The second Prince William slipped that giant Heart of the Ocean-looking ring on Kate Middleton’s skinny finger and asked her to make him the happiest future King in all the land by marrying his ass, the Universe erupted into a giant ball of British screams, The Queen’s smartest corgi booked England’s fanciest choorch, and Prince Hot Ginge started cutting back to chugging one bottle of whiskey a night, because it was time to start planning the WEDDING OF THE CENTURY!!!1!
The only one who didn’t get the memo that it was time to drop everything and start preparing for the DEFCON-1 of weddings was Pippa Middleton. Kate’s sister told sleazy high school math teacher Matt Lauer on Today (via Page Six) that her ass isn’t the only thing that’s thick as a brick by confessing that she didn’t think the royal wedding was going to be such a big deal:
“It sounds funny to say, we saw it, as a family, as just a family wedding. I didn’t realize, perhaps, the scale of it, until afterwards. I had to make sure I helped my sister where I should, and look after the bridesmaids and pageboys. But we really saw it as a family getting together and doing their bit. It was when we saw crowds rushing around, towards the balcony, and I suddenly was like, ‘Wow, this is pretty special.’”
It was my understanding that marshmallow tycoon James Middleton was the DERP-iest of the Middleton siblings, but now I’m not so sure. Just a family wedding?!? The Hell? Her sister hit the Powerball MegaMillions Jackpot of life and Pippa assumed they were going to celebrate in the banquet hall at the Crowne Plaza with soggy beef wellingtons and a Craigslist DJ named Spyder?
And if Pippa knows what’s good for her, she should have followed up that quote by saying: “Of course, there was no question as to how special it was when Baby Prince George was born. It was the most special day. And every day afterwards. Baby Prince George is the most special baby in the world. I am truly blessed to be his aunt.” (“That’s right bitch. Now get me a handful of Goldfish crackers and a bilby“ - Baby Prince George).