Because we were all glued to the saga of Shia LaDouche’s shitbag meltdown on Broadway, we missed what should have been the real EXTRA EXTRA BREAKING NEWS!!!! last night: Courteney Cox announced on Twitter that it’s officially OFFICIALLY over between her and human half-empty bottle of yellow mouthwash (you know, the drinking kind – I mean…so I’ve heard) David Arquette because she’s engaged to Snow Patrol guitarist Johnny McDaid. You know, I always thought that crazy drunk mess David would win Courteney back somehow, but it looks like true love really is dead. I’m still holding out hope that David pulls a Benjamin Braddock and shows up to the church drunk off his ass, banging on the window and screaming “Courteneeeeyyy! Courteneeeeyyy! I still love you! Also, I’m all out of Fireball! See? Bottle’s empty baby. Do you know where I can get some Fireball? You got some in your purse, hon? You wanna go for margaritas or something? I’m gonna take a nap on this organ, wake me up when you wanna leave.”
50-year-old Courteney began seeing 37-year-old Johnny (who sort of looks like what you’d get if Michael Stipe fucked a ghost, then the ghost fucked Daniel Day Lewis) around Christmas, and there’s no picture of the engagement ring, and Johnny is like, barely employed, so I guess what I’m trying to get at is…did Johnny just get an invitation to join the Club le Gold Digger? I know an age difference of 13 years isn’t that huge, but digging is digging when you’re mining that Friends cash. Oh well, I’m sure it’s true love. And I’m sure that if Courteney still had control over the muscles in her face, she’d be smiling to show how happy her Stains-eyed fiancé makes her.
And now it’s time to start the countdown to see who gets married first, Courteney or Jennifer Aniston. Sike! Trick question! Jennifer Aniston will never get married, because she’ll always be FOREVER ALONE, remember?