Archives: July 2014

Charlize Theron Was Mean To Tia Mowry At A Spin Class

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

I’ve always had a like for Charlize Theron, because she auditioned for Showgirls, wrestled Teri Snatcher in 2 Days in the Valley and plays down river trash like no other. But my like for her began to die when she started regularly wrapping her lips around Sean Penn’s dick and when blind items suggested that she’s always been a raging asshole. And now, she’s really, really, REALLY gone and done it. Charlize was mean to one of the Sister, Sister sisters at the overpriced torture chamber known as EatYourSoul Cycle. Somewhere in the deep, smelly bowels of Hell, one of Satan’s minions is making up a cell for Charlize Theron, because that’s where you go when you’re cunty to one of the stars of ABC’s TGIF! Bitch is lucky she wasn’t mean to Kimmy Gibbler.

In an exclusive interview that I’m sure will be picked up and thoroughly analyzed by CNN, the BBC and Al-Jazeera, Tia Mowry tells InTouch that she’s a fan of Charlize’s work, so when she saw Sean Penn’s #2 homegirl (after the late Hugo Chavez, of course) at a spin class, she decided to say hi. Either Tia Mowry is Charlize’s least favorite Mowry sister or she’s an uneducated twat who doesn’t know a true star from the 90s when she sees one, because she did what most of us do when we see Sean Penn’s face: she rolled her eyes. Tia told this harrowing tale of her bitchy moment with Charlize:

“She wasn’t very nice to me. I said ‘Hi,’ and she actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’ I wasn’t over-the-top. I know how to approach another celebrity. Charlize was just mean. I’m just being honest.”

Tia Mowry missed a really good opportunity to say, “GO HOME, ROGER!”

This was obviously a major misunderstanding, because I don’t know how anybody could be bitchy toward a Mowry sister.  Here’s what really happened: Charlize wasn’t rolling her eyes, her eyes were spazzing out, because she couldn’t believe that she was staring at the one and only Tia Mowry! And Tia Mowry left before Charlize could finish her sentence. Charlize was about to say, “Oh my God…..I can’t believe I’m meeting the star of my favorite movie Twitches!” Tia was actually the one being rude to Charlize. Oh, Tia, why did you have to be so mean to your #1 fan?

The Whoopsie Baby Ryan Gosling Put In Eva Mendes Might Have Happened During A Break-Up

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Radar (I’ll wait while you grab the Mortons), handsome Canadian hottie Ryan Gosling never intended for one of his hunky sperms to recreate the rain scene from The Notebook with one of Eva Mendes’s ovaries. A source claims that Ryan and Eva’s relationship had circled the toilet in a bad way and Ryan was ready to disappear like his accent. But before he said “Bye, bitch!”, he made the mistake of grabbing a quick hump before grabbing his coat, and busting a bareback nut into Eva’s overly-attached pussy (which looks something like this). Ryan must have a major case of TDS (trapped dick syndrome), because the second after he blew his Breaker High load, they decided to get back together. And a little while later, Eva came down with a case of fetus fever.

But knocking Eva up with a whoopsie baby has done nothing to fix their busted relationship, and apparently things are still “tense”. Tense Moment #1: Eva wants to marry Ryan’s ass, but Ryan would rather shove a pair of JT’s old overalls up his ass than split a ring on Eva’s hungry finger. Tense Moment #2: Eva was pissed that Ryan called up Nick Cassavetes and bitched him out for running his mouth about his feud with Rachel McAdams on the set of The Notebook. Apparently Ryan won’t stop talking about his former boo, and that “Rachel is definitely a source of ongoing tension between Ryan and Eva.”

This mess sounds like the dramatic prequel to some lazy real-life Notebook fanfic. All that’s missing is a part where Eva lures Ryan into the shed by shouting “Ryan, come quick! I found an injured squirrel who needs help!”, then slams the door and locks him inside, cackling “MUWAHAHA!! If I can’t have you, NO ONE WILL!” as she flies away on a broom to Rachel McAdam’s house with a basket full of poisoned apples.

Lana Del Rey Has Done A Lot Of Dudes In The Industry

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Lana Del Rey, the character played by Elizabeth Woolridge Grant and created with her rich daddy’s money, tells Complex that she tried to fuck her way to the top, but giving dudes in the industry a taste of her Pepsi-Cola pussy (“Eh, tastes more like a bland and flat Pepsi knock-off bought at Big Lots.” – every industry dude who’s tasted her Shasta  Cola pussy) didn’t even put her on the first step of the ladder. During her interview with Complex, the world’s first fully functional comatose patient was asked if her song “Fucked My Way Up To The Top” is a commentary on people thinking she fucked for a record deal or if she really did use her coochie to get ahead. Blahna Del Meh said that it’s commentary, but she has dropped her twat on a lot of music industry dick.

There are a few different ways to take your song “Fucked My Way Up to the Top.” Is it about people not wanting to give you credit for your success? Or is it about fucking people to get to the top?

It’s commentary, like, “I know what you think of me,” and I’m alluding to that. You know, I have slept with a lot of guys in the industry, but none of them helped me get my record deals. Which is annoying.

Help me, I’m beginning to like Lana Del Rey again. I love it when a ho, even a fictional one, admits that she tried to sex her way to success, but failed, because it was kind of impossible for the industry dudes to sign her to a record deal when they were in a deep coma after putting their mouths on a giant, human Ambien pill. But Lana is doing some grade A trolling as always, because why would she need to suck dick for record deals when she’s got her daddy’s millions? That song should’ve been called “My Daddy’s Wallet Bought My Way Up To The Top-ish.” 

Boning old, gross dudes for the possibility of a record deal is one thing (I mean, I’ve boned old, gross dudes for a lot less), but how she can explain fucking current day Axl Rose after getting a record deal? I’m guessing that the only thing she got out of that is the recurring nightmare of the Crisco and coke-infused sweat drops from his bloated ginger Wilford Brimley face splashing her in the eyes as he did her missionary-style.

 

Justin Bieber Got A Job Modelling Underwear For Calvin Klein

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Back in April, it was rumoured that pre-pubescent rat boy Justin Bieber had shot a bunch of Calvin Klein ads with Pimp Mama Kris’s backup-Kim Kendull Jenner, but nobody really paid it much thought, since those two attention-desperate teens are always taking pictures in their underwear. But it looks like the rumours were true. The Daily Mail says that Calvin Klein has gone ahead and spit on the legacy of Marky Mark and his funky bulge by hiring Jack Gleeson’s non-union Canadian equivalent to be the baby face of an upcoming campaign.

A Calvin Klein source (whatever the hell that is) told The Daily Mail that Justin Bieber has shot for Calvin Klein and that they “hope the results will be released later this year” and that Baby Bieber’s campaign will be used to launch CK’s new line of upscale potty training pants (needs verification).

Calvin Klein has a rich history of hiring jailbait-looking models for their underwear ads, so it makes sense that they’d hire eternal toddler Justin Bieber to pose in his pull-ups. But it does feel a little weird having Justin model underwear when I’m not entirely sure his balls have dropped yet. Or maybe they really ARE launching a line of CK Juniors? Regardless, Chris Hansen should probably keep his schedule free for “later this year”.

And maybe this explains why Justin Bieber was recently cruising around Disneyland in a wheelchair. I’m guessing he showed up for his modelling gig and went straight for the big boy boxers, only to discover that the pair of XXS men’s undies were still too big for his little baby body. But because he’s a stubborn toddler, he put them on and demanded they start the shoot. Unfortunately, they almost instantly fell down past his knees, causing him to trip and fall and twist his ankle. Calvin Klein didn’t want to get sued, so they shut the little brat up by sending him on an all-expenses paid trip to Disneyland. Mystery solved!

Here’s more of Mahky Mahk Jr. in Beverly Hills earlier today. Oh my god, he can walk again! It’s a miracle!

Pic: Instagram, Splash

Naya Rivera Takes Her Kim Kardashian And JLo Impersonations To The Next Level

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

When Naya Rivera, the result of a Dollar General JLo doll and 99 Cent Store Kim Kardashian doll melting together in the sun, commits to Kim Kartrashian and JLo impersonations, the bitch really commits to Kim Kartrashian and JLo impersonations. Three months after she broke off her engagement to Big Sean, the swap meet Kanye to her swap meet Kim, Naya married an actor type named Ryan Dorsey in Cabo San Lucas on July 19th. Does this mean that Naya and Big Sean’s relationship was a fraud wrapped in lies wrapped in a PR stunt and she was doing this Ryan Dorsey trick behind-the-scenes the entire time?! I don’t know, but I do know that Naya is 27 years old, so she better spend her honeymoon filing annulment papers, because she needs to move onto the next husband if she wants to keep up with her face and life inspirations.

People (who can now list “Publishing those Naya Rivera wedding pictures” under charity contributions on their tax return) got the EXCLUSIVO pictures of Naya and Ryan getting one step closer to becoming divorced exes. Naya and Ryan got married on the beach in Cabo in front of a small group of family and friends who sat there while thinking to themselves, “I really hope this isn’t a shot gun situation, because I don’t want to waste my money on a wedding AND a baby gift for these two wrecks.” Naya wore a dress by Monique Lhuillier and a face by DuPont.

I’m sure that just like the melted plastic water bottles that she injects into her face, Naya and Ryan’s love will last for eternity and never disintegrate. Naya and Ryan shat out this statement of words about their wedding to People:

“We feel truly blessed to be joined as husband and wife. Our special day was fated and everything we could have ever asked for.”

And if you didn’t think this wedding could be more of a troll wedding, they had to spit out this hilarious dingle, “True love always prevails.” Let me fix that for you, Naya: “Fame whoring always prevails.” Better!

IN THIS ECONOMY, I don’t blame Naya for marrying her rebound. Naya was supposed to marry Big Sean, so she probably already bought the dress and booked the venue, the flowers, the DJ, the photographer, the food and already tipped the paparazzi off. Why let all of that go to waste?! Naya will lose a job, a record contract and her original face, but she refuses to let go of her wedding deposits!

You can’t really tell what Ryan Dorsey’s face looks like in the picture above, so here’s some pictures of his “hybrid of Ryan Phillippe and Adam Brody with a drop of Jared Padalecki” face and more importantly, his nipples.

Pics: Instagram

Kit From Crossroads Is Pregnant

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

When Zoe Saldana showed up to the Guardians of the Galaxy premiere wearing a giant sanitary belt over her front of her dress, most people figured it was because:

A) Her stylist was trying to get fired.

Or

B) She was trying to distract our eyes from noticing that a fetus had moved into her womb.

But the second she turned to the side, all that crafty trompe l’oeil masking tape trickery was useless, and it was pretty obvious she had a case of the babies. Us Weekly says that Zoe Saldana, star of TWO of the greatest dramatic films since the invention of celluloid, Crossroads and Center Stageis pregnant with her first child. An insider claims that Zoe is three months pregnant, but will only announce it when she’s ready. Until then, I look forward to more awkward attempts at disguising her fetus pouch.

This will be the first baby for Zoe and her husband, Italian artist Marco Perego, and the source claims they’re both super excited. Personally, I’m excited to see if their baby pops out with a full head of luscious butter-colored Fabio hair like its father. I mean, obviously it will, since a luxurious shoulder-length male model mane is hereditary (#science).

So congrats to Zoe and her hot Italian husband Marco Polo! And to baby Saldana-Perego: you might want to schedule a Silkwood shower and a hep shot immediately after you exit your mom, because there’s a chance you were conceived between two train cars on the New York City subway.

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Chachi, the one-eyed chihuahua and Joanie the pit bull, his best friend and protector!

Before I start throwing up eye roll-worthy stuff about fame whores and pieces of trash, here’s a giant cup of feelings for us to start our day with. HuffPo says that about a week ago, cops found Joanie and Chachi wandering around a neighborhood in Savannah, GA together. Animal Control Officers showed up to check the two out and when they arrived, they found Joanie carrying her injured friend in her mouth. Joanie would put Chachi down from time to time to lick his busted eye (an evil cat did it, obviously) and cops say that he “appreciated the attention.” The two best friends were taken to the Savannah Chatham Metropolitan Animal Control Shelter and they had to be separated while vets treated Chachi’s bum eye. They weren’t able to save his eye, but they patched him up and now he gets to see his BFF 4 EVA for an hour or two during the day.

The police were hoping that Joanie and Chachi’s owner would’ve come to the shelter to claim them by now, but either that owner doesn’t know where they are or that owner has a dead heart made of Lucifer’s ass nuggets, because no one has come forward. Joanie and Chachi are now up for adoption and I would take their asses in a second if I lived anywhere near Savannah and if my dog wouldn’t hate me for making him their third wheel (aka the Richie to Joanie and Chachi’s Joanie and Chachi). The shelter is hoping to adopt them together, because they only have eyes for each other. Well, Joanie only has eyes for Chachi, but Chachi only has an eye for Joanie.

hsotdsjoaniandchachi1

Animal Control Officer Christina Sutherin says that Joanie and Chachi are special friends and they should never be parted:

“It’s not every day we get to see such devotion between two special dogs like this. They are both such sweet animals. But the relationship they share just sets them apart. “Staff is amazed at the dedication and love these two have for one another. Neither one seems to care about another dog they are exposed to, only each other. They truly appear to be soul mates.”

They really are soulmates…. Unless, they’re really criminal partners on the run and they aren’t getting closer to other dogs, because they don’t want to blow their cover. Either way, I’ve overdosed on awwwwws and now I’m filled with sunshine, rainbows and hope. I need to go and read a Justin Bieber story so I feel dead inside again.

Pics: The Savannah-Chatham Metropolitan Police Department Facebook page

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Birthday Sluts

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Daniel Radcliffe (25)
Tristan MacManus (32)
Paul Wesley (32)
Michelle Williams (34)
Kathryn Hahn (41)
Omar Epps (41)
Monica Lewinsky (41)
Marlon Wayans (42)
Alison Krauss (43)
Charisma Carpenter (44)
Stephanie Seymour (46)
Slash (49)
Eriq La Salle (52)
Woody Harrelson (53)
Edie McClurg (63)

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Oh, It’s Just 4 “Sexy” Sisters, Being “Sexy” In The Pool Together

July 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Pimp Mama Kris Instagramm’d this nasty ass picture of her and her 3 whores today and besides the obvious comment of, “Where is a swarm of piranhas when you really need one?”, I have 4 comments about this mess:

1. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave.

2. E! calls this picture “a sexy family photo” (double heave) and thinks all these pieces of trash are topless. I’m pretty sure they’re wearing black swimsuits, but I’m sure that sometime next week PMK will tweet a picture of her and her hos topless, bottomless and spreading it for retweets.

3. I know Kim’s face looks Photoshopped in real-life, but her face really looks like it was copy+pasted there.

4. Speaking of copy+pasting, there’s a really easy way to make that picture a million times less heave-worthy. Just cover the faces of all those gutter tramps with Bruce Jenner’s pucker-inducing beautiful face.

kardashianphotoshoptopless1

Much better!

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