Somebody call Wilford Brimley and tell him we’ve got a code red senior citizen situation on our hands! The toxic rug glue from Tony Bennett’s perfect salt-and-pepper pepaw hairpiece has seeped into his brain and dissolved the part that’s able to distinguish talent from hot messy bullshit. Either that, or Lady Gaga has some career-killing dirt on Tony Bennett and she’s blackmailing him with it. “Let me record a crappy album with you, or else the whole world will know that _____”. I can’t even think of what it might be, since the more embarrassing thing I can think of is working with Lady Gaga. Maybe getting diarrhea at Girl Scout camp (lemme hear you scream if you also couldn’t handle BBQ chips as a kid!)
Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga were on the Today show this morning to promote the soon-to-be-released album of jazz duets they recorded together called Cheek to Cheek (you know that tacky bitch probably wanted to call it Ass to Ass). They also teased the video for the first single off the album, a version of Cole Porter’s ”Anything Goes”. The video isn’t done yet (they’re still Photoshopping her jawline) but they’ve released the song online:
Obviously Tony Bennett sounds flawless. THE END. But then there’s Gaga. She sounds like a hyperactive musical theatre-obsessed kid named Kevin auditioning for his middle-school production of Peter Pan. It’s basically Glee’s Rachel Berry crossed with MadTV’s Stuart. K.D. Lang heard it and was like “Damn Tony, did you lose my number?”
Here’s more of Tony Bennett looking like a Boca Raton mob boss and Lady Gaga looking like an extracted blackhead at the Today show this morning, as well as Gaga looking like a slutty genie the night before posing on the hood of someone’s car. Get off the car, trick! You ain’t no Kelly Bundy!
Last week, THE QUEEN got caught in a picture taken by two Australian hockey plays who were later arrested by the royal guards, tried for treason and have been forced to work as Prince Phillip’s diaper nurse for jumping into HER picture. Well, at the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow yesterday, Prince Hot Ginge had to show THE QUEEN up and let everyone know that he’s the best photobomber of the royal family. New Zealand rugby coach Sir Gordon Tietjens, Sport Manawatu chief executive Trevor Shailer and sports psychologist Gary Hermansson were taking a picture together when behind them, a panty creaming ginger lighting bolt popped into their picture. Those dudes were probably wondering why it felt like the sun was humping their backs. Fun fact: The dude on the left had a full head of silver hair before this picture was taken, but all of it burned off as soon as PHG jumped in.
I don’t know Sir Gordon, Trevor and Gary, but I hate them and I’m so jealous I could barf all over them. Because they can say that Prince Hot Ginge has bombed them hard from behind while flashing two thumbs up. Who can say that’s happened to them? (Cut to every skinny ass, dirty blonde white trick in Britain raising her hand.)
If you’ve ever wanted to hear a silence like you’ve never heard before, gather the entire fashion industry together and ask them which one of them takes Kendall Jenner seriously as a model. You wouldn’t even hear crickets, because the crickets would find a way to shut their mouths up. They don’t want you to think they’re on Team Pimp Mama Kris.
Kendull Jenner wouldn’t be one of PMK’s spawns if liquid delusion didn’t run through her veins and feed her brain. Kendull is on the cover of Love Magazine and everyone knows that she only got that cover, because Kim Kartrashian wrapped her kooch around Ray-J’s macaroni-shaped dick in front of a camera a million years ago and Kanye West regularly sips tea with the fashion people. But Kendall tells Love (via The Cut) that being a member of a family of fame whores actually hurt her and she hard to work extra hard to be seen as a high-fashion model and the gigs didn’t just magically come to her. (Insert your “the gigs did just magically come to her right after Riccardo Tisci came on Kanye” jokes here.)
“I was like, ‘You know what? I want to be high fashion. I want to be taken seriously … People think that this [success] just came to me. But it didn’t. What I have has almost worked against me. I had to work even harder to get where I wanted because people didn’t take me seriously as a model. Because of the TV show. I went on castings and some people weren’t feeling me because of my name. But it was great when people didn’t recognize me. I was like, ‘Thank you. Please don’t recognize me.’”
Kendull might’ve gotten an F- in reading from Pimp Mama Kris’ Homeschool of Whoring, but she got an A+ in delusion and that’s all that matters.
Kendull really needs to give credit where is due. The only thing that worked hard to get her a Givenchy campaign was Kanye’s jaw on Riccardo Tisci. No, no, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that Kanye overworked his jaw while whining at Riccardo to put his sister-in-law in a Givenchy ad. Yeah, that’s what I meant….
The Internet Is Not Happy About Paramount Using This Poster To Promote The Release Of The Ninja Turtles Movie On Sept. 11
Those crime-fighting botched broccoli abortions are breathing a sigh of relief because FOR ONCE they’re not the most embarrassing thing on the poster.
Earlier today, Paramount Pictures Australia tweeted a picture of the official poster for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to promote the Australian release of the movie on September 11, 2014. Unfortunately, neither they, nor the graphic designer in charge of adding the words “In theatres September 11″ to an image of 4 humanoid reptiles falling out of a burning New York City building, seemed to realize this might not be a great idea. Obviously, it took about 0.3 seconds before people on Twitter noticed and started nervously tugging at their collars, so they deleted the tweet, as well as a Facebook post containing an image of the poster.
I want to believe this was a dumb mistake, but honestly, who doesn’t know that pairing the words “September 11″ with anything other than the image of a majestic soaring eagle is a bad idea? Okay, they’re from Australia, I get it – they don’t know everything about America. But it’s like they were playing a losing game of 9/11 Tetris with that poster. It’s just a 12-car pile-up of semi-poor taste: not only are they falling from a building, it’s a building in downtown New York City, and it’s exploding, and it’s on fire, and it’s broad daylight, and they second-largest set of words on the poster after NINJA TURTLES is SEPTEMBER 11TH.
But as much as I’m throwing them some “You serious, Clark?“ side-eye, I have no idea what picture of the turtles they could have used instead. I’m sure the Australian designers saw the release date of September 11 and thought “Please let there be a scene with Leonardo and April O’Neil sharing a moment of quiet reflection in front of a Precious Moments figurine“ but it’s a Michael Bay movie; every frame is required to have a fiery explosion. It’s ‘splosion porn! So I blame whoever has the power to change the date of the movie. No, not the release date; change the number. Making up a new one. September 11 1/2 or September-ish or something. Get Donatello on it, he’s the smart one.
In the early 2000s, Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck were best brofriends forever, but then Jennifer Garner came along and took a sledgehammer to their happy bromance home. Kevin was in San Diego last week for Comic-Con and Yahoo! Movies asked him if Ben Affleck was in town to promote that Batman v. Superman mess and Kevin used that time to call out Jennifer Garner for being a bromance-wrecking killer of dude bro dreams and friendships. Kevin says that Jennifer doesn’t like seeing his face or hearing him talk and she’s pretty much the reason why Ben Affleck kicked him out of his life the same way Southwest kicked him off of their plane for being too fat to fly.
“Great question. I don’t know, because we’re not fucking tight. I have not been [close with him] in decades. That’s old Ben. He’s got a wife that don’t care for me at all [Laughs]. And plus, honestly, he probably don’t care for me at all anymore. He’s a triple-A-list movie star and shit like that. If he’s Jimmy Carter, I’m Billy Carter, to put it in ’70s terms. And I’m not even related and shit.”
Kevin Smith obviously still holds onto the half-broken BFFs4EVA heart pendant that he and Ben bought together at Claire’s, because he can’t let go. Yahoo! Movies also points out that during his Silent Bob Speaks show at Carnegie Hall earlier this month, Kevin’s XXXXXL denim culottes twisted up into his asshole when he told the audience that Jennifer Garner’s funny bone was replaced with a stick up her ass and she sucked the raunchiness out of Ben:
“Jennifer does not share the same sense of humor as me — she did not like my jokes. I was picking on Ben Affleck making fun of him because I’ve known him for a really long time — I was talking smack — and Jennifer goes, ‘You know, if you keep saying stuff about him, I’m going to kick your ass.’ And she could — I’ve seen Alias. She has a real girly sense of humor and didn’t understand that I was kidding.
I remember talking to Ben and being like, ‘I know your lady is not finding me amusing. Ben, I’ve known you for years, and you are far sicker than I am!’ His jokes are way dirtier than mine. He’s made jokes to me, and I’ve been like, ‘Ben, you need to go to church.’”
It’s the worst when a friend’s new ho hates you. My best friend in high school dated this asshole-wrapped cunt burger who controlled her completely and didn’t want her to have any friends. True story, he once cut a slit in the Tasmanian Devil stuffed toy she kept on her bed and put some of his hair in it, because he wanted her to hug a piece of him at night. He was like Marky Mark in Fear without the six-pack. We fought all the time and he told me once that I just wanted to fuck her. After he said those words to me, I immediately punched out the address to the nearest hospital in Braille on a piece of paper and gave it to him, because his eyeballs obviously needed emergency medical attention since he couldn’t see that I look like the last person who wants to get intimate with a coochie.
But really, Kevin Smith is so full of shit. A trick with the initials JG is the reason why his and Ben’s friendship died, but it’s not Jennifer Garner. It’s Jersey Girl! That smegma-covered turd destroyed friendships, lives and everything else.
Elizabeth Banks may be married with two kids, but today she’s an honorary shameless slut of the highest order (I’m glueing together a crafty construction paper award ribbon with glitter and Astroglide for her as we speak). Elizabeth, who I bet goes by “Dirty Liz” when she’s feeling extra horny, spoke to New You magazine (via HuffPo) and explained that she believes the children are our future, and we must teach them the blissful joy that comes from happily rubbing your down-lows against another boner or pussy pocket, and also to stop throwing them judgemental side-eyes as if they were promiscuous trampy gutter trash:
“It’s a huge disservice to young people to put shame into the equation. That’s what bothers me the most about it and why I speak so openly about sex. I promote safe sex, always, and abstinence until you are madly in love. But at the same time I have no desire to shame any young person about what’s going on in their life or about general sexuality or their bodies.”
I’m not sure what sex-ed is like in America, since I was taught the “one beaver to one maple syrup” system in Canada, but I think what Elizabeth Banks is saying about sex makes plenty of sense, and I for one would love to see her create a nationwide standardized sex-ed curriculum. She covers all the bases! Abstinence for the religious kids, “madly in love” sex for the kids who plan on marry their high school sweetheart two seconds after they graduate, safe sex for the kids who want to get some decent experimenting in before they leave for college, and guilt-free no-string-attached fucking for the future hos of this great country. Let us teach the next generation of horny sluts to be proud of their unquenchable thirst for peens and poons. Stand tall! Hold your head high! You know, for pride, but also so you don’t get an eye-full of hot jizz.
I always seem to forget that Martha Stewart is a grand master at whipping up a bowl of subtle hate and baking it at 110 degrees shady before force feeding it into the mouths of the dehydrated slices of Jicama that try to come for her title. Martha reminded me that she’s got a black belt in shade throwing when she looked Goopy Paltrow up and down and let that soggy, rotting, bread-less fishstick know that she’s the one who invented the whole lifestyle thing. And now, Martha is reminding us once again that she can verbally slap down a copy + paste trick with her white glove and smugly smile while doing so.
One-time line reciter, Ryan Reynold’s wife and literary genius Blake NotSoLively has let it be known many times that Martha is her idol and she wants to be her. Blake became the Jennifer Jason Leigh (if Jennifer Jason Leigh was possessed by the spirit of a Styrofoam cup) to Martha Stewart’s Bridget Fonda when she bought a house right around the corner from Martha’s. Blake was on Martha’s show and she gave Martha’s magazine pictures of her wedding. But just because Blake’s sucked on Martha’s ass doesn’t mean that Martha’s going to return the favor and suck on hers. At the Atlantic City Food and Wine Festival in New Jersey on Saturday, HuffPo asked Martha about Ryan and Blake and asked her if she’s laid her eyes on Blake’s “Pinterest on artisanal Ambien” lifestyle blog.
“They’re very friendly, very nice people. In a way, kind of shy — not shy on the screen, at all, if you’ve seen any of Blake’s movies — but very shy in person. But she’s a baker and a homemaker and now she’s starting her own blog [Preserve] … I haven’t seen it yet.”
“Not shy on the screen, at all, if you’ve seen any of Blake’s movies” is the Martha’s way of saying, “We all saw her look like a comatose mackerel while Tim Riggins boned her in that movie that Salma Hayek wears a busted wig in.” And Martha threw in the line “I haven’t seen it yet,” because she knows that when Blake isn’t writing masterful lines of poetry like, ““The smoky scent of sandalwood burning on a wick, the ‘ahh’ of a warm bath,” she’s using her binoculars to peek into Martha’s home office to see if her GODDESS is looking at her blog. Martha barely even knows that Blake’s blog is alive.
HuffPo wanted to milk a little more shade out of Martha, so they asked her what she thinks about Blake wanting to be the new her:
“Let her try. I don’t mean that facetiously! I mean, it’s stupid, she could be an actress! Why would you want to be me if you could be an actress? I just did a movie yesterday, though — I can’t even tell you about it — but I want to be Blake Lively.”
“She COULD be an actress.” I see what you did there, Martha. We’ve all seen Blake try to be an actress time and time again and know that she can’t. Oh, Martha, keep slapping down the lessers. It’s a shady thing.
According to the New York Post, a super-secret source has spilled the beans that Beyoncé is on the hunt for a post-divorce home and is house-hunting on the down-low in Manhattan. The source (her name rhymes with “Stuntyoncé”) says that Beyoncé will be the one to put everything she owns in a box to the left and leaving the 8,309-square foot Tribeca home she shares with Jay-Z, because she’s been quietly looking at a 4,045-square foot Chelsea penthouse all by herself. Normally, Jay-Z makes all the decisions when it comes to property buying (I guess he’s the Drew of their marriage), but he was nowhere to be seen when Bey came to look at the place, which means it’s DEFINITELY for Bey’s weaves only. The source also decided to pour some more salt into the hopeful hearts of Bumble Beys everywhere by adding that the price of the penthouse is definitely more than a clue that it’s not being bought for anyone but Beyoncé:
“There’s no way a $20 million apartment is for her mother or her sister. That would be wildly unlikely.”
Well, yeah, of course it’s not for her sister: it’s a penthouse. Unless Beyoncé also plans to buy all the apartments underneath, gut them, remove all the windows, install some smelly wall-to-wall carpeting and a busted washer/dryer, and fill it with boxes of damp photo albums, old ratty weaves, and expired cans of Beefaroni, then she’s not buying it for her sister.
But I’m so very confused. Normally Beyoncé responds to a “Their phony relationship is DEAD“ rumour by releasing a staged picture of her looking like a Sasha Fierce Betty Draper while holding hands with Blue Ivy and smiling lovingly at her camel husband. However, today there is no picture; just another rumour. Something’s up…better call Detective Basement Baby to see if she can get to the bottom of it (once she’s done solving the mystery of which rat ate the other half of her dust sandwich).
And if you’re curious, here’s Beyoncé’s alleged post-divorce sadness pad. No sand flooring? No in-house manger? No hay storage? It’s official, there’s no room for Jay-Z’s camel-ass in Bey’s new house.
Pics: Street Easy
“How about we make this interesting and put an 8-ball in the center?” – johnny boy
Parks & Wreck – InUrFace
Kyle Kingsbury, the UFC fighter whose nalgas protested for gay rights at the weigh-in for his fight against Patrick Cummins in San Jose, CA over the weekend.
Kingsbury got his ass beat hard by Cummins (Side note: If I was scanning PornHub and that line was a video title, I’d watch that gay porn clip) and retired after losing, but he went out with a great, big pink gay bang. At the weigh-in, the hot, bearded rod of muscle pulled down his shorts and supported LGBT rights with his activist ass cheeks. Preach it, Kingsbury.
Yeah, those tightey-pinkies are more like baggy-pinkies and the message would’ve been clearer if those chonies were anus-lips-tight, but I’ll still take it. This isn’t the first time that Kyle Kingsbury has brought ~FASHUN~ and activism to a weigh-in. He once wore a rainbow sequined fanny pack in support of Lisa Frank rights. I really need to get into that UFC shit more. They give everyone a pink panty show at the weigh-in and during the main event they hug, touch nipples and spit on each other while sweaty and topless.
And here’s the quick clip of Kingsbury’s ass coming out for gay rights. I see that Winnie Cooper-looking ass chick who is not amused that Kingsbury’s pink ass is taking the shine away from her.