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June 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Pillsbury’s “nutritionally balanced” Space Food Sticks! 

In the 70s, the US was all about space crap and after General Mills made the orange-flavored cocaine Tang for astronauts to drink in their spaceships, Pillsbury came out with stick that was supposed to be a “nutritious” snack for astronauts to eat in space. Pillsbury’s idea of a “nutritionally balanced” snack was a pencil dick version of a Tootsie roll that was basically a chewy sugar stick that came in flavors like chocolate, chocolate malt, peanut butter and caramel. It was wrapped in shiny foil because SPACE!

They Always Come Back said that Pillsbury’s Space Food Stick was a mess from almost the beginning. Pillsbury got in trouble with the Bureau of Deceptive Practices (Side note: Where was the Bureau of Deceptive Practices when Kim Kartrashian got fake married twice?) for claiming their Space Food Stick was as nutritious as milk and for saying that it could be substituted for a meal if you didn’t have any food around. Pillsbury also had to change the name from Space Food Stick to just plain, old Food Stick, because it was never actually eaten in space. Childhoods were ruined when kids found out the chocolate stick they were eating never visited space.

It turns out Pillsbury’s “aggressive marketing” ruffled a few a feathers in the nation’s capital. One year after Space Food Sticks were introduced, the Bureau of Deceptive Practices undertook an investigation of Pillsbury’s claim they were “ounce for ounce” as nutritious as milk. A document issued by the company in response–available at NASA’s archives-asserted the snacks were “suitable as total food replacement” in the unlikely chance that no other foods were available.

What was not acceptable was the fact these Space Food Sticks never actually went into space. The early commercials even showed an astronaut eating a space food stick through a special portal made in his space helmet. Pillsbury had to fess up and finally claim the snacks never left orbit but they were designed with space in mind.

This almost makes me want to scream, “WHY DIDN’T I GROW UP IN THE 70s?” In the 80s, we got granola bars and in the 70s, they got sugar sticks of chewy deliciousness.

Yes, that looks like something that came out of the Pillsbury Doughboy’s ass. But I still wish the Bureau of Deceptive Practices will come out and say that they were wrong about the Pillsbury Space Food Stick and that it’s highly nutritious and everyone should eat them all the time. I mean, that shit looks a whole lot more delicious than a nasty cardboard-wrapped-in-chemically-grown-berries Clif Bar.

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