Lana Del Rey, the character played by Elizabeth Woolridge Grant and created with her rich daddy’s money, tells Complex that she tried to fuck her way to the top, but giving dudes in the industry a taste of her Pepsi-Cola pussy (“Eh, tastes more like a bland and flat Pepsi knock-off bought at Big Lots.” – every industry dude who’s tasted her Shasta Cola pussy) didn’t even put her on the first step of the ladder. During her interview with Complex, the world’s first fully functional comatose patient was asked if her song “Fucked My Way Up To The Top” is a commentary on people thinking she fucked for a record deal or if she really did use her coochie to get ahead. Blahna Del Meh said that it’s commentary, but she has dropped her twat on a lot of music industry dick.
There are a few different ways to take your song “Fucked My Way Up to the Top.” Is it about people not wanting to give you credit for your success? Or is it about fucking people to get to the top?
It’s commentary, like, “I know what you think of me,” and I’m alluding to that. You know, I have slept with a lot of guys in the industry, but none of them helped me get my record deals. Which is annoying.
Help me, I’m beginning to like Lana Del Rey again. I love it when a ho, even a fictional one, admits that she tried to sex her way to success, but failed, because it was kind of impossible for the industry dudes to sign her to a record deal when they were in a deep coma after putting their mouths on a giant, human Ambien pill. But Lana is doing some grade A trolling as always, because why would she need to suck dick for record deals when she’s got her daddy’s millions? That song should’ve been called “My Daddy’s Wallet Bought My Way Up To The Top-ish.”
Boning old, gross dudes for the possibility of a record deal is one thing (I mean, I’ve boned old, gross dudes for a lot less), but how she can explain fucking current day Axl Rose after getting a record deal? I’m guessing that the only thing she got out of that is the recurring nightmare of the Crisco and coke-infused sweat drops from his bloated ginger Wilford Brimley face splashing her in the eyes as he did her missionary-style.
Back in April, it was rumoured that pre-pubescent rat boy Justin Bieber had shot a bunch of Calvin Klein ads with Pimp Mama Kris’s backup-Kim Kendull Jenner, but nobody really paid it much thought, since those two attention-desperate teens are always taking pictures in their underwear. But it looks like the rumours were true. The Daily Mail says that Calvin Klein has gone ahead and spit on the legacy of Marky Mark and his funky bulge by hiring Jack Gleeson’s non-union Canadian equivalent to be the baby face of an upcoming campaign.
A Calvin Klein source (whatever the hell that is) told The Daily Mail that Justin Bieber has shot for Calvin Klein and that they “hope the results will be released later this year” and that Baby Bieber’s campaign will be used to launch CK’s new line of upscale potty training pants (needs verification).
Calvin Klein has a rich history of hiring jailbait-looking models for their underwear ads, so it makes sense that they’d hire eternal toddler Justin Bieber to pose in his pull-ups. But it does feel a little weird having Justin model underwear when I’m not entirely sure his balls have dropped yet. Or maybe they really ARE launching a line of CK Juniors? Regardless, Chris Hansen should probably keep his schedule free for “later this year”.
And maybe this explains why Justin Bieber was recently cruising around Disneyland in a wheelchair. I’m guessing he showed up for his modelling gig and went straight for the big boy boxers, only to discover that the pair of XXS men’s undies were still too big for his little baby body. But because he’s a stubborn toddler, he put them on and demanded they start the shoot. Unfortunately, they almost instantly fell down past his knees, causing him to trip and fall and twist his ankle. Calvin Klein didn’t want to get sued, so they shut the little brat up by sending him on an all-expenses paid trip to Disneyland. Mystery solved!
Here’s more of Mahky Mahk Jr. in Beverly Hills earlier today. Oh my god, he can walk again! It’s a miracle!
When Naya Rivera, the result of a Dollar General JLo doll and 99 Cent Store Kim Kardashian doll melting together in the sun, commits to Kim Kartrashian and JLo impersonations, the bitch really commits to Kim Kartrashian and JLo impersonations. Three months after she broke off her engagement to Big Sean, the swap meet Kanye to her swap meet Kim, Naya married an actor type named Ryan Dorsey in Cabo San Lucas on July 19th. Does this mean that Naya and Big Sean’s relationship was a fraud wrapped in lies wrapped in a PR stunt and she was doing this Ryan Dorsey trick behind-the-scenes the entire time?! I don’t know, but I do know that Naya is 27 years old, so she better spend her honeymoon filing annulment papers, because she needs to move onto the next husband if she wants to keep up with her face and life inspirations.
People (who can now list “Publishing those Naya Rivera wedding pictures” under charity contributions on their tax return) got the EXCLUSIVO pictures of Naya and Ryan getting one step closer to becoming divorced exes. Naya and Ryan got married on the beach in Cabo in front of a small group of family and friends who sat there while thinking to themselves, “I really hope this isn’t a shot gun situation, because I don’t want to waste my money on a wedding AND a baby gift for these two wrecks.” Naya wore a dress by Monique Lhuillier and a face by DuPont.
I’m sure that just like the melted plastic water bottles that she injects into her face, Naya and Ryan’s love will last for eternity and never disintegrate. Naya and Ryan shat out this statement of words about their wedding to People:
“We feel truly blessed to be joined as husband and wife. Our special day was fated and everything we could have ever asked for.”
And if you didn’t think this wedding could be more of a troll wedding, they had to spit out this hilarious dingle, “True love always prevails.” Let me fix that for you, Naya: “Fame whoring always prevails.” Better!
IN THIS ECONOMY, I don’t blame Naya for marrying her rebound. Naya was supposed to marry Big Sean, so she probably already bought the dress and booked the venue, the flowers, the DJ, the photographer, the food and already tipped the paparazzi off. Why let all of that go to waste?! Naya will lose a job, a record contract and her original face, but she refuses to let go of her wedding deposits!
You can’t really tell what Ryan Dorsey’s face looks like in the picture above, so here’s some pictures of his “hybrid of Ryan Phillippe and Adam Brody with a drop of Jared Padalecki” face and more importantly, his nipples.
When Zoe Saldana showed up to the Guardians of the Galaxy premiere wearing a giant sanitary belt over her front of her dress, most people figured it was because:
A) Her stylist was trying to get fired.
B) She was trying to distract our eyes from noticing that a fetus had moved into her womb.
But the second she turned to the side, all that crafty trompe l’oeil masking tape trickery was useless, and it was pretty obvious she had a case of the babies. Us Weekly says that Zoe Saldana, star of TWO of the greatest dramatic films since the invention of celluloid, Crossroads and Center Stage, is pregnant with her first child. An insider claims that Zoe is three months pregnant, but will only announce it when she’s ready. Until then, I look forward to more awkward attempts at disguising her fetus pouch.
This will be the first baby for Zoe and her husband, Italian artist Marco Perego, and the source claims they’re both super excited. Personally, I’m excited to see if their baby pops out with a full head of luscious butter-colored Fabio hair like its father. I mean, obviously it will, since a luxurious shoulder-length male model mane is hereditary (#science).
So congrats to Zoe and her hot Italian husband Marco Polo! And to baby Saldana-Perego: you might want to schedule a Silkwood shower and a hep shot immediately after you exit your mom, because there’s a chance you were conceived between two train cars on the New York City subway.
Pictures from Chris Martin’s colonoscopy procedure a week after his conscious uncoupling from Goopy. – ProfessorMumbleWhore
…and a Diet Coke, please. – Slurpee
Chachi, the one-eyed chihuahua and Joanie the pit bull, his best friend and protector!
Before I start throwing up eye roll-worthy stuff about fame whores and pieces of trash, here’s a giant cup of feelings for us to start our day with. HuffPo says that about a week ago, cops found Joanie and Chachi wandering around a neighborhood in Savannah, GA together. Animal Control Officers showed up to check the two out and when they arrived, they found Joanie carrying her injured friend in her mouth. Joanie would put Chachi down from time to time to lick his busted eye (an evil cat did it, obviously) and cops say that he “appreciated the attention.” The two best friends were taken to the Savannah Chatham Metropolitan Animal Control Shelter and they had to be separated while vets treated Chachi’s bum eye. They weren’t able to save his eye, but they patched him up and now he gets to see his BFF 4 EVA for an hour or two during the day.
The police were hoping that Joanie and Chachi’s owner would’ve come to the shelter to claim them by now, but either that owner doesn’t know where they are or that owner has a dead heart made of Lucifer’s ass nuggets, because no one has come forward. Joanie and Chachi are now up for adoption and I would take their asses in a second if I lived anywhere near Savannah and if my dog wouldn’t hate me for making him their third wheel (aka the Richie to Joanie and Chachi’s Joanie and Chachi). The shelter is hoping to adopt them together, because they only have eyes for each other. Well, Joanie only has eyes for Chachi, but Chachi only has an eye for Joanie.
Animal Control Officer Christina Sutherin says that Joanie and Chachi are special friends and they should never be parted:
“It’s not every day we get to see such devotion between two special dogs like this. They are both such sweet animals. But the relationship they share just sets them apart. “Staff is amazed at the dedication and love these two have for one another. Neither one seems to care about another dog they are exposed to, only each other. They truly appear to be soul mates.”
They really are soulmates…. Unless, they’re really criminal partners on the run and they aren’t getting closer to other dogs, because they don’t want to blow their cover. Either way, I’ve overdosed on awwwwws and now I’m filled with sunshine, rainbows and hope. I need to go and read a Justin Bieber story so I feel dead inside again.
Daniel Radcliffe (25)
Tristan MacManus (32)
Paul Wesley (32)
Michelle Williams (34)
Kathryn Hahn (41)
Omar Epps (41)
Monica Lewinsky (41)
Marlon Wayans (42)
Alison Krauss (43)
Charisma Carpenter (44)
Stephanie Seymour (46)
Eriq La Salle (52)
Woody Harrelson (53)
Edie McClurg (63)
Pimp Mama Kris Instagramm’d this nasty ass picture of her and her 3 whores today and besides the obvious comment of, “Where is a swarm of piranhas when you really need one?”, I have 4 comments about this mess:
2. E! calls this picture “a sexy family photo” (double heave) and thinks all these pieces of trash are topless. I’m pretty sure they’re wearing black swimsuits, but I’m sure that sometime next week PMK will tweet a picture of her and her hos topless, bottomless and spreading it for retweets.
3. I know Kim’s face looks Photoshopped in real-life, but her face really looks like it was copy+pasted there.
4. Speaking of copy+pasting, there’s a really easy way to make that picture a million times less heave-worthy. Just cover the faces of all those gutter tramps with Bruce Jenner’s pucker-inducing beautiful face.
Someone on Instagram overheard Leonard DiCatchAHo talking shit about Matt Damon at a restaurant in Miami. It’s not known what kind of shit Leonardo was spilling about Matt, but my guess is that he’s pissed, because that whore Matt Damon stole the role of Scott Thorson in Behind the Candelabra from him and he really wanted to do Michael Douglas from behind. That role-wrecking slut Matt Damon! - Lainey Gossip
Looks like Yolanda Foster is raising the next Parasite Hilton – WWTDD
Yes, Justin Theroux is allergic to color, in case you were wondering – Celebitchy
Pure natural elegance has a name and it’s Adriana De Moura! – Reality Tea
And somewhere off in the distance, a scorpion has gone blind - Drunken Stepfather
Backdoor Farrah thinks that Jessica Alba or Sandra Bullock should play her in a movie, and I would expect nothing less from a plastic supermarket pony ride with dried cum balls for brains - The Superficial
The producers of Cuckoo have learned that Taylor Lautner’s shit acting skills seem to get a little better when he takes his top off – Towleroad
In “What Did Taylor Swift Wear To Walk Into A Building Today?” news…. – Hollywood Tuna
Sarah Palin got a speeding ticket and she hasn’t blamed Obama, yet – Jezebel
David Lynch designed a yoga wear collection for chicks, because he’s David Lynch and his main job is to keep you WTFing at all times – OMG Blog
Natalie Portman’s hair looks like curly fries – Popoholic
Celeb whores who’ve got the opposite of that Benjamin Button’s shit (but why is Sarah Jessica Parker on this list?) – The Berry
Philip Seymour Hoffman doesn’t want his kids to grow up to be trust fund assholes – ICYDK
Things that’ll make you miss Partners in Kryme: The new Teenage Mutant Turtles theme song – Pajiba
This is what JLo looks like in a bikini in case you forgot – IDLYITW
Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love were vanguards of the bathroom selfie movement – HuffPo
Ryan Phillippe could really use a strong Sharpie brow – Just Jared
It must be weird for Selena Gomez to be with a piece who doesn’t need his diaper changed every 3 hours – Popsugar
Recently I posted pictures of the most gorgeous woman in the world Joan Collins working her yacht body and Leonardo DiCatchAHo working his bloated beach body, so I thought I’d complete the trifecta of hotness by gifting your retinas with the hot gift that is Giorgio Armani looking like a honey roasted chicken in a Speedo while vacationing with his friends in Ibiza. There’s just something about a Voldemort-looking ass 81-year-old with skin as supple as a leather recliner and perky chicken cordon bleu pecs. My only complaint is that Giorgio is supposed to be some kind of fashion legend and yet he’s not keeping up with the latest pepaw trends by wearing a plastic bag satchel tied around his Speedo. I guess the hot Open Post dance machine from yesterday is just too fashion forward.