Archives: July 2014

Night Crumbs

July 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Is this NeNe Leakes in Zumanity or the Cowardly Lion in bad drag? That may or may not be a trick question – Reality Tea

Consciously Recoupled: Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow haven’t - Lainey Gossip

Whether or not Jenny McCarthy told Melissa McCarthy to lose some chunk, the entire world needs to tell Jenny McCarthy to lose all the chunk on her fat mouth and shut the hell up already – Celebitchy

The answer to the question, “What has Adriana from 90210 been up to?” is “Taking pictures of her plastic ball titty domes on the beach and not much else.” –  Drunken Stepfather

Wonky McValtrex found another victim – WWTDD

Who knew that an expired silicone breast implant of a person could raise a child who is smart, reasonable and probably hates her as much as everyone else does – The Superficial

Latarian Milton’s impact – Jezebel

FYI: Cam from Modern Family is a bossy bottom, which means that Mitchell is a top?! Can’t be. They must wear the hell out of their double-sided dildo – Towleroad

I see that creepy hand trying to creep its way to Jessica Alba’s chichis area – Hollywood Tuna

Leonardo DiCatchAHo takes his floating Pussy Posse Palace to Ibiza – Popsugar

How many inanimate objects does it take to hide a herp sore on Vanessa Hudgens’ lip? – Popoholic

But how does Terrence Howard expect his ex-wife to stay baby wipes fresh if he cuts off her alimony?! – ICYDK

No, these pepaws and memaws have nothing on the crutches-throwing wedding dancer, but they’ve still got moves – The Berry

My heart goes out to you hos who watch Sons of Anarchy, because you’ll have to suffer through an episode starring Lea MicheleHuffPo

And here’s a Russian raccoon eating grapes – OMG Blog

I was “eh” about Disney’s new Jungle Book movie, but throw in Christopher Walken’s voice as an orange orangutan and suddenly my “eh” turns into a “yeeeessssPajiba

Panty Creamer of the Day: Stephen Amell flashes his cum gutters at Comic-Con – Just Jared

Don Rickles speaks for us all when it comes to Justin BieberSOW

Pic: Getty


Open Post: Hosted By Mickey Rourke’s Neon Green Package

July 28, 2014 / Posted by:

If you spent some time with Christopher Meloni’s large bag of pepperonis” bulge today, then I’m sure your genitals tingled themselves raw and are currently huffing and puffing and can barely lift themselves since they’re all out of energy. Well, slap that bitch awake and feed it some Gatorade, because it’s time for round 2 now that Mickey Rourke is here looking like a barbecued rawhide chip in hot neon green Spandex leggings and frazzled abuelita hair. Mickey Rourke is giving us Richard Simmons’ butch grandma hotness.

It’s strange, I don’t remember seeing on the news last night that there was a 40 car pile-up in West Hollywood and dozens of people had to be transported to the hospital after passing out. Because here’s Loki’s soulmate standing outside of a gym in West Hollywood yesterday and you’d think that drivers would’ve been blinded by the glaring sexiness beaming off of his melted tennis ball crotch and lost control of their cars. Then after crashing into each other, you’d also think that drivers would jump out of their cars, take in more of Mickey’s hotness and pass out on the street. And no, I didn’t actually watch the news last night since I was too busy watching 20 episodes of Flip or Flop (which sadly isn’t a gay porn game show), but you’d think HGTV would break in to report on the adventures of Mickey Rourke’s dick.

Pics: Splash


Cara Delevingne Wore A Rabbit Fur Jacket To Leonardo DiCaprio’s Wildlife Fundraiser

July 28, 2014 / Posted by:

I haven’t been to that many charity events in my life (Wait, does my 4th grade birthday party count? I mean, half of the kids there were only there for the cake and were forced to be there by their parents who felt sorry for my ass), but even I know that when you go t a charity event, you shouldn’t promote or do anything that goes against the cause. If you go to a D.A.R.E. event, you should probably wait until after that shit finishes to smoke heroin out of a pipe made of coke while butt snorting meth in the bathroom. If you go to an event for Human Rights Watch, you probably shouldn’t wear a Justin Bieber t-shirt since Justin Bieber is a walking human rights violation. So either model type Cara Delevingne was in the mood for trolling or the wolf brows on her face sucked out every piece of her brain for nourishment. Because that piece of trash wore a rabbit fur coat to a wildlife fundraiser in St. Tropez.

Michelle Rodriguez’s partner in pussy and Selena Gomez’s maybe-current partner in pussy showed up to the event for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation in a white tuxedo thing, but sometime during the event, she changed into what looked like a rabbit fur jacket and tiny, white, pussy-exposing track shorts that screamed “I am not on my period!Page Six’s source said that during the event, everybody GASPED when Cara got on the stage with human ass scab Robin Thicke and was wearing a coat that was made of the mutilated bodies of Thumper’s relatives:

“She got up there with Robin Thicke in what looked like a white rabbit fur,” says a spy.

“It was like, wait, this is an event for wildlife!”

Why isn’t there video of this? Specifically, why isn’t there video of Leonard DiCaprio when this was happening, because I really want to see his face go from “Wait, have I fucked her yet?” to “OH GOD SHE’S WEARING PETER COTTONTAIL!” before using his hot karate moves to kung-fu kick her off the stage. This could’ve been a Chelsea Clinton situation and Cara’s jacket could’ve been fake, but probably not.

Bitch probably didn’t even know what the event was for. She was just there for the free press, free booze and free coke. In this dumb twat’s defense, she goes to so many “charity events” for the free press and freeze booze that she forgets what charity the event is for and what the dress code is. At one charity event, she has to wear a red ribbon. At another charity event, she has to wear pink. And at a different charity event, she can’t wear dead animals. How can one bitch remember all that shit?! She was probably booked for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation event and the The Kendall Jones Foundation event in the same week and got the days confused. That’s all.

And Here’s The Burning Man-Approved Trailer For “Mad Max: Fury Road”

July 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Because the only thing that comes out of San Diego Comic-Con are either pictures of Z-listers dressed up in janky superhero costumes or movie trailers, here’s the official trailer for Mad Max: Fury Road, starring a buff-as-shit Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron looking like the broken condom baby of Lori Petty and The Terminator, and a two-headed lizard. Obviously, my favorite part was the lizard. What’s that lizard’s story? How did it get two heads? Is he related to the Geico lizard? Is the lizard Mad Max’s sassy two-headed sidekick? These are the important questions.

I have no idea how the nerds reacted when they saw this trailer, but Mad Max: Fury Road looks like both a damn mess (bad) and an amazing shit show (good). First of all, all that black makeup on Charlize’s forehead makes her look like what I imagine Teresa Giudice will look like 3 weeks into her prison sentence if her cellmate refuses to smuggle her in some Nair. It’s gorgeous. And a big round of applause for Lindsay Lohan, who was clearly the source material for the production designer. From the thick layer of toxic orange grime that’s coating everything to the dusty all-white dudes who looked like roided-up coke boogers, I truly felt like I was trapped inside Blohan’s left nostril. Well done.

My only issues are with the following:

1. Nowhere in that trailer do I see Tom Hardy snuggling a dog. Do dogs no longer exist in future Mad Max times?

2. WHERE IN SWEET SASSY BARTERTOWN IS TINA TURNER?!?! You can’t leave out the hottest Fraggle-haired ho from the Mad Max franchise. Without Tina Turner, who will sing the power ballad to Mad Max: Fury Road, which I assume is called: “We Don’t Need Another Hero, But Hollywood Is Running Out Of Ideas, So Here’s The Follow-Up To Beyond The Thunderdome That No One Asked For”.

RiRi Is Probably Jay-Z’s Side Piece And It’s Ruining His Marriage, So Says Page Six

July 28, 2014 / Posted by:

For what has felt like centuries, the media and Beyonce have been playing a little game of back and forth that she probably orchestrated from the beginning since her weave controls the world. The media will squirt out a story about how Bey-Z’s marriage is on life support and they’re only holding it together for sake of their child brand. Then Beyonce will answer to that rumor by posting a perfect family portrait on Instagram. Rinse, repeat, blah blah blah… But now Page Six is stepping shit up and over the weekend they squatted and pooted out a 10,000 word piece titled “Inside The Crumbling Marriage of Jay-Z and Beyonce.” Instead of that piece, I wish they would’ve explained to me in 10,000 words what kind of slutty burqa outfit (see: ab0ve) Beyonce wears in the On The Run tour, but I guess they’re saving that piece for another day.

Page Six claims they talked to one source who has been deep inside Team Bey-Z for years (aka Basement Baby who called Page Six from the Campbell’s soup can phone in her basement). The source didn’t exactly spit up dingles that are shiny and brand new. They say that Jay-Z and Beyonce have been a business arrangement from the beginning, and she started humping his camel humps, because she knew he’d take her higher and he got with her, because he knew she’d take him higher. Beyonce’s puppet strings used to be pulled by her daddy and now they’re being pulled by her husband. Beyonce can’t take a dump without Jay-Z popping his head in the bathroom to tell her to grunt softer and put a little more stank on it.

“There’s no bigger controller than Jay. She’s great, but she’d be a little lower on the totem pole if it weren’t for hooking up with him. In terms of ambition, talent, business acumen and work ethic, Beyoncé and Jay Z were perfectly matched. They are solid, solid business people who know what they’re doing.”

The source said that Beyonce is starting to get sick of Jay-Z controlling the hard drive in her head and is slowly stepping away from him. The robot uprising is beginning! Apparently, the straw that broke Jay-Z’s back has an infinityhead that is big enough to host the next Comic-Con, has a pair of alien nipples we’ve all seen more than we’ve seen our own and is named RiRi. The source said that RiRi’s the real reason why Basement Baby issued a camel beat down on Jay-Z.

The source says the elevator fight after the Met Ball was really over Jay’s protégé Rihanna, whom he allegedly planned to meet later that night at his 40/40 club. “Solange was like, ‘Enough is enough — you must be [screwing] Rihanna,’” says the source. “To many people who know them, they know it’s not out of the realm of possibility.”

Finally, the source said that Beyonce and Jay-Z will put their dying marriage out of its misery eventually, but it might not happen for a while, because they want to milk as much money out of it as they can.

Today, the source says, it’s not whether they’ll split, but how they’ll split — adding that the only time Jay and Beyoncé are really together is on stage. They’re allegedly traveling with marriage counselors, but Jay — as he’s always done — spends much of his time on the phone, tending to business. “His phone’s constantly ringing,” says the source, “Jay trying to make deal after deal.” Calls to representatives for the couple by The Post were not returned.

The question now is whether to stay married while essentially living separate lives — becoming the Bill and Hillary of hip-hop — or publicly divorce. Ultimately, it will be about the brand. “There’s face-saving involved — they don’t want to be looked at like other celebrities out there,” says the source. “They are business people first, entertainers second. Husband and wife comes somewhere down the line.”

Team Bey-Z has probably been planning this gigantic, break-up stunt for years. They staged and leaked that elevator video so the media would create a tsunami of break-up rumors. They’re going to ride those break-up rumors and use them for maximum publicity until the last show of their tour where they’ll sign the divorce papers onstage. The sight of their Gods breaking up before their eyes will cause the BumbleBeys in the audience to collectively shake so hard that it will creative a destructive, giant sonic boom that will quickly flatten the earth. And as we all turn to dust, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter will escape Earth in a spaceship headed to the next planet they plan to rule and destroy. In other words, this “break-up” shit is all just an Illuminati plot to destroy the world. Don’t take the bait beyt!


Freddie Prinze Jr. Says That Working With Kiefer Sutherland Made Him Want To Quit Acting

July 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Looks like we got ourselves an old-fashioned nepotism fight! In this corner, Freddie Prinze’s has-been C-list heartthrob from the 90s son…Freddie Prinze Jr.! In the opposite corner, Donald Sutherland’s alcoholic Christmas Tree-choking heartthrob from the 80s son…Kiefer Sutherland! Let’s keep it clean, fellas. Just kidding, take as many nasty swipes as you’d like!

Freddie Prinze Jr. was at San Diego Comic-Con this weekend to promote the Disney XD series Star Wars Rebels (I bet he plays a popular-yet-sensitive droid named “Bro2D2″), but he’s apparently still very butthurt from the time he played Cole Ortiz on 24, because he took a moment during an interview with ABC News (via People) to rail hard on his former co-star Kiefer Sutherland:

“I did 24, it was terrible. I hated every moment of it. I just wanted to quit the business after that. So, I just sort of stopped. Kiefer was the most unprofessional dude in the world. That’s not me talking trash, I’d say it to his face. I think everyone that’s worked with him has said that.”

“I went and worked for Vince McMahon at the WWE, for Christ’s sake … but, at least he was cool and tall. I didn’t have to take my shoes off to do scenes with him, which they made me do [at 24]. Just put the guy on an apple box or don’t hire me next time. You know I’m 6 feet and he’s 5’4.”

As much as I love a shady ho from the past who don’t give a flying She’s All That fuck, Freddie needs to watch his mouth and have a seat! Bitch, you were in Delgo! But I do appreciate the creativity in his excuse for why he went from A-list teen star to “The dude from American Pie, right? Am I close?” Freddie Prinze Jr. claiming that he stopped acting because he didn’t like Kiefer Sutherland is almost as good an excuse as Josh Hartnett’s “I stopped acting because I didn’t want to be Superman.” All we need is an excuse from Andrew Keegan, and we’re on our way to a BuzzFeed article.

And Kiefer has yet to publicly respond to his comments, but I’m sure he’s throwing hungover still drunk shade at Freddie from underneath an old Christmas tree somewhere.

The Look Or Not The Look: Piper Perabo’s Lizard Skin Wedding Dress And Her Husband’s Three-Piece Canadian Tuxedo

July 28, 2014 / Posted by:

File under: “Girl You So Different And Edgy” and cross-file under: “Names Your Brain Hasn’t Thought About Since 2000.

Piper Perabo, a member (along with Teri Polo and Leslie Bibb) of the All White Blonde Actresses Look The Same Club of the early 2000s and star of Coyote Ugly, Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Covert Affairs, got married to director, producer and Teri Snatcher’s ex Stephen Kay at the Merchant’s House Museum in NYC on Saturday afternoon. Apparently, Piper and Stephen were going for a New Orleans theme, so a band from New Orleans played them off as they walked out of the museum after getting married. Err, Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is totally different than my idea of a New Orleans-style wedding. My idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is getting married by newlywed, flower of New Orleans and former HSOTD Ashley the Traffic Tranny in a sea of twerkers led by Big Freedia as New Orleans own Richard Simmons throws uncooked Zatarain’s on you. But that’s just me.

Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-themed wedding also includes wearing a dress that looks like a trout’s herpes breakout. Piper Perabo shit on the idea of a generic, boring, white wedding dress and instead wore some silver shit with a gold veil and her new husband wore a raggedy, busted, bought-at-the-Goodwill homeless dude suit that I’m telling myself was made out of denim. Piper and Stephen look like a mermaid with mercury poisoning who almost drowned after getting tangled in a bunch of dead seaweed and was rescued by a former hipster hobo who now works as an accountant for Burning Man. What I’m trying to say is, this IS the look.

And I really hope the band paid homage to Piper Perabo’s roots by playing Can’t Fight The Moonlight at her reception:

Remember when Falkor looked human-esque?

If you need more of the beaver pube patch on Stephen Kay’s chin, here it is at LAX last year.

Pics: People,

Not Surprising: Kim Kardashian Has Kissed One Of Her Step-Brothers

July 28, 2014 / Posted by:

You’ve got to hand it to Pimp Mama Kris; she truly is an innovator when it comes to discovering more grotesque ways for her gaggle of slutty goblins to reach new levels of shamelessness. I know, I’m sure you’re thinking: “But what’s higher than leaking your own daughter’s homemade porno for profit?” Don’t worry, shameless whores always find a way.

On last night’s episode of Keeping Up With A Bunch Of Low-Klass Kunts, the “Brody Gets A Not-Right Boner” saga continued when Brody Jenner admitted to his step-pimp that he got a little turned on by seeing Kim Kardashian dressed like a cheap marshmallow hooker. Then Kris accused Brody of having a crush on his step-sister since he was 7-years-old, to which Brody denied (because – DUH – having a crush on a skanky narcolepsy-faced Botox demon is the kind of secret you take to your grave). But instead of leaving it at that, Brody dragged his brother Brandon Jenner down into the pits of poor taste hell by accusing him of having a crush on Kim and going so far as kissing his step-sister. Brody never says when the kiss happened, but it was probably when they were kids, because you know if it happened any time in the past 7 years, Kris would have filmed it, burned DVD copies, taped them to Kim’s porno, and marketed it as a special KUWTK edition 2-disc set.

Brandon, who was sitting directly across from his wife, keeps denying it and tries to change the subject, but Kris keeps shrieking “YOU KISSED KIM??” in hopes of drawing more information out of him. And not because she thinks it’s not-right for two step-siblings to make out, either; she was probably pissed that Kim was turning tricks without her. “Was it just a kiss? Kisses start at $50. She probably gave you a blow job too. That’s an extra $200. I take cash or cheques. Pay me in full by the end of the day, and I’ll throw in an on-the-house handy from Khloe.” It doesn’t matter that Brandon is family; none of Kris’s bitches work pro-bono!

(via E!)

It’s Monday, So Here’s Christopher Meloni’s Dog Staring At His Crotch Bulge

July 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Back when HBO did the lord’s work by showing us actual dick on their shows, Christopher Meloni’s peen was practically the lead on Oz and it was rare for an episode to go by without our loved ones having to turn the hose on us and tase our heads after his dick popped up on screen and we pressed our tongues against it and refused to disengage. Most of us have had several servings of Meloni dick and we’ve even seen his remarkable anus lips. We’ve seen all of Meloni! You can probably draw every vein on his peen from memory and if you’re really moist for Meloni (shot out to commenter Moist For Meloni wherever you are) you probably see it every day since you stitched a picture of it on the inside of your panties. But still, a picture of Christopher Meloni’s zipper-busting plaid bulge is still an important event that we all need to be made aware of! Meloni tweeted a picture of his doggy friend looking at his bushel of Snausages bulge with biting eyes and he threw in this note:

I will stare at ur genitalia until u feed me…

Or that doggy’s thinking, “Where’s the peanut butter?” No, no, no. It’s always too early for bestiality.

But seriously,  there’s no better way to start your week than to start it by wishing you had the power to shapeshift into Christopher Meloni’s dog so you could stare at his sausage and potatoes until he fed you.

via NewNowNext

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