The heads of theater queens are exploding everywhere, because the first trailer for the Disney-fied Into the Woods movie is FINALLY here, but it’s missing one sort of major thing: SINGING. There’s Meryl Streep looking like a blue-haired Sookeh in 20 years, Chris Pine with stunningly luscious blown-out Walter Mercado hair and Johnny Depp finally looking hot again and I’m only saying that because he’s covered in CGI and his nails have never looked cleaner. But there’s no hos yodeling out musical notes!
There’s just Anna Kendrick burping out “I wish” over and over again. You know what I wish? I wish you’d start singing, bitch, because this is supposed to be a musical.
And here’s a few stills in case you missed them yesterday. My abuelita wishes she had that picture of Chris Pine in the 80s to give to her stylist at the JCPenney salon, because his hair is very “grandma of the 1980s bride” and that is the hair of her dreams.
Um, those two dogs on the left making a “This Is Not What I Signed Up For” face should really tell their Chow Chow friend, Genghis Khan II, that opening his mouth when Terry Richardson is around is never a good idea. Or maybe GK2 is silently screaming and shutting his eyes because he can’t with this mess. Probably the latter.
The woman who Blake NotSoLively will one day skin alive and wear posed for a spread in Net-A-Porter’s print magazine Porter and before the shoot, she was given a list of photographers to choose from. Fashionista (via Jezebel) says that Terry Richardson was on that list. If you were doing a shoot for Porter Magazine and they gave you a list with Uncle Terry’s name on it, you’d probably say, “Why are you giving me the National Sex Offender Registry? Give me that list of photographers!” Martha didn’t do that and out of all the photographers on the list, she went with the human chloroform rag. Either the name Terry Richardson hasn’t penetrated through the mint green bubble that Martha lives in or she figured that since she’s all out of Creme De La Mer, she might as well try a new facial cream. Porter says that after the come-to-life stock photo of a pedophile shot her, she told everyone he was “cute.” This is the reason why the Strawberry Shortcake bar I ate last night is crawling up my throat:
“It is the first time these two controversy-hounds have met but it is, like so much in Stewart’s life, no accident. After debating over a long list of photographers, America’s house-mother superior insisted that Richardson shoot her. ‘Oh, he is cute,’ she will say later, when he comes to say goodbye.”
The only thing more WTF-ish than Uncle Terry shooting Martha Stewart is Martha Stewart calling Uncle Terry “cute.” Calling Terry Richardson “cute” is like calling a hairy ass wart that a rat chewed off “adorable.” But anybody who has seen the disgusting plates of barf-covered diarrhea that Martha has tweeted knows that she’s blind when it comes to nasty crap.
And I hope that Martha thinking that Uncle Terry is cute isn’t going to lead to a more “intimate” photo shoot, because my eyeballs were not built to take in the sight of Uncle Terry’s leaky dick on Martha Stewart’s forehead.
I know I specified it was Charlie Theron’s smart friends who are warning her about making it legal with human-sized rectal prolapse Sean Penn, but I’m sure that even the dumbest, slowest mouth breathers in her life would be like “Damn bitch, do you need a lobotomy??”
Last week, Charlize was spotted wearing a fancy ring on THAT FINGER while strolling through the airport, and while she hasn’t commented on it (I’m sure the official statement will just be the words “Oh my god“ and a bitchy eye-roll), most are speculating that Sean Penn got down on one brittle beef jerky knee and popped the question. But according to the National Enquirer, Charlize’s friends are nervously tugging at their collars, because they’re afraid her life will turn into a remake of Sleeping with the Enemy:
Friends are concerned that the fairy-tale romance between the “Monster” actress and the “Milk” star could lead to a nightmare marriage. In 1987, Sean was sentenced to 60 days in jail for punching a movie extra in the face numerous times on the set of “Colors.” That same year, he was also charged with domestic assault after he whacked then-wife Madonna across the head with a baseball bat. In 2012, Sean uttered an amazing understatement: “I don’t control my temper well.”
“They’re urging her to think twice before finally heading down the aisle with Sean.”
Charlize’s friends sound like they mean well, but when your friend is Stage-10 dickmatized to a raging deep-fried asshole like Sean Penn, you need to do a lot more than “urge” them to think twice about getting married. You need to book them an appointment with an old timey hypnotist who can wipe their memory clean of his angry squished nutsac of a face. And if that doesn’t work, you force her to watch Shanghai Surprise, Clockwork Orange-style, over and over and over until the mere sight of his face makes her shudder with second-hand embarrassment.
And I hope Sean Penn’s friends are also warning him to “think twice” about marrying a TGIF-hating bitch like Charlize. He does know she committed an act of extreme disrespect by hissing at 1/2 of Sister Sister, right???
Professional Alexis Mateo impersonator Alicia Keys posted this picture of her and her husband Swizz Beatz looking like Restoration Hardware’s version of The Heart Family to Instagram last night (via UsWeekly) to announce that he’d pumped her full of jizz beatz and she caught a case of fetus fever. Alicia captioned the photo:
What in the hell is that joorey he’s wearing around his neck? He looks like a damn Dracula.
NO! She said this:
Happy Anniversary to the love of my life @therealswizzz!! And to make it even sweeter we’ve been blessed with another angel on the way!! You make me happier than I have ever known! Here’s to many many more years of the best parts of life!
Alicia Keys and Swizz Cheese have been married for four years now and already have a 3-year-old son named Egypt Daoud Dean, so I fully expect them to bring the fuckery when it comes to naming baby number two. They picked an African country for the first name and a weird spelling of a common name for the middle, so currently my money is on Libya Maolissa if it’s a girl and Djibouti Kevoin for a boy. Or maybe they’ll stick with the Egypt theme, in which case I hope they name the baby Sphinx Ankh [symbol of a guy doing this] Mummy Dean (“Oh please oh please oh please let me help you design the nursery???” – Katy Perry).
Announcer: Where will you be when diarrhea strikes? – Stan_Hooper
Uber is now available in Arkansas. – InUrFace
This philanthropist of hotness who has been gifting the eyes of Facebook with her piping hot, extra sweet, nipple hardening dance moves!
I don’t know if this video was shot in the 90s (But I’m pretty sure portrait mode didn’t exist in the 90s. It was a better time.) or if it was shot in current day Bushwick, but it doesn’t really matter. Because her moves, style and charisma are timeless. While looking like the 90s spit its backwash all over her, this goddess of dance Pumps Up The Jam all the way up and is the reason why Technotronic was created. She throws down moves you’ve never seen like the “mental patient on meth trying to shake out of a straitjacket” move (at the 0:02 mark), the “malfunctioning zombie robot” move (at the 0:10 mark), the “quadriplegic T-rex trying to swim as bees attack it” move (at the 0:26 mark), the “fanning my queef fumes away” move (at the 0:33 mark) and the “fanning my butt fumes away” move (at the 0:56). She looks like a gorilla who was taught the history of 90s dance moves and was asked to perform them right after her veins were injected with liquid bath salts. THIS IS DANCE!
After watching this mistress of moves, FOX has announced that they’re changing the name of “So You Think You Can Dance?” to “So You Think You Can Dance Better Than That Pump Up The Jam Girl? Well, You Can’t, But Maybe You Can Be Second Best?”
Dean Cain (48)
Rico Rodriguez (16)
Alexis Knapp (25)
Charlie Carver (26)
Eric Lively (33)
Matt Shadows (33)
B.J. Novak (35)
Zac Brown (36)
Annie Parisse (39)
Ben Chaplin (45)
J.K. Rowling (49)
Wesley Snipes (52)
Mark Cuban (56)
Michael Biehn (58)
Geraldine Chaplin (70)
Don Murray (85)
“We co-sign that!” – the world
Around this time two years ago, we all put our most beloved valuables (read: weed, iPad loaded with porn and Hot Fries) in a waterproof bag and built a house raft in preparation for the great, big flood of Twihard tears that was threatening to drown the planet. Twihards cried out all the liquids in their bodies after Kristen Stewart was caught getting her snatch licked by Rupert Sanders’ bull dozer tongue. The world will never be the same again and it’s a miracle that the planet is still spinning. But if there’s one trick (besides all of us) you’ll never see at the annual ROBSTEN IS FOREVER UNBROKEN memorial held every year in a Twihard’s basement, it’s RPattz. RPattz is completely over that shit.
During an interview with Esquire UK to promote a couple of movies he’s in, the subject of the munch felt around the world came up and the former keeper of the Unicorn Forest shrugged it off like it meant nothing! Like it was just a set-up contract relationship for PR that ran to its expiration date after all those Twatlight movies came out. How dare he feel “meh” about a fake relationship!
“Shit happens, you know?” he laughs. “It’s just young people… it’s normal! And honestly, who gives a shit?”
“The hardest part was talking about it afterwards. Because when you talk about other people, it affects them in ways you can’t predict,” he says. “It’s like that scene in Doubt [2008, in which Philip Seymour Hoffman plays a priest suspected of inappropriate behaviour], where he’s talking about how to take back gossip? They throw all those feathers from a pillow into the sky and you’ve got to go and collect all the feathers.”
WHO GIVES A SHIT?! Say that to the thousands of crazed Twihards who literally can’t give a shit, because after that slut whore KStew admitted to passing her poon to another, they lost their shit, colon, gallbladder, stomach and intestines. Tell that to them, RPattz! And tell it to Nutty Madam!
Actually, I don’t even think she gives a shit anymore. She’s too busy bathing the world in sticky toffee panty pudding while watching the Fifty Shades of Shit trailer. Speaking of bathing in body fluids, toward the end of RPattz’s interview with Esquire UK, he dropped a blind item. While talking about asshole bitch actors who treat crew members like trash, he told a story about one actress who took a Kardashian Kalgon bath without knowing it.
“This actress was doing a scene in the bath and she kept complaining about the temperature, how it was too hot or too cold. So everyone pissed in it and put a bunch of bubble bath in afterwards so you couldn’t smell it! This stuff happens. That’s why I avoid asking for anything. I don’t want to get anyone’s piss on me.”
I don’t know if Laura Jeanne Poon (stage name: Reese Witherspoon) took a bath in Water for Elephants, but I’m going to pretend this is about her. Water for elephants, urine for Reese!
Here’s Lea Michele and Forever-Peg-Bundy-To-Me shooting a scene for Sons of Anarchy and Peg is getting her lit cigarette ready just in case she needs to shove it in Lea’s mouth if that trick gets the urge to break out into song - Lainey Gossip
If you zoomed into Cameron Diaz’s nipple, you’d see it cringing, because even it’s embarrassed to be a part of this mess – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Lisa Vanderpump is selling Villa Blanca and hopefully who ever buys it turns it into a Buffalo Wild Wings, because that stretch of Beverly Hills could use some real fine dining – Reality Tea
Chelsea Handler’s “power clique of Hollywood A-listers” is nothing without CHARO! – Celebitchy
I didn’t know The Difficult Brown moved next door to George Zimmerman – WWTDD
Selena Gomez wore an outfit from Contempo Casuals that JLo most likely wore in 1996 - The Superficial
DanRad should’ve used a Flowbee – Towleroad
Jessica Barrymore, the half-sister of Drew Barrymore, was found dead in her car – Popsugar
ICYMI: A little girl delivers the raw emotion after finding out that her baby brother is going to grow up one day and as she cries, her parents also cry while thinking about how much cash they’re going to make when they put this video on YouTube - The Berry
Arianda Grande Latte’s “selfie” photo shoot for Seventeen Magazine is a mess in every way – Hollywood Tuna
MiserAlba’s doing the “ahs have a sexy migraine” pose on Maxim – Popoholic
The Into The Woods movie doesn’t look completely awful – Pajiba
Ceiling Eyes is single again – ICYDK
Iggy Azalea’s going to be in the 7 millionth Fast & Furious movie – HuffPo
I spent way too much time watching Lana Del Rey eat an orange like it was a dick – Just Jared
Two pussies, 1 box – OMG Blog
Justin Bieber took his little ass to Instagram to once again slap at Orlando Bloom after Orlando threw a punch at him during a fight over Miranda Kerr at Cipriani’s early this morning. The Biebs is a popped dick pimple, but he’s right. Orlando Bloom should be crying. Orlando should be squirting out tears, because he had the chance to make humanity proud by knuckling the Biebs in the face and he failed. He failed himself and he failed us all. How do you live with yourself after that?
The Biebs gets really hard when he’s hiding behind Instagram. I picture him uploading that picture and screaming at his bodyguards, “Hold me back, bros! Hold me back! Don’t make me press enter on that bitch! Hold me back!” That peach-fuzzed butt nugget spits out a lot of shit when he’s hiding behind a screen, but get him in front of Orlando and he’d behind an adult before running for the exit door while screaming and crying for his mommy. Hmmm…Why does that description I just typed feel so familiar and why did my monitor suddenly turn into a mirror? It’s making it really hard to type and talk shit.
And here’s the object of Orlando and the Biebs’ douche fight at some Escada event in Munich, Germany last night. This might be the last time you see Miranda Kerr’s face, because she should get a face transplant and become entirely unrecognizable now that everyone knows that she probably fucked Justin Bieber.