Archives: July 2014

Miranda Kerr Claims It Only Takes Her 15 Minutes To Get Ready In The Morning

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

In a blog post written for her skincare like, Kora Organics, toddler-faced supermodel Miranda Kerr says in “My Morning Beauty Routine” (via Daily Mail) that she’s often asked how it’s possible for a genetic lottery winner to look so effortlessly gorgeous day after day. She claims that from the moment she pulls her giant bobble head off the pillow in the morning, it takes her about as much time as it takes me to choose whether I want to eat my breakfast cereal out of a bowl or just pour it directly into my mouth before she’s ready to step out the door and greet the crowd of paps she hired to wait outside her apartment:

“I usually have very little time in the mornings, especially with a toddler, so with these simple skin and beauty steps I can get out the door in 15 minutes.”

So what does Miranda do in those 15 minutes? Fucking EVERYTHING. She begins her day by squeezing half a lemon into a glass of warm water (how very GOOP of you, Miranda), dry brushing her entire body like a damn show pony, takes a shower, applies body lotion and a bunch of face shit, styles her hair, applies makeup, gets dressed in clothes that aren’t sweatpants or a casual muumuu, presses a bunch of veggies into the juicer, chugs it, then – VOILA! Miranda Kerr is done, and still has time left over to watch Hoda and Kathie Lee get day drunk on the 4th hour of the Today show.

For those of you who spend your first 15 minutes in the morning trying to pee without falling asleep on the toilet, this probably seems like total bullshit. But I totally believe her; Miranda has to get out there and start hunting billionaires! 15 minutes is probably generous; I bet that once she catches the scent of money, she’s out the door in 60 seconds.

Here’s more of Miranda heading to the airport looking like she only had 15 minutes to get ready:

Pics: Splash

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Zoe Saldana Would Like To Thank The Media For Invading Her Privacy By Reporting About The Babies In Her Womb

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Anybody with the sense of sight who has seen recent pictures of Zoe Saldana could see that her body is currently leasing out space to a growing fetus who will hopefully inherit its father’s stunningly, luscious mane. So most of us let out a collective “duuuuuurrrrr” when UsWeekly said that Zoe Saldana has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! and we even “meh’d” when E! News said that two babies checked into her uterus. UsWeekly was basically just stating the obvious. But Zoe Saldana is disgusted and grossed out by the media violating her life by reporting a piece of information that her publicist probably gave them so she’d get attention days before her big summer movie comes out. How dare they! Zoe slapped at the media on Twitter yesterday and quoted former Polish President Lech Walesa while doing so.

Since we’re on the subject of “thank yous,” lets all give thanks to Zoe Saldana.

My stomach would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating it and bringing it pain by making me laugh so goddamn hard when she starred in totally natural and not-at-all choreographed photo-op pictures with noted beard whisperer Bradley Cooper.

Nina Simone’s daughter would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating her wishes by doing blackface to play her mother.

The entire wig industry would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating them and making them look bad by wearing that busted, 2 cent Rosemary’s Baby wig.

And finally, I’d like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating my eyeballs in a good way by introducing them to her hipster Fabio-like husband who could make my nipples pass out by flipping his gorgeous hair in the wind. Thank you, fucking Zoe Saldana!

Here’s some pictures from last night’s London premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy including some of Zoe Saldana’s fetus dome. But don’t look at it! Don’t look at the bump that’s obviously grow growing babies in it. Don’t look at it and shut your trash mouth, we’re not supposed to talk about it!

Pics: Wenn.com

Nicki Minaj Thinks There’s A Double-Standard When It Comes To Pictures Of Asses

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Nicki Minaj released the artwork for her upcoming single “Anaconda”, which featured a shot of Nicki proudly showing off her hungry silicone-stuffed beanbag chair booty devouring a pink g-string. Most of us rolled our eyes and told her to put it away, since we’ve all seen her ass a million times. And apparently our lack of respect for her airbrushed bubble butt pissed Nicki off, because last night she took to Instagram to complain.

Nicki posted four pictures of skinny swimsuit models like Nina Agdal and Lily Aldridge (you can’t call her racist though, because she threw in a picture of 1/2 Thai Chrissy Teigen) popping their bony model butts out with the caption: “Acceptable”. She then re-posted the picture of her greased up anaconda-swallowing-a-baby-hippo ass, which she captioned “Unacceptable”. Yes, it IS unacceptable! Why isn’t anyone trying to save that poor baby hippo?!?

Obviously she’s just upset that there weren’t more people drooling over her overstuffed pasta shells ass, but she’s sort of going after the wrong people (or butts, as the case may be). Comparing the bony flat asses of a bunch of boring Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to Nicki’s plastic grocery bag filled with off-brand Fix-A-Flat is an apples-to-oranges situation. It’s sort of like the time I threw shade at my friend after she’d admitted to smoking meth, and she hissed back that I was a hypocrite because I drank Diet Coke (her logic was that it’s “all chemicals”. Classic meth logic). Butts and meth, it’s all the same, you know?

But what Nicki doesn’t realize is that when people where telling her to put her to put her ass away, it was because we were trying to protect her! The second The Hammaconda got wind of the artwork for “Anaconda”, it would have no doubt called its lawyers and demanded they draft up a cease and desist regarding the blatant appropriation of their name, as well as the unlawful resemblance between their balls and her ass.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

The Twerking Granny of Vine! 

Miley Cyrus’ Bisquick Shake ‘N Pour pancake ass bludgeoned, flattened and buried twerking months ago, but thankfully, this hot piece of granny sexiness resurrected it by twerking on a parked car in a backyard. Vine user Brittany Lyn Turner (via Jezebel) threw up a Vine of a memaw gone wild shaking her bits and wattles for the camera. While some abuelitas slap you down with a chancleta, this abuelita slaps you down with her twerking ass. Brittany Lyn Turner threw up the Vine with this little note: Susan b Anthony #shetwerkin #twerkteam #twerkdonphonics. We should’ve known that the reincarnation of feminist icon Susan B. Anthony would be a hot, horny memaw who is always exercising her right as a nana to hop on the back of a car, pull up her dress and give everyone an eyeful of her JcPenney chonies while she humps the air. When we all reach the “Activia daiquiris and Benefiber mojitos” phase of life and we’re not twerking our way to hip replacement surgery, we’re doing our golden years wrong.

Here’s the Vine that made the angels up in heaven look down and make a mental note to drop a “thank you” note into God’s comment box for gifting the Earth with this future captain of the Shady Pines Twerk Team. Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, granny. Make your Life Alert explode!

The twerking granny should get together with the crutches-throwing dancing pepaw and Baddie Winkle and take their show international, so they can show the young whores out there how pure, raw bad ass sexiness is really done. And if you didn’t think it was possible for the reincarnation of Susan B. Anthony to serve you more heaping servings of seasoned class, click the cut and get into the Vine of her singing about dudes jacking off in her face while wearing a muumuu. MY IDOL! 

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Birthday Sluts

July 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Verdine White (62)
Conor Kennedy (20)
James Lafferty (28)
Tera Patrick (37)
Michael C. Williams (40)
Matt LeBlanc (46)
Illeana Douglas (48)
Bobbie Eakes (52)
Katherine Kelly Lang (52)
Darren Star (52)
Thurston Moore (56)
Iman (58)

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Behold, Batman’s Bubble Butt Chin

July 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Because it’s the annual Gathering of the Nerds known as Comic-Con right now, Zack Snyder got the nerd tips moist by twatting a headshot of Ben Affleck in Batman drag while shooting that Batman vs. Superman mess. Actually, this probably got the nerd tips dry, because Batman’s looking like a sad 65-year-old man who’s got to fart and sneeze and isn’t sure which one to do first. BatPepaw! Hate aside, there are 4 hot things about this picture:

1. The butt chin.

2. The butt chin.

3. That rubber black pussy under his butt chin.

4. But mostly, the butt chin!

I know the hos of Gotham City are dumb as shit, because none of them can clearly see that Bruce Wayne is Batman. But the hos of this Gotham City are extra, extra dumb if they don’t look at Batman and say, “Bruce, stop playing, your butt chin gives you away, bitch.” I mean, how many 6’4″ dudes in Gotham City have a stubbly, bubble butt chin that looks like Kim Kartrashian’s ass at 5 o’clock?

But more importantly, would you rim it? Would you rim Batman’s butt chin?

via THR 

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

July 24, 2014 / Posted by:

He’s had his problems over the last year. He’s found himself in some shitty situations because of it. Why the darkness? It was stress. The stress of feeling that he can’t come out publicly.

Lately though…there’s been a turnaround. Career is in good shape. And there’s someone new in his life. What’s she doing for him? They get along well. They both party…HARD. But she’s not his lover, she’s his front. Because when she’s around, he can hook up with men. And she’s happy to cover for him. She’s playing her part so that no one’s looking at what’s really going on – which is that he’s been messing around with a wealthy older man who spoils him…with sex and drugs.

So the stress is gone. But not the habits. (Lainey Gossip)

This isn’t even blind. This isn’t even near-sighted. This is some perfect 20/20 shit. And if this blind item is true, you were right if you answered, “lots of good drugs,” to the question, “Why in the hell would Zac Efron, who could screw who ever he wanted, screw around with a tattooed Italian daddy?”

A pap agency was called on Friday, and told they needed to show up at a place on Saturday night, to photograph an A list mostly television actress from a hit network show that would be there with her husband, and that they’d be called again on Saturday with specific time and place to photograph the couple.

So they got the call on Saturday telling them where to show up and at what time and that they needed to show up exactly at the right time and place because that is when the pair would actually hold hands. Throughout the day the couple was spotted out but never very close and mostly doing their own thing until the appointed hour. At that point the two started holding hands for a few minutes. Shortly after the finished holding hands one of her people called the pap agency to see if the photo had been taken. If not, they would do it one more time. The pap agency got the photos so the couple went their separate ways and were not seen again together. In fact, the husband left and went out to a club for the rest of the night by himself. (CDAN)

Kerry Washington and Nnamdi Asomugha? Exhibit: A. Kerry needed Olivia Pope, because Olivia Pope would never be that sloppy with the photo-ops.

This pop star claims to really, really love her fans, but she recently screwed over a bunch of them recently.

She was performing in a foreign city. She did a photo op at her hotel the day before so fans knew where she was staying. A small group of them gathered in front of the hotel by 7:00 am and waited for her to appear.

She knew that they were there. During the day, her bodyguards would come down periodically and tell the crowd that she was coming down to meet them, and that she would be happy to sign autographs and pose for photos with them. “She’ll be down soon. Just be patient.”

During each visit, the bodyguard would get on his phone and report to someone else how many fans were there. “There are only 25. Not enough.” Apparently, the pop star wanted a bigger crowd! She sent down notes and snacks to the fans, telling them that she appreciated them and was coming down. The bodyguard encouraged the waiting fans to call their friends and tweet their location.

However, despite their best efforts, the big crowd they wanted just never materialized. Finally, ten hours later, the pop star left the hotel… and simply drove past the fans that had been waiting there all day! There were only 50 of them, and, according to the bodyguard, “That just wasn’t enough.”

Does this mean that her popularity has peaked? (Blind Gossip)

Lady Caca? Those bitches waited 10 hours?! When Lady CaCa drove by them, they should’ve gathered together, chased down her SUV, jumped on it, turned it over, dragged her out screaming and then slapped with her with the dumb bags of Fritos she sent down to them.

Pic: Pacific Coast News

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Night Crumbs

July 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Bradley Cooper and Sookeh Waterhouse had words in New Orleans and I’m sure it was nothing. It was probably just a good old-fashioned beard fight and they were arguing over how her contract states that she must do at least 2 photo-ops per trip and she’s only done 1. You know how difficult those beards can be. And people walking by who didn’t know who they were probably figured B. Coop was just a regular dad getting on his 12-year-old daughter’s case. Dads are so lame! – Lainey Gossip 

Charisma Carpenter celebrated her birthday by giving her fans a cupcake with a candle in it and by that I mean she posted a picture of her tit and hard nipple - Drunken Stepfather

So I guess Michael Rapaport isn’t going to be in another Spike Lee joint anytime soon. But does Spike Lee even make movies anymore? – Celebitchy

Jennette McCurdy wants all you gross boys to stop fapping to the pictures of her ass that she Instagramms so gross boys can fap to them – The Superficial

NeNe Leakes might be in Cinderella on Broadway and I’m guessing she’s either playing the pumpkin carriage or the royal horse – Reality Tea

And six seconds later, THE QUEEN ordered that those Australian tourists be sent to the gallows for butting into HER picture – Towleroad

Jean Kasem, stop kissing the pride of Germany Micaela Schaefer and go and bury Caesy Kasem already! – Hollywood Tuna

Zoe Saldana’s got two babies growing in her uterus – Popsugar

Shia LaBeouf took a bath for court – WWTDD

BREAKING: Lauren Conrad went blonder and now she looks even more like a stale slice of Wonder Bread – The Berry

Bravo is really soaping up The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and I hope this means that Susan Lucci is joining the cast next, because lives will be made if she slapped down Lisa VanderpumpJezebel

Selena Gomez went on a boat ride with a hot piece who looks like a gay Turtle from EntouragePopoholic

Joan Rivers before she turned herself into a non-biodegradable plastic puppet – SOW

Portia de Rossi wants a Band-Aid baby – ICYDK

Conclusion: If you swapped the chick out for a dude in an Uncle Terry shoot, the picture would have 100% more hairy ass in it – OMG Blog

Steve Sanders hurt Donna Martin’s feewings – HuffPo

DanRad likes fucking while sober – Just Jared

Childhoods are dead: RIP BOP MagazineBoy Culture

Pic: Pacific Coast News

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QOTD: Esteemed Scientist And Professor Tara Reid Thinks A Sharknado Can Happen In Real Life

July 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Last year, Professor Tara Reid cleared up a misconception most of us had. Most of us believed (no, we didn’t) that when a whale and a shark love each other very much, they make beautiful bareback whale shark love together and a whale shark is born 9 months later. Tara let us know that she thought the same exact thing, but after doing a little research (no, “research” is not the name of a new kind of cocaine that’s made with vodka), she learned that a whale shark isn’t the broken condom baby of a whale and a shark. It’s just a different kind of shark! Minds were blown and science hasn’t been the same since. Well, Tara Reid is back with another scientific fact that will turn your brain inside out.

While talking to GQ about the future Emmy-sweeper Sharknado 2, Tara was asked if a sharknado can happen for real. As a cokenado filled her head, Tara’s lone brain cell folded in half and rubbed its halves together to spit out this genius answer:

“You know, it actually can happen. I mean, the chances of it happening are very rare, but it can happen actually. Which is crazy. Not that it—the chances of it are, like, you know, it’s like probably ‘pigs could fly.’ Like, I don’t think pigs could fly, but actually sharks could be stuck in tornados. There could be a sharknado.”

“I really couldn’t have put it more eloquently myself if I tried,” said every scientist who ever lived.

I never thought about it like that before. Tara Reid is right! If a shark met a tornado, fell in love with it and the two got stuck together while consummating their love, they’d be a sharknado!

You know, you can accuse Tara of butchering her stomach until it looked like a ham that was hacked to pieces with a machete and glued back together with Gorilla Glue, but you cannot accuse her of being anything but the scientific mind of this generation!

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