Sad news for human gutter-drunk party weasels today. Their Queen, the glitter-crusted filth dragon formerly known as Ke$ha (who now goes by Kesha Rose Sebert, a name that sounds like a candle your mom picked up from Bath & Body Works), has told Teen Vogue that the days of dressing up like a freon-huffing Florida swap meet version of The Ultimate Warrior are officially over. Spending two months in rehab for an eating disorder chanting “If you can’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love somebody else” over and over again has awoken her inner-Ru and now she wants to be pretty:
“I remember thinking, I don’t want to be pretty. Don’t call me pretty. If somebody called me that, it was almost offensive — I would put on more eyeliner or draw things down my face. There was a defining moment about six months ago — I think it was a breakup — where I decided that maybe I do want to try to be pretty. I want to just try.”
She doesn’t have to try very hard; the Kesha Rose Sebert that lives underneath Ke$ha’s 8 layers of dirty Dollar Store makeup applied using a filthy toilet brush and the oily pile of used condoms fused into her weave is actually very pretty. And I’m sincerely glad that Ke$ha (I’m sorry, it’s still too soon for me to give up the $) is feeling like Maria from West Side Story. But I’m really going to miss that itchy-looking, rotten shrimp smelling, piss drinking, glitter humping, anti-freeze chugging, 5-day-old crusty underwear wearing, scab-scratching, Fraggle-faced human dirty fingernail. RIP Ke$ha; we hardly knew ye.
Here’s more of Kesha Rose looking like a freshly-scrubbed rosebud in Teen Vogue. Yes, she’s only down from 8 layers of makeup to 5, and her hair looks like a cat slept in it, but looking at these pictures of Kesha didn’t make me immediately run out and ask my doctor for 10 tetanus shots, so I consider that “fresh-looking”.