Archives: July 2014

Open Post: Hosted By ScarJo’s Short Hair And Her Man’s Outfit

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

If you didn’t read any of the names in that headline, you’re probably really confused and wondering why Kate Gosselin circa 2006 is holding hands with Michael Stipe as they make their way to a costume party whose theme is “It Fell Out Of The Butthole Of The 80s.

This is ScarJo and her sharp-as-all-hell fiancé and the father of her unborn baby Romain Dauriac (that’s “butchering hos with style” in French) strutting through NYC yesterday. The big story here is supposed to be that ScarJo chopped off her hair, dyed it the color of your first-of-the-morning piss and now looks like Mia Michaels. Throw a baggy apron with attached pants (those are no overalls) on her body and she looks like Mia Michaels working as a hostess at a Dexys Midnight Runners theme restaurant that floods a lot. But the real star here is her man’s ensemble. He looks like the new assistant scoutmaster of Troop Beverly Hills.

That ensemble is so wrong it’s right. That outfit is single-handedly ruining every memory you have from the 80s.

1. That hat. In the 80s, you begged and begged your parents to get you a hat like the one Boy George wore. On Christmas morning, you opened up a box and pulled out a hat that wasn’t black and wasn’t at all like Boy George’s. It was all wrong. You wore it anyway and felt like hot shit while doing so. Romain worked that hat better. The memory of your childhood in the 80s is now forever ruined.

2. That shirt. In the 80s, the grandpa you thought hated you came to visit you right after you had your tonsils taken out. He brought you ice cream, read you a story and told you he loved you. He was wearing that shirt, double pleated emerald green pants and green leather loafers. Romain worked that shirt better. The memory of your grandpa in the 80s is now forever ruined.

3. Those shorts. In the 80s, your mom had to come pick you up from summer camp early, because your weak ass was really homesick and caught a little bit of food poisoning. When she got out of the car, you ran toward her, hugged her and accidentally barfed on her shorts. She was wearing those shorts. She told you not to worry about it since she was planning to donate those shorts because they made her crotch look like Jabba the Hutt’s armpit vagina. Romain worked those shorts better. The memories of summer camp, Jabba the Hutt and your mom in the 80s are now forever ruined.

I still have a few of my clothes from the 80s, but I’m going to burn them all now. Because every time I pull out my acid wash jean vest, I’m going to say to myself, “Ugh, ScarJo’s man can work this better.”

Pics: Splash

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Katy Perry Says She Doesn’t Cultural Appropriate, She Cultural Appreciates

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

After boring us all into a coma last month with human chloroform-soaked rag Lana Del Zzzzz, Rolling Stone decided to violently shake our asses awake by putting a migraine-triggering Katy Perry on the cover this month. I wasn’t entirely sold on the whole “90s Claire’s sale rack realness” until I saw those gorgeous squared-off French tip acrylics she has on her fingers. Exquisite porn star blow job nails are always the look.

But for those of you looking at Katy’s nails and that choker made from anal beads like “I see this bitch has resorted to snatching at porn star culture now”, Katy Perry would like you to know she’s not blatantly ripping off shit because she’s a clueless middle-class white chick from Santa Barbara. She’s ripping off Egypt and Geishas because she appreciates shit at a deeper level. Like when she dressed up her backup dancers as Nicki Minaj-looking mummies; they weren’t supposed to be hoochie mamas, they were an homage to surgery-obsessed Beverly Hills-types:

“As far as the mummy thing, I based it on plastic surgery. Look at someone like Kim Kardashian or Ice-T’s wife, Coco. Those girls aren’t African-American. But it’s actually a representation of our culture wanting to be plastic, and that’s why there’s bandages and it’s mummies. I thought that would really correlate well together… It came from an honest place. If there was any inkling of anything bad, then it wouldn’t be there, because I’m very sensitive to people.”

Although she understands that some people took offense to it, so from now on, she’ll only do white people things, like wearing Tevas and pouring ranch dressing on everything:

“I guess I’ll just stick to baseball and hot dogs, and that’s it. I know that’s a quote that’s gonna come to fuck me in the ass, but can’t you appreciate a culture? I guess, like, everybody has to stay in their lane? I don’t know.”

And it doesn’t matter that you think she’s a sloppy copycat, because Katy Perry says Katy Perry is the hardest working bovine in the business:

“Every show day, from the moment I wake up, it’s just prep for that night. It’s like I’m a Kobe beef cow.”

But one thing she isn’t ready to culturally appropriate just yet is mom jeans and pregnancy farts, because she’s too busy playing dress-up to catch a case of fetus fever:

“I want to be doing that in the right time. And that’s not in the next two years, you know? Maybe it’s in a five-year plan, but I need to really be able to focus 100 percent of my attention on it. I don’t really want to take the child on tour. Not until, like, birth through five is over.”

I’m glad Katy doesn’t want to take a baby on tour, because I can’t imagine how confused that baby would be. “So, is my mom the Cleopatra-looking one, or the pastel LSD fairy, or the budget Hot Topic Catra? Where’s the one who shoots whipped cream from her tits? I want that one. Baby’s hungry.”

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Beyonce Is Right On Time

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Page Six has made it their new goal in life to destroy the Illuminati’s chosen couple and when they published stories about how Jay-Z is passing his camel rocket to RiRi and Beyonce is looking to buy a penthouse of her very own, I figured she’d answer to those rumors by Instagramming a picture of her and RiRi making friendship bracelets together at a BFFs-only slumber party and a picture of her and her husband boning in their living room under a Home Sweet Home wreath. Beyonce didn’t Instagram anything like that, but she did Instagram a picture of Jay-Z and God’s spirit guide Blue Ivy Carter strolling along a beach that looks like it’s covered in bunny shit. Beyonce threw the STUNT QUEEN Instagram filter on it and added this note:

My favorite hue is JayZ Blue

Bey, please. We all know your favorite hue is Get Money Green (but whose isn’t?). Case in point: The Fifty Shades Of Grey trailer.

Nice try, Beyonce, but it’s obvious that isn’t Jay-Z or Blue Ivy Carter. We can’t see their faces! Beyonce couldn’t take a picture of Jay-Z, because he was too busy dropping camel saliva bombs on RiRi’s airport runway forehead while doing her missionary style. Beyonce couldn’t take a picture of BIC, because that baby was too blabbering in goo goo gaga talk to the team of interior designers who are designing her wing of the Manhattan penthouse her mom bought. That’s obviously one of Beyonce’s minions in a Joe Camel costume and the part of Blue Ivy Carter is being played by a slimmed down Emmanuel Lewis. Beyonce is shameless and thinks we’re all about as dumb as a dried glob of wig glue, but at least she gave Emmanuel Lewis a job. I will give her that.

Growing Up Pretty Was Hard: The Kate Upton Edition

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Let’s all put our money together and hire a bunch of wailing women to cry for Kate Upton, because when the poor thing was a kid she suffered from a severe disability called being pretty. Before Kate Upton used her huge tits and looks to make millions upon millions of dollars, she was just a regular Florida farm girl whose prettiness was an “inconvenience.” (“Inconvenience?!  You’d think the prettiest cow in the farm would get all the attention and be saved from the slaughter house every time.” – Carol Alt)

Kate Upton, the future chairwoman of the We Survived Being Pretty Foundation, tells Elle UK (via E!) that she was always pretty, but when she was a girl, being pretty hurt her rather than helped her. That isn’t the only thing that will pull at your eye rolling muscle. Kate also said that she’d happily give up all her millions and fame to go back to living a simple life on the farm. The Anna Nicole of this generation (sans charisma, smarts and a hot side kick like Assistant Kimmy) spit out these dingles to Elle UK:

On growing up pretty: “Living on a farm, beauty doesn’t get you anywhere. Because I was pretty didn’t mean I could convince my sister to do my chores. It was kind of inconvenient to be pretty, growing up.”

On how money means nothing to her: “I feel like I’m rich because I love my family and friends. I love my horse and my dog. I would be fine leaving all of this behind and living on a farm somewhere.”

On how she thanked God when her gigantic chichis popped up on her chest: “I was really excited about becoming a woman. Because I’m from Florida, it’s all about being in bathing suits. It’s a different view of beauty there. You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body. And I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought, ‘Yessss!’ And then people say, ‘Oh, wow, you’re healthy.’ And you’re like, ‘Wait – what?’ I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!’”

Inconvenient” doesn’t mean what Kate Upton thinks it means, but I’ll give her a pass. During that interview, words and definitions got mixed up in that empty helium tank head of hers, because she was really frazzled from reliving the traumatic experience of growing up pretty. Those of us who were awkward, homely and a mess as kids looked at the pretty, white girls and figured they had it good. We were not only wrong to judge, but we were flat-out wrong. They had it worse! That Twilight Zone episode is real. Thank you, Kate Upton, for bringing this taboo subject to the surface. Kate Upton is so brave and so courageous. #NotAllPrettyGirls

Whoopi Goldberg Pulled A Whoopi Goldberg By Defending Stephen A. Smith’s Domestic Abuse Comments On The View

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I guess Whoopi Goldberg’s official title at The View is “The Devil’s Chatty Advocate”, because once again, she’s come to the defense of the not-right words falling out of some jerk’s talk-hole. Whoopi has defended Mel Gilbson’s infamous racist rant, defended Roman Polanski by inventing the word “rape-rape”, and most recently, defended human hershey squirt Justin Bieber’s use of the n-word. And now we can add Stephen A. Smith’s name to the list of people sending Whoopi an Edible Arrangement with a little note that says “xo thanks boo!”

On Monday’s episode of The View, the hens started clucking about the questionable remarks ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith made about domestic violence in response to the story of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice beating his wife in a casino and dragging her unconscious body out of an elevator. Smith has since been suspended for saying that it’s never OK for a man to pull a Chris Brown on his wife, but that sometimes a lady needs to “make sure” she doesn’t “do anything to provoke wrong actions”. On Monday, Smith apologized for his comments, but Whoopi wasn’t having any of that “I sowwy” shit. Whoopi grabbed for the bottle of Shits About To Get REAL-brand vodka she keeps stashed under her chair, took two giant swigs, and defended Stephen A. Smith for speaking the TRUTH:

“If you hit somebody, you cannot be sure you are not going to get hit back!…If you make the choice as a woman who’s four foot three and you decide to hit a guy who’s six feet tall and you’re the last thing he wants to deal with that day and he hits you back, you cannot be surprised!”

I think Whoopi needs to walk her ass to the optometrist and get the prescription on her glasses checked, because if a mouth breather like Sherri Shepherd is staring at you like you’ve got dried smegma flakes for brains and noted dum-dum Jenny McCarthy is sending you “Oh here go hell come” vibes, it might be time to stop talking. And if she did see the army of shank-eyes staring back at her and choose to keep running her mouth, well then Whoopi truly does not give a fuck anymore, and I look forward to the day she shows up to tape The View wearing her neon green and purple Oscar gown while eating slices of apple off the blade of a knife like a pirate.

(via The Wrap)

Marnie From Girls Will Sing And Fly As NBC’s Peter Pan

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

NBC is following up their casting of a soulless, bland American Girl Doll who can sing as Maria Von Trapp by casting a soulless, bland American Girl Doll who can sing as Peter Pan! I can’t wait until this time next year when NBC announces that Lana Del Ambien will be Mama Rose in Gypsy Live! 

Brian Williams must have some serious embarrassing shit on the head of NBC (examples: pictures of him spit-roasting the NBC Peacock with Matt Lauer, audio of him sloppily and loudly sucking off Jay Leno’s chin during the late night wars… ), because NBC announced today that his daughter will play the title role in Peter Pan Live! opposite Christopher Walken as Captain Hook this December. The second star to the right shines thanks to her daddy’s influence!

A grown woman playing Peter Pan in the Peter Pan musical isn’t weird since a grown woman usually plays Peter Pan in that shit (see: Mary, Martin, Cathy Rigby and Sandy Duncan). But it’s really weird that Marnie from Girls is playing Peter Pan. There are so many grown women who can perfectly play a young boy, like Pink and Justin Bieber, and NBC goes with Allison Williams? NBC should go full foolery and fill the Peter Pan Live! cast with hos from Girls. Adam Is Tiger Lily! Shosh IS Wendy! Lena Dunham IS Smee! Hate aside, I’m actually into this casting, because Allison Williams’ Peter Pan wig alone is going to be the fuel that feeds this future train wreck. I can’t wait!

Allison told The Wrap that playing Peter Pan is a dream she’s had since birth, practically:

“I have wanted to play Peter Pan since I was about three years old, so this is a dream come true. It’s such an honor to be a part of this adventure, and I’m very excited to get to work with this extraordinarily talented team. And besides, what could go wrong in a live televised production with simultaneous flying, sword fighting and singing?”

First of all, she’s lying. We all know that Allison’s main dream when she was three was to marry a Disney prince, live in a kingdom made of cotton candy and adopt a unicorn that poots out heart-shaped glitter cookies. She was THAT girl (and I was THAT boy, because that was my dream too and yes, it still is). Second of all, actors saying “I’ve had this dream since I was 3″ is the new “over the moon.” They always say that shit. I might’ve been impressed if she said, “While doing the backstroke in my daddy’s nutsack, I hoped that one day I’d get out of there and put on a busted wig to play Peter Pan in a TV musical.”

Kim Kardashian Threw Shade At Adrienne Bailon On Twitter For Throwing Shade At Her Brother In A Magazine

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Former Cheetah Girl and current…uh…discount JLo impersonator (??) Adrienne Bailon recently gave an interview to Latina magazine (via Daily Mail) that has seriously pissed off former porn star and Botox enthusiast Kim Kardashian. A long long time ago, before Rob Kardashian fell in love with cheeseburgers and cough syrup, he and Adrienne Bailon dated/fucked/whatever for two years. She even got his name tattooed on her ass (#truelove). But then it ended, like all Kardashian relationships do, when Rob’s dick got bored and started sniffing around.

All this happened more than 5 years ago, but I guess Adrienne is still pissed about Rob giving her a pair of Arthur George socks for her birthday or something, because she decided to dig up the rotten corpse of their long-dead relationship during her interview. And Latina was like “Sure, why not? What else are we going to talk about? 3LW?”

“To be stuck with that Kardashian label, that was so hurtful to me and to my career.  I probably realized that too late—not that it would’ve affected my decisions in terms of who I dated, but it would’ve affected my decision to appear on the show. At the time, I didn’t think anyone would even care. To this day, people will still say, ‘You ruined Rob’s life!’ and I’ll think, Damn, I was still playing with Barbie dolls when I met him.”

“It’s common knowledge that he cheated on me, and it always bothered me that people were like, ‘Pero, why couldn’t you forgive him?’ Why are women always the ones who have to forgive? He strategically planned things out so that he could cheat on me, and that to me was so disloyal.”

Upon hearing the news that someone would dare attempt to sully the unblemished reputation of the Kardashian name, Kim stormed off (aka sluggishly lurched like a lethargic zombie hooker) to Twitter to bitch out Adrienne:

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Kim, you didn’t have to add “FROZEN VOICE” – everyone knows your voice sound like that of a recently-thawed caveman. But honestly, “So sad when people try to kick my brother when he is down”? THIS BITCH! Kim, please grab two chairs (one for each of your silicone-heavy ass cheeks) and take a seat. I’m sure if we looked under Rob’s shirt, we’d find permanent hoof-prints from all the kicking Kim has done. Kim is just pissed that Adrienne threw Rob under the bus without asking Kim for permission first. “Sorry bitch, but if anyone is going to get attention for talking shit about how useless my brother is, it’s me.” 

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

The flight attendant on the Australian airline Jetstar who gave passengers the best customer service when he told them to flush all their drugs down the toilet before landing.

At the end of a late night flight to Sydney on Sunday, the crew were told that bad shit-sniffing dogs and officers were waiting at the gate to search passengers for drugs. The flight was carrying a lot of people coming back from the Splendour in the Grass music festival (read: a bunch of drugged out MESSES), so one flight attendant did them all a favor by warning them to feed their drugs to the toilet if they wanted to avoid a Brokedown Palace Australian-style situation. The Daily Telegraph says that the hero flight attendant gave this pro-tip before landing:

“We have been told there are sniffer dogs and quarantine officers waiting in the domestic terminal. If you need to dispose of anything you shouldn’t have we suggest you flush it now.”

The Telegraph claims that a lot of people ran to the toilets after that announcement. Who knows if those people were just having a laugh or if they were really flushing their stashes down the toilet. I don’t know, but one witness did say that after the flight landed, Lindsay Lohan was seen holding a giant bag under the place where the plane’s sewer lines get cleared.

Some passengers were shocked and offended over the announcement, because their pearl clutching muscle was feeling a little weak and they wanted to work it out some more. Jetstar issued a statement and apologized for one of their own going off script.

“We’re required to play a pre-recorded quarantine announcement for customers on all flights across interstate and territory borders within Australia. Our procedures also allow cabin crew to deliver the quarantine message through a public announcement and on this occasion the crew member elected to do so. The crew member’s words were poorly chosen and are plainly at odds with the professional standards we’d ­expect from our team. We’re addressing the matter with the cabin crew member involved.”

I hope by “addressing the matter with the cabin crew member involved,” they mean promoting him to President of Customer Service and Everything, because when choosing an airline, you should always choose an airline that will let you know when you need to sadly part with your stash at the toilet or shove it all the way up your culo. In possibly related news, Charlie Sheen announced that he’s quitting Hollywood and has taken a job as a toilet on a Jetstar plane.

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Birthday Sluts

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Vivica A. Fox (50)
Diana Vickers (23)
Yvonne Strahovski (32)
Hope Solo (33)
Misty May-Treanor (37)
Jaime Pressley (37)
Hilary Swank (40)
Elvis Crespo (43)
Tom Green (43)
Christine Taylor (43)
Christopher Nolan (44)
Simon Baker (45)
Terry Crews (46)
Lisa Kudrow (51)
Alton Brown (52)
Laurence Fishburne (53)
Richard Linklater (54)
Kate Bush (56)
Delta Burke (58)
Ken Olin (60)
Frank Stallone (64)
Jean Reno (66)
Arnold Schwarzenegger (67)
Paul Anka (73)
Peter Bogdanovich (75)

Pic: Derek Blanks

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