Last night, two locals papers in Mississippi restored my faith in humanity and unrestored my faith in humanity at the same time when they reported that the story about the disfigured little girl who was kicked out of a KFC in Jackson for offending the eyes of its customers never happened in real-life. 3-year-old Victoria Wilcher’s family claimed that because of the shitty incident, she didn’t want to go outside anymore and didn’t want to look in a mirror. But it was reported that an investigation showed that Victoria’s family pulled a grift to raise money for her medical expenses. Anonymous sources said that investigators went through surveillance footage from the day of the supposed verbal slap down on an innocent little girl and they didn’t find Victoria or her grandma Kelly Mullins anywhere inside that KFC. Victoria’s family shat on the reports and swore that it’s not a hoax and they’ll wait for what KFC has to say. Well, KFC has something to say. In the wise words of Lucy when she and Ethel got caught trying to be fake geishas, “THE JIG IS UP!”
KFC tells ABC News that after two investigations, an internal one and one done by a third-party, there’s zero evidence that proves the incident happened. They spent hours going through all the footage and interviewing employees. They reached out to Victoria’s family and asked them if they can provide any evidence. KFC still plans to donate $30,000 to Victoria’s family to pay for her medical bills. After KFC announced that Victoria’s family probably conned the Internet, they pulled down the Victoria’s Victories Facebook page and deleted the GoFundMe campaign, which was up to $135,000. The family is still standing by their story and released this statement to The Clarion-Ledger:
“It is unfortunate that Victoria and her family are being vilified on what appears to be the result of an inconclusive investigation conducted by KFC and/or its agents that implies Victoria’s story is a “hoax.” It is deeply disappointing that other parties have taken opportunity to attack Victoria through social and news media outlets. Victoria is an innocent child with very real physical and emotional scars. The focus of her family has always been, and will always be on Victoria and making her whole again.”
Yes, it was a lazy scheme and no self-respecting con artist would pull that kind of amateur crap, but hey, they got the money and hopefully they’ll use it to treat the scars that little Victoria got from getting mauled by her granddaddy’s 3 pit bulls.
You know, I’m grateful to Victoria’s scheming family, because their story has helped me remember a memory I forgot. When I was a kid, I caught crabs and anal warts from a McDonald’s ball pit. Yes, it took over 30 years for the crabs and anal warts to show up on my body, but I have them today. So where’s my $30,000 from McDonald’s?! Before McDonald’s says that they have to check the surveillance footage from that day, I need to remind them that surveillance cameras didn’t exist back then. All the goings-on in their restaurants were documented by a sketch artist and the sketch artist happened to be at lunch when I went into the ball pit. So give me my money, McDonald’s! I’ll even take my money in McDonald’s coupon books.