Since Jonah Hill has made late-night talk shows the go-to-place for Hollywood whores to barf up a bouquet of “I’m Sorry” mylar balloons for the slurs that have leaped off of their tongues, Gary Oldman used him time on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to once again apologize for all the messy shit he said during his angry rant of an interview with Playboy. Gary already dribbled out an apology to the Anti-Defamation League and the “chosen ones,” but that apology was wrapped in sarcasm and dipped in troll nectar, so the ADL told him in so many words to shove that apology up his culito. So Gary gave it another go.
It seems like Gary was totally into and feeling the hell out of everything he spit out to Playboy and now he’s almost doing a complete 180, because studio executives told him to make nice with the ticket-buying public or he can blow an air kiss at all those 7-figure blockbuster franchise paychecks. Before Gary talked about the movie that he’ll eventually talk shit about when all the checks are cashed, he told Jimmy that he realizes his Playboy interview was a mess when he saw it in print.
“It was an article I did with Playboy and I said some things that were poorly considered. Once I seen it in print, I saw that it was offensive, insensitive, pernicious and ill-informed. Words have meaning and they carry weight. And they carry on long after you’ve said them. I don’t condone or excuse the words that I used in any context. I just basically shouldn’t have used them, but I did and I have injured and wounded a great many people. I appreciate you having me here and extending your hospitality and to put me in this seat once again and it gives me the opportunity to say to those people that I, from my heart, I am profoundly, profoundly sorry, deeply apologetic … especially to the fans as they have been so incredible to me and loyal. My nickname for them is Team Oldman. I really feel like I let them down, especially to the young fans. I am a public figure, I should be an example and inspiration and I am an a—hole. I am 56. I should know better. I extend my apology and my love and best wishes to my fan base.”
Jimmy Kimmel reminded everyone that Gary Oldman is Gary Oldman, which is what I thought while watching his apology. Gary Oldman is an ACK-TERR! If Gary Oldman told us that he genuinely felt enjoyment while watching Keeping Up With The Kartrashians, we’d believe him even though nobody feels real enjoyment from watching that turd puddle. But really, Jonah Hill did the whole apology thing better. And it’s scary to think that we’re living in a world where Jonah Hill might be a better actor that Gary Oldman. Fuck you for that, Oldman.