Archives: July 2014

Would You Eat It?

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’ve ever wanted to see a lion cake make a “¿por qué yo” face, throw a JLo cake on top of it. That lion cake hates its cake life and can’t wait for someone to put it out of its misery by eating it.

At the 45th birthday party that JLo threw for herself at a restaurant in Southampton, NY last night, some of her guests said to themselves, “Oh God, I hope the ass part isn’t filled with chocolate fudge,” when the awkward and hilarious cake of JLo the Leo sprawled out on a lion came out. The crown jewel of the Cake Wrecks crown has been found! I know that’s supposed to be JLo, but it looks more like a Filipino boy in drag as a young Imelda Marcos. What I’m saying is that Casper Smart really wants to fuck that cake.

The best part of this messy cake is that it looks like JLo’s thighs and ass are three times the size of her torso and head. That cake might be telling the future, because if JLo’s ass keeps growing, it’ll eat her torso and head and she’ll be nothing but a gigantic butt with legs.

jlobirthdaycake1

That cake definitely tests my love for cake. But yeah, I’d eat it. I’d eat JLo’s cakes. But then again, if you covered a CROC in frosting, I’d probably eat that too.

via Instagram via The Daily Mail 

And Now, For An “Excuse My Beauty” Moment From Kristen Stewart

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

When Hollywood actress, fashion muse, and professional scowler Kristen Stewart showed up to a Chanel show in Paris three weeks ago looking like a discount Drop Dead Fred had a three-way with I Dream of Jeannie’s butch sister and a Joey Russo doll, my eyes glazed over from the intense concentration of glamour and I fell into a style coma. When I woke up, I prayed that one day Kristen would return to stun us once again with her effortless (read: zero effort) no-fucks-given style. And she did! This morning, Kristen Stewart turned the moving walkways of LAX into a haute couture runway when she sashayed through security looking like Skid Row Ron Weasley. I think this may be a sartorial best for K-Stew.

Kristen also sort of looks like what you’d get it if The Hamburglar knocked up Linda Perry, and she gave the baby to a glue-huffing Fry Kid who raised the baby in that weird sketchy party room that every McDonald’s has in the basement (you know, the one that smells like cheap cake and sadness and cheese?) and her only contact with the outside world was a partially-scratched Joy Division CD she found in the parking lot one night, which is to say…c’est magnifique.

Here’s more of Kristen Stewart redefining effortless chic and classic American style at LAX earlier today. I don’t know what NTF or NJF means, but I assume it either stands for Not Terribly Funky (she looks like she smells funky, but not terribly so) or New Junkie Fashion:

Pics: Fame Flynet

Susan Sarandon On Gross Ass Woody Allen, Hot Ass David Bowie And Weed

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above showing 60-something women the RIGHT way to dress, Susan Sarandon talked to The Daily Beast while promoting her new movie The Last of Robin Hood. The Daily Beast didn’t ask Susan Sarandon the question I’d ask, which is, why would she let them put a tortured, beaten elderly poodle on her head for that movie I paid way too much to see, but they did ask her about the child-touching turtle, Burning Man, drugs and David Bowie. Based on her answers, it’s clear that the ping pong-playing cougar isn’t going to be in a Woody Allen movie anytime soon (but like she gives three fucks) and I’m suddenly jealous of her twat, because it has been touched by the intergalactic, glitter-covered alien rod attached to David Bowie’s crotch.

On if she did psychedelics when she went to Burning Man last year: Well, it’s pretty psychedelic to begin with. But, yeah, I’m not new to the idea of mushrooms. I don’t really like chemical things, really. Timothy Leary was a friend of mine, so that acid was nice and pure, but I’m not really looking for chemicals, and I don’t like to feel speedy. But I’ve done Ayahuasca and I’ve done mushrooms and things like that. But I like those drugs in the outdoors—I’m not a city-tripper. My attitude about marijuana or anything is, “Don’t be stoned if you have to pretend you’re not,” so I’d never do drugs if I was taking care of my kids. I like doing it in the Grand Canyon, or in the woods. You want to be prepared and not have responsibilities. It does remind you of your space in the universe—your place in the universe—and reframe things for you. I think you can have some very profound experiences.

On legalizing the good shit in NYC and everywhere else: It got decriminalized in small amounts. It will be legal everywhere, and that will cause a very interesting tipping point. Certainly, if more people were smoking instead of drinking, people don’t get mean on weed, don’t beat up their wives on weed, and don’t drive crazy on weed. They just get hungry, don’t go out of the house, or laugh a lot. I think it would make for a much more gentle world. Well, it needs to be treated as a controlled substance in that you don’t give it to kids, and you don’t drive. Certainly, liquor has caused many more deaths. There’s never been a death by marijuana. And the money spent to incarcerate people, the money spent on the drug war, and the fact that cartels are running wild, it’s crazy.

On her issues with Woody Allen: I think he really tore that family apart in a way that was horrible, and hasn’t really dealt with the aftermath. He’s always had a reputation for being with younger girls—I mean younger girls. And also, that young woman [Soon-Yi] was very vulnerable, and I think it was very hard for the siblings, and certainly for Mia. You just don’t go there. You don’t go there.

On doing and dating David Bowie back in the day: Yeah. He’s worth idolizing. He’s extraordinary. That was a really interesting period. I wasn’t supposed to have kids, and I’m the oldest of nine and had mothered all of them, so I wasn’t ever in a mode to where I was looking to settle down and raise a family, so that definitely changes the gene pool you’re dipping into. But Bowie’s just a really interesting person, and so bright. He’s a talent, and a painter, and… he’s great.

I nodded my head like, “Tell it, bitch,” at a lot of stuff that came out of Susan Sarandon’s mouth, but the record scratched and she lost me when she said something that doesn’t make any sense. Susan made my brain squint and fart out a question mark when she said, “So I’d never do drugs if I was taking care of my kids.” There is a time and a place to smoke the good shit and one of those times is when you’re about to take care of some screaming brats. Taking care of kids while sober? Has playing all that ping pong jiggled her brains?

One time, my cousin asked me to take care of her 4-year-old for 30 minutes while she went to the store and she told me not to drink too much booze because I needed to stay alert (whatever that meant). Telling me “Don’t drink a lot of booze while taking care of this screaming, crying child for 30 minutes” is like telling me, “I really want you to have a nervous breakdown and run into oncoming traffic while pulling your head off of your neck with your hands.” Bitch was sending me on a suicide mission.

So again, what is Susan Sarandon saying? Has she ever been around children? She must’ve been stoned when she said it. I take that back it. She was obviously sober when she said it. That’s the problem.

Megan Fox Believes That If Anyone Is Going To Find Bigfoot, It’s Megan Fox

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

While promoting her upcoming film Cheap Green Dildo Goblins at Comic-Con yesterday, Megan Fox moved the conversation away from busted rubber-faced disasters (I’ll let you decide if I was referring to the ninja turtles) to Khloe Kardashian’s not-so-distant relatives by telling People that, yes, Bigfoot is real, and that he needs to watch his elusive hairy ass, because she’s coming for him!

“Bigfoot’s real. And I have confidence in myself that if I were ever to be taken out on an expedition … I would be the one to find Bigfoot.”

Meanwhile, somewhere in the middle of a California forest, Bigfoot gave an interview to Sasquatch Weekly where he claims that somewhere in Hollywood, there’s a living Real Doll. Many believe she’s a hoax, that it’s nothing more than a human in blow-up doll drag, like Farrah Abraham. But he knows that if he could just get his hands on a fake plastic surgery license and a sign that says FREE BOTOX IF YOU KNOW MICHAEL BAY, he could catch her and prove she’s real.

Here’s more of Finding Bigfoot’s biggest fan and Harry’s worst enemy at Comic-Con yesterday serving up some black liquorice couture and frozen-faced narcoleptic realness:

Pics: Splash

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Joe ManJello And Sofia Vergara’s PR People Need To Work Harder For That Bonus

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s our new Henry Cavill and Kaley Cuckoo gently and delicately kissing each other in front of a pap at Miami International Airport yesterday. After getting on a flight from LAX, Joe ManJello and Sofia Vergara walked outside, stood on the marked X on the sidewalk where their PR whores told them to stand and stuck with the script by softly touching each other’s lips. The Hell kind of choreographed kiss is that?! Joe and Sofia are supposed to make genitals explode and bring on a panty pudding tsunami with their joint hotness and that’s how they kiss in front of the paps? That is the soft, cold, wet dick of kisses.

I want to travel back in time to yesterday, take my ass to the Miami International Airport, find the van that Sofia’s PR bitch is in, take away the walkie they’re using to feed instructions into the earpiece she’s wearing and scream at her to wrap her tongue around Joe’s entire head, suck his tonsils out with her mouth, rip his clothes off with her bare teeth, rip a hole in the crotch of her jeans with her nails, mount him and then bone him until his dick falls off. Then after his dick falls off, she needs to pull it out of her, sew it back onto his crotch with help from the sewing kit in her purse and bone him some more. That’s the proper and natural way to show “love” to Joe ManJello after getting off of a long flight. Instead they’re giving us this weak, lovey dovey bullshit.

Joe’s delicately kissing her the same way he’d kiss a fragile abuelita on the forehead and she’s holding onto her phone instead of holding onto his peen. There’s something seriously wrong with that picture. Sell it harder, whores! Do it with FEELING.

Pics: FameFlynet

Miranda Kerr Claims It Only Takes Her 15 Minutes To Get Ready In The Morning

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

In a blog post written for her skincare like, Kora Organics, toddler-faced supermodel Miranda Kerr says in “My Morning Beauty Routine” (via Daily Mail) that she’s often asked how it’s possible for a genetic lottery winner to look so effortlessly gorgeous day after day. She claims that from the moment she pulls her giant bobble head off the pillow in the morning, it takes her about as much time as it takes me to choose whether I want to eat my breakfast cereal out of a bowl or just pour it directly into my mouth before she’s ready to step out the door and greet the crowd of paps she hired to wait outside her apartment:

“I usually have very little time in the mornings, especially with a toddler, so with these simple skin and beauty steps I can get out the door in 15 minutes.”

So what does Miranda do in those 15 minutes? Fucking EVERYTHING. She begins her day by squeezing half a lemon into a glass of warm water (how very GOOP of you, Miranda), dry brushing her entire body like a damn show pony, takes a shower, applies body lotion and a bunch of face shit, styles her hair, applies makeup, gets dressed in clothes that aren’t sweatpants or a casual muumuu, presses a bunch of veggies into the juicer, chugs it, then – VOILA! Miranda Kerr is done, and still has time left over to watch Hoda and Kathie Lee get day drunk on the 4th hour of the Today show.

For those of you who spend your first 15 minutes in the morning trying to pee without falling asleep on the toilet, this probably seems like total bullshit. But I totally believe her; Miranda has to get out there and start hunting billionaires! 15 minutes is probably generous; I bet that once she catches the scent of money, she’s out the door in 60 seconds.

Here’s more of Miranda heading to the airport looking like she only had 15 minutes to get ready:

Pics: Splash

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Zoe Saldana Would Like To Thank The Media For Invading Her Privacy By Reporting About The Babies In Her Womb

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Anybody with the sense of sight who has seen recent pictures of Zoe Saldana could see that her body is currently leasing out space to a growing fetus who will hopefully inherit its father’s stunningly, luscious mane. So most of us let out a collective “duuuuuurrrrr” when UsWeekly said that Zoe Saldana has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! and we even “meh’d” when E! News said that two babies checked into her uterus. UsWeekly was basically just stating the obvious. But Zoe Saldana is disgusted and grossed out by the media violating her life by reporting a piece of information that her publicist probably gave them so she’d get attention days before her big summer movie comes out. How dare they! Zoe slapped at the media on Twitter yesterday and quoted former Polish President Lech Walesa while doing so.

Since we’re on the subject of “thank yous,” lets all give thanks to Zoe Saldana.

My stomach would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating it and bringing it pain by making me laugh so goddamn hard when she starred in totally natural and not-at-all choreographed photo-op pictures with noted beard whisperer Bradley Cooper.

Nina Simone’s daughter would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating her wishes by doing blackface to play her mother.

The entire wig industry would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating them and making them look bad by wearing that busted, 2 cent Rosemary’s Baby wig.

And finally, I’d like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating my eyeballs in a good way by introducing them to her hipster Fabio-like husband who could make my nipples pass out by flipping his gorgeous hair in the wind. Thank you, fucking Zoe Saldana!

Here’s some pictures from last night’s London premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy including some of Zoe Saldana’s fetus dome. But don’t look at it! Don’t look at the bump that’s obviously grow growing babies in it. Don’t look at it and shut your trash mouth, we’re not supposed to talk about it!

Pics: Wenn.com

Nicki Minaj Thinks There’s A Double-Standard When It Comes To Pictures Of Asses

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Nicki Minaj released the artwork for her upcoming single “Anaconda”, which featured a shot of Nicki proudly showing off her hungry silicone-stuffed beanbag chair booty devouring a pink g-string. Most of us rolled our eyes and told her to put it away, since we’ve all seen her ass a million times. And apparently our lack of respect for her airbrushed bubble butt pissed Nicki off, because last night she took to Instagram to complain.

Nicki posted four pictures of skinny swimsuit models like Nina Agdal and Lily Aldridge (you can’t call her racist though, because she threw in a picture of 1/2 Thai Chrissy Teigen) popping their bony model butts out with the caption: “Acceptable”. She then re-posted the picture of her greased up anaconda-swallowing-a-baby-hippo ass, which she captioned “Unacceptable”. Yes, it IS unacceptable! Why isn’t anyone trying to save that poor baby hippo?!?

Obviously she’s just upset that there weren’t more people drooling over her overstuffed pasta shells ass, but she’s sort of going after the wrong people (or butts, as the case may be). Comparing the bony flat asses of a bunch of boring Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to Nicki’s plastic grocery bag filled with off-brand Fix-A-Flat is an apples-to-oranges situation. It’s sort of like the time I threw shade at my friend after she’d admitted to smoking meth, and she hissed back that I was a hypocrite because I drank Diet Coke (her logic was that it’s “all chemicals”. Classic meth logic). Butts and meth, it’s all the same, you know?

But what Nicki doesn’t realize is that when people where telling her to put her to put her ass away, it was because we were trying to protect her! The second The Hammaconda got wind of the artwork for “Anaconda”, it would have no doubt called its lawyers and demanded they draft up a cease and desist regarding the blatant appropriation of their name, as well as the unlawful resemblance between their balls and her ass.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

The Twerking Granny of Vine! 

Miley Cyrus’ Bisquick Shake ‘N Pour pancake ass bludgeoned, flattened and buried twerking months ago, but thankfully, this hot piece of granny sexiness resurrected it by twerking on a parked car in a backyard. Vine user Brittany Lyn Turner (via Jezebel) threw up a Vine of a memaw gone wild shaking her bits and wattles for the camera. While some abuelitas slap you down with a chancleta, this abuelita slaps you down with her twerking ass. Brittany Lyn Turner threw up the Vine with this little note: Susan b Anthony #shetwerkin #twerkteam #twerkdonphonics. We should’ve known that the reincarnation of feminist icon Susan B. Anthony would be a hot, horny memaw who is always exercising her right as a nana to hop on the back of a car, pull up her dress and give everyone an eyeful of her JcPenney chonies while she humps the air. When we all reach the “Activia daiquiris and Benefiber mojitos” phase of life and we’re not twerking our way to hip replacement surgery, we’re doing our golden years wrong.

Here’s the Vine that made the angels up in heaven look down and make a mental note to drop a “thank you” note into God’s comment box for gifting the Earth with this future captain of the Shady Pines Twerk Team. Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, granny. Make your Life Alert explode!

The twerking granny should get together with the crutches-throwing dancing pepaw and Baddie Winkle and take their show international, so they can show the young whores out there how pure, raw bad ass sexiness is really done. And if you didn’t think it was possible for the reincarnation of Susan B. Anthony to serve you more heaping servings of seasoned class, click the cut and get into the Vine of her singing about dudes jacking off in her face while wearing a muumuu. MY IDOL! 

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