Beyoncé And Jay-Z Trot Out Their Super-Secret Wedding Video For The Opening Night Of The “On The Run” Tour
On Wednesday night, Beyoncé and Jay-Z opened their “On The Run From The Rumors That Our Marriage Is A Sham” Tour in Miami, and it’s a good thing the Razzies only recognize terrible acting in film, otherwise Bey and Jay would have swept this years ceremonies with their over-the-top portrayal of a husband and wife who are still soooo in looooove. Watching Beyoncé and Jay-Z try to act like a genuine loving couple is about as subtle and nuanced as the ‘no wire hangers’ scene from Mommie Dearest on a good day, but they really went next-level with the stunt queen bullshit last night.
During a mash-up of “Forever Young” (aka Beyoncé’s age on her doctored birth certificate) and “Halo” (aka the sweet spot on Jay-Z, according to Basement Baby) never before seen videos from their 2008 wedding were projected on a giant screen, along with home movies of the two of them playing with Blue Ivy. Upon seeing the video, Kim Kardashian was heard to remark: “Kaaaanye, tell my mom to get the camera! I want to make a video like Beyoncé! Ew, not the part with the baby, I meant I want to film another wedding, DUH. Besides, do we even have a daughter? We do? Whoopsieeeees.”
But knowing Stuntyoncé, releasing their super-secret wedding video probably wasn’t her first choice. The original plan was to burst from a cloud of smoke on stage holding a tiny 24K gold toilet and nodding to the audience like “That’s right y’all, Queen Bey got a case of the baby barfs!” while she rubs at the 2-month bump tucked into her Spanxed-up stomach. Unfortunately, when she went to check on her fake pregnancy pillow, she noticed it was all misshapen from Basement sleeping on it, so she was forced to order a new one, but it won’t be delivered for another 8 weeks, and she tried stuffing it with old weaves, but it just looked like an overgrown pube bush. So she had to go with Plan B and dig out the VHS tape marked “FOR PUBLICITY USE ONLY”.
Here’s more of Beyoncé and Jay-Z really selling that Perfect Family Realness at last night’s first “Got The Runs” show in Miami. If Jay-Z’s hat were any smaller, he’d receive a cease-and-desist from the shanked ghost of Adebisi from Oz.