Professional Alexis Mateo impersonator Alicia Keys posted this picture of her and her husband Swizz Beatz looking like Restoration Hardware’s version of The Heart Family to Instagram last night (via UsWeekly) to announce that he’d pumped her full of jizz beatz and she caught a case of fetus fever. Alicia captioned the photo:
What in the hell is that joorey he’s wearing around his neck? He looks like a damn Dracula.
NO! She said this:
Happy Anniversary to the love of my life @therealswizzz!! And to make it even sweeter we’ve been blessed with another angel on the way!! You make me happier than I have ever known! Here’s to many many more years of the best parts of life!
Alicia Keys and Swizz Cheese have been married for four years now and already have a 3-year-old son named Egypt Daoud Dean, so I fully expect them to bring the fuckery when it comes to naming baby number two. They picked an African country for the first name and a weird spelling of a common name for the middle, so currently my money is on Libya Maolissa if it’s a girl and Djibouti Kevoin for a boy. Or maybe they’ll stick with the Egypt theme, in which case I hope they name the baby Sphinx Ankh [symbol of a guy doing this] Mummy Dean (“Oh please oh please oh please let me help you design the nursery???” – Katy Perry).
This philanthropist of hotness who has been gifting the eyes of Facebook with her piping hot, extra sweet, nipple hardening dance moves!
I don’t know if this video was shot in the 90s (But I’m pretty sure portrait mode didn’t exist in the 90s. It was a better time.) or if it was shot in current day Bushwick, but it doesn’t really matter. Because her moves, style and charisma are timeless. While looking like the 90s spit its backwash all over her, this goddess of dance Pumps Up The Jam all the way up and is the reason why Technotronic was created. She throws down moves you’ve never seen like the “mental patient on meth trying to shake out of a straitjacket” move (at the 0:02 mark), the “malfunctioning zombie robot” move (at the 0:10 mark), the “quadriplegic T-rex trying to swim as bees attack it” move (at the 0:26 mark), the “fanning my queef fumes away” move (at the 0:33 mark) and the “fanning my butt fumes away” move (at the 0:56). She looks like a gorilla who was taught the history of 90s dance moves and was asked to perform them right after her veins were injected with liquid bath salts. THIS IS DANCE!
After watching this mistress of moves, FOX has announced that they’re changing the name of “So You Think You Can Dance?” to “So You Think You Can Dance Better Than That Pump Up The Jam Girl? Well, You Can’t, But Maybe You Can Be Second Best?”
Dean Cain (48)
Rico Rodriguez (16)
Alexis Knapp (25)
Charlie Carver (26)
Eric Lively (33)
Matt Shadows (33)
B.J. Novak (35)
Zac Brown (36)
Annie Parisse (39)
Ben Chaplin (45)
J.K. Rowling (49)
Wesley Snipes (52)
Mark Cuban (56)
Michael Biehn (58)
Geraldine Chaplin (70)
Don Murray (85)
“We co-sign that!” – the world
Around this time two years ago, we all put our most beloved valuables (read: weed, iPad loaded with porn and Hot Fries) in a waterproof bag and built a house raft in preparation for the great, big flood of Twihard tears that was threatening to drown the planet. Twihards cried out all the liquids in their bodies after Kristen Stewart was caught getting her snatch licked by Rupert Sanders’ bull dozer tongue. The world will never be the same again and it’s a miracle that the planet is still spinning. But if there’s one trick (besides all of us) you’ll never see at the annual ROBSTEN IS FOREVER UNBROKEN memorial held every year in a Twihard’s basement, it’s RPattz. RPattz is completely over that shit.
During an interview with Esquire UK to promote a couple of movies he’s in, the subject of the munch felt around the world came up and the former keeper of the Unicorn Forest shrugged it off like it meant nothing! Like it was just a set-up contract relationship for PR that ran to its expiration date after all those Twatlight movies came out. How dare he feel “meh” about a fake relationship!
“Shit happens, you know?” he laughs. “It’s just young people… it’s normal! And honestly, who gives a shit?”
“The hardest part was talking about it afterwards. Because when you talk about other people, it affects them in ways you can’t predict,” he says. “It’s like that scene in Doubt [2008, in which Philip Seymour Hoffman plays a priest suspected of inappropriate behaviour], where he’s talking about how to take back gossip? They throw all those feathers from a pillow into the sky and you’ve got to go and collect all the feathers.”
WHO GIVES A SHIT?! Say that to the thousands of crazed Twihards who literally can’t give a shit, because after that slut whore KStew admitted to passing her poon to another, they lost their shit, colon, gallbladder, stomach and intestines. Tell that to them, RPattz! And tell it to Nutty Madam!
Actually, I don’t even think she gives a shit anymore. She’s too busy bathing the world in sticky toffee panty pudding while watching the Fifty Shades of Shit trailer. Speaking of bathing in body fluids, toward the end of RPattz’s interview with Esquire UK, he dropped a blind item. While talking about asshole bitch actors who treat crew members like trash, he told a story about one actress who took a Kardashian Kalgon bath without knowing it.
“This actress was doing a scene in the bath and she kept complaining about the temperature, how it was too hot or too cold. So everyone pissed in it and put a bunch of bubble bath in afterwards so you couldn’t smell it! This stuff happens. That’s why I avoid asking for anything. I don’t want to get anyone’s piss on me.”
I don’t know if Laura Jeanne Poon (stage name: Reese Witherspoon) took a bath in Water for Elephants, but I’m going to pretend this is about her. Water for elephants, urine for Reese!
Here’s Lea Michele and Forever-Peg-Bundy-To-Me shooting a scene for Sons of Anarchy and Peg is getting her lit cigarette ready just in case she needs to shove it in Lea’s mouth if that trick gets the urge to break out into song - Lainey Gossip
If you zoomed into Cameron Diaz’s nipple, you’d see it cringing, because even it’s embarrassed to be a part of this mess – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Lisa Vanderpump is selling Villa Blanca and hopefully who ever buys it turns it into a Buffalo Wild Wings, because that stretch of Beverly Hills could use some real fine dining – Reality Tea
Chelsea Handler’s “power clique of Hollywood A-listers” is nothing without CHARO! – Celebitchy
I didn’t know The Difficult Brown moved next door to George Zimmerman – WWTDD
Selena Gomez wore an outfit from Contempo Casuals that JLo most likely wore in 1996 - The Superficial
DanRad should’ve used a Flowbee – Towleroad
Jessica Barrymore, the half-sister of Drew Barrymore, was found dead in her car – Popsugar
ICYMI: A little girl delivers the raw emotion after finding out that her baby brother is going to grow up one day and as she cries, her parents also cry while thinking about how much cash they’re going to make when they put this video on YouTube - The Berry
Arianda Grande Latte’s “selfie” photo shoot for Seventeen Magazine is a mess in every way – Hollywood Tuna
MiserAlba’s doing the “ahs have a sexy migraine” pose on Maxim – Popoholic
The Into The Woods movie doesn’t look completely awful – Pajiba
Ceiling Eyes is single again – ICYDK
Iggy Azalea’s going to be in the 7 millionth Fast & Furious movie – HuffPo
I spent way too much time watching Lana Del Rey eat an orange like it was a dick – Just Jared
Two pussies, 1 box – OMG Blog
Justin Bieber took his little ass to Instagram to once again slap at Orlando Bloom after Orlando threw a punch at him during a fight over Miranda Kerr at Cipriani’s early this morning. The Biebs is a popped dick pimple, but he’s right. Orlando Bloom should be crying. Orlando should be squirting out tears, because he had the chance to make humanity proud by knuckling the Biebs in the face and he failed. He failed himself and he failed us all. How do you live with yourself after that?
The Biebs gets really hard when he’s hiding behind Instagram. I picture him uploading that picture and screaming at his bodyguards, “Hold me back, bros! Hold me back! Don’t make me press enter on that bitch! Hold me back!” That peach-fuzzed butt nugget spits out a lot of shit when he’s hiding behind a screen, but get him in front of Orlando and he’d behind an adult before running for the exit door while screaming and crying for his mommy. Hmmm…Why does that description I just typed feel so familiar and why did my monitor suddenly turn into a mirror? It’s making it really hard to type and talk shit.
And here’s the object of Orlando and the Biebs’ douche fight at some Escada event in Munich, Germany last night. This might be the last time you see Miranda Kerr’s face, because she should get a face transplant and become entirely unrecognizable now that everyone knows that she probably fucked Justin Bieber.
I’m not sure why, but I just pictured that floppy tit speaking in a charming Cockney accent. “Allo luv! Fancy meeting you ‘ere! Don’t mind me, just ‘avin a wee snooze in the sun before Coronation Street.”
Mermaids everywhere officially hung up their seashell bras and retired today after Lindsay Lohan was spotted strolling a beach in Ibiza looking like a sloppy-titted sea siren. And by sea siren, I mean she set off the siren that alerts beach visitors that the sea has been contaminated by toxic self-tanner sludge and random clumps of orange hair and the beach will be closed until further notice. No! She really does look like a mermaid; like Ariel, if Ariel sold her voice to Ursula for two baggies of coke instead of two legs.
Seeing the Apricot Ashtray slithering around the beaches of Ibiza with her floppy freckled pancakes hanging out makes me feel a lot of things (queasy, nauseous, dry heave-y) but mostly it makes me feel sorry for Ibiza. First Orlando Bloom gets into a dramatic douche fight Justin Bieber in a nightclub, and now Lindsay Lohan is assaulting eyes by serving up a heaping helping of sloppy side boob in one of White Oprah’s trashy old stretched-out Body Glove bathing suits from the 80s. Poor Ibiza; when did you become the Florida of Europe?
And speaking of Florida, apparently there are people in Ibiza who are dumb enough to let Lindsay operate a jet ski. It probably took her all of 10 minutes before she whipped out her phone, started texting her dealer, and rear-ended a dolphin. Then when the cops came to arrest her, she tried to blame it on a starfish. Wait, can you get a DUI on a jet ski? I’m sure Lindsay will find a way.
Pics: Fame Flynet
If you didn’t read any of the names in that headline, you’re probably really confused and wondering why Kate Gosselin circa 2006 is holding hands with Michael Stipe as they make their way to a costume party whose theme is “It Fell Out Of The Butthole Of The 80s.”
This is ScarJo and her sharp-as-all-hell fiancé and the father of her unborn baby Romain Dauriac (that’s “butchering hos with style” in French) strutting through NYC yesterday. The big story here is supposed to be that ScarJo chopped off her hair, dyed it the color of your first-of-the-morning piss and now looks like Mia Michaels. Throw a baggy apron with attached pants (those are no overalls) on her body and she looks like Mia Michaels working as a hostess at a Dexys Midnight Runners theme restaurant that floods a lot. But the real star here is her man’s ensemble. He looks like the new assistant scoutmaster of Troop Beverly Hills.
That ensemble is so wrong it’s right. That outfit is single-handedly ruining every memory you have from the 80s.
1. That hat. In the 80s, you begged and begged your parents to get you a hat like the one Boy George wore. On Christmas morning, you opened up a box and pulled out a hat that wasn’t black and wasn’t at all like Boy George’s. It was all wrong. You wore it anyway and felt like hot shit while doing so. Romain worked that hat better. The memory of your childhood in the 80s is now forever ruined.
2. That shirt. In the 80s, the grandpa you thought hated you came to visit you right after you had your tonsils taken out. He brought you ice cream, read you a story and told you he loved you. He was wearing that shirt, double pleated emerald green pants and green leather loafers. Romain worked that shirt better. The memory of your grandpa in the 80s is now forever ruined.
3. Those shorts. In the 80s, your mom had to come pick you up from summer camp early, because your weak ass was really homesick and caught a little bit of food poisoning. When she got out of the car, you ran toward her, hugged her and accidentally barfed on her shorts. She was wearing those shorts. She told you not to worry about it since she was planning to donate those shorts because they made her crotch look like Jabba the Hutt’s armpit vagina. Romain worked those shorts better. The memories of summer camp, Jabba the Hutt and your mom in the 80s are now forever ruined.
I still have a few of my clothes from the 80s, but I’m going to burn them all now. Because every time I pull out my acid wash jean vest, I’m going to say to myself, “Ugh, ScarJo’s man can work this better.”
After boring us all into a coma last month with human chloroform-soaked rag Lana Del Zzzzz, Rolling Stone decided to violently shake our asses awake by putting a migraine-triggering Katy Perry on the cover this month. I wasn’t entirely sold on the whole “90s Claire’s sale rack realness” until I saw those gorgeous squared-off French tip acrylics she has on her fingers. Exquisite porn star blow job nails are always the look.
But for those of you looking at Katy’s nails and that choker made from anal beads like “I see this bitch has resorted to snatching at porn star culture now”, Katy Perry would like you to know she’s not blatantly ripping off shit because she’s a clueless middle-class white chick from Santa Barbara. She’s ripping off Egypt and Geishas because she appreciates shit at a deeper level. Like when she dressed up her backup dancers as Nicki Minaj-looking mummies; they weren’t supposed to be hoochie mamas, they were an homage to surgery-obsessed Beverly Hills-types:
“As far as the mummy thing, I based it on plastic surgery. Look at someone like Kim Kardashian or Ice-T’s wife, Coco. Those girls aren’t African-American. But it’s actually a representation of our culture wanting to be plastic, and that’s why there’s bandages and it’s mummies. I thought that would really correlate well together… It came from an honest place. If there was any inkling of anything bad, then it wouldn’t be there, because I’m very sensitive to people.”
Although she understands that some people took offense to it, so from now on, she’ll only do white people things, like wearing Tevas and pouring ranch dressing on everything:
“I guess I’ll just stick to baseball and hot dogs, and that’s it. I know that’s a quote that’s gonna come to fuck me in the ass, but can’t you appreciate a culture? I guess, like, everybody has to stay in their lane? I don’t know.”
And it doesn’t matter that you think she’s a sloppy copycat, because Katy Perry says Katy Perry is the hardest working bovine in the business:
“Every show day, from the moment I wake up, it’s just prep for that night. It’s like I’m a Kobe beef cow.”
But one thing she isn’t ready to culturally appropriate just yet is mom jeans and pregnancy farts, because she’s too busy playing dress-up to catch a case of fetus fever:
“I want to be doing that in the right time. And that’s not in the next two years, you know? Maybe it’s in a five-year plan, but I need to really be able to focus 100 percent of my attention on it. I don’t really want to take the child on tour. Not until, like, birth through five is over.”
I’m glad Katy doesn’t want to take a baby on tour, because I can’t imagine how confused that baby would be. “So, is my mom the Cleopatra-looking one, or the pastel LSD fairy, or the budget Hot Topic Catra? Where’s the one who shoots whipped cream from her tits? I want that one. Baby’s hungry.”