Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy, and for some reason Zoe Saldana showed up wearing one of Jane Fonda’s old high-waisted workout thongs over a sequinned skirt. I’m so confused. Doesn’t she know that if you’re going to wear a rib-grazing throwback thong, you need to give it the attention it deserves? Maybe you wear it over a pair of thick brown Hooters girl tights, but that’s it. Besides, a pair of high-waisted coochie-stranglers aren’t a fashion statement; they’re a symbol. A symbol that represents the Van Halen groupies and Daytona Beach strippers and the 90s beer commercial girls and all the other glamorous raunchy sluts across this great nation. Show some respect for your foreskanks, Zoe! Even Miley Cyrus knows that a front wedgie (NSFW-ish) is an honor and a privilege.
But I will say this – I do enjoy that if you cover the top half of her body and her legs, it looks like a t-bone steak that Liberace would order (“Extra glitter with a side of pizzazz, please”).
Here’s more of Zoe making the questionable decision to wear her underwear on the outside of her clothes but her bra underneath at the GotG premiere last night. Also there was former-pudding bodied hottie Chris Pratt with his muscle-hating wife Anna Faris, a very Tom Cruise-looking Bradley Cooper, and Vin Diesel, who must have huffed the exhaust fumes from his limo on the way there, because he was serving some wasted uncle at the family reunion realness.
Exactly one year ago today, a bunch of us dumb shits spent way too much time staring at a stupid, ugly door and waiting for it to open while a lucky lottery winner was born into a world where he’ll never know what the phrase “the rent is due” means, he’ll never see an overdue bill and he’ll do his first vodka shot out of an Eastern European cocktail waitress’ belly button as Uncle Hot Ginge cheers him on. Usually when it’s someone’s birthday, you get them gifts, but since the royal family are so giving and have charitable hearts, they gave the peasants new pictures of the future King of England. A couple of days ago, they gifted the eyes of their people with a picture of Baby Prince George that was taken before he bum rushed a photographer Kanye-style. Yesterday, they released two more pictures of Prince William, his receding hairline twin Baby Prince George and Duchess Kate at the butterfly exhibit of London’s Natural History Museum. That picture looks like a generic picture you’d find in a gold frame at the Hallmark store. They look too perfect. Even the Heart Family is saying, “Ugh, their perfection creeps us out!”
That baby drool on Duchess Kate’s dress is a nice touch, but it doesn’t fool me. It’s supposed to make them look like every other normal, average family, but you know it took 6 assistants, 2 bottles of organic oil, 2 electric fans and 3 paint brushes to make that perfectly sized baby drool stain on her dress. Even though that baby drool stain is some royal STUNT QUEEN shit, the baby drool broach will still become the #1, must-have fashion accessory of the year. Everyone’s going to work a baby drool stain. You should drool out as much drool as you can now, because it’s only a matter of time before drool sells out and becomes extinct.
And I’m no butterfly body language expert, but I’m pretty sure that poor butterfly is trying to say “ayúdame!” with its wings, because it knows that if it accidentally throws the wrong look at Baby Prince George, part of its wings will end up in his baby fits and its head will end up at the bottom of his stomach.
Happy birfday, Baby Prince George! I’m sure your #1 fan Morrissey is celebrating your special day by throwing a party for his cats in your honor.
Cops Have Advised Justin Bieber’s Neighbors To Put Him Under Citizen’s Arrest The Next Time He Throws A Party
This weekend, Justin Bieber threw a 2-day toddler rager at his condo in Beverly Hills in which the police were called six times for noise complaints and general assholery. Unfortunately for the poor souls who have to share a building with Canada’s constantly itchy butthole, there’s nothing the cops can do to prevent Justin from throwing more loud parties for his asshole friends, since he always turns down the music when they ask him to (sounds like someone was paying attention during the Backyardigans episode on manners).
But according to TMZ, his neighbors are right pissed, because it’s not just the noise; he’s turning their condo building into the island for obnoxious pre-teen shitheads from Pinocchio. TMZ obtained pictures showing the mess he left on the condo’s rooftop lounge, and residents have told them the elevators and hallways reeked of pot all weekend, adding that “There were bimbos lining up to do drugs in the lobby bathroom.” (I literally just pictured Kelly Bundy and her friends).
Despite photographic proof and numerous witnesses that claim Justin Bieber is a pint-sized nuisance, the cops claim they can’t arrest someone for a misdemeanour if they don’t see it happen. But they also claim that it is well within their legal rights to take matters into their own hands, since he’s currently on probation. The police have advised Justin’s condo neighbors that if they witness the human version of Babs Seed the Pony doing hoodrat shit in the building, they can put him under citizen’s arrest. Did you hear that? The police literally just gave Justin’s neighbors permission to ground him. The shade, the shade of it all.
And as much as I want to see a 60-year-old woman tackle Justin Bieber to the ground for smoking a joint in the vestibule, is that picture of the rooftop seriously the “mess” he left? Yikes. You know you throw a lame-ass party when you’re able to make Aaron Carter look like Studio 54 fucked Caligula.
Ashton: “No way. Creepy as fuck.”
Shia: “Hell no!”
Gerard: “Er, NO!”
Charlie: “Looks good to me – I’d hit it.” – bangsue
It was Bound to happen – The gravity of Kim and Kanye’s egos finally fused them into one person. – ANightWriter “Grape Juice”
Agnes McKee, the 105-year-old bad bitch of Oceanside, CA who threw the first pitch at some Padres game on Sunday!
Carly Rae Jepsen, 50 Cent and Mimi need to hire Agnes McKee to teach them how not to throw a first pitch like a half-blind, paraplegic T-Rex. Because Agnes McKee puts all of them to shame (although, that’s not really hard to do). The San Diego Padres asked Agnes McKee to throw out the first pitch at one of their games, because her war veteran husband, who died last year, played baseball in the olden days. After Agnes accepted the Padres’ invitation, she trained at her retirement home in Oceanside, because she didn’t want to look like a total dumb shit out there (see: 50, Carly, etc…). Agnes threw out an underhand pitch and confirmed my suspicions: if we were back in the 5th grade together and it was time to pick teams for softball, she’d get picked way before I did. But then again, a half-blind paraplegic T-Rex would get picked before me.
The Cy Young of memaws told KSWB-San Diego after throwing the first pitch that she’s not really into the Padres, because they don’t win shit.
“I haven’t been very into the Padres because they don’t ever win any games. I tried to learn the names of some of the ball players in case somebody asked me that.”
We all know where this is going. The Padres suck and Agnes McKee is a world-class pitcher. You don’t need to have the impeccable SLYCIC skills of The Long Island Medium to know that at the 2015 World Series, the announcer will announce, “And pitching first for the Padres is Agnes McKee!”
Willem Dafoe (59)
Selena Gomez (22)
Sharni Vinson (26)
A.J. Cook (36)
Franka Potente (40)
Rufus Wainwright (41)
Rhys Ifans (47)
Irene Bedard (47)
David Spade (50)
John Leguizamo (50)
Joanna Going (51)
Rob Estes (51)
Keith Sweat (53)
Alan Menken (65)
Albert Brooks (67)
Don Henley (67)
Danny Glover (68)
George Clinton (73)
Alex Trebek (74)
Terence Stamp (76)
Louise Fletcher (80)
Oscar de la Renta (82)
Pic: French Vogue
Goopy Paltrow is slumped over the solid marble bathtub in the middle of her bedroom and weeping into a hand cut crystal vial held by her nighttime maid (she can sell that vial for $56,000 on GOOP), because her reign as the most pretentious blonde twat with the most insufferable lifestyle blog is in danger now that Blake NotSoLively’s highly-anticipated (by no one) site has finally arrived on the scene.
After months and months of telling everyone about her totally original, one-of-a-kind lifestyle blog for people who crave a curated life (read: assholes), the humanized drop of tap water on a white paper cup has launched Preserve.us. Blake didn’t get a dot com, because dot coms are for Volkaswagen-driving, Trader Joe’s-shopping, Old Navy-wearing mainstream regulars and Preserve is for unique souls who take the off-beaten path through a lavender field to a giant pear tree where they’ll strung a homemade banjo they bought from an old blind man in the Tennessee mountains while their fedora-wearing boyfriend feeds them goat cheese he made himself. Preserve is basically a Portlandia skit come to life.
The design of Preserve (which sadly isn’t a blog about jams) is all black, beige and squiggly. It looks like an artisanal shit that came out of a hipster’s ass after he ate Anthropologie. On the front page of that artisanal skid mark is a video about dreams (or some shit), a Tumblr-esque article about sundaes that makes me heave (and anything involving sundaes shouldn’t make a ho heave, that’s illegal) and some drooly stuff about a tattooed ginger hipster. There’s also an editor’s letter and at first I didn’t think that Blake actually wrote that mess, but it’s obvious that it came from her brain since it reads like something a 12-year-old wrote on their LiveJournal in 2000. I’m not going to post the whole letter, because it’s long, but these two lines sum it up perfectly:
I am hungry, though… not just for enchiladas.
I’m hungry for experience.
And now I’m hungry for enchiladas, because I need to cleanse my palate of Preserve.
Preserve wouldn’t be a GOOP knock-off if it didn’t sell overpriced shit, so Blake is selling all sorts of crap like a $7 bottle of ketchup, a $70 “everyday” bowl and an $18 spoon that’s described like this:
There is hardly a more fitting place for a subtly suggestive hint than the bowl of a vintage silver plated spoon. A request for the very love act named for its curvature is hand engraved here in an innocent old-time typewriter font. In case there was any question, a tiny heart seals the deal. Food useable, this special bit of flatware is a constant reminder to cuddle up.
Who ever wrote that shit forgot to throw in a line about how that spoon is the perfect spoon to smoke basil honey-infused crack off of since that’s what they did before writing that description.
And on that note, it was nice hating on you, GOOP, but there’s a new messy lifestyle blog to hate!
If somebody ever asks you to define the meaning of “sophistication,” show them these pictures of Danity Kane looking like late-80s hookers who are known for giving blow jobs for beer in a parking lot Port-A-Potty at Nascar races – Hollywood Tuna
Oscar Isaac bites Pedro Pascal’s ear and judging by Pedro Pascal’s face, he’s also getting a little “poked in the butt” action – Lainey Gossip
The Real Housewives of New Jersey’s ratings are dropping faster than Juicy Joe’s side piece when he waves a stolen $100 at her face, because nobody’s here for Teresa Giudice’s PR stunt - Reality Tea
Zendaya dropped out of the Aaliyah Lifetime movie, because she thought the production values were trash and when a 17-year-old Disney trick thinks your production values are trash…. – Celebitchy
The Swedish Shauna Sand goes sugar daddy hunting in Greece – WWTDD
Alessandra Ambrosia Salad served up some chola stripper hotness in Brazil - Drunken Stepfather
Selena Gomez’s plastic titty bags deflated - The Superficial
Panic! At The Disco trolls the trolls – Jezebel
Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black were on a plane that had to make an emergency landing in Russia, but wait, those two fly coach?! – Towleroad
Oh, look, Kim Kartrashian did something she NEVER does – IDLYITW
What in the hell kind of GD outfit is Selena Gomez wearing? – Popoholic
The National Enquirer’s TOMMY GIRL’S GAY LIFE EXPOSED cover story would’ve been shocking and brand new if the year was 1985 – Boy Culture
Joaquin Phoenix is Hollywood’s greatest forehead actor – The Berry
These pictures of Sofia Vergara and Joe ManJello are so natural and so not staged! – Popsugar
The Shining prequel that nobody needed or asked for is coming – OMG Blog
Lauren Conrad calls out Allure for the truest thing they’ve ever published – HuffPo
Zac Efron spent the night at Michelle Rodriguez’s house and if you stare at his overnight bag long enough, you can almost see the outline of a double-sided dildo – Just Jared
The Internet has taught me not to believe anything, because everything is a lie. So I looked at this clip through a Detective La Toya brand magnifying glass, because a huge chunk of me believes that the hot, old dude is a young dancer in old man drag and this is just another Jimmy Kimmel hoax or a viral marketing ad for Centrum Silver with Molly. But if this is real, then this seasoned dance machine is my hero. Pepaw looks like Grandpa Simpson on anti-depressants and Ecstasy. We should all hope that when we reach the “liver spots on our taint” phase of life, that we have 1/1000th of this old coot’s hotness and can set fire to the dance floor at a boring wedding reception by throwing down our crutches and unleashing a wave of sexy moves. This video’s got the executives at KY feeling a new kind of nervous. Because this video could end droughts and bring moistness to the driest of deserts. May the granny panties drop.
And pepaw’s plastic bag tied around his belt loop truly IS the look.
I haven’t watched the first episode of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian’s “semi-scripted” dried turd of reality show on Vh1, because I am a disgusting, gross, easy pig slut when it comes to TV (and everything else) and I should try to have SOME standards. I recorded LeAnn & Eddie, though, and when I’ve gone into my DVR to play an episode of quality television like Dating Naked and Topless Prophet on Cinemax, it stares at me like a wet, oozing herp sore on a short, soft peen. I can’t bring myself to watch it. Apparently, I’m not alone, because Deadline says that the first episode of The Home Wrecking Squints was watched by 374,000 viewers. To put that number into perspective, Grumpy Cat was on QVC at 7 in the morning yesterday and more hos probably watched that shit (and sadly, I was one of those hos). LeAnn & Eddie were beat by Dog with a Blog, an episode of Seinfeld and COPS. Deadline says that Vh1′s Dating Naked got 826,000 viewers, but when LeAnn Rimes’ “melting Play-Doh figurine of a demon pony” face popped up after it, everyone turned their TVs off.
The rest of VH1’s new programming on VH1 might have wanted to strip down a bit to do better. Coming after the 551,000 who watched the debut of Candidly Nicole, the 10:30 premiere of Leann And Eddie was seen by a total 374,000 audience of 374,000. The former was up 51% from last quarter among the 18-49s with 325,000 watching while the later up just 19% over the last quarter’s average in the time slot with 252,000 viewers in the demo.
To recap: more than twice the number of hos who suffered through LeAnn & Eddie watched a show with a bunch of naked people. For the love of humanity’s eyeballs, don’t let that give Falkor ideas!!! (Eddie, okay, but not Falkor!) And poor Eddie’s probably going to have to take his side pieces to the Super 8 instead of the Hilton. LeAnn probably cut his allowance, because she needed the money to buy 374,000 TVs and 374,000 different cable connections. You didn’t think 374,000 actual people watch that wreck, did you?
And here’s Falkor looking like a horse skeleton in lazy Stevie Nicks drag while protecting the peen she paid for at the Luli Fama fashion show in Miami yesterday.