Archives: July 2014

Growing Up Pretty Was Hard: The Kate Upton Edition

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Let’s all put our money together and hire a bunch of wailing women to cry for Kate Upton, because when the poor thing was a kid she suffered from a severe disability called being pretty. Before Kate Upton used her huge tits and looks to make millions upon millions of dollars, she was just a regular Florida farm girl whose prettiness was an “inconvenience.” (“Inconvenience?!  You’d think the prettiest cow in the farm would get all the attention and be saved from the slaughter house every time.” – Carol Alt)

Kate Upton, the future chairwoman of the We Survived Being Pretty Foundation, tells Elle UK (via E!) that she was always pretty, but when she was a girl, being pretty hurt her rather than helped her. That isn’t the only thing that will pull at your eye rolling muscle. Kate also said that she’d happily give up all her millions and fame to go back to living a simple life on the farm. The Anna Nicole of this generation (sans charisma, smarts and a hot side kick like Assistant Kimmy) spit out these dingles to Elle UK:

On growing up pretty: “Living on a farm, beauty doesn’t get you anywhere. Because I was pretty didn’t mean I could convince my sister to do my chores. It was kind of inconvenient to be pretty, growing up.”

On how money means nothing to her: “I feel like I’m rich because I love my family and friends. I love my horse and my dog. I would be fine leaving all of this behind and living on a farm somewhere.”

On how she thanked God when her gigantic chichis popped up on her chest: “I was really excited about becoming a woman. Because I’m from Florida, it’s all about being in bathing suits. It’s a different view of beauty there. You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body. And I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought, ‘Yessss!’ And then people say, ‘Oh, wow, you’re healthy.’ And you’re like, ‘Wait – what?’ I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!’”

Inconvenient” doesn’t mean what Kate Upton thinks it means, but I’ll give her a pass. During that interview, words and definitions got mixed up in that empty helium tank head of hers, because she was really frazzled from reliving the traumatic experience of growing up pretty. Those of us who were awkward, homely and a mess as kids looked at the pretty, white girls and figured they had it good. We were not only wrong to judge, but we were flat-out wrong. They had it worse! That Twilight Zone episode is real. Thank you, Kate Upton, for bringing this taboo subject to the surface. Kate Upton is so brave and so courageous. #NotAllPrettyGirls

Whoopi Goldberg Pulled A Whoopi Goldberg By Defending Stephen A. Smith’s Domestic Abuse Comments On The View

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I guess Whoopi Goldberg’s official title at The View is “The Devil’s Chatty Advocate”, because once again, she’s come to the defense of the not-right words falling out of some jerk’s talk-hole. Whoopi has defended Mel Gilbson’s infamous racist rant, defended Roman Polanski by inventing the word “rape-rape”, and most recently, defended human hershey squirt Justin Bieber’s use of the n-word. And now we can add Stephen A. Smith’s name to the list of people sending Whoopi an Edible Arrangement with a little note that says “xo thanks boo!”

On Monday’s episode of The View, the hens started clucking about the questionable remarks ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith made about domestic violence in response to the story of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice beating his wife in a casino and dragging her unconscious body out of an elevator. Smith has since been suspended for saying that it’s never OK for a man to pull a Chris Brown on his wife, but that sometimes a lady needs to “make sure” she doesn’t “do anything to provoke wrong actions”. On Monday, Smith apologized for his comments, but Whoopi wasn’t having any of that “I sowwy” shit. Whoopi grabbed for the bottle of Shits About To Get REAL-brand vodka she keeps stashed under her chair, took two giant swigs, and defended Stephen A. Smith for speaking the TRUTH:

“If you hit somebody, you cannot be sure you are not going to get hit back!…If you make the choice as a woman who’s four foot three and you decide to hit a guy who’s six feet tall and you’re the last thing he wants to deal with that day and he hits you back, you cannot be surprised!”

I think Whoopi needs to walk her ass to the optometrist and get the prescription on her glasses checked, because if a mouth breather like Sherri Shepherd is staring at you like you’ve got dried smegma flakes for brains and noted dum-dum Jenny McCarthy is sending you “Oh here go hell come” vibes, it might be time to stop talking. And if she did see the army of shank-eyes staring back at her and choose to keep running her mouth, well then Whoopi truly does not give a fuck anymore, and I look forward to the day she shows up to tape The View wearing her neon green and purple Oscar gown while eating slices of apple off the blade of a knife like a pirate.

(via The Wrap)

Marnie From Girls Will Sing And Fly As NBC’s Peter Pan

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

NBC is following up their casting of a soulless, bland American Girl Doll who can sing as Maria Von Trapp by casting a soulless, bland American Girl Doll who can sing as Peter Pan! I can’t wait until this time next year when NBC announces that Lana Del Ambien will be Mama Rose in Gypsy Live! 

Brian Williams must have some serious embarrassing shit on the head of NBC (examples: pictures of him spit-roasting the NBC Peacock with Matt Lauer, audio of him sloppily and loudly sucking off Jay Leno’s chin during the late night wars… ), because NBC announced today that his daughter will play the title role in Peter Pan Live! opposite Christopher Walken as Captain Hook this December. The second star to the right shines thanks to her daddy’s influence!

A grown woman playing Peter Pan in the Peter Pan musical isn’t weird since a grown woman usually plays Peter Pan in that shit (see: Mary, Martin, Cathy Rigby and Sandy Duncan). But it’s really weird that Marnie from Girls is playing Peter Pan. There are so many grown women who can perfectly play a young boy, like Pink and Justin Bieber, and NBC goes with Allison Williams? NBC should go full foolery and fill the Peter Pan Live! cast with hos from Girls. Adam Is Tiger Lily! Shosh IS Wendy! Lena Dunham IS Smee! Hate aside, I’m actually into this casting, because Allison Williams’ Peter Pan wig alone is going to be the fuel that feeds this future train wreck. I can’t wait!

Allison told The Wrap that playing Peter Pan is a dream she’s had since birth, practically:

“I have wanted to play Peter Pan since I was about three years old, so this is a dream come true. It’s such an honor to be a part of this adventure, and I’m very excited to get to work with this extraordinarily talented team. And besides, what could go wrong in a live televised production with simultaneous flying, sword fighting and singing?”

First of all, she’s lying. We all know that Allison’s main dream when she was three was to marry a Disney prince, live in a kingdom made of cotton candy and adopt a unicorn that poots out heart-shaped glitter cookies. She was THAT girl (and I was THAT boy, because that was my dream too and yes, it still is). Second of all, actors saying “I’ve had this dream since I was 3″ is the new “over the moon.” They always say that shit. I might’ve been impressed if she said, “While doing the backstroke in my daddy’s nutsack, I hoped that one day I’d get out of there and put on a busted wig to play Peter Pan in a TV musical.”

Kim Kardashian Threw Shade At Adrienne Bailon On Twitter For Throwing Shade At Her Brother In A Magazine

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Former Cheetah Girl and current…uh…discount JLo impersonator (??) Adrienne Bailon recently gave an interview to Latina magazine (via Daily Mail) that has seriously pissed off former porn star and Botox enthusiast Kim Kardashian. A long long time ago, before Rob Kardashian fell in love with cheeseburgers and cough syrup, he and Adrienne Bailon dated/fucked/whatever for two years. She even got his name tattooed on her ass (#truelove). But then it ended, like all Kardashian relationships do, when Rob’s dick got bored and started sniffing around.

All this happened more than 5 years ago, but I guess Adrienne is still pissed about Rob giving her a pair of Arthur George socks for her birthday or something, because she decided to dig up the rotten corpse of their long-dead relationship during her interview. And Latina was like “Sure, why not? What else are we going to talk about? 3LW?”

“To be stuck with that Kardashian label, that was so hurtful to me and to my career.  I probably realized that too late—not that it would’ve affected my decisions in terms of who I dated, but it would’ve affected my decision to appear on the show. At the time, I didn’t think anyone would even care. To this day, people will still say, ‘You ruined Rob’s life!’ and I’ll think, Damn, I was still playing with Barbie dolls when I met him.”

“It’s common knowledge that he cheated on me, and it always bothered me that people were like, ‘Pero, why couldn’t you forgive him?’ Why are women always the ones who have to forgive? He strategically planned things out so that he could cheat on me, and that to me was so disloyal.”

Upon hearing the news that someone would dare attempt to sully the unblemished reputation of the Kardashian name, Kim stormed off (aka sluggishly lurched like a lethargic zombie hooker) to Twitter to bitch out Adrienne:

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Kim, you didn’t have to add “FROZEN VOICE” – everyone knows your voice sound like that of a recently-thawed caveman. But honestly, “So sad when people try to kick my brother when he is down”? THIS BITCH! Kim, please grab two chairs (one for each of your silicone-heavy ass cheeks) and take a seat. I’m sure if we looked under Rob’s shirt, we’d find permanent hoof-prints from all the kicking Kim has done. Kim is just pissed that Adrienne threw Rob under the bus without asking Kim for permission first. “Sorry bitch, but if anyone is going to get attention for talking shit about how useless my brother is, it’s me.” 

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

The flight attendant on the Australian airline Jetstar who gave passengers the best customer service when he told them to flush all their drugs down the toilet before landing.

At the end of a late night flight to Sydney on Sunday, the crew were told that bad shit-sniffing dogs and officers were waiting at the gate to search passengers for drugs. The flight was carrying a lot of people coming back from the Splendour in the Grass music festival (read: a bunch of drugged out MESSES), so one flight attendant did them all a favor by warning them to feed their drugs to the toilet if they wanted to avoid a Brokedown Palace Australian-style situation. The Daily Telegraph says that the hero flight attendant gave this pro-tip before landing:

“We have been told there are sniffer dogs and quarantine officers waiting in the domestic terminal. If you need to dispose of anything you shouldn’t have we suggest you flush it now.”

The Telegraph claims that a lot of people ran to the toilets after that announcement. Who knows if those people were just having a laugh or if they were really flushing their stashes down the toilet. I don’t know, but one witness did say that after the flight landed, Lindsay Lohan was seen holding a giant bag under the place where the plane’s sewer lines get cleared.

Some passengers were shocked and offended over the announcement, because their pearl clutching muscle was feeling a little weak and they wanted to work it out some more. Jetstar issued a statement and apologized for one of their own going off script.

“We’re required to play a pre-recorded quarantine announcement for customers on all flights across interstate and territory borders within Australia. Our procedures also allow cabin crew to deliver the quarantine message through a public announcement and on this occasion the crew member elected to do so. The crew member’s words were poorly chosen and are plainly at odds with the professional standards we’d ­expect from our team. We’re addressing the matter with the cabin crew member involved.”

I hope by “addressing the matter with the cabin crew member involved,” they mean promoting him to President of Customer Service and Everything, because when choosing an airline, you should always choose an airline that will let you know when you need to sadly part with your stash at the toilet or shove it all the way up your culo. In possibly related news, Charlie Sheen announced that he’s quitting Hollywood and has taken a job as a toilet on a Jetstar plane.

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Birthday Sluts

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Vivica A. Fox (50)
Diana Vickers (23)
Yvonne Strahovski (32)
Hope Solo (33)
Misty May-Treanor (37)
Jaime Pressley (37)
Hilary Swank (40)
Elvis Crespo (43)
Tom Green (43)
Christine Taylor (43)
Christopher Nolan (44)
Simon Baker (45)
Terry Crews (46)
Lisa Kudrow (51)
Alton Brown (52)
Laurence Fishburne (53)
Richard Linklater (54)
Kate Bush (56)
Delta Burke (58)
Ken Olin (60)
Frank Stallone (64)
Jean Reno (66)
Arnold Schwarzenegger (67)
Paul Anka (73)
Peter Bogdanovich (75)

Pic: Derek Blanks

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Orlando Bloom Tried To Punch Out Justin Bieber In Ibiza (UPDATE)

July 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, if anything can make the world temporarily join together and slow clap while cackling, it’s this. Both TMZ and The Daily Mail say that Orlando Bloom, who I always thought was as gentle as a butterfly sitting on a hippie’s flower crown, tried to punch the faux hood Kid Sister doll that is Justin Bieber at Cipriani in Ibiza early Wednesday morning. I know, we really shouldn’t be slow clapping for Orlando Bloom and I’m not saying that because he almost committed douche toddler abuse. I’m saying it, because he missed. YOU HAD ONE JOB, ORLANDO!

Some source tells The Daily Mail that 37-year-old Orlando is the one who started shit with the 4-year-old chunky, dried skid mark clinging to humanity’s saggy chonies. There’s a rumor that Miranda Kerr passed her poon to the Biebs (Side note: And suddenly I have sucio images of a Kewpie Doll with hair rubbing on a Baby Alive doll) while she was married to Orlando and Orlando might’ve revenged fucked Selena Gomez. Miranda Kerr is probably the reason why Legolas wanted to knock the Cabbage Patch doll stuffing out of the Biebs. The source spit this out:

“Justin was being cordial, and everything was fine. But then Orlando was annoyed when he saw it was Justin and instigated by taking a swing at Justin. Justin ducked, and Orlando’s punch missed. People intervened, some minor pushing, then they were separated. Justin stayed for a while after.”

TMZ says that when the Biebs ducked Orlando’s punch, he shouted, “What’s up bitch?” The crowd apparently started cheering and clapping when the Biebs left.

This junior high school quad bullshit. Normally I’d say that Orlando Bloom is re-defining “too old for this shit,” but you’re never too old to slap the smugness out of Justin Bieber. I’ve always said that he needs to feel the wrath of an abuelita’s chancleta. But really, the one who should be throwing the punches here is Miranda Kerr and she should be throwing punches at her own face for sexing on Justin Bieber. Nasty Mary Kay Letourneau ass trick.

Here’s the video from TMZ which starts right after Orlando tried to fist the Biebs. It’s so blurry that it could be Punky Brewster screaming at Barbara Hershey with a bob for all we know.

UPDATE: And the Biebs yanked at Orlando’s curls by Instramming (and then deleting) this:

mirandakerricant

Night Crumbs

July 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Hilary Duff’s back with a new song and video that reminds you that 2004 was a year that existed in time and she’s never letting it go – Drunken Stepfather

Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow went a movie premiere in the Hamptons together, but the real story is that she actually sat on a theater seat that has been sat on by thousands of peasants. Yeah, right. She probably made the theater sandblast all the seats with organic bleach before reupholstering them with beluga whale leather – Lainey Gossip 

Can Leonardo DiCatchAHo please take his piece Toni Garrn to the name changing office to get a new name already, because I don’t like getting my hopes up when I read “Toni Garrn Topless On A Boat” as “Teri Garr Topless On A Boat” - WWTDD

Brandi AnalGlandVille is putting out a new wine she should call Glan Juice, and I guess this means that it’s only a matter of time before you see a bottle of Chateau Falkor on sale at Big Lots – Celebitchy

How many Hobbit movies do we need????? – Towleroad

The Couples Therapy reunion is going to be like walking through a rose garden. So many demure and delicate flowers…. – Reality Tea

What in Gollum in a Missoni playsuit HELL is this? – The Superficial

Chrissy Teigen knows how to dress – Hollywood Tuna

JLo Kardashian is still wearing her wedding ring, which means she’s still married, which means I lost the Dlisted office pool, which means that Allison is now the proud owner of a half-used Chili’s gift card – Popoholic

Let this drunk flower show you the easiest way to get all the diseases at once – Jezebel

Nerdception: Harry Potter disguised himself at Spider-Man to go to Comic-Con – ICYDK

Happy Lipstick Day! – The Berry

Derp happiness is Leonardo DiCaprio joyfully picking his ass during a water gun battle – Popsugar

When the Hulk met the HulkSOW

Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres do the damage control strut – Just Jared

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A Woman Name Princess Left Her Young Kids In Her SUV To Blow Her Boyfriend In A Walmart Parking Lot

July 29, 2014 / Posted by:

That’s a headline that’ll make the entire state of Florida shake in fear over their future, because this happened in Louisiana and not in Florida. Florida, Louisiana is coming for your title as America’s foremost producer of fuckery.

The Smoking Gun brings us this story that reads like something straight out of a book of People of Walmart fanfiction. A 25-year-old mother of two named Princess Marks (it’s always a Princess) was arrested after she admitted to cops that she was slurping up her “boyfriend’s” peen in his car while her kids, ages 5 and 7, were left by themselves in her SUV. At 12:30 in the morning on Friday, the cops showed up to a Walmart parking lot in Lake Charles, LA after someone called 911 to report two little kids left in an SUV by themselves. The SUV wasn’t running and all the windows were down. Princess Marks strolled up to her SUV a few minutes later and told the cops that she left her kids by themselves while she sucked her man’s dick and she also admitted that it was kind of impossible to keep an eye on her kids since her face was full of man crotch.

Princess was charged with child desertion and was later released on $5,000 bail. Her kids are being taken care of by family members.

If you’re shaking your head at Princess and saying to yourself that she sucks as a mother and shouldn’t have anymore kids, ask yourself this, don’t you think she knows that? Why do you think she was giving a blow job instead screwing?

Princess has a pair of perfectly sculpted eyebrows, so I should trust all the decisions she makes, but I can’t. If the dude was really her boyfriend and if she was really giving him head, then she needs to dumps his ass immediately, because how can you be with a dude who won’t look out for the cops and check on your kids while you’re licking his peen?  That’s a question you should ask during every first date. As soon as you sit down, ask the dude, “If I suck you off in a Walmart parking lot at midnight, are you going to check for the cops and check on my kids in the next car over?” If he looks at you funny or says no, ask the server to pack up your appetizer to go and get out of there. He’s obviously not boyfriend material.

And this story is a PSA to all future parents: This is what happens you name your kid Princess.

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