When Zoe Saldana showed up to the Guardians of the Galaxy premiere wearing a giant sanitary belt over her front of her dress, most people figured it was because:
A) Her stylist was trying to get fired.
B) She was trying to distract our eyes from noticing that a fetus had moved into her womb.
But the second she turned to the side, all that crafty trompe l’oeil masking tape trickery was useless, and it was pretty obvious she had a case of the babies. Us Weekly says that Zoe Saldana, star of TWO of the greatest dramatic films since the invention of celluloid, Crossroads and Center Stage, is pregnant with her first child. An insider claims that Zoe is three months pregnant, but will only announce it when she’s ready. Until then, I look forward to more awkward attempts at disguising her fetus pouch.
This will be the first baby for Zoe and her husband, Italian artist Marco Perego, and the source claims they’re both super excited. Personally, I’m excited to see if their baby pops out with a full head of luscious butter-colored Fabio hair like its father. I mean, obviously it will, since a luxurious shoulder-length male model mane is hereditary (#science).
So congrats to Zoe and her hot Italian husband Marco Polo! And to baby Saldana-Perego: you might want to schedule a Silkwood shower and a hep shot immediately after you exit your mom, because there’s a chance you were conceived between two train cars on the New York City subway.
Pictures from Chris Martin’s colonoscopy procedure a week after his conscious uncoupling from Goopy. – ProfessorMumbleWhore
…and a Diet Coke, please. – Slurpee
Chachi, the one-eyed chihuahua and Joanie the pit bull, his best friend and protector!
Before I start throwing up eye roll-worthy stuff about fame whores and pieces of trash, here’s a giant cup of feelings for us to start our day with. HuffPo says that about a week ago, cops found Joanie and Chachi wandering around a neighborhood in Savannah, GA together. Animal Control Officers showed up to check the two out and when they arrived, they found Joanie carrying her injured friend in her mouth. Joanie would put Chachi down from time to time to lick his busted eye (an evil cat did it, obviously) and cops say that he “appreciated the attention.” The two best friends were taken to the Savannah Chatham Metropolitan Animal Control Shelter and they had to be separated while vets treated Chachi’s bum eye. They weren’t able to save his eye, but they patched him up and now he gets to see his BFF 4 EVA for an hour or two during the day.
The police were hoping that Joanie and Chachi’s owner would’ve come to the shelter to claim them by now, but either that owner doesn’t know where they are or that owner has a dead heart made of Lucifer’s ass nuggets, because no one has come forward. Joanie and Chachi are now up for adoption and I would take their asses in a second if I lived anywhere near Savannah and if my dog wouldn’t hate me for making him their third wheel (aka the Richie to Joanie and Chachi’s Joanie and Chachi). The shelter is hoping to adopt them together, because they only have eyes for each other. Well, Joanie only has eyes for Chachi, but Chachi only has an eye for Joanie.
Animal Control Officer Christina Sutherin says that Joanie and Chachi are special friends and they should never be parted:
“It’s not every day we get to see such devotion between two special dogs like this. They are both such sweet animals. But the relationship they share just sets them apart. “Staff is amazed at the dedication and love these two have for one another. Neither one seems to care about another dog they are exposed to, only each other. They truly appear to be soul mates.”
They really are soulmates…. Unless, they’re really criminal partners on the run and they aren’t getting closer to other dogs, because they don’t want to blow their cover. Either way, I’ve overdosed on awwwwws and now I’m filled with sunshine, rainbows and hope. I need to go and read a Justin Bieber story so I feel dead inside again.
Daniel Radcliffe (25)
Tristan MacManus (32)
Paul Wesley (32)
Michelle Williams (34)
Kathryn Hahn (41)
Omar Epps (41)
Monica Lewinsky (41)
Marlon Wayans (42)
Alison Krauss (43)
Charisma Carpenter (44)
Stephanie Seymour (46)
Eriq La Salle (52)
Woody Harrelson (53)
Edie McClurg (63)
Pimp Mama Kris Instagramm’d this nasty ass picture of her and her 3 whores today and besides the obvious comment of, “Where is a swarm of piranhas when you really need one?”, I have 4 comments about this mess:
2. E! calls this picture “a sexy family photo” (double heave) and thinks all these pieces of trash are topless. I’m pretty sure they’re wearing black swimsuits, but I’m sure that sometime next week PMK will tweet a picture of her and her hos topless, bottomless and spreading it for retweets.
3. I know Kim’s face looks Photoshopped in real-life, but her face really looks like it was copy+pasted there.
4. Speaking of copy+pasting, there’s a really easy way to make that picture a million times less heave-worthy. Just cover the faces of all those gutter tramps with Bruce Jenner’s pucker-inducing beautiful face.
Someone on Instagram overheard Leonard DiCatchAHo talking shit about Matt Damon at a restaurant in Miami. It’s not known what kind of shit Leonardo was spilling about Matt, but my guess is that he’s pissed, because that whore Matt Damon stole the role of Scott Thorson in Behind the Candelabra from him and he really wanted to do Michael Douglas from behind. That role-wrecking slut Matt Damon! - Lainey Gossip
Looks like Yolanda Foster is raising the next Parasite Hilton – WWTDD
Yes, Justin Theroux is allergic to color, in case you were wondering – Celebitchy
Pure natural elegance has a name and it’s Adriana De Moura! – Reality Tea
And somewhere off in the distance, a scorpion has gone blind - Drunken Stepfather
Backdoor Farrah thinks that Jessica Alba or Sandra Bullock should play her in a movie, and I would expect nothing less from a plastic supermarket pony ride with dried cum balls for brains - The Superficial
The producers of Cuckoo have learned that Taylor Lautner’s shit acting skills seem to get a little better when he takes his top off – Towleroad
In “What Did Taylor Swift Wear To Walk Into A Building Today?” news…. – Hollywood Tuna
Sarah Palin got a speeding ticket and she hasn’t blamed Obama, yet – Jezebel
David Lynch designed a yoga wear collection for chicks, because he’s David Lynch and his main job is to keep you WTFing at all times – OMG Blog
Natalie Portman’s hair looks like curly fries – Popoholic
Celeb whores who’ve got the opposite of that Benjamin Button’s shit (but why is Sarah Jessica Parker on this list?) – The Berry
Philip Seymour Hoffman doesn’t want his kids to grow up to be trust fund assholes – ICYDK
Things that’ll make you miss Partners in Kryme: The new Teenage Mutant Turtles theme song – Pajiba
This is what JLo looks like in a bikini in case you forgot – IDLYITW
Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love were vanguards of the bathroom selfie movement – HuffPo
Ryan Phillippe could really use a strong Sharpie brow – Just Jared
It must be weird for Selena Gomez to be with a piece who doesn’t need his diaper changed every 3 hours – Popsugar
Recently I posted pictures of the most gorgeous woman in the world Joan Collins working her yacht body and Leonardo DiCatchAHo working his bloated beach body, so I thought I’d complete the trifecta of hotness by gifting your retinas with the hot gift that is Giorgio Armani looking like a honey roasted chicken in a Speedo while vacationing with his friends in Ibiza. There’s just something about a Voldemort-looking ass 81-year-old with skin as supple as a leather recliner and perky chicken cordon bleu pecs. My only complaint is that Giorgio is supposed to be some kind of fashion legend and yet he’s not keeping up with the latest pepaw trends by wearing a plastic bag satchel tied around his Speedo. I guess the hot Open Post dance machine from yesterday is just too fashion forward.
After terrorizing Times Square by ruining Cabaret for everyone and trying to snatch away a homeless guy’s hat, Shia LaBeouf decided that going the Amanda Bynes way wasn’t the way, so he stopped with all the fuckery and checked into an outpatient rehab facility in L.A. where apparently he cleansed his veins of the sweet nectar and the bad shit. Shia is sober now, and this time, he hopes to stay strapped into the wagon and isn’t even looking out the window. TMZ says that Shia is taking his sobriety seriously and one of the main reasons why he wants to keep his lips off of the bottle is because in a few months he’ll start a great, big promo tour for his movie Fury and he doesn’t want to embarrass his co-star Brad Pitt by acting like a drunken fool.
Some source tells TMZ (“Maddox, what did I tell you about feeding fake shit to TMZ?” – Maddox’s nanny) that the thought of shaming Brad Pitt during their promo tour is keeping Shia sober.
I’ve never had a problem with booze (‘Bitch, the first step is admitting you’re a drunk slut.” – you), but I’m sure that staying sober isn’t easy, so anything that helps a ho to stay booze-free is a good thing. With that being said, Shia should know that it’s impossible for him to embarrass Brad Pitt at a premiere. Brad Pitt is going to be so stoned that he’s not going to know what’s going on around him. Shia could drunkenly stumble onto the red carpet and spit at all of his co-stars and hump a reporter before losing a boxing match to a potted plant, and Brad Pitt wouldn’t notice any of it, because he’d be too busy having a deep, intellectual conversation about architecture with the wall.
But seriously, St. Angie Jolie just pulled off her halo and put it over Brad Pitt’s greasy, flea-ridden head. Today, Brad Pitt is the saint of the family. I mean, Brad Pitt helps drunks stay sober just by being Brad Pitt.
Here’s Shia working his signature “dirty, hitchhiking hipster” look while leaving a house in L.A. yesterday.
Normally Blue Ivy Carter wouldn’t degrade herself by participating in such an obvious stunt, but desperate times call for desperate measures. After seeing the pictures of Baby Prince George celebrating his 1st birthday by petting butterflies at the Natural History Museum, Blue Ivy swore there was no way she was going to let the second most famous rich baby in the world steal any attention away from her by releasing pictures of him staring vacantly at a bug. Today may be his birthday, but every day is Blue Ivy Day!
The only problem was thinking of something better to be photographed with than a butterfly, but the best her intern (North West) could come up with was gluing a pair of googly-eyes to one of Beyoncé’s old weaves and trying to pass it off as an exotic rodent. Eventually she decided that the only way she could snatch people’s eyes away from Baby Prince George and his butterfly was to pretend to be an actual butterfly (“You weren’t born with the ability to fly, Baby Prince George? Tsk-tsk, what a shame”), so she had her parents hoist her up and make it look like she was gracefully floating above the peasants. You know, more than she usually does.
Unfortunately, when North West posted the picture to Instagram, she forgot to Photoshop out Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s legs, and the whole thing was ruined. Cut to Baby Prince George and Lupo hunched over the royal iPad and cackling with sadistic glee.
Baby Prince George: 1, Blue Ivy: 0.
If it was up to Ben Stein, he’d be the host of Win Ben Stein’s Peeny, because he is a proud horny motherfucker who is like a teenager on Viagra and still gets “mad crushes” on beautiful ladies. In a rambling, weird column for The American Spectator, which came out last month, Ben Stein writes that his craving for beautiful ladies has led him to some gold digging situations. Shocking, I know. The 69-year-old married pepaw wrote about a woman he called “Lucia” who hit him up for cash. Ben says that he met Lucia at San Francisco International Airport and after talking for a few minutes, they exchanged numbers. They texted each other for months. Ben described Lucia as being a gorgeous “Eurasian” writer who used to work as a pussy peddler. One day, Lucia told him she got knocked up and wasn’t with the father of her unborn child anymore. Lucia asked Ben for cash and Ben, being super pro-life, gave it to her. But after Ben’s column came out, Lucia (real name: Tanya Ma) ran her ass off to Page Six and said that Ben Stein isn’t the giving Captain Save-A-Ho he makes himself out to be. Ben is a creepy predator who wanted to hug and kiss on her pregnant body.
Tanya tells Page Six that she’s only coming out with her side of the story and sharing texts Ben wrote her, because she’s a vigilante for justice and wants all of womankind to know about his sleazy ways.
Tanya Ma, a 24-year-old pregnant performance artist, said she contacted Page Six to tell her story because she doesn’t “want him to continue to do this to women.”
“It’s much more than sexting, cyber-escorting or being a sugar daddy — it’s unhealthy and toxic behavior that needs to be exposed.”
Tanya says that when she met Ben Stein, she thought he was interested in her as a writer, but after texting for four months, he started asking her for “racy” pictures. Tanya sent him some pictures, but he kept asking for more and more. That didn’t seem to bother Tanya too much, because she never blocked his number and she even agreed to meet him at a hotel near his house in L.A. Tanya says that Ben’s wife knew about everything and didn’t care. Tanya eventually called off their date in the hotel room when Ben told her he wanted to hug AND kiss her. Tanya was totally okay with Ben touching her baby dome, but kisses were off the table.
But “the day before I was supposed to meet him, he texted me” about wanting to touch and kiss, she said.
Ma said the ex-Comedy Central star wrote, “When you get here i want to hug and kiss you. I understand you don’t want to fuck me. But i want to touch you and kiss you.”
“I knew he had developed a crush on me, but it just started to get weird,” said a grossed-out Ma, who is 18 weeks pregnant by a former beau.
Growing “horribly uncomfortable” with his antics, Ma said, she texted back: “Ben, you may hug me and feel my baby bump, but anything more is too much for me. I’m not your girlfriend. Can’t we simply enjoy a conversation and meal? I’m pregnant.”
That dialogue sounds like the start of the worst and most uncomfortable pregnant porn ever. The texts that Tanya gave Page Six and the rest of this mess of a story are after the cut. Ben Stein better pay for the hypnosis sessions I’ll need to cleanse my brain of the image of him getting moist in the tip while telling Tanya that he wants to touch her baby bump.