she thinks about Blake wanting to be the new her:
“Let her try. I don’t mean that facetiously! I mean, it’s stupid, she could be an actress! Why would you want to be me if you could be an actress? I just did a movie yesterday, though — I can’t even tell you about it — but I want to be Blake Lively.”
“She COULD be an actress.” I see what you did there, Martha. We’ve all seen Blake try to be an actress time and time again and know that she can’t. Oh, Martha, keep slapping down the lessers. It’s a shady thing.
According to the New York Post, a super-secret source has spilled the beans that Beyoncé is on the hunt for a post-divorce home and is house-hunting on the down-low in Manhattan. The source (her name rhymes with “Stuntyoncé”) says that Beyoncé will be the one to put everything she owns in a box to the left and leaving the 8,309-square foot Tribeca home she shares with Jay-Z, because she’s been quietly looking at a 4,045-square foot Chelsea penthouse all by herself. Normally, Jay-Z makes all the decisions when it comes to property buying (I guess he’s the Drew of their marriage), but he was nowhere to be seen when Bey came to look at the place, which means it’s DEFINITELY for Bey’s weaves only. The source also decided to pour some more salt into the hopeful hearts of Bumble Beys everywhere by adding that the price of the penthouse is definitely more than a clue that it’s not being bought for anyone but Beyoncé:
“There’s no way a $20 million apartment is for her mother or her sister. That would be wildly unlikely.”
Well, yeah, of course it’s not for her sister: it’s a penthouse. Unless Beyoncé also plans to buy all the apartments underneath, gut them, remove all the windows, install some smelly wall-to-wall carpeting and a busted washer/dryer, and fill it with boxes of damp photo albums, old ratty weaves, and expired cans of Beefaroni, then she’s not buying it for her sister.
But I’m so very confused. Normally Beyoncé responds to a “Their phony relationship is DEAD“ rumour by releasing a staged picture of her looking like a Sasha Fierce Betty Draper while holding hands with Blue Ivy and smiling lovingly at her camel husband. However, today there is no picture; just another rumour. Something’s up…better call Detective Basement Baby to see if she can get to the bottom of it (once she’s done solving the mystery of which rat ate the other half of her dust sandwich).
And if you’re curious, here’s Beyoncé’s alleged post-divorce sadness pad. No sand flooring? No in-house manger? No hay storage? It’s official, there’s no room for Jay-Z’s camel-ass in Bey’s new house.
Pics: Street Easy
“How about we make this interesting and put an 8-ball in the center?” – johnny boy
Parks & Wreck – InUrFace
Kyle Kingsbury, the UFC fighter whose nalgas protested for gay rights at the weigh-in for his fight against Patrick Cummins in San Jose, CA over the weekend.
Kingsbury got his ass beat hard by Cummins (Side note: If I was scanning PornHub and that line was a video title, I’d watch that gay porn clip) and retired after losing, but he went out with a great, big pink gay bang. At the weigh-in, the hot, bearded rod of muscle pulled down his shorts and supported LGBT rights with his activist ass cheeks. Preach it, Kingsbury.
Yeah, those tightey-pinkies are more like baggy-pinkies and the message would’ve been clearer if those chonies were anus-lips-tight, but I’ll still take it. This isn’t the first time that Kyle Kingsbury has brought ~FASHUN~ and activism to a weigh-in. He once wore a rainbow sequined fanny pack in support of Lisa Frank rights. I really need to get into that UFC shit more. They give everyone a pink panty show at the weigh-in and during the main event they hug, touch nipples and spit on each other while sweaty and topless.
And here’s the quick clip of Kingsbury’s ass coming out for gay rights. I see that Winnie Cooper-looking ass chick who is not amused that Kingsbury’s pink ass is taking the shine away from her.
Stephen Dorff (41)
Joey Essex (24)
Allison Mack (33)
Rachel Miner (34)
Danger Mouse (37)
Josh Radnor (40)
Wanya Morris (41)
Wil Wheaton (42)
Martina McBride (48)
Alexandra Paul (51)
Danielle Staub (52)
Cynthia Rowley (56)
Ken Burns (61)
Tim Gunn (61)
Patti Scialfa (61)
Leslie Easterbrook (65)
Tony Sirico (72)
David Warner (73)
Is this NeNe Leakes in Zumanity or the Cowardly Lion in bad drag? That may or may not be a trick question – Reality Tea
Consciously Recoupled: Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow haven’t - Lainey Gossip
Whether or not Jenny McCarthy told Melissa McCarthy to lose some chunk, the entire world needs to tell Jenny McCarthy to lose all the chunk on her fat mouth and shut the hell up already – Celebitchy
The answer to the question, “What has Adriana from 90210 been up to?” is “Taking pictures of her plastic ball titty domes on the beach and not much else.” – Drunken Stepfather
Wonky McValtrex found another victim – WWTDD
Who knew that an expired silicone breast implant of a person could raise a child who is smart, reasonable and probably hates her as much as everyone else does – The Superficial
Latarian Milton’s impact – Jezebel
FYI: Cam from Modern Family is a bossy bottom, which means that Mitchell is a top?! Can’t be. They must wear the hell out of their double-sided dildo – Towleroad
I see that creepy hand trying to creep its way to Jessica Alba’s chichis area – Hollywood Tuna
Leonardo DiCatchAHo takes his floating Pussy Posse Palace to Ibiza – Popsugar
How many inanimate objects does it take to hide a herp sore on Vanessa Hudgens’ lip? – Popoholic
But how does Terrence Howard expect his ex-wife to stay baby wipes fresh if he cuts off her alimony?! – ICYDK
No, these pepaws and memaws have nothing on the crutches-throwing wedding dancer, but they’ve still got moves – The Berry
My heart goes out to you hos who watch Sons of Anarchy, because you’ll have to suffer through an episode starring Lea Michele – HuffPo
And here’s a Russian raccoon eating grapes – OMG Blog
I was “eh” about Disney’s new Jungle Book movie, but throw in Christopher Walken’s voice as an orange orangutan and suddenly my “eh” turns into a “yeeeessss“ – Pajiba
Panty Creamer of the Day: Stephen Amell flashes his cum gutters at Comic-Con – Just Jared
Don Rickles speaks for us all when it comes to Justin Bieber – SOW
If you spent some time with Christopher Meloni’s “large bag of pepperonis” bulge today, then I’m sure your genitals tingled themselves raw and are currently huffing and puffing and can barely lift themselves since they’re all out of energy. Well, slap that bitch awake and feed it some Gatorade, because it’s time for round 2 now that Mickey Rourke is here looking like a barbecued rawhide chip in hot neon green Spandex leggings and frazzled abuelita hair. Mickey Rourke is giving us Richard Simmons’ butch grandma hotness.
It’s strange, I don’t remember seeing on the news last night that there was a 40 car pile-up in West Hollywood and dozens of people had to be transported to the hospital after passing out. Because here’s Loki’s soulmate standing outside of a gym in West Hollywood yesterday and you’d think that drivers would’ve been blinded by the glaring sexiness beaming off of his melted tennis ball crotch and lost control of their cars. Then after crashing into each other, you’d also think that drivers would jump out of their cars, take in more of Mickey’s hotness and pass out on the street. And no, I didn’t actually watch the news last night since I was too busy watching 20 episodes of Flip or Flop (which sadly isn’t a gay porn game show), but you’d think HGTV would break in to report on the adventures of Mickey Rourke’s dick.
I haven’t been to that many charity events in my life (Wait, does my 4th grade birthday party count? I mean, half of the kids there were only there for the cake and were forced to be there by their parents who felt sorry for my ass), but even I know that when you go t a charity event, you shouldn’t promote or do anything that goes against the cause. If you go to a D.A.R.E. event, you should probably wait until after that shit finishes to smoke heroin out of a pipe made of coke while butt snorting meth in the bathroom. If you go to an event for Human Rights Watch, you probably shouldn’t wear a Justin Bieber t-shirt since Justin Bieber is a walking human rights violation. So either model type Cara Delevingne was in the mood for trolling or the wolf brows on her face sucked out every piece of her brain for nourishment. Because that piece of trash wore a rabbit fur coat to a wildlife fundraiser in St. Tropez.
Michelle Rodriguez’s partner in pussy and Selena Gomez’s maybe-current partner in pussy showed up to the event for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation in a white tuxedo thing, but sometime during the event, she changed into what looked like a rabbit fur jacket and tiny, white, pussy-exposing track shorts that screamed “I am not on my period!” Page Six’s source said that during the event, everybody GASPED when Cara got on the stage with human ass scab Robin Thicke and was wearing a coat that was made of the mutilated bodies of Thumper’s relatives:
“She got up there with Robin Thicke in what looked like a white rabbit fur,” says a spy.
“It was like, wait, this is an event for wildlife!”
Why isn’t there video of this? Specifically, why isn’t there video of Leonard DiCaprio when this was happening, because I really want to see his face go from “Wait, have I fucked her yet?” to “OH GOD SHE’S WEARING PETER COTTONTAIL!” before using his hot karate moves to kung-fu kick her off the stage. This could’ve been a Chelsea Clinton situation and Cara’s jacket could’ve been fake, but probably not.
Bitch probably didn’t even know what the event was for. She was just there for the free press, free booze and free coke. In this dumb twat’s defense, she goes to so many “charity events” for the free press and freeze booze that she forgets what charity the event is for and what the dress code is. At one charity event, she has to wear a red ribbon. At another charity event, she has to wear pink. And at a different charity event, she can’t wear dead animals. How can one bitch remember all that shit?! She was probably booked for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation event and the The Kendall Jones Foundation event in the same week and got the days confused. That’s all.