Despite maintaining that she’s not at fault for getting next-level hammered and going all She-Hulk on her 17-year-old nephew last weekend, the roid-rage version of Debra Morgan and inspiration to trashy wrecks everywhere Hope Solo must have received a telegram from Western Union informing her that if she wants them to keep wiring her those delicious endorsement dollars, she’s going to need to burp out an apology. So on Thursday, Hope screamed for her assistant to type up an “I so sowwy” statement and post it to Facebook:
“I would like to apologize to my fans, teammates, coaches, marketing partners and the entire US Soccer and Seattle Reign FC communities for my involvement in a highly unfortunate incident this past weekend. I understand that, as a public figure, I am held to a higher standard of conduct. I take seriously my responsibilities as a role model and sincerely apologize to everyone I have disappointed.
I love my family dearly. We, like all families, have our challenges but my sincere hope is that we are able to resolve this situation as a family. Adversity has always made us stronger and I know this situation will be no different.
I also would like to thank everyone who has reached out with messages of support and encouragement. I truly appreciate your loyalty, concern and well wishes.
Due to pending legal issues, I cannot comment further at this time. However, I am confident in the legal process and believe my name will be cleared.
I look forward to getting back on the field where I belong with both Seattle Reign FC and the US Women’s National Team.”
Oh Jesus, at least make it sound a little like Hope Solo wrote it! It should have gone a little something like this:
“Listen up, assholes. I’m sorry my pussy nephew ratted me out to TMZ like a punk bitch, but it’s not his fault – he’s too fat and crazy to be an athlete. I’m also sorry I’m in such great shape that my strong-ass back broke a broomstick handle. Due to pending legal issues, I can’t comment any further, but I will say that I’m obviously innocent, and I look forward to re-using this statement in the future. My name may be Hope, but when it comes to the possibility of getting into a messy public fight, they call me Definitely.”