Archives: July 2014

Kid Rock’s Glass Dildo Has Been Subpoenaed In The Insane Clown Posse Harassment Lawsuit

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

I was thinking about photoshopping a glass dildo into Kid Rock’s grimy paw, but then I realized I’ve already filled my quota of nightmares by making you picture Justin Bieber blue steel-ing it in a pair of tighty-whiteys.

Rolling Stone says that human dirty needle Kid Rock received a subpoena telling him to hand over his glass dildo after it was declared evidence in a lawsuit involving human wet garbage, the Insane Clown Posse. The subpoena states that former ICP employee “Dirty Dan” Diamond (I do not want to know how he got the nickname “Dirty Dan”) tried to give a glass dildo to former ICP publicist Andrea Pellegrini after learning that she was single. Andrea, who is suing the Insane Jagoff Posse for harassment and emotional distress, claims she didn’t want to be “Dirty Dans” slutty Cinderella, so she returned the glass dildo to sender. “Dirty Dan” claims to have then passed the unwanted glass dildo on to Kid Rock. I’m not sure why he gave it to Kid Rock, but I assume it’s because he hated him (nothing says “go fuck yourself” like giving someone a re-gifted dildo).

Kid Rock has 14 days to produce the glass dildo in court, and if he doesn’t…I dunno, maybe they’ll send a SWAT team to his house with a pack of highly-trained dildo-sniffing dogs or something. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually feel bad for Kid Rock; 14 days isn’t a lot of time to say your goodbyes to a beloved sex toy. Imagine if you received a letter in the mail that says you must surrender your favorite vibrator or butt plug or anal beads?? That would be heartbreaking! I’m getting all Not Without My Daughter just thinking about it. I bet that right now, Kid Rock is smuggling his dirty scum-crusted glass dildo in a hidden compartment in his suitcase as he boards a train bound for Canada. “Don’t worry, little fella. I promise, they’ll NEVER tear us apart!”

Night Crumbs

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Pimp Mama Kris is shitting out a kookbook. You can finally get the recipe for Kim Kartrashian’s world-famous kum kasserole and PMK’s Sacrifice to Satan Surprise – Reality Tea

Zac Efron probably looks a lot like the beautiful unicorns that used to frolic in Robert Pattinson’s enchanted forest hair, so it makes sense that they’re friends – Lainey Gossip

If you thought that Selena Gomez was going through “a lesbian phase” when she was with Justin Bieber, your ass should know that might not have been a “phase,” because she’s on a boat with Michelle Rodriguez’s ex-piece Cara Delawhatever right now – Drunken Stepfather

Charlie Hunnam doesn’t care about getting an Emmy – Celebitchy

Photoshop has been challenged: Brit Brit is modeling her own line of lingerie now – The Superficial

Well, the good news is that at least a tampon string isn’t hanging out of Brandi Glanville’s twat – WWTDD

Will the Big Brother dudes stop teasing and have a big gay orgy in that ugly bird nest bed already? – Towleroad

And here’s a pussy nuzzling on a horse (not a link to a Trace Cyrus sex tape, I promise) – The Berry

Snoop Dogg turned the White House into the Green House (but probably not) – ICYDK

Miley Cyrus looking like a dumpster raver Susan PowterHollywood Tuna

The Brangeloonies will soon have another wedding picture of their idols to put in a silver frame on their mantle – Jezebel

Jack O’Connell’s soft peen: here it is – (NSFW) OMG Blog

FYI: Emmy Rossum doesn’t do the “cover the pin pan with my other hand” trick when she’s at the ATM – Popoholic

Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden are being gross together in Italy – Popsugar

Remember when Rachel McAdams was in The Hot Chick? Yeah, I blocked that out too – SOW

Lea Michele’s new piece’s week rate can’t be cheap. Bitch better get a new gig fast – Just Jared

True Blood did its job, because they made Ted Cruz mad – IDLYITW

Lafayette from True Blood comes for Luke “I Don’t Want To Do Gay Stuff On Camera” Grimes and it’s glorious – Pajiba

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Open Post: Hosted By Leonardo DiCaprio Throwing Kung-Fu Kicks On A Yacht

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Fresh off of sunning his vacation belly in Miami, Leonardo DiCatchAHo took his ass to St. Tropez where he showed us what a scene in Titanic would’ve looked like if Jack Dawson learned karate from Mr. Miyagi. While waiting for the 20 models he ordered to arrive in a crate, the leader of the Pussy Posse wowed his friends with his totally awesome karate moves. You know, a lot of us have said that Leo is two eyebrow-arches away from becoming Jack Nicholson, but I think we’ve had it wrong the entire time. That ponytail… That beard… The way it looks like his belly is gracefully jiggling as he delivers a serious, serious karate kick. If Leo replaces Lukas Haas with a panda and replaces his usual Victoria’s Secret Angel model girlfriend with two Russian sex slaves (“What’s the difference to him?” – you “Good point.” – me), then someone must stop him immediately. Because the world really doesn’t need or deserve two Steven Seagals.

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Eddie Cibrian And LeAnn Rimes Told His Boys About Their Affair

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above the moment she realized that the bowl of laxatives she ate for breakfast kicked in a little too fast AGAIN, LeAnn Rimes says that she and Eddie Cibrian have had several talks with his kids, 11-year-old Mason and 7-year-old Jake, about how they’re both huge, disgusting, shameless skank slut tramps who broke their own homes with their bull dozing genitals. Eddie telling his kids about him being a cheating whore makes sense, because kids are curious shits. They’re always asking all kinds of questions like: Where does Santa live? What is above the sky? And, why does mom always call that creepy, half-naked lizard pony centaur thing you live with a “life-ruining cum dumpster skeezer“?

Eddie and LeAnn tell Life & Style that they’ve told Mason and Jake the truth and Mason and Jake totally understand:

“We’ve had discussions with them about the whole situation,” Eddie says in the new issue of Life & Style, on stands now, of their honesty with Mason, 11, and Jake, 7, about their infidelity. “They understand more than you think they do,” LeAnn adds.

Uh huh, I’m really sure LeAnn laid the entire truth on them. Eddie and LeAnn probably sat Mason and Jake down and said, “Once upon a time, there was a multi-talented, devastatingly handsome, gold-hearted, loyal prince who was trapped in a marriage to a wretched, foul, evil, jealous, controlling drunk, fat praying mantis-like witch. The only way he could get out of his marriage is if the evil curse the witch cast on him was broken by true love’s kiss. One day, the prince met a naturally gorgeous, skinny young maiden with the voice of a million angels. The prince and the maiden fell in love and they kissed in a hotel room that the maiden rented for that very occasion. The spell was broken and the prince married the maiden, because she was way more gorgeous, way skinnier, looked better in a bikini and had way more Twitter followers than the nasty witch. The end!

Here’s Eddie and Falkor scaring all living things with her facial expressions at Extra this morning

Charlize Theron Was Mean To Tia Mowry At A Spin Class

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

I’ve always had a like for Charlize Theron, because she auditioned for Showgirls, wrestled Teri Snatcher in 2 Days in the Valley and plays down river trash like no other. But my like for her began to die when she started regularly wrapping her lips around Sean Penn’s dick and when blind items suggested that she’s always been a raging asshole. And now, she’s really, really, REALLY gone and done it. Charlize was mean to one of the Sister, Sister sisters at the overpriced torture chamber known as EatYourSoul Cycle. Somewhere in the deep, smelly bowels of Hell, one of Satan’s minions is making up a cell for Charlize Theron, because that’s where you go when you’re cunty to one of the stars of ABC’s TGIF! Bitch is lucky she wasn’t mean to Kimmy Gibbler.

In an exclusive interview that I’m sure will be picked up and thoroughly analyzed by CNN, the BBC and Al-Jazeera, Tia Mowry tells InTouch that she’s a fan of Charlize’s work, so when she saw Sean Penn’s #2 homegirl (after the late Hugo Chavez, of course) at a spin class, she decided to say hi. Either Tia Mowry is Charlize’s least favorite Mowry sister or she’s an uneducated twat who doesn’t know a true star from the 90s when she sees one, because she did what most of us do when we see Sean Penn’s face: she rolled her eyes. Tia told this harrowing tale of her bitchy moment with Charlize:

“She wasn’t very nice to me. I said ‘Hi,’ and she actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’ I wasn’t over-the-top. I know how to approach another celebrity. Charlize was just mean. I’m just being honest.”

Tia Mowry missed a really good opportunity to say, “GO HOME, ROGER!”

This was obviously a major misunderstanding, because I don’t know how anybody could be bitchy toward a Mowry sister.  Here’s what really happened: Charlize wasn’t rolling her eyes, her eyes were spazzing out, because she couldn’t believe that she was staring at the one and only Tia Mowry! And Tia Mowry left before Charlize could finish her sentence. Charlize was about to say, “Oh my God…..I can’t believe I’m meeting the star of my favorite movie Twitches!” Tia was actually the one being rude to Charlize. Oh, Tia, why did you have to be so mean to your #1 fan?

The Whoopsie Baby Ryan Gosling Put In Eva Mendes Might Have Happened During A Break-Up

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Radar (I’ll wait while you grab the Mortons), handsome Canadian hottie Ryan Gosling never intended for one of his hunky sperms to recreate the rain scene from The Notebook with one of Eva Mendes’s ovaries. A source claims that Ryan and Eva’s relationship had circled the toilet in a bad way and Ryan was ready to disappear like his accent. But before he said “Bye, bitch!”, he made the mistake of grabbing a quick hump before grabbing his coat, and busting a bareback nut into Eva’s overly-attached pussy (which looks something like this). Ryan must have a major case of TDS (trapped dick syndrome), because the second after he blew his Breaker High load, they decided to get back together. And a little while later, Eva came down with a case of fetus fever.

But knocking Eva up with a whoopsie baby has done nothing to fix their busted relationship, and apparently things are still “tense”. Tense Moment #1: Eva wants to marry Ryan’s ass, but Ryan would rather shove a pair of JT’s old overalls up his ass than split a ring on Eva’s hungry finger. Tense Moment #2: Eva was pissed that Ryan called up Nick Cassavetes and bitched him out for running his mouth about his feud with Rachel McAdams on the set of The Notebook. Apparently Ryan won’t stop talking about his former boo, and that “Rachel is definitely a source of ongoing tension between Ryan and Eva.”

This mess sounds like the dramatic prequel to some lazy real-life Notebook fanfic. All that’s missing is a part where Eva lures Ryan into the shed by shouting “Ryan, come quick! I found an injured squirrel who needs help!”, then slams the door and locks him inside, cackling “MUWAHAHA!! If I can’t have you, NO ONE WILL!” as she flies away on a broom to Rachel McAdam’s house with a basket full of poisoned apples.

Lana Del Rey Has Done A Lot Of Dudes In The Industry

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Lana Del Rey, the character played by Elizabeth Woolridge Grant and created with her rich daddy’s money, tells Complex that she tried to fuck her way to the top, but giving dudes in the industry a taste of her Pepsi-Cola pussy (“Eh, tastes more like a bland and flat Pepsi knock-off bought at Big Lots.” – every industry dude who’s tasted her Shasta  Cola pussy) didn’t even put her on the first step of the ladder. During her interview with Complex, the world’s first fully functional comatose patient was asked if her song “Fucked My Way Up To The Top” is a commentary on people thinking she fucked for a record deal or if she really did use her coochie to get ahead. Blahna Del Meh said that it’s commentary, but she has dropped her twat on a lot of music industry dick.

There are a few different ways to take your song “Fucked My Way Up to the Top.” Is it about people not wanting to give you credit for your success? Or is it about fucking people to get to the top?

It’s commentary, like, “I know what you think of me,” and I’m alluding to that. You know, I have slept with a lot of guys in the industry, but none of them helped me get my record deals. Which is annoying.

Help me, I’m beginning to like Lana Del Rey again. I love it when a ho, even a fictional one, admits that she tried to sex her way to success, but failed, because it was kind of impossible for the industry dudes to sign her to a record deal when they were in a deep coma after putting their mouths on a giant, human Ambien pill. But Lana is doing some grade A trolling as always, because why would she need to suck dick for record deals when she’s got her daddy’s millions? That song should’ve been called “My Daddy’s Wallet Bought My Way Up To The Top-ish.” 

Boning old, gross dudes for the possibility of a record deal is one thing (I mean, I’ve boned old, gross dudes for a lot less), but how she can explain fucking current day Axl Rose after getting a record deal? I’m guessing that the only thing she got out of that is the recurring nightmare of the Crisco and coke-infused sweat drops from his bloated ginger Wilford Brimley face splashing her in the eyes as he did her missionary-style.

 

Justin Bieber Got A Job Modelling Underwear For Calvin Klein

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Back in April, it was rumoured that pre-pubescent rat boy Justin Bieber had shot a bunch of Calvin Klein ads with Pimp Mama Kris’s backup-Kim Kendull Jenner, but nobody really paid it much thought, since those two attention-desperate teens are always taking pictures in their underwear. But it looks like the rumours were true. The Daily Mail says that Calvin Klein has gone ahead and spit on the legacy of Marky Mark and his funky bulge by hiring Jack Gleeson’s non-union Canadian equivalent to be the baby face of an upcoming campaign.

A Calvin Klein source (whatever the hell that is) told The Daily Mail that Justin Bieber has shot for Calvin Klein and that they “hope the results will be released later this year” and that Baby Bieber’s campaign will be used to launch CK’s new line of upscale potty training pants (needs verification).

Calvin Klein has a rich history of hiring jailbait-looking models for their underwear ads, so it makes sense that they’d hire eternal toddler Justin Bieber to pose in his pull-ups. But it does feel a little weird having Justin model underwear when I’m not entirely sure his balls have dropped yet. Or maybe they really ARE launching a line of CK Juniors? Regardless, Chris Hansen should probably keep his schedule free for “later this year”.

And maybe this explains why Justin Bieber was recently cruising around Disneyland in a wheelchair. I’m guessing he showed up for his modelling gig and went straight for the big boy boxers, only to discover that the pair of XXS men’s undies were still too big for his little baby body. But because he’s a stubborn toddler, he put them on and demanded they start the shoot. Unfortunately, they almost instantly fell down past his knees, causing him to trip and fall and twist his ankle. Calvin Klein didn’t want to get sued, so they shut the little brat up by sending him on an all-expenses paid trip to Disneyland. Mystery solved!

Here’s more of Mahky Mahk Jr. in Beverly Hills earlier today. Oh my god, he can walk again! It’s a miracle!

Pic: Instagram, Splash

Naya Rivera Takes Her Kim Kardashian And JLo Impersonations To The Next Level

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

When Naya Rivera, the result of a Dollar General JLo doll and 99 Cent Store Kim Kardashian doll melting together in the sun, commits to Kim Kartrashian and JLo impersonations, the bitch really commits to Kim Kartrashian and JLo impersonations. Three months after she broke off her engagement to Big Sean, the swap meet Kanye to her swap meet Kim, Naya married an actor type named Ryan Dorsey in Cabo San Lucas on July 19th. Does this mean that Naya and Big Sean’s relationship was a fraud wrapped in lies wrapped in a PR stunt and she was doing this Ryan Dorsey trick behind-the-scenes the entire time?! I don’t know, but I do know that Naya is 27 years old, so she better spend her honeymoon filing annulment papers, because she needs to move onto the next husband if she wants to keep up with her face and life inspirations.

People (who can now list “Publishing those Naya Rivera wedding pictures” under charity contributions on their tax return) got the EXCLUSIVO pictures of Naya and Ryan getting one step closer to becoming divorced exes. Naya and Ryan got married on the beach in Cabo in front of a small group of family and friends who sat there while thinking to themselves, “I really hope this isn’t a shot gun situation, because I don’t want to waste my money on a wedding AND a baby gift for these two wrecks.” Naya wore a dress by Monique Lhuillier and a face by DuPont.

I’m sure that just like the melted plastic water bottles that she injects into her face, Naya and Ryan’s love will last for eternity and never disintegrate. Naya and Ryan shat out this statement of words about their wedding to People:

“We feel truly blessed to be joined as husband and wife. Our special day was fated and everything we could have ever asked for.”

And if you didn’t think this wedding could be more of a troll wedding, they had to spit out this hilarious dingle, “True love always prevails.” Let me fix that for you, Naya: “Fame whoring always prevails.” Better!

IN THIS ECONOMY, I don’t blame Naya for marrying her rebound. Naya was supposed to marry Big Sean, so she probably already bought the dress and booked the venue, the flowers, the DJ, the photographer, the food and already tipped the paparazzi off. Why let all of that go to waste?! Naya will lose a job, a record contract and her original face, but she refuses to let go of her wedding deposits!

You can’t really tell what Ryan Dorsey’s face looks like in the picture above, so here’s some pictures of his “hybrid of Ryan Phillippe and Adam Brody with a drop of Jared Padalecki” face and more importantly, his nipples.

Pics: Instagram

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